Unspoken
By mihoyonagi
Chapter 35: Affection
Sephiroth was torn greatly between two major decisions, both of which were equally toeing the line that divided his mind between sanity and insanity. The first was the undeniable urge to take Aerith in his arms and simply hold her. He was, after all, a stranger to love and the feelings that accompanied it, and didn't know what else to do. He wanted to be near her, that much was undoubted. His second option was to simply cut off his hands to prevent himself from reaching out to her.
The second option was beginning to look like the lesser of two evils.
It wasn't that Sephiroth wanted to hide his feelings from his beautiful flower maiden; in fact, it was the far opposite, he had come to realize. Sephiroth wanted nothing more than to, quite frankly, tell her that she drove him crazy, then promptly hold her small frame tightly against his own.
The fact of the matter was, however, the problem he had with envisioning himself and Aerith actually together. Unfortunately, Sephiroth was hell bent and determined not to be with the flower girl for one simple reason; he was a monster. Sephiroth knew that Aerith deserved far better than a such a monstrous human being as he.
She had returned his kiss when they were stuck behind the couch back in Wutai, and despite how his heart had fluttered about in his chest like a butterfly on moogle-nip, his heart sunk the more he thought about it. He had killed her for crying out loud, and here he was picturing her wrapped safely in his arms, squished against him so tight he would be able to hear her very heart beat.
It was a barrage of mental anguish and Sephiroth, who had never before felt an emotion so intense before, was resisting the unrelenting urge to kick himself in the head, even if such an action wouldn't help the situation any and only provide him with a large headache.
Aerith, it seemed, wasn't bothered by his state of mild delirium and constant, if only meek, agitation and jumpiness, or at the very least she was an amazing actress and pretended to know nothing of what the general was going through. Sephiroth wasn't sure what to suspect of the flower girl, and so he tired his best to convince himself that she merely didn't notice his strange state, or that she was simply giving him his space.
The road from the small coastal outlet to Rocket Town seemed to stretch on forever; Sephiroth wasn't sure to be thankful that he was given time enough to think to himself, or be annoyed that the road seemed endless, thus giving him ample time to casually steal glances at Aerith whenever her attention was being paid elsewhere. It was early afternoon when the companions reached the busting town that no longer had a rocket within its city limits. Sephiroth thought it strange that the inhabitants of the township would keep the name Rocket Town when the town no longer harbored a rocket; the only proof, in fact, that demonstrated the notion that the town was once part of any kind of space program was the large, empty launch pad set far back against the trees and houses. Its hallowing stature informed all who entered that this city, and this city alone, was home to the first astronaut, the first man to walk among the stars. The city, with or without a functioning rocket, was as much a part of history as Sephiroth himself. Still, Sephiroth pondered the accuracy and logic of keeping rocket in a name when the rocket in question was absent.
Aerith interrupted his inner musings of the town and its missing rocket. "We only need to be here long enough to buy a few things. I don't want to be here any longer than we have to." Sephiroth noticed that, when she spoke, her voice had lost its normally high-spirited trill. Instantly, he recognized that she was uncomfortable and on edge, which only made him so. "We just need to re-supply, then we can leave." Aerith was almost chanting, and Sephiroth suspected that she was talking more to herself than him.
Upon finally entering the city, Sephiroth was rather taken aback at the celebratory mood everyone seemed to be in. Streamers and balloons were set along the fence of a small house nearing the center of town. A large crowd of people had gathered in the front lawn of the house and nearly all of them had a paper plate with a piece of chocolate cake adorning it. Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Sephiroth began to wonder if every town he and the flower girl were going to be traveling through would be throwing some sort of festival.
Sephiroth was able to keep up with Aerith, despite the crowd, and was still capable of looking around at the town and everyone's uplifted faces. Several small children frolicked on the other side of the little white picket fence, while their parents looked happily upon them and chatted with the other adults. Sephiroth was quick to notice that the old pilot Aerith had traveled with was not with the large crowd outside of what the general could only guess was the airman's house.
The atmosphere changed quickly as Sephiroth followed Aerith into a small café. Though the seats were crowded and the environment lively, the small eatery gave off a distinctly relaxed impression. The general noticed several heads turn upon his entrance, most likely to gaze upon his shock of silver hair, but everyone turned back to their meals and paid the strange couple no further attention.
Not sure why Aerith would be stopping in a café for, Sephiroth followed her to the front counter. He watched her sit down on an empty bar stool and then pat the empty seat next to her, beckoning him to join her. Noticing that her face was somewhat somber, Sephiroth ignored the fact that he felt as if she had called him like a dog to him and instead sat and peered at the menu above the counter. Lacking a larger emotional range, Sephiroth was silently grateful that he couldn't verbally ask Aerith what was bothering her so; he, honestly, had a distinct feeling that she wouldn't tell him right away if he were to ask. He mentally decided it was something having to do with either her pilot friend, or her being a woman and prone to mood swings. Sephiroth prayed that it wasn't the latter. He had enough trouble being around Aerith when she was emotionally stable as it were.
"What can I get you two?" A tall man stood behind the counter, drying his hands on a dish towel.
"Two chocolate milkshakes, please." Aerith's smile was genuine, despite the tension behind her voice that Sephiroth was very aware of. He was, though however slowly, beginning to learn all of Aerith's quirky traits. It was no longer difficult for him to decipher the emotion behind her voice. Deciphering them, however, was one thing; Sephiroth didn't even think about understanding them. If there was one thing that the general was absolutely sure about, it was that Aerith was not to be analyzed. Just when he was convinced that he had the flower girl figured out, she would say or do something that would have his mind pounding the rethink button.
The waiter brought the requested milkshakes and set them down upon the counter, one in front of each of his new patrons. Without skipping a beat, and much to Sephiroth's dismay, the waiter immediately began to strike up conversation with Aerith. "Are you two from out of town?"
Aerith smiled, sipping her milkshakes. "We are just passing though, yes."
The waiter returned her smile, while Sephiroth looked upon the conversation with slight distaste.
"Where are the two of you headed?"
Aerith, ever quick on her toes, supplied the waiter an answer before Sephiroth was even able to formulate a plausible answer in his own mind. "Cosmo Canyon. I have a relative of sorts that lives there."
"Nice place, Cosmo Canyon." The waiter was leaning slightly over the counter. It made Sephiroth slightly uneasy, though the general had enough self control to stop himself from picking Aerith up and marching her outside. Had people in Rocket Town never heard of personal space?
"It's very beautiful, indeed." Sephiroth watched Aerith take another large sip of her milkshake. Deciding to do the same, Sephiroth snatched his glass off of the countertop in front of him and proceeded to inhale a large portion of the frozen drink.
It turned out to be a terrible idea. Instantly, a piercing pain shot through Sephiroth's skull. For one brief, flickering moment of despair, Sephiroth thought Jenova had come back to haunt him. After several more seconds of the pounding headache, he came to the conclusion that it was not an alien life form intruding on his brain, but rather brain freeze. When he finally managed to come to his senses, Sephiroth was surprised to hear the light twitter that was Aerith's giggle. He instantly turned to her and shot her a rather questioning look. He watched as she placed her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing any harder out loud.
"I'm sorry, Seph, but that face you made… Oh goodness!"
Realizing that he must have, indeed, looked quite silly in order to earn such a reaction from Aerith, he decided to ignore the fact that she was laughing at him. Playfully, he rolled his eyes and took another sip of his milkshakes, careful to drink only a small portion.
"Never had a milkshake before?" The waiter's face was a mix of amusement and astonishment.
Sephiroth merely shrugged, turning his head and looking around the café at some of the other patrons. He didn't want to strike up conversation with the café worker, not simply because of the fact that he couldn't do much actual talking. After being all but ambushed by the bartender back in Wutai when he was garbed in… Well, Sephiroth was on less than good terms with those who sold drinks over a counter because of what happened.
"Have you congratulated the captain yet?"
Sephiroth watched Aerith look up out of the corner of his eye. He sat still while she gave the barista a befuddled look.
"His son was born this morning. Sorry; it was a little silly for me to assume that a couple of outsiders would know information like that."
Sephiroth's heart sank as he watched Aerith stiffen. Though it was obvious, to Sephiroth at the least, that she her mind was spinning, she smiled up at the waiter and shook her head. "How much do we owe you?"
The waiter shrugged. "Don't worry about it. I've been giving free drinks to my regulars all day; what kind of person would I be if I wasn't kind to strangers, too?"
Aerith stood, bowing her head. "Thank you very much. I hope you and the town have fun with the celebration. Tell C –the captain- that everyone wishes him good luck with his family, I'm sure."
Though the waiter gave Aerith a puzzled look, he nodded nevertheless. Sephiroth could feel the man's eyes on them as he and Aerith quickly fled the café.
She stopped in the middle of the street, peering around for a few moments. Sephiroth was slightly frightened over the idea that Aerith might be looking for her old, foul-mouthed pilot friend. He moved to reach a hand out to her in order to comfort her, but she hadn't noticed the motion and began moving before he was able to actually touch her. With a sigh, Sephiroth followed her into the item shop. She silently sauntered through the crowd and smiled at the shop attendant.
"We just need a few things."Aerith began listing off their requirements to the shopkeep while he smiled and nodded, hands disappearing under the counter and reappearing with whatever Aerith had previously listed off. Despite the fact that their needs were small, the price of the goods was not; the necessities were costing them nearly all they had managed to save up from fighting the monsters during their travels. Sephiroth thought it to rather be a pity; he was planning on asking Aerith for a slice of cake for their journey for he missed the sugary goodness terribly.
After paying the item shop's proprietor what he had requested, much to the dismay of their now light wallet, Aerith thanked the man and turned on her heels, nearly bowling Sephiroth over in her actions. Her face, however, didn't falter in the slightest when their shoulders collided and she instead scurried out of the door before Sephiroth was able to do much more than follow her.
He gave her a small amount of space until they reached the outskirts of town. Quickening his pace, Sephiroth reached out his hand and gently placed it on Aerith's stiff shoulder. Her reaction, however, confused the general; instead of taking his gesture of goodwill and opening up to him, or at least confronting him, she merely roller her shoulder and shook his hand off. Displeased with her actions, Sephiroth was slowly becoming frustrated with the flower girl. Once more, he placed his hand upon Aerith's shoulder, but this time took a firm grip so that she would not be able to shake him off.
She stopped so suddenly that Sephiroth almost collided into her back. Her body was stiff, her shoulder's haunched over as if she were trying to hide her face. "What?" She had never before held venom in her voice. Sephiroth was becoming rather angry over Aerith's reactions. Placing his free hand on Aerith's other shoulder, Sephiroth turned the flower girl around to face him. Trying to put on a face that sent the message of 'please let me know what is happening to you' as well as 'please don't be this way', the general silently prayed that Aerith wasn't possessed by some sort of evil creature that makes one act out.
His prayers weren't answered, though Aerith was not, in fact, possessed by any soft of creature.
"I went into the dammed cafe on purpose, alright!"
Sephiroth immediately let go of Aerith's shoulders and took a large step backwards. Never before had the flower girl yelled at him with such anger in her voice.
Aerith clenched her fists into tight balls and thrust them downward at her sides. "I'll admit it- I miss my friends. I went into the cafe hoping to hear at least a little something about Cid and I got what I wanted but now I'm unhappier than if I hadn't found out! My friend has a baby and I won't be around to watch or help it grow up! As far as I know, Cid still thinks that I am dead and I might as well be because Cloud will never stop coming after us and we'll never get a break and I'll never see my friends again and I feel so damn lonely!"
The flower girl crossed her arms and turned away from the dumbfounded Sephiroth.
"I'll come clean, Sephiroth. I'm selfish. I want to see all of my friends again. I want to stay up late painting my nails and braiding my hair with Tifa; I want to play trivia games with Red; I want to play video games and watch sappy movies with Yuffie; I want to play cards with Reeve, along side Cait Sith; I want to help Cid raise his baby; I want to talk about the books I've read with Vincent; at this point in time, I even want to watch sports with Barret. But I can't because I'm running away from Cloud with you. I'm running away from everything I know."
Sephiroth could hear all of the emotions Aerith was pouring into her words. She was angry, that much was clear; but Sephiroth could not hear a drop of hate in her voice.
The flower maiden who he had begun to fall so hard for turned out to be just as human as everyone else. Sephiroth's throat was dry and his eyes were burning with an unfamiliar feeling. He didn't notice Aerith turn around, for his mind was spinning and his eyes were focusing more on keeping him steady.
"Please don't hate me." Aerith's hands reached up and removed several tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. Sephiroth looked up, and though his eyes met with hers, he felt as though his own irises were staring out with empty gazes.
The woman who he had thought so pure, so perfect, was just as human as he was. A million emotions burst through him at once, most of all the realization that Aerith wasn't a saint. The fact that he had put her so high upon a pedestal in his own mind bothered him- it had made her affections unattainable. But now- oh Shiva above, she was almost even more splendid than before.
For the first time since his resurrection, Sephiroth made a profound realization; he was not a monster, and Aerith was not a saint. They were human. And they were far from perfect. That, however, meant everything to Sephiroth. Angels and demons despised one another. Humans could learn to love one another. Could he gain Aerith's affections? How?
The emotional turmoil that Sephiroth was going through felt amazing and terrible at the same time. His mind was a mess. He should be angry at Aerith for berating him so, and for being so selfish. She was blaming her problems on him when she knew just as well as he did that they were both to blame equally. Aerith had brought him back to life, yes, but she has opted to stay with the swordsman instead of abandon him. Had she wanted her own life, she had been more than welcome to take it. But she hadn't, and such was the reason why Sephiroth was so happy. She had stayed with him, and even though she was unhappy at times, for she missed her friends, she had still forgiven him for taking away what was precious to her in the capital city; her life. That was, however, why Sephiroth decided, finally, why he loved her; she was human, and she was, to him, perfect.
Aerith, however, seemed to mistake his emotional revelation as shock. She shook her head and squished her visage into a most unattractive face. "Please don't hate me. I'm not made at you, I just miss how everything used to be- when it was simple."
Sephiroth opened his mouth, hoping his voice would come to his rescue. It, however, still shunned him and refused to allow him to speak. Reaching for his notebook, he stopped when Aerith put her hand on his forearm. He looked up at her, but she refused to meet his gaze. "I don't want to stay here any longer. Can we talk about this when we get to Nibelheim?"
The general nodded and removed his hand from his pocket. They began to walk, side by side, gazes apart, toward the Nibelheim mountains. It was obvious to Sephiroth that Aerith had much on her mind, though her expression was far lighter than it should have been given her outburst. Perhaps, Sephiroth decided, she merely needed to get her emotions off of her chest. He, after all, had never been big for conversation since he couldn't really speak. They would sort things out when they reached somewhere safer to stay than the plains outside of Rocket Town.
In the mean time, however, Sephiroth pondered how best to win Aerith's affections. He knew, based off of the way she had spoken, that she was merely upset and not angry with him. Hate had not been an emotion that had flooded her voice during her outburst. That meant, in the mind of the general, that there was room for improvement on his behalf. He wanted Aerith's approval- he wanted her to smile up at him, and hold him and kiss him and- oh good Ramah, there his mind went again, with the mushy-gushy stuff. Sephiroth smiled slyly to himself; as long as no one knew he was thinking such tender thoughts, what was the harm? After all, wasn't the way to a woman's heart through romance?
Sephiroth's smile faded. What did he know of romance?