Chapter 36

It was very late but I couldn't sleep. I was sitting in the living room flipping through channels. There was very little to watch at this hour, mostly infomercials and old re-runs of bad sitcoms. I had purposely been avoiding watching any news channels. Unlike Joker, I wasn't anxious to see my face blown up on the screen. Reluctantly I turned on GNN. They were running a story about a terrorist attack in Europe but the next story was about me and Mr. J. The picture they were using was the one I had taken for my employee ID badge when I started at Arkham and it was really unflattering. I watched the entire story then muted the TV. I just couldn't bear to listen to any more. I was wanted for "questioning" in the ongoing investigation into the murder of Dr. Diane Green and for twelve counts of criminal facilitation in the escape of the Joker and the rest of the Arkham inmates.

Without J around to distract me I got caught up in my own thoughts. My chest hurt as I imagined the look on my poor mother's face when she finally saw the report. I had to ditch my cell and obviously I couldn't check my messages on my land line at my apartment without the cops tracing me but I could imagine the multitude of frantic calls and the messages she must have left hoping there had been some kind of mistake. She must be so worried. I realized I had just completely broken her heart, stepped on it and smashed it into thousands of tiny pieces. I was no better than my father. No, I was actually worse than him. My father was a liar and a con but he had never killed anyone. Not only had I murdered my best friend but I ran off with the most notorious criminal in the entire United States. I was the only person in our family mom had ever been proud of and now she'd be ridiculed and shunned because of me. She'll be hounded by the press wherever she goes and it was all my fault. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking, I was being selfish and my mom would pay the price for it. I felt sick and my eyes flooded with tears. The more I thought about it the harder I cried until I was having a full blown meltdown.

I was curled up in the fetal position on the ugly flowered couch crying uncontrollably. I didn't even hear Joker come in, I was bawling so hard. He sat next to me and pulled me onto his lap and I clung to him and buried my head into his neck. He smelled faintly of whiskey and cigar smoke. He gently rocked me as my tears soaked the lapel of his suit.

"Shhh, shhh, shhh. It's okay Poo. What's all this about?" I knew I was incapable of speech at that moment so I just pointed to the TV which was looping the same four or five stories over and over again. "Oh, I see. Haven't come to terms with being a wanted criminal yet? I really can't say I understand, but I know you women are more sensitive to these kinds of things." He gently stroked my hair as my sobs turned into sniffles.

"It's my mom." I hiccupped, "She must be worried and hurt and the press is gonna follow her and it's all my fault!" He tipped my chin up so that I was looking at him.

"Well, yes, there is that I suppose. But Pumpkin, what's done is done. You can't do anything to change it now." I wiped my face with the backs of my hands.

"I know that Puddin, but it kinda hit me all at once when I saw my face on that news report. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to see me like this."

"Well I guess I kind of expected it, this being your first homicide and all." He fixed his eyes on mine. "This isn't going to become a thing is it? You're not going to fall to pieces every time you kill someone, right?" I couldn't help but giggle a little.

"No, it's not going to become a thing. I promise Puddin. Like you said I can't change it and I already broke my mother's heart." I sniffled again and I could feel tears threatening to spill over my eyes. "I just know how disappointed in me she must be. Another crook in the family. She always thought it'd be Barry who ended up in jail, not me." He gave me a quizzical look.

"Who's Barry?" I didn't realize we had never talked about it.

"My younger brother. He's a mess. He lives with my mom, has two kids with two different women and no job. Do ya understand now why it hurts me so much to have let her down?" He gazed at me with soft sympathetic eyes, a reaction I hadn't really expected.

"Yes, I can see that. I didn't know you had a sibling, Poo. You don't talk about your family much."

"Yeah well, that's because my family is too batshit crazy to talk about. We put the "fun" in dysfunctional." He chortled and wrapped his arms around me.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, now does it?" I had finally gotten my emotions under control and I nuzzled my nose against J's neck as I relaxed in his embrace.

"No I guess not. I'm as nutso as the rest of them." I looked up and inquired, "How did your meeting with Two-Face go Puddin?" A smile split his face.

"Splendidly! We came to an agreement that's mutually beneficial. Or should that be triply beneficial? I get so confused about that sometimes. Heh. Anyway, after our deal was done I beat the pants off him in a game of poker. As a matter of fact, I got you a little something with my winnings I think might just cheer you up." I beamed at him.

"You did? Whatcha get me Mistah J?" He stood carrying me in his arms and brought me into the bedroom. It was dark and I couldn't see anything. He set me down on my feet.

"I had thought to surprise you when you woke up, but when I got home you weren't in bed." He flipped on the light switch. Leaning against the wall next to the bed was a huge wooden mallet. I squealed in joy! "I had a friend put some personal touches on it for you Pumpkin."

I went over and examined it. It had a handle that was about four feet long, with a grip on the end made out of a fine smooth rope. The head of the mallet had two brass bands around it. One of the flat surfaces said 'Your face here' the other had a picture of Batman's head with X's for eyes and his tongue hanging out. The best part was engraved in between the two bands. It said 'J's Girl' in a looping script.

"Puddin I love it! Where do you get such wonderful toys?" he shrugged.

"Eh, I know a guy. You ever hear of Toyman?" It sounded familiar and I realized I had seen a news report about him fighting Superman a few years back.

"Yeah I have, but I thought he lived in Metropolis."

"Apparently he and Tetchy were working on something before Hatter got pinched and thrown back into Arkham. Now that you released everyone, Toyman is back in town to finish up whatever it is they're up to, so I gave him a call. He was happy to oblige."

I picked up the mallet. It was heavy but not too heavy to wield. I took a test swing. It felt pretty good. It would take a little getting used to after the baseball bat but this thing could do so much more damage!

"Wanna try it out Poo?"

"Yeah Puddin! I really do! What did ya have in mind?"

"Well normally I'd take you out into the city, but since your suits aren't ready yet, I brought you home some targets. Follow me." He walked into the hall and down the stairs to the warehouse.

He had set up four empty fifty gallon drums in a line in the center of the floor. There was produce on top of them. The first held a huge watermelon, the second a pumpkin, the next a cantaloupe, and on the last was an apple. I was hopping up and down in anticipation. J noticed and smiled widely.

"Well, have at it doll." I stepped up to the watermelon and gave a few slow practice swings.

"I have always wanted to do this ever since I saw that Gallagher guy on HBO as a kid!" I pulled back, swung and hit the watermelon squarely in the center. It exploded outwards as the head of the mallet connected. "Weeee! This is sooo much cooler than a baseball bat!"

He chuckled as he watched me wind up to hit the pumpkin. I clipped the top of the barrel on my swing knocking both the pumpkin and the barrel across the room. The fruit broke but didn't have the same dramatic impact as the watermelon. I hit the next melon pretty squarely and it launched into the back wall in a spray of white seeds. The apple was going to be tricky. I tried lining up my swing but I could tell I was just going to end up hitting the barrel.

"Ah the heck with it!" I raised the mallet up over my head and smashed the apple into oblivion, putting a sizeable dent in the barrel in the process. "Applesauce anyone?" Joker wrinkled his nose.

"Do me a favor kid and leave the comedy to me, okay?"

"Sorry Puddin." Joker walked over and inspected the damage.

"Good, now enough with the inanimate objects. Let's see if you can hit a moving target."

He walked behind a pile of crates and came back out dragging a Hispanic guy behind him. He was bound by his wrists and ankles and had duct tape across his mouth. He was maybe twenty years old, was wearing gang colors and had a tear drop tattooed under his right eye.

"Where did ya get him Puddin?"

"Let's just say he was dealing dope in the wrong alley at the wrong time." He leaned over the gang banger. "Now, you see that pretty lady over there Paco? I'm gonna untie you. If you can outrun her and make it to that door," he pointed across the way at the main entrance, "You get to keep on breathing. If not, then you better start praying to Santa Maria son." He ripped the Duct tape from his mouth and the kid immediately started spouting off.

"The fuck is wrong wit you man? You puto payaso loco!" J slapped the tape back over his mouth.

"That's enough of that." He looked up at me as he pulled a knife out of his pocket. "You ready Poo?"

I planted my feet apart with my knees slightly bent, raised the mallet up to my shoulder and nodded. J cut the tape binding the kid's ankles and wrists and the game began. He scrabbled up off of the floor and sprinted towards the door. He was pretty quick, but not quick enough. I swung the mallet and caught his ankle and he screamed behind the tape. He tried limping towards the door and I cartwheeled until I was next to him, swung the mallet and connected solidly with his head. I heard a crack and he went down. I didn't know if he was conscious or not, but I didn't wait to find out. I swung the mallet above my head and brought it down with every ounce of strength I had. His skull shattered and his brains exploded very similarly to the watermelon. I felt warm blood spatter up into my face. It wasn't necessary but I pulled back and swung again, just for the fun of it. I heard a gasp and a gagging noise above us and looked up to see a few of the henchmen had gathered around the upper balcony, likely woken up by the commotion. One of them was retching and trying not to puke. What a puss. Joker was laughing and clapping his hands.

"I think we have a winner folks!" He pointed up at the henches. "Good of you boys to join us. Now get down here and get this cleaned up!" He walked over to me picked me up by my waist and spun me around. "You're a natural kiddo!" He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Did you know you look incredibly sexy when you're covered in gore." He waggled his eyebrows at me. "Why don't we go upstairs Pumpkin?" The corner of my mouth quirked up. Violence really got my Puddin's motor running. The scary thing was it was starting to do the same to me.

"Thank you for my present Puddin. You're so thoughtful and wonderful." His mouth twitched.

"Don't forget handsome." I batted my lashes at him.

"How could I forget?"

I took a moment to wipe the blood and brains off my new mallet and brought it upstairs. I propped it against the wall in our bedroom. I started to head to the bathroom to get the gang bangers blood off of me, but J grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

"No, don't wash it off. I want you just. Like. This."

He put his hand behind my neck and drew my mouth towards his. His lips were soft and tasted faintly of whiskey. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled his body towards mine and I could feel how excited watching me kill someone had made him. My hair was down and he wound the hand at my neck into it and yanked, exposing my neck so he could bite and nibble the sensitive flesh. I could already tell I would be carrying marks from this foray for the next couple of days. I won't go into too many details but what I will say is that the mallet wasn't the only wonderful toy Joker had brought home with him that night.

Once we were both satiated we cuddled, which was unusual for Joker after sex. He was weird about things, he had no problem having me sit on his lap but cuddling after lovemaking was fairly taboo. It was nice for a change. I think maybe it was the alcohol that loosened him up. He was certainly not drunk by any stretch of the imagination but he was definitely in a very good mood and was accommodating to my needs and desires. We bantered back and forth, just silly pillow talk for the most part until I started to get sleepy and eventually drifted off nuzzled into his chest.

When I woke the next day J was gone, which didn't surprise me. He rarely slept through the night if he actually slept at all. I showered, I was still coated in gang banger blood and changed into comfortable clothing, throwing my hair up in a high ponytail. I wandered into the kitchenette and was happy to see coffee had already been brewed. I made a cup and headed down the hall to see where my Puddin had gotten to. He was in his office bent over his desk working on who knows what. The door was open but I knocked on the door frame anyway, not wanting to invade his space. He didn't turn but grunted out a response.

"What?"

"Morning Puddin!" I walked over to his desk, leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek which he promptly rubbed off. Someone had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed today. "I just wanted to see if there was anything I could get ya to put a smile on your face. Coffee, breakfast, a quickie maybe?" he grimaced.

"Is that all you ever think about Harley? I think I've indulged you far too much the past few nights as it is. Anyway don't you have something you ought to be doing?" He raised an eyebrow. It took me a few minutes to remember what he was talking about.

"Oh, yeah. I wasn't sure when your guy was going to be available to give me a lesson. What's his name again?"

"Kilson, and it would be in your best interest to go find him and stop bothering me while I work!" he growled.

I knew well enough to back off and leave him alone when he was in one of his dark moods. Joker's moods were like a damn rollercoaster. There were lots of very sudden ups and downs and it was difficult to keep up sometimes. I plastered a smile on my face and brightly replied.

"Okey dokey, Mistah J. I'll go find Kilson and get started. Wish me luck!" He didn't reply just waved me away like I was an annoying insect buzzing around him.

I headed over to the henches common room and poked my head in. There were a bunch of guys milling about, watching TV, eating cereal and drinking coffee.

"So which one a ya is Kilson?" They turned and looked at me warily, like I was a rabid dog who might attack them at any second. A tall olive skinned fellow stood and approached me. He had dark hair and eyes, was toned but not necessarily muscular and had a slightly bowlegged gait.

"That'd be me ma'am." He was soft-spoken with an adorable southern drawl.

"Nice ta meet ya Kilson! Please, call me Harley. So the J-man wants you to teach me how to shoot. Should we get started?"

"Um, sure but we can't do that here. We have to drive out to the sand pits in the Pine Barrens. Too much of a chance of drawing the cops here ma'am."

I hadn't thought of that. I guess a lone gunshot in this area might be a fairly normal occurrence, but multiple gunshots might cause the locals to get nervous.

"Okay, let me go grab a jacket and we can get outta here. You got a car?"

"Yes ma'am, a truck with dark tint on the windows. We'll be safe." I bounded up the stairs grabbed my new leather coat and yelled down the hallway to J.

"We're going for our lesson now Puddin. See you later!" I didn't expect a response, I just thought it was polite to let him know I was leaving.

I hopped into the back of the big Yukon as Kilson loaded a large duffel bag into the back. We headed west out of the city. The sand pits were on the outskirts of Millville in the Pine Barrens. The Pinelands were pretty much the only sparsely populated area in all of New Jersey. Driving through it reminded me of trips I used to take to South Carolina to visit my aunt Rita before she died. There were miles between houses and there was a small commercial area on the main street through town. I still found it funny that even New Jersey had its share of rednecks, or as we called them Pineys, but it was evident here. It took us just under an hour to get to our destination. We took an unpaved road through the woods and came out in the center of a large sandy area with giant dunes all around.

Kilson wasn't much of a talker. When he stopped the truck he got out and opened the rear gate, pulling the huge duffel out and walking a few paces before setting it down. He opened it and began removing targets and bottles which he set up against one of the large dunes. Then he pulled out several different types of guns and lined them up along the tailgate of the truck along with the corresponding boxes of ammunition. Then he pulled out a video camera and a tripod which he set up off to the side.

"What's the camera for, Kilson?"

"Boss wants to see how ya do." He waved me over to the back of the truck. He picked up a small pistol. "We'll start with a .22 Magnum semi-auto, it doesn't have much kick, so you can get used to how to aim before we move to bigger calibers. This pistol's got a 30 round magazine. You know how to load one of these?" I shook my head.

"Not really. I've only ever held a gun once before in my life."

He walked me through how to load the gun, pop in the clip and turn off the safety. We ran through all the basics like the correct stance, how to hold the gun, how to use the sights, how to breathe. Then he gave me ear and eye protectors to put on, turned on the camera and let me have a go. My first shot was nowhere near the target. Kilson came behind me to give me a few pointers and I tried again. I hit the target far to the right of the head. I kept going until I emptied the clip. By the end of the first clip I was at least hitting the target although not in the "kill" zones. By the end of the second clip I was doing pretty damn well. Then we switched to a 9mm Glock19. This thing had a kick that threw me off quite a bit at first. After the fourth clip I had mostly gotten it under control though. After that we ran through the gamut of hand guns, .40 Beretta, .357 Magnum, Uzi .38, Colt .45. I did best with the Glock. Once we finished with that we moved to assault rifles. It felt strange holding an AK-47 in my hands but if I was going to be J's partner this was a skill I would definitely need. It was surprisingly easy to operate and to hit the target, but with automatic bursts of ammo you were bound to hit something.

Overall we were out in the pits for about four hours and I could hit the target in the head eight times out of ten. We packed everything up and headed back to the hideout so Kilson could teach me how to disassemble, clean and reassemble all of the weapons we had used today. That part was tedious and I grew impatient with it by the time we finished up. Finally, our lesson was over and I headed upstairs to take a shower. I smelled like gun oil and black powder and had sand stuck between my toes. When I got to the top of the stairs I heard Joker call out to me.

"Harls, that you?" he was still in his office. I walked down the hall and popped my head in the door.

"Yeah boss. You need something?" He turned his big leather desk chair towards me and patted his lap. Before I sat I warned him, "I'm a little stinky Puddin'." I shook my hands as if it would dispel the heavy smell of the gun oil clinging to me.

"Nonsense, come." He patted his lap again and I sat. "So, how did it go Poo?"

"Good, I think. You'll have to watch the video and then you can give me your opinion."

"Good, good. Some things came for you while you were out" My brows knitted in confusion.

"Like what, Puddin?" He swatted me off his lap and stood up.

"Why don't you come into the bedroom and take a look." He placed his hand at the small of my back and guided me down the hallway. As we entered the bedroom I saw it immediately. It was a rolling rack full of my costumes. There were six of them in all along with cowls, boots and gloves. I screeched in excitement.

"Oh, Puddin! There are so many of them! I know what I paid for one, this must have cost a small fortune!" His mouth curved up in a smile.

"Well, yes it did, but you'll make it up to me. If that video shows me you're ready, we have a bank job to pull this weekend."

"Really Puddin? Oh my gosh, I am sooo excited! My first real job! Thank you Mistah J, I promise I won't let ya down!"

"You had better not or there'll be hell to pay. Oh and Rocco brought you more stuff, it's in the kitchen I think."

I bounded down the hall and ducked into the kitchenette. There were bags of cleansers, disinfectants, sponges, dish towels, dust pans, scrub brushes and toilet brushes. There were several brooms and mops leaning against the wall. In another bag was a hairdryer, a curling iron and some cosmetics.

"Thank God! Puddin can I boss the henches around tomorrow?" His forehead creased.

"Why?"

"Because this place is getting cleaned. It's filthy around here and it's making me crazy. Well crazier." He chuckled.

"As you will, Poo." I looked at the wall clock. It was around six in the evening.

"Puddin, ya mind if I grab a quick shower? Then I can make ya something to eat if you'd like." He swatted my bottom.

"Just hurry up, I'm starving. I'll be in my office finishing up some work." He gave me a quick peck on the cheek and walked down the hallway.

I headed to the bathroom, super excited that I was going to get to pull my first heist with Puddin. I'd finally be coming out in public as the Joker's girlfriend and partner, Harley Quinn and I was on cloud nine! The weekend couldn't get here soon enough!