Thank you as always for continuing to read this story. This is the first half of a very long chapter. I just couldn't stop writing and it turned out to be mammoth, so I split it. Hope you enjoy :)
I don't own The Brave or any of its characters... But I wish I did!
Chapter 35
He was in love with her. He was in love with Jaz.
Dalton lay staring up at the ceiling. He was in Jaz's hotel room, with her snuggled up to his chest, his arms wrapped around her and comfortable as ever, but he still hadn't had a wink of sleep.
He knew by now that she would start to stir soon, he had lived with her enough over the last three years to know when she usually woke up, disregarding when the Toughbook cam rings. For now though he was happy that she was still asleep because he was still trying to wrap his head around his realisation.
His epiphany.
He was in love with her. He was in love with Jaz.
He'd never felt this way before; he knew that for sure now, which was probably why it had taken so long to register. He already knew he liked her—a lot. He already knew he cared for her—a lot. But this was… everything.
This was being unable to imagine his life without her. Not just the teammate. Not just the best sniper he'd ever met. Not just the sarcastic, blunt and quick-witted friend. Just Jaz.
Even thinking just Jaz, felt wrong. She was everything.
And sure he couldn't imagine life without all aspects of her either, but this was just… a mind fuck.
An absolute mind fuck.
How the fuck had this happened? When did this happen? Did she know? Did she feel the same? Does anyone else know? Does Preach know? Probably.
That was the only question he knew the answer to. Of course Preach knew.
Dalton had never felt so unhinged, and yet so content at the same time. He finally knew why so many little things had been eating away at him for the last three years. He finally knew why he always paired himself with her on mission or why she was the first one he turned to. He finally knew why when a mission directly involved her, it always felt worse. He finally knew why Tehran had shaken him to the core.
And he finally knew the answer to Xander's question.
Why would losing Jaz be so difficult for you?
Because he was in love with her.
He looked across at this beautiful woman in his arms, still in awe at his realisation, and wondered when it was exactly that she had slipped through his defences? When it was that she dug her way through his walls? And when it was that she had become the most important person in his life?
Nuzzling her hair, as he couldn't resist doing, he just held her close, still gobsmacked, but also relieved that he'd finally figured it out.
Jaz blinked her eyes open and awake about an hour later. She smiled contentedly when she found herself curled up to Adam's chest.
One of his arms was wrapped around her, holding her firmly to his side, the other bent up under his head and he was wide awake, staring up at the ceiling.
"Hey," She greeted him sleepily, her arm on his chest wrapping around him tighter.
"Hey." He answered softly, turning his head to smile gently at her.
Although his eyes twinkled as he looked at her, when they met her own, she noticed instantly how tired he looked and knew he hadn't slept well.
"You ok? Did you have a nightmare?" Jaz lifted her head from his chest to study his face.
Dalton felt his heart beat a little faster that she was so in tune with him, that she could read him so well. He instinctively pulled her even closer to him.
"No, I'm fine, just didn't sleep well."
He was lying. He was far from fine. He was feeling things that he had never felt before. He didn't know how to articulate them and definitely didn't know what to do with them. And he sure as hell didn't know what to tell Jaz.
"You sure?" She asked him, placing her hand on his cheek and rubbing her thumb across his cheek bone, "Anything you want to talk about?"
He paused before answering, momentarily wondering if he should tell her; wondering how she would react. But wanting to think it over some more and get a better grasp on it himself, he just smiled gently at her.
"I'm good. But I might hit the gym early before breakfast since I have that meeting with Patricia later."
Patricia had teed up a meeting with Dalton in the early afternoon, mostly to discuss their next deployment, even though that was still some time off.
Jaz wanted to suggest that he stay with her and get his workout in bed, but she could see that he had something on his mind, and was pretending like he didn't have something on his mind. She hoped that whatever had kept him up all night was easily assuaged with exercise – but she knew better. For now though, she didn't press the matter.
When she leaned over to press her lips quickly to his, he returned the kiss, pulled back to look into her eyes deeply, with an expression on his face that she couldn't place, and then got out of her bed to walk back into his own room.
Watching him walk away, Xander's words once again played in her mind:
What I want you to keep asking yourself over the next few days, or for however long it takes is why the image of your CO with a bullet to the head is so devastating?
Why did it make you break?
She still didn't have the answer, but waking up next to him was still her favourite thing in the world.
Rolling over she tried to go back to sleep for another hour or so before breakfast. She was unsuccessful. The words just kept flashing through her mind.
Why did it make you break?
After breakfast, the team agreed that they wanted to stay close to the hotel that day. Dalton had his meeting with the Deputy Director that afternoon but the rest of them wanted to hit the gym, have a swim and just generally take it easy.
They were all going to have dinner together, with Hannah as well, later that evening so after breakfast they went their separate ways.
Dalton's meeting with Patricia that afternoon was as he expected.
They discussed options for their next deployment and whether or not to continue to use Incirlik as their base.
They discussed Preach's progress and what plans to put in place if he wasn't ready to deploy at the same time as the others.
Patricia needed to know, that despite being on leave, the team were keeping up with their fitness and skills regime, which Dalton could categorically vouch for. One of the many great things about his team, was that they took care of their fitness and were constantly honing their skills. They needed to always be ready, who knew what the world could throw at them at a moment's notice.
And finally Patricia needed to know that Dalton and Jaz were both continuing to cope with their therapy sessions with Captain Martin.
Putting all his training into practice, Dalton looked Patricia square in the eye and without a flicker on his face, assured her that he was doing just fine and to his knowledge, Jaz was too.
"Good." Patricia responded quietly after studying his face for a moment. Despite the complexity of their jobs, she cared a great deal for this team, especially in light of what had went down with Hoffman. Making sure they were ok and that they would be ready for duty wasn't just her exacting her authority; it came from a deep level of care too.
Moving on to a lighter topic, she asked Dalton what his plans were for the rest of the day.
"Going to hit the pool when I get back to the hotel and then we're all having dinner tonight, with Hannah also."
"Ah, Hannah does seem to be quite taken with Amir. I assume he feels the same way?"
"Your assumption would be correct." Dalton answered with a grin on his face.
"Good. I think they're good for each other." Patricia stated matter of factly.
Just nodding his head, Dalton couldn't wait to get out of that room. As much respect and admiration as he had for Patricia, he was still struggling with his own revelation about his feelings for Jaz. He didn't need Patricia picking up on that as well.
Leaving her office with the promise of checking back in soon, he took a big deep breath and exhaled a sigh of relief as he exited the building. He hadn't out right lied to his Deputy Director about anything, but lying by omission could be just as bad. And when it was to someone as sharp as Patricia—well he hated to think about what the consequences could be.
He needed that swim desperately. He needed to lose himself in some sort of physical activity.
What he wouldn't give to be back at his cabin right now to set off on a hike with Patton. To breath in the crisp mountain air and to clear his head.
Having said that, he didn't want to be there without Jaz. Having her stay at the cabin with him for those few weeks meant he couldn't think of the place without tying it to her also. He was desperate to get back there with her, but first he needed to sort out these feelings in his head.
And his heart.
Jaz spent the early part of the afternoon churning up and down the swimming pool. She'd spent the best part of an hour swimming lap after lap after lap, all the while Xander's words flashing through her mind.
Why did it make you break?
She wished she had an answer. She knew that she cared about Dalton. She cared about her whole team, which was why seeing the pictures that Arthur had thrown in her face, upset her so much.
But it was Adam that she had nightmares about. It was his death that played out in her nightmares, intertwined between those of Elijah and her father.
It was also Adam that she dreamt about; the good sort of dreams. She had been lucky to wake up to him right beside her for the last few weeks, making this time seem like a dream in itself.
She was struggling to find an answer to Xander's question, so deciding to just let it sit for a while, she dried herself off and then lay down on one of the loungers by the pool, soaking up some sun.
If the answers weren't going to come to her, maybe a nap would help clear her mind.
Right there on the lounger she fell asleep, tired after her long swim and exhausted from her mind working overtime.
Taking the elevator to the rooftop pool, Dalton couldn't wait to hit the water, knowing it would be cathartic and soothing to his wired up emotions.
Walking towards the pool and the loungers surrounding it, he stopped in his tracks as a huge rush of warmth washed over him.
There on a lounger, fast asleep, was Jaz.
Dalton felt his breath catch and his pulse race as a surge of emotion rippled through him. There it was again, that feeling that he had been unable to pinpoint until the night before. That feeling, while unfamiliar, felt like coming home.
There was no doubt in his mind that he was in love with Jaz.
He was amazed at this feeling. Like she was the most precious thing in the world and all he wanted to do was protect her and shelter her from… everything. Which almost made him laugh because Jaz certainly didn't need protecting or sheltering.
Shaking his head wryly to himself, he put his towel down on the lounger next to hers, moved a sun umbrella over her so that she didn't burn and then dove into the pool with the grace of a seasoned veteran.
The gradual churning of the laps helped him to clear his mind, although never quite taking his mind off the beauty resting poolside.
After about half an hour, he surfaced at one end to find Jaz sitting on the side of the pool with her legs dangling in the water. The sheer sight of her in her swimsuit, hair pulled into a messy bun on top of her head and her eyes squinting into the sun was enough to make his heart thud in his chest.
There it was again. It was as if the last 12 hours had changed his entire life; had changed the effect Jaz had on him. He had already known that after the last few weeks she was special to him, but this was next level.
He was in love with her.
"I'm assuming I have you to thank for the umbrella." Jaz smiled at him.
Dalton cleared his throat and shook himself from his thoughts, "Well no one else would have come near you with that snoring…"
He chuckled as he was hit square in the face with a splash of water. Looking at Jaz, he would love nothing more than to grab her around the waist and pull her into the water, flush against him.
He would love nothing more than to make love to her right there in the pool.
All of a sudden the term making love took on a whole new meaning, and Dalton needed to keep moving before he did something he would regret.
He gestured towards the empty pool, "I mean, I'd challenge you to race but I know you must be worn out from your swim earlier so…"
With that he heard Jaz slide herself into the pool and she sidled up next to him. Never one to back down from a challenge, Jaz got herself ready.
"Ok, ready, set…."
Before he even finished he took a breath and pushed off from the wall.
"Cheater." She called out to him and for the split second that he was in front of her, she still couldn't fight Xander's words from her mind.
Why did it make you break?
More than willing to lose herself in exercise again, she pushed off from the wall herself and concentrated on catching up to him and drawing level with him.
Their shared shower afterwards had them washing the chlorine from each other's bodies and as their showers so often did, ended with them exploring each other, touching and caressing each other, pushing their bodies to the pinnacle together and finally coming together.
But this time, Adam held her even closer than usual, stared into her eyes even more intensely, kissed her even more deeply and cherished her even longer than he usually does.
All those acts weren't lost on Jaz. She too got caught up in his gaze and couldn't help but notice something different shining in his eyes.
It didn't make her feel uncomfortable, but it made her feel vulnerable and she wasn't quite sure why or how.
All she knew was that being with Adam was the best thing that had ever happened to her and the thought of being without him was unbearable.
Hannah had made a reservation at a Thai restaurant for that evening.
She went straight from work and the others met her there.
McG couldn't help but blurt out his usual, "Gross," as he watched Amir kiss her hello, and in return copped a wry look from Jaz and Dalton.
They enjoyed catching up with Hannah again and of course they did their best to tell her as many funny stories about Amir as possible.
"I thought that what happened on deployment, stayed on deployment?" Amir pleaded.
"Nope, sorry my friend. Not unless it's classified." Dalton smiled.
"Geez if we could spill the classified stuff, we'd be here all night." McG teased.
Amir scoffed, "Oh please, don't even get me started on your antics."
"We're talking about you here buddy, I don't need to impress anyone here tonight."
"No, but it would be nice if you did for a change." Jaz threw at McG.
"Ha ha, Jazzy."
After dinner and a few drinks, Amir went home with Hannah while the other three made their way back to the hotel.
Dalton and McG decided to have a drink in the hotel bar, but Jaz said she was tired and was heading straight to her room.
"You ok?" Dalton asked her quietly, while McG went to the bar.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Think it was all that swimming that's got me tired."
Knowing full well that Jaz's physical threshold was a lot higher than a couple of afternoon swims, Dalton just tilted his head questioningly at her.
"I promise I'm fine. I just need some sleep." She told him, knowing her reason had fallen flat on him.
"Ok, I'll check on you when I come up." He relented and once again, he wished like hell he could give her a kiss goodbye right there and then.
Once Jaz was up in her room, she sat on the couch and stared into space. She had come no closer to being able to answer the questions that Xander had posed to her the day before and she wasn't quite sure what to tell him the next morning.
Laying down on the couch, making herself comfortable, she asked the same question over and over till she wanted to scream.
Why did it make you break?
That's exactly where Dalton found her asleep nearly an hour later, her mental exhaustion allowing her some rest.
He picked her up and carried her over to the bed, tucked her in and ran his hand tenderly across her cheek, as always marvelling at her softness. She was so beautiful when she was asleep. She was always beautiful.
If only she knew how he felt about her.
If only he knew more about it himself
Dalton roused from his sleep in the early hours of the morning to hear murmurings. When he focused, he realised it was coming from Jaz's room through the open adjoining room.
On his feet quickly, he strode through the door and to her bedside, placing a hand on her shoulder and gently shaking her to wake her up.
"No, no, no…." Jaz was mumbling, and as he switched on the lamp at her bedside, Dalton could see tracks of tears down her cheeks.
A slightly sturdier shake on her shoulder managed to do the trick and all of a sudden Jaz opened her eyes with a gasp, before sitting bolt upright desperately trying to get a handle on her surroundings.
Seeing Adam sitting on the bed next to her, she reached her hand out to lay on his face, needing to make sure it was real; needing to make sure he was real. She hadn't had a nightmare for a couple of weeks now, but this one fit with where her mind had been the last day or so.
"Talk to me, tell me what you saw." She heard Adam say softly to her as he placed his own hand over hers, still resting on his cheek.
"It was – it was the picture of you with the gun shot would to the head. You were dead. You were dead." She whispered.
The tug at his heart, knowing that Jaz was still seeing that image in her head had him leaning forward and placing both his hands on her face. Looking into her eyes he spoke in a low voice to her, "I'm right here, Jaz. It wasn't real. It wasn't real."
Looking deep into his eyes, she couldn't help but be soothed by his words and his actions. He pulled her against his chest and held her close, tenderly kissing the top of her head, wishing he could take all of this away from her; wishing he could take all her pain away from her.
After a few minutes, he got into bed with her and held her close, her head on his chest and his arms wrapped around her. This was the way they slept best, and even though they had been trying to sleep apart for the last couple of nights, for the rest of this evening they both needed some rest.
Jaz needed to banish the picture of him dead from her mind.
Dalton needed to be assured that she would get some sleep.
They eventually both fell asleep, comforted in the only way that worked for them both; by being together.
Waking the next morning Jaz felt warm, rested and safe. It was the way she always felt when she woke next to Adam. She had missed sharing her bed all through the night with him the last couple of nights, but knew that it was for the greater good.
Still, seeing that Adam was still asleep, she propped her chin up on his chest and just watched him sleep. It gave her peace watching him sleep and the feeling of contentment that washed over her was something that she couldn't place. Regardless of her nightmare last night, she was also the happiest she had ever been.
It didn't make sense. And it was unfamiliar.
That picture of him in Tehran is something she would never forget, even if she eventually got past the nightmares. That picture was ingrained somewhere deep inside of her and she would never be able to discount the feelings she had felt when she first saw the photo.
Looking at him now, his face soft in sleep and clearly very alive, she kissed his chest softly and ran her hand over his smooth, but hard chest. The need to touch him was always at its greatest when she was reminded of that photo.
Why did it make you break?
Frowning at that damn question again, she lay her head back down on his chest. She lay her hand over his heart and listened to its strong and steady heartbeat, letting the soothing sound alleviate the questions in her mind.
For now.
Like I said earlier, I split a very long chapter and I'm hoping to have the second half of it posted before next weekend. There's just one part of it I can't get quite right. I'm finding it more difficult with some of these emotional chapters.
I'd like to get back to posting weekly instead of fortnightly, and I'll work hard to try and do that, but you know, that thing called life and adulting keeps interfering with the fun times - so annoying ;)
Thank you for reading and as always, a special mention to those who comment. You all make my day! Much love XXX