Chapter 35 Questions and Secrets
Lily and James were in the Common Room one night in early February watching Sirius and Peter play chess. She was lying down with her head in James's lap and he was playing absentmindedly with her hair. Lily was quite impressed at just how good Peter was at chess. He seemed to have a knack for hiding his true strategy. He was able to make you think he was going to do one thing when in reality he was planning something else entirely.
"Where's Remus?" Lily asked suddenly realizing that she hadn't seen him since before dinner.
"Visiting his mum," James said.
This was the standard lie.
"But its Tuesday," Lily said looking up.
"She's still not feeling well," Sirius said. "Oi, you knight move over there."
"How can you two be so casual about his mother being so ill that he has to leave school in the middle of the week to see her?" Lily asked astounded.
This casual attitude did not fit with the level of friendship she had observed between the four boys in the last few months. The past few years really. How could they be so flippant about their friend's mother being so ill he had to go home in the middle of the week?
James moved his arm, in what he hoped was a subtle move, to block his face from her view as he shot Sirius a look that clearly said, 'Crap.'
"It's not that we're uncaring," Sirius said attempting to look affronted.
"It's more that we've become accustomed to it," James said. "She's in and out of the hospital a lot. But those Muggle Healers, what are they called again, seem to take good care of her."
"Doctors?" Lily asked slightly confused. "Why is his mother seeing doctors and not healers?" Lily asked surprised.
"Remus's mothers a muggle," James said. "I thought you knew."
"Oh," Lily said. "Do you know what is wrong with her?"
"No," Peter said.
"Remus doesn't like to talk about it," Sirius added.
James glanced at the clock. Now was not a good time to be having this conversation. They needed to leave soon in order to get to the Shrieking Shack before Remus transformed. Plus, the last thing he wanted was for Lily to become suspicious.
He had probably been stupid to not realize that this may become an issue at some point. He spent way more time with Lily than he ever had with any of his other girlfriends and not just because they were Head Boy and Girl, although that certain increased their time together even more.
Lily stretched. She was still unimpressed with the boys seeming lack of concern about their friend's mother. However, she had a test tomorrow in Ancient Runes and she needed to study.
"I need to study for my test tomorrow," Lily said slowly sitting up. "I'm going to go to the library. Do you want to come?" she asked James.
Mentally James sighed with relief. Here was the perfect excuse he needed.
"No, thanks, love. I'd probably just be a distraction. I know you want to do well," he said smiling and leaning over to give her a kiss. Just to prove how distracting he would be.
"Alright, I'll see you later then," she smiled back.
"Thank Merlin," Sirius said as Lily exited through the portrait hole.
"James, I didn't know how we were going to get rid of her," Sirius said looking concerned.
"Yeah," James agreed. "It never even occurred to me until after dinner that it would be a problem."
"Do you have the map and the cloak," Sirius asked quietly.
"No, I'll run up and grab them," James said standing up.
The three boys made it to the Shrieking Shack with only minutes to spare.
Lily returned to the Common Room just after 9 o'clock curfew. Being Head Girl had its advantages, extended curfew for one. She looked around but didn't see any sign of James or his friends.
"Hey, Lily," Katie called from the chairs over by the fires with Marlene.
Lily walked over and sat down next to them.
"Have you seen James?" she asked still looking around. Though how she could possibly have missed him she didn't know.
"He left with Peter and Sirius shortly after you did. Haven't seen him since," Marlene replied.
"He wasn't with you?" Katie asked.
"No, I was in the Library studying for my Ancient Runes test tomorrow," Lily replied.
"It's after nine, he'll probably be back any minute," Marlene said.
"We have extended curfew," Lily said. "He doesn't have to rush."
"Yeah, but Peter and Sirius don't," Marlene pointed out.
"And since when has that stopped them?" Lily asked with a laugh.
"Good point," Marlene replied.
"Oh, well," Lily sighed. "So how was your night?" she asked Katie and Marlene.
By ten-thirty Lily was ready to give up waiting for James. She was tired and she had an exam in the morning. She wasn't worried about James being out past curfew. It wasn't exactly unusual for him and his friends to go sneaking around. In fact if they didn't on occasion she probably would have worried. What was unusual was for him to not tell her if he was going to be hanging out with his friends.
She tried not feel too annoyed. She was his girlfriend, not his keeper. He was not required to tell her where he would be every second of every day. She trusted him. It was just that she had become accustomed to him saying goodnight.
"Alright, I'm off to bed," Lily said.
"I'm sure James is fine," Katie said.
"I'm sure he is," Lily agreed. "I'll ask him in the morning. I'm sure it will be an interesting story. One that he should probably put himself in detention for," she added grinning.
The next morning when Lily and her friends arrived in the Common Room on their way to breakfast Lily was surprised not to be met by James. It wasn't that they had agreed to eat breakfast every morning together but he was always there. She didn't realize until now how accustomed she had become to his presence. Perhaps he had gone down early.
However, when they arrived in the Great Hall, neither James nor his friends, were anywhere to be seen.
"Where's James?" Marlene asked giving voice to Lily's concern.
"Yeah, it's not like him to not join us for breakfast," Katie said. "Or well, you really. I suppose we just usually happen to be here as well."
"I don't know," Lily said trying to keep her tone casual. "Maybe they're running late."
"Oi," Peter hollered.
"What is it Wormtail?" Sirius groaned clearly annoyed with his friend.
"We overslept!" Peter shouted.
"What?" James said still half asleep.
"We overslept," Peter repeated. "Breakfast is over in less than half-an hour."
"Bloody hell," Sirius said jumping out of bed.
James quickly followed suit.
"I thought you set the alarm," Sirius said glancing over at James as he dug for a clean set of robes.
"I thought you did," James replied.
"Bugger," Sirius grumbled.
The boys rushed around the room pell-mell trying to get ready as quickly as possible. They usually made a point to be on time the night after the full moon. The student population may not have known the real reason Remus was absent but the professors did and they were sure to notice if James, Sirius, and Peter were late or skived off from class every month after the full moon.
It was a good thing they knew so many shortcuts. Even using all of them they made it to the Great Hall for breakfast with less than fifteen minutes to spare.
The three boys tried to look casual as they sat down to join the girls that the Gryffindor table.
"Where have you been?" Lily asked sounding more accusatory than she meant to.
"Forgot to set the alarm," Sirius said grabbing four slices of toast.
"I thought Sirius set it," James said.
"I thought James set it," Sirius added.
"Usually Remus sets it," Peter said.
The other two boys nodded.
"Where is Remus?" Katie asked.
'Bloody hell,' James thought.
"Visiting his mum again," Lily said. "She's still sick."
"Poor Remus," Marlene said. "It seems like she's been sick the whole time we've been here."
"Yeah," Lily said.
In fact, Lily thought, she pretty much had been. Severus had always been obsessed with this fact. Though his theory had nothing to do with Remus's mother being ill. Lily's thoughts came to a screeching halt. Was last night the full moon? No way. Snape's old paranoia was just messing with her head.
"Lily, are you okay?" James asked suddenly.
"Yeah, you just got really pale," Marlene said sounding concerned.
"I'm fine," Lily lied. "Just nervous about my test. I need to go check something really quickly. I'll see you later."
"Oh, yeah, Ancient Runes," Katie remembered.
Lily set off quickly. In reality she was going to the Library to check a lunar chart. Perhaps she was mistaken and last night wasn't the full moon. No, it couldn't have been. She entered the Library and quickly found what she wanted. Shit, shit. Last night was the full moon. But that didn't mean. Surely, Severus's theory couldn't be correct. There was no way.
Suddenly she heard the bell ring. She had to get to class. She rushed off to Ancient Runes. Remus wasn't there. It wasn't like him to miss a test. His mother must be really ill. His mother, who was always ill at the full moon…He hadn't looked that great himself when she'd seen him yesterday. But that was probably because he was worried about him mum.
She needed to focus. She had an exam to take. She would talk to James later. He would tell her that she was being ridiculous and everything would be fine. Unfortunately, Lily's Wednesday's were fairly busy and she and James did not share a free period. He also had Quidditch practice that evening which meant that he rushed through dinner and left as soon as he was done eating. He looked exhausted. In fact he had looked exhausted all day. She was pretty sure he had actually fallen asleep at one point in class as he had jumped rather violently in Charms when Sirius had poked him. Not that Sirius and Peter had looked any better rested than James. What was going on?
At nine sharp James met Lily in the Common Room. He definitely looked tired now. He seemed to be having trouble focusing on her.
"Are you alright?" she asked concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said. "It's just been a long day."
James was unusually quiet as they patrolled the corridors that night.
Finally, Lily couldn't take it anymore. Plus, she figured there was much less of a chance of someone walking in on them in an abandoned classroom than in the Common Room.
She grabbed James hand as they passed the Charms classroom and pulled James inside.
"Lily," James said suppressing a yawn. "What are you doing? It's not that I mind, it's just I'm really tired."
"Honestly, James," said Lily with a laugh, despite what she was about to ask, "Not everything is about snogging."
"Well, what else would you be dragging me into an abandoned classroom in the middle of the night for?" James asked confused.
Lily took a deep breath. And looked at James.
"What's wrong?" James asked suddenly concerned by the way she was looking at him. "Have I done something?"
"We need to talk about something," Lily started carefully.
James felt a wave of terror wash over him. No good conversation ever started with those words. She was going to break up with him. She hadn't given any indication that she was unhappy had she? Could he have missed the signs? If anything they seemed to be growing closer as time went on. He wished he wasn't so tired. It was affecting his ability to think.
"Lily, what's wrong?" James asked. "Is it something I've done? I'm sure we can work it out," he rambled.
"Whoa, James," she said gently.
"It's just, I thought things were going well. We get on great, we…"James voice died off.
"James, what are you on about?" Lily asked looking at him with confusion.
"You're breaking up with me," James said.
Lily looked at him like he had two heads.
"Aren't you?" he asked.
"Why would you think that?" Lily asked. "Do you, you don't want…?"
"Well, 'we need to talk' is usually a good indication," James said ruffling his hair nervously.
"Oh," Lily said. "No, James that's not what I'm talking about."
"Oh, okay. Good. Because," James faltered.
"What is it you wanted to talk about then?" James asked feeling relieved.
"Remus," Lily said carefully.
"Lily, if this is about last night," James interrupted. "Sirius, Peter, and I do care about his mum. It's just that it's not something we talk about because Remus doesn't like to. So we try not to make a big deal out of it."
James was relieved that this was just about his and his friends' attitude last night.
"No, that's not it," Lily said not meeting his eyes.
"Well, what is it then?" James asked.
"Now, don't freak out okay," Lily began.
"Why would I freak out?" James asked.
"Stop interrupting, please," Lily said.
"Sorry," James apologized. "Continue."
"James, why is Remus's mum always ill at the full moon?" Lily met his eyes this time and it was clear that they were pleading with him to tell her she was wrong.
James felt his eyes growing round and fought to keep his expression neutral.
"It wasn't just yesterday," Lily continued. "Severus well, I don't really understand his obsession with getting the four of you in trouble but he claimed, years ago, back when we still spoke, that Remus used to always visit his mum on the night of the full moon. I never gave it much thought until now."
She finished and held his gaze.
"I don't know what you're talking about," James said trying to keep his expression neutral.
"James…"Lily started placing a hand on James's face. "Is Remus a, a werewolf?"
"No," James responded automatically.
"James, don't lie to me," Lily implored.
"Lily, you're being ridiculous," James said attempting to laugh and sound casual.
"James," Lily repeated.
"Look," James said. "I'm really tired. And you clearly are too. Because you're talking non-sense. Let's just call it a night and go to bed. By the time we get back to the Common Room our shift will be over."
With that James turned and headed back to the Common Room as quickly as he could.
"James!" Lily called chasing after him.
But James just kept walking as quickly as he could without losing her completely. He could have lost her easily but it was late and he didn't like the idea of her being in the corridors at night by herself. They could have missed a Slytherin and he didn't know what would happen if she ran into one of the future Death Eaters of Great Britain alone in a corridor late at night.
A quick glance around revealed that his friends were not in the Common Room. As soon as Lily entered the Common Room behind him he broke into a run and bolted up the stairs to his dormitory.
"James, wait," Lily called after him but he ignored her.
At the moment he really wished that the girls were not allowed to enter the boys' dormitory.
He walked into the room and found Peter, Sirius, and to his relief and terror Remus, looking worse for the wear.
He slammed the door and immediately started putting every anti-intruder charm he could possibly think of on the door.
"Prongs, what's going on?" Sirius asked.
"Is the castle under attack?" Peter asked.
James shook his head at their questions but continued to secure the door.
When he had finished he went over to his bed and sat down with his head in his hands.
"Did you and Lily have a fight?" Remus asked gently.
"You didn't break up?" Sirius asked concerned. This was not James like behavior.
"I," James tried to start. "Shit, bloody hell," he moaned falling back on his bed.
"What?" Peter asked.
James took a deep breath and sat up. He looked over at Remus guilt etched across his face.
"James?" Remus asked uncertainly.
"Lily knows," James said. "I didn't tell her. I told her it wasn't true but she doesn't believe me."
"What?" Remus asked in disbelief.
"Bloody hell," Sirius groaned.
"She pulled me into an empty classroom on patrol," James began. "At first I just thought she wanted to snog. Which we had agreed not to do when we were patrolling but I wasn't about to complain." Sirius snorted and James glared at him.
"Sorry, continue," Sirius said.
"She said we needed to talk. I thought she was going to break up with me. But when I started freaking out about that she said that wasn't it."
"Then she said she wanted to talk about Remus. I thought she just wanted to talk about how casual we were talking about your mum being ill. But apparently she'd put two and two together."
"But how?" Sirius asked. "Yesterday was only the third full moon since you've been together. And the other two were on weekends"
"Snape," James said looking angry now.
"Snape?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, apparently he noticed that you disappeared on the full moon, which I admit we knew, but apparently he shared his suspicions with Lily. Whether it was before or after, well you know, I don't know," he concluded.
"What did you tell her?" Remus asked.
"I denied it. Said she clearly needed more sleep and that we should head back. But she wasn't about to give up. So I took off."
"You left her out in the castle by herself?" Sirius asked.
"No," James said. "I went just fast enough so she could keep up and I made sure she was through the portrait hole before I bolted."
"Do you think she can be trusted to keep it a secret?" Remus asked.
"I don't think she's going to go and share her suspicions with anyone else," James said.
"That's not what I mean," Remus said looking at James.
"What do you mean?" James asked perplexed. He was so tired.
"I mean, when we tell her she's right, do you think she can be trusted to keep it a secret?" Remus explained calmly.
"When we tell her?" James asked confused.
"Well, she's obviously figured it out. She clearly didn't believe you when you denied it."
"Well, no but but…I could just tell her I was tired. We were up late last night and I wasn't up to higher level thinking," James argued.
"No," Remus said. "I am not going to let you ruin your relationship with Lily over me," Remus said looking James straight in the eye.
"Remus, we don't have to," James began but Remus cut him off.
"James, you are my friend, I will not let you break up with Lily over me," Remus said firmly. "I think she can be trusted even if she doesn't ever want to speak to me again," he added.
"Remus, if Lily hates you because you're a werewolf I will break up with her," James said with a sigh. "I couldn't be with anyone who hated one of my best friends."
"Thanks, James. But let's hope it doesn't come to that," Remus said with an attempt at a smile. "Why don't you go find her?"
James nodded and stood.
He removed all the locking charms from their door and opened it slowly. Lily was not in the hall. He went down to the Common Room to look for her.
He saw Abby and Mary over in a corner deep in conversation and walked over.
"Have you seen Lily?" he asked.
Both girls glared at him.
"What did you do?" Mary asked.
"I, well, it's complicated," James said lamely. "Look I really need to talk to her."
"Well, I don't think she wants to talk to you," Abby said. "She's up in the dorm crying rather hysterically. We decided it was best to give her some space. Katie and Marlene are with her."
James grimaced. "Look," he said sadly, "Could you tell her that I'm sorry about how I acted before. I can explain everything if she will come down."
"No," Mary said. "I don't know what you did but I think you've done quite enough damage for one night."
"Please, Mary," James begged.
"Give me one good reason," Mary said glaring at him.
"It's important," James said pleading.
"If it was so important, you should have talked to her about it earlier," Abby said.
"Please," James pleaded.
"Forget it, James," Mary said.
"Please," James said. He could feel his eyes burning. He couldn't lose her over this, he couldn't. She had to understand and how could he explain if he couldn't talk to her.
"Did you break up with her?" Abby asked.
"What? No," James looked at her shocked.
"Did you cheat on her?" Mary asked.
"WHAT?" James shouted before regaining control. "Of course not, I would never!" James was at a loss for words. How could they think that?
"Because those are the only two things we can think of that would make anyone cry like that," Mary said.
"Then what were you fighting about?" Abby asked.
"It's not your business," James replied.
Despite his best efforts he could feel the moisture building in his eyes.
"Please, Mary. Just tell her I want to talk to her. She should at least have the choice. Tell her I'm ready to talk about it now. And that I'm sorry."
"Alright, I'll tell her but if she agrees to talk to you and you don't fix it," Mary raised her wand threateningly.
"Got it," James said.
James could feel himself shaking as Mary got up and walked slowly across the Common Room. How could she be so slow? Didn't she know how important this was? He couldn't lose Lily. He loved her…Whoa. What? Bloody hell. This just got a lot more complicated. He didn't know what he would do if she wouldn't talk to him. Mary appeared back at the bottom of the stairs a few minutes later.
"She says to and I quote, 'Go to hell, Potter,'" Mary said. "I tried. I made no guarantees."
James felt like the world was falling out from under him.
He stood there for a moment, dumbfounded. Then he slowly walked back up to his dorm. He walked in and collapsed on his bed burying his face in his pillow and started shouting every bit of profanity he could think of.
"James?" Remus said quietly when he stopped.
"She's up in her dorm. I managed to get Mary to agree to tell her I wanted to talk but Lily told Mary to tell me, 'Go to hell, Potter'," James said miserably.
He pressed his hands to his eyes trying to discretely wipe away the tears that were still threatening to fall.
Silently, Remus got up and left the room. James, with his face still buried in his hands didn't notice.
Remus reached the Common Room and looked around for Mary. Thankfully it was getting late and most people had gone up to bed.
"Mary," he said walking up to her.
"Hi, Remus," Mary said looking up.
"Look, Mary," Remus began. "Can you ask Lily to come down here?"
"I already spoke to her," Mary said glaring daggers at Remus. "She doesn't want to talk to him."
"I know," Remus said. "Could you please tell her that I would like to speak with her?"
Mary look at Remus like he was crazy.
"Please," Remus said. "I'm afraid this misunderstanding is all my fault. I would like to fix it," Remus explained. "I think she might be willing to come down for me."
"You?" Mary asked confused.
"It's complicated," Remus said. "I said something, Lily misunderstood. I don't want them breaking up because of something I said."
"This isn't just some ploy to trick her?" Mary asked dubiously.
"No," Remus replied.
"Alright, then," Mary said.
Five minutes later Mary returned to the Common Room with Lily in tow. She looked awful, but Remus couldn't really blame her.
"Remus," Lily said carefully.
"Will you come up to our dorm for a minute, Lily?" Remus asked quietly. "We'll explain."
"Okay," Lily said her voice shaking.
"Is everyone still decent?" Remus asked sticking his head inside the door.
"Yes," Sirius said. "Where did you go?"
Remus looked at Peter who was sitting on his bed and then over to James who was lying supine on his bed in what looked like a catatonic state.
Remus turned, "It's safe. You can come in."
"Who can come in?" Peter asked.
"Hi," Lily said defensively.
James's head snapped in her direction.
"Lily?" he said uncertainly.
She ignored him and looked at Remus.
"Sit down, Lily," Remus said gently. James sat up to make room on his bed but Lily took a seat on Remus's unoccupied bed.
"James told me what you asked him about earlier," Remus began. Lily just nodded.
"And while I appreciate his efforts to protect me…"
Lily gasped and brought her hand to her mouth.
"I won't let it come at the expense of your relationship," Remus continued.
"So," Lily began. "Are you…?" looking at Remus she couldn't bring herself to say the words.
"Yes," Remus said an expression of anguish on his face. "I am a werewolf."
The silence that followed this pronouncement was so thick James felt he could cut it with a knife.
"If you don't ever want to talk to me again I'll understand," Remus continued. "But please don't tell anyone. Dumbledore doesn't want anyone to know. If other people found out…"
He was cut off as Lily suddenly threw herself across the room and enveloped him in a hug.
"Remus, I would never tell," Lily said. "And of course I still want to talk to you. Why would I not want to talk to you?" Lily said this as if were the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.
"Because, well, I'm a werewolf," Remus said this as if it explained the matter fully.
James looked over at Sirius and Peter. Sirius gave him a questioning look and James shook his head. She hadn't mentioned any suspicions about where they had been the night Remus was off turning into a werewolf. He knew that now that she knew that they would probably have to tell her about being illegal animagi sooner rather than later but now was not the time. Remus being a werewolf was enough to process for one night.
Lily let go of Remus.
"How long?" she asked nervously.
"Since I was four," he replied.
"Oh, Remus," she hugged him again.
"Lily," James said quietly. She turned to look at him.
"I'm sorry," James sighed. "I'm sorry I lied. But I wasn't expecting it and you caught me completely off guard and it wasn't my secret to tell."
Lily nodded. "Can we talk about that in the morning?" she asked. "I'm really tired and my brain is on information overload."
"Yeah, I guess," James said looking nervously at Lily.
Lily finally looked at him properly for the first time since she entered the room. His eyes were red as was the skin around them. Like he had been trying to keep himself from crying.
"James," she said more gently.
"No, it's okay. You have every right to be mad. I just didn't know what to do," James tried to explain. He found that he didn't care that his friends were all standing their staring at them. He needed to know that they were going to be okay.
"James," she said walking over to him. "I get it. We can talk about it in the morning."
"Are we okay?" he asked nervously.
"We probably need to talk about it but yeah," Lily said.
"Are you sure?" James asked again.
"James, what's wrong?" Lily asked quietly.
"I, I thought I'd lost you," he said so quietly she could barely hear him. "Just the idea makes me feel sick."
Lily stood on her tip toes and kissed him gently.
"I feel the same way," she said her voice shaking. "But we are both clearly exhausted. We can talk in the morning. I understand better now. I wasn't thinking about the fact that it wasn't your secret. I was just thinking that I knew you were lying to me and then you just took off. I don't want to lose you either."
"I'm so sorry," James said again looking her right in the eye.
"I know," she said smiling slightly. "We'll be okay. I'll see you in the morning, okay? We both have second period free."
James kissed her gently.
"Good night, James," she said softly.
"Good night, Lily," James replied.
"Lily," Remus said as she turned to leave.
"Yes, Remus?"
"I told Mary that your and James' fight was my fault. I told her that I said something and you misunderstood," Remus said.
"Remus," Lily began.
"It was the only way I could think of to convince her to tell you I was looking for you. I figured if you knew I wanted to talk to you that you would come down," Remus explained.
"Okay," Lily said.
"What did you say you said to upset me?" Lily asked.
"I didn't specify. It's better to keep lies vague. Believe me," Remus explained.
Lily nodded.
"Good night," she said smiling at Remus.
Remus nodded.
Lily left and went back downstairs.