First posted: February 17, 2008

Suggested music: "Lover Lay Down" by Dave Matthews Band

Chapter Thirty-Six

Lost Time

Lily marched out of the Great Hall the moment Professor McGonagall collected the Potions exams. She was very anxious to get back to James's dormitory and see if Mrs. Potter's reply had arrived yet without any of her friends spotting her. She cut in front of the crowd of seventh-years milling about the entrance hall and strode toward the staircase.

Her friends didn't approve of the fact that she had moved into the boys' dormitory and she was petrified that the sight of her disappearing up the boys' staircase would eventually drive them to tell McGonagall. So she hurried away from the rest of her classmates, who were all buzzing with talk of the exam.

Stupid exams…Who cared about N.E.W.T.s anyway? Lily still couldn't manage to spend time with her friends—with the exception of Sirius—without getting angry at them for worrying over trivial things or, even worse, laughing over trivial things. It made her furious.

This is why she had to fight the urge to sprint down the corridor when she heard a familiar voice call her name.

"Lily! Slow down!"

Halfheartedly, Lily turned to see Di chasing her up the marble staircase.

"Blimey, where are you going so fast?" she asked a little breathlessly. "How do you think you did on that exam? I reckon I blew it. I hate Potions. But you're so good at it—I bet it was a piece of cake for you, right?"

Lily reluctantly slowed her pace to let Di fall into step next beside her, though she refused to look at her friend. "Yeah, it was pretty easy," she grunted.

Di touched Lily's shoulder to make her stop. "Lil, what is with you? Are you angry at me?"

"No."

"Come off it, Lily. Don't lie about it. What's wrong?"

Lily rounded on her. "What do you think is wrong?" she cried. "Have you noticed that someone rather important to me has not been around lately? Or are you too busy getting ready to work for that power-hungry bloke who almost arrested you for murder? I don't know, Di, but I don't really see what isn't wrong with that! I just know that if I ever killed someone, the last thing I would do is celebrate."

"I'm not celebrating," snapped Di.

"All right, what would you call it then?" asked Lily dryly.

"Why can't you just be a little happy for me, Lily?" retorted Di. "I'm sorry about James, I really am, but I'm your friend too! Remember?"

"I'd be happier for you if this job you've somehow landed wasn't so dodgy. Did you even stop to think about it? Who gets hired for murdering someone? I don't get it. What did you say to Crouch that made you so bloody appealing to him?"

At that point, the crowd of seventh-years had reached the top of the marble staircase. They jostled Lily and Di as they walked by, staring with interest at the argument. Lily and Di ignored them.

Di stepped closer. "You want to know what I said to Crouch, then? I told him the truth. It was an accident—I never meant to kill anyone, especially not your ex-boyfriend," she spat, her voice rising. "But he was a Death Eater. Just like the people who broke into my house and killed my parents while they were drinking their after-dinner tea. I told Crouch I was glad I killed him. I still am. I'm glad Clive Pritchard is dead!" yelled Di. "One less fucking Death Eater out there killing people!"

People had stopped on the landing to stare now. Lily couldn't do anything else either. She stared, speechless, at Di, whose face was inches from hers, red from screaming.

Di raised her finger and pointed it at Lily. "Do not judge me, Lily Evans. Do not! Imagine that it was your parents they killed. Imagine that James was gone forever because of them. Just put yourself there and try and tell me that you would not kill them if you had the chance."

Lily didn't have to stretch her imagination further than James's blank face on the pillow of the hospital bed. The face that haunted her, driving her from her own bed, possibly driving her out of her very mind. His father had done that to him, though ultimately, it came down to Voldemort. He was responsible for it all in the end.

Lily didn't need to think about it. If she could, she would murder him in a heartbeat, as Di had murdered Clive. She would not pause in ridding the world forever of the damage, the devastation, the hatred that was Lord Voldemort.

And, Lily knew, it would be nothing but a great relief.

Lily blinked away James's face, her eyes filling as her glare dissolved. She threw her arms around Di.

"I'm sorry," she croaked into Di's shoulder. "I know."

* * *

It was noon.

Lily was lying in his bed. Exams were over. Classes were over. Everybody was celebrating outside in the sunshine. All she could do was lay in James's bed, safe and alone in his sheets, the hangings of his four-poster shielding her from the light.

She heard footsteps coming up the stairs, then the door opening. Oh, please just leave me alone, she begged silently.

Sirius's voice broke through the hangings, through her little fortress. "Lily? Are you still in bed?"

Lily started at the way his voice sounded, as though he had just been laughing—like it used to sound. She rolled over and stared at the canopy above her. Now she was the only one who could not move on.

"I don't want to get up. Please just go away," she sighed.

"You do realize that this isn't even your room?"

Lily's heart jumped. What the hell? Was she going nuts? Sirius sounded like…like…him.

Had she gone so far over the edge that she was imagining James's voice now?

Whatever…she didn't care if she was insane. It felt so good to hear his voice—even if she knew it was just Sirius.

She decided to play along with her own insanity, wanting to drag out this bizarre fantasy as long as she could. Besides, if she was really crazy, she could go live at St. Mungo's with James. "What's your point?" she asked.

"My point is—" there it was again! "—you can't exactly order people around when you're on their turf."

Lily found herself actually smiling. "That's a nice thing to say after all we've been through. I think I've earned some right, since I've lived here for almost two weeks now."

"Two weeks? Has it been that long?"

Lily grinned at the canopy. She felt like a drug addict slipping into a relapse. But she couldn't care about the pain of the morning after; the familiar high was too good.

"I need sleep."

"I think you've had enough sleep. The day is almost over," said Sirius in James's sweet, wonderfully smooth voice. "Are you coming out or aren't you?"

"Mmm…I don't think so." She couldn't get up. Lily knew that once she opened the curtain, this wild spell of insanity would break and she would be talking with Sirius again.

"But you said we could go swimming."

Lily stopped breathing. Something pounded in her head, as though her heart had hopped up into it. "What did you say?" she demanded in a low, furious voice. This was going too far…

"You said it yourself. We could go swimming in the lake," continued the voice calmly. The curtain was pulled open and she reluctantly turned her head toward the opening. But it wasn't Sirius's face she saw. "When I got back."

Lily snapped upright and stared into James's face, unable to believe it. Was this a dream? He burst out laughing. Lily opened her mouth to scream but instead, her throat collapsed into tears. Sobbing, she reached out to touch his face. She held her hands there on his cheeks and looked into his eyes—eyes that stared back at her, full of light and life. Then, in one fierce movement, he swung his arms around her and pressed her to him.

Lily held on as tight as she could, afraid that he was just another illusion that would slip away. The tears rolled out of her. She could not stop them. All her grief and sorrow was rolling out with them, pushed out to make room for the powerful happiness that had suddenly taken over. He held her deep in his arms and she touched his back, felt his neck, and wrapped her hands around the back of his head—trying to convince herself that he was real.

She kissed his shoulder like a devout kissing a temple floor. A fresh wave of sobs broke over her when he leaned his head against hers, remembering the last time she had kissed him—when he could not respond.

His breath tickled her ear. "Why are you crying, Lily?" he murmured.

Lily closed her eyes and took deep breaths into his shoulder. "I can't believe you came back," she gasped.

James tucked his face into her neck. "Shhh," he whispered, his hands rubbing soothing circles on her back. He lifted his head and leaned his forehead against hers. Their faces were so close, her tears caught on his eyelashes. Not close enough for Lily.

He smiled. "Of course I came back. I love you too much."

Lily kissed him urgently. "I love you too much, too."

Never loosening his grip, James leaned forward and laid her back onto the bed. Slowly, Lily got control of her breathing, though the tears kept sliding down her face, kept coming up from deep within. She relaxed into his pillow, his head an inch from hers.

He grinned. "So I take it you missed me, then?"

Lily laughed and more tears streamed out from her eyes, down onto the pillow. He kissed one of them as it slipped down her cheek, catching it on his lips. Not one of her fantasies had ever lived up to this.

"Just a bit."

"Is that why you're in my bed?"

Lily nodded. "I couldn't sleep in mine…Nightmares."

James kissed both her eyelids. "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" She curled her hand and brushed his cheek with her fingertips. "You came back."

"Yeah…" He cast his eyes downward. "But I just…hate that I put you through this."

Lily twisted her neck to look into his eyes. "You didn't put me through anything."

James gave a small nod. He kissed her again, deeply. "I missed you, Lily," he whispered, his lips moving against her cheek.

She smiled. "How? You didn't even know who I was."

James simply smiled back at her. "I still missed you."

Lily bent her neck and dug her face into his shoulder. "God, I wish I had been there when you got better. Dumbledore wouldn't let me visit you."

"It didn't happen all at once," said James. Lily could feel the rumble of his voice in his throat against her ear. "I was actually really slow. Mum didn't even want to write you for fear of giving you false hope. But then I started talking and stopped acting like a zombie and after that, everything sort of rushed back at me. They made me stay in the mental ward for two more days even though once I was better, I was better. It was torture. All I did was read your letters. I was so glad you hadn't forgotten me."

Lily lifted her head and looked at him. "Forgotten you?" she asked, unable to comprehend.

"You'd worry too, if you'd missed twelve whole days of your life," he said, lowering his chin. "And do you realize how hard it was to get you in the first place? I figured it would be just as difficult to hold on to you." Suddenly his eyes darted away from hers. "I didn't even know you loved me. I heard it first from my mum in your letter. I had to see it in your handwriting to believe it was true."

Lily squeezed him. The ache she felt for him killed her urge to laugh at the absurdity of the idea of her forgetting him—of her not loving him.

"I could never, ever forget you, James," she whispered into his wild hair.

He kissed her again. Lily could feel his trust. She smiled, without pulling away, so that their smiles touched.

"Then what happened?"

"They told me this morning I could go back to school," said James. "Mum wrote Sirius as soon as I was talking again but I wanted to surprise you."

Lily grinned. "It worked."

"I noticed."

"I literally thought I was going insane…I thought I was imagining Sirius with your voice."

James laughed. "Well, it was him talking at first. He's the only person I've seen since I Flooed into Dumbledore's office. Sirius met me there and I immediately asked him where you were. Imagine my surprise when he brought me to my own bed," said James, grinning. "Don't worry—he left. I reckon he wanted to be tactful for once his life."

"Good. I've had enough of him," said Lily. She wrapped her arms around James's neck and sighed in overwhelming contentment. "I want you all to myself."

James kissed her then. Then again. Then they were wrapped up in each other, so close they didn't know where one ended and the other began. And yet, it still wasn't close enough.

James kissed her neck and she leaned into him. Lily's hand slipped beneath his shirt and she ran her fingers over his warm skin, pushing the shirt over his head. James paused and looked into her eyes. Lily met them, letting a million words pass through their gaze. Without looking away, Lily pulled off her own shirt. Then James cupped his palm to the back of her neck and pressed her to him. He ran his fingers through her knotted hair as she searched for the button of his pants. James gently slid his own boxer shorts—the ones she had slept in—down over her hips and kicked off the ones he had been wearing.

There was no longer anything between them.

They touched each other and explored each other's bodies for the first time, trying to make up for the lost time all at once. Holding his cheek to hers, James slipped over her. Lily gripped his back. The swelling, mounting happiness inside of her seemed to explode into a million glittering pieces that spread all the way down to her toes and to the tips of her finger. She felt it radiating inside of her, around her, everywhere, as all the feelings that were just too big to bear let go at last. They were outside, free, between herself and James, linking them together. At last there was no need for words. They knew.

* * *

"So I heard you saved my life," said James, glancing into her face. He was lying on his side, facing Lily.

Lily walked her fingers along his arm. "Maybe."

"I heard you jumped in front of Voldemort's Killing Curse. Were you mad?" demanded James, his tone changing suddenly. "You could have died!"

"I'm aware of that," said Lily calmly.

James bent his head into her chest. Lily felt him sigh into her skin. "Why did you do it, then? Imagine me now, back, only to find out you're dead because of me."

Lily brought her hands to his wild hair and gently combed through it with her fingers. "I couldn't help it."

"Yeah, well," said James sharply. "Don't ever do it again."

"I won't promise that—I would do it again in a heartbeat," said Lily, wanting to laugh again. Didn't he get it? "I love you too much, remember?"

James looked up at her from below his eyebrows and her hands fell to his shoulders. "Well," he said grudgingly, touching her hair. "Thank you." He laid a kiss on her lips.

"Anytime."

"It was really stupid, though."

Lily peered at him. "Don't say that. That's what Voldemort said."

James frowned and pulled her closer to him. Lily pressed her face into his shoulder and closed her eyes. She breathed in his scent—his real, living scent—and wondered how she had lived off his bed sheets for two weeks.

"You're so brave, Lily," he whispered into her hair. They didn't move for a long moment. Then he murmured, "I shouldn't have followed him. None of this would have happened."

Lily lifted her head. "Will you stop that? You can't blame yourself for any of this, James Potter. He's your father. Of course you followed him."

The pained expression remained on his face, tensing up his features. "But I didn't even stop to think about what kind of danger I was putting you and Sirius in. I was such an idiot."

Lily kissed his clenched jaw. "Shut up, will you? You're our James. Of course we followed you. It's not your fault." Then she kissed his wrinkled brow. "In any case, that night is over. So let's not think about it."

James touched his forehead to hers. "You're too good for me."

Lily laughed. "My, you're humble today."

"It's a side effect of going mental for two weeks," said James. "But it's true. Why the hell would you ever want to risk your life for an idiot like me?"

"Are you going to make me explain it again?"

James let his head fall into his palm. "Please?"

Lily smiled. "Because I love you."

James grinned broadly. He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her on top of him. "That's fun to hear."

Lily leaned her chin on his chest, smiling. "It's kind of fun to say, too."

James's grin softened to a smile as he looked at her. Lily stared back at him, touching every detail of his face with her eyes. Pure gratitude rose inside of her, bursting in every part of her. She did not know what to do with it all. She felt as though she had gone from having nothing but the faded scent of a broken dream to being showered with everything with just one look at his face. It made her that much happier, as though the great sadness that had drowned her was now levitating her. There were so many things to do now, so many things to say. Suddenly she had time once again and she was so thankful. She had time to love him, time to be with him. This was her second chance, and she would not waste a moment of it.