FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK!
"K-k-kyubey-chan!" I stuttered as Kyubey jumped up on my shoulder.
Suddenly my nose was bleeding and I had a vein popping up on my forehead.
"Youtashi should see a doctor about that, Melanie-chan," Kyubey uttered with concernation.
"That's not the kind of doctor I need right now," I said internally, like a voiceover, so Kyubey couldn't hear me. Wow, what a cutie!
I couldn't believe that Kyubey was actually touching my shoulder by sitting upon it! It was at that moment that I realized my kokoro was going dokidoki for her, you know? The background turned into a field of animated lovehearts against a pink background, which my counsellor says means I'm hallucinating again and I should book an appointment with her.
BUT HOW COULD THAT BE?
I had never been attracted to a woman until now. Before this time, I had been attracted to the mens. Like Shrek, that cuckolding jerk, had stolen my heart with his masculine panache. And there had also been that elf fellow… what was his name again? I think I ought to remember who he was because it seems important somehow, but my memory is hazy because I'm kinda a ditz, lol. Even though he was totally a pretty boy, he was still a boy. But I don't want to talk about that. Why am I talking about that? KYUBEY owned my kokoro of kokoros now, and she was a…well, a she?
Was it possible that I could maybe be a …. Bishoujo?
As we entered the homeroom everyone was making a ruckus. Some of the students were taunting one of the nerds who was trapped in a cage. One of the kids was swinging from a ceiling fan. A gaggle of girls was watching vocaliods on their iPhone.
"Ah, I love the smell of homeroom in the morning," I vocalized speakingly.
Kyubey jumped off of my shoulder and plopped onto the desk.
"Want to sit beside me?" Kyubey asked me, her eyes a-flutter as she flashed me one of her :3 smiles.
"S-sure!" I stuttered. My face was flush with red lines and comically large sweat drops, and I was amazed Kyu-bae wasn't picking up on those.
Just then, the door slammed open with a wisp of smoke. I saw that it had been kicked down by someone, but the smoke wreathed itself around the figure. Then the mist dissipated (probably the ceiling fan) and I saw the figure was…
Sakura Tsubasa-Pines!
She was smoking a lollipop and surrounded by forest sprites, who were chanting her name like cheerleaders or something. I understood that these were her summons: Y'see Sakura was the second-best Monsters Duel duellist in the province.
The best?
That would be one Melanie T'Starlight von Goldensdawn.
Friffing me.
Sakura strutted up to me and it looked to me like she had just had a pedicure or done the frick-frack with someone, you know? She had that glow about her tehe. But then she blew lollipop smoke in my face and jeered snidely.
"Well, look whotashi decided to show up today!" she spake.
"What do you mean, loser?" I retorted.
Tsubasa-chan heaved an evil sigh of evil smugness. "Oh, nothing. I just noticed that you barely even show up to school these days. What's the matter, Melanie-chan? Too busy dry humping your half- elf boyfriendo?
"Ugh, Falxian is not my boyfriend!" I adamantly assured.
"Oh yah? Not according to the rumour mill's findings!" she divulged. Then she turned her gaze towards Kyubey, who was sitting beside me. "Or have you perchance decided to play for the other team now? Ehehe."
She must have noticed my eyes which were literally throbbing eyehearts (that's what happens sometimes when I forget to take my drops) but I coolly shot down her accusations.
"Are you talking about monsters duel?" I asked. It was true I hadn't played for a while, but that was because I was naturally good at it and didn't need to practice, because training montages are boring and embarrassing for all.
"Yeah." T'subasa flicked lollipop ash on the floor. "We were going to have a rematch, remember?"
"Why don't you back the friff off." Kyubey suggested coolly. "Melanie is a better duellist than you will ever be, and she has more riches than you ever will."
"Hah! I find that unbelievable!" Sakura flashed her gold grills, blinding the classroom.
"Not riches of the heart," Kyubey explained shoujoly. "Riches of the soul. Riches of friendship. Those are riches not even that Kaiba fellow you're copulating with can compare to!"
Sakura seemed momentarily dishevelled to hear that the cat was out of the bag (like, about her and Kaiba-kun, but it was pretty obvious, like, come on), but then she retained her cool demeanour.
"Get out of here with that sailor moon shit you deviant," Sakura swore. "Melanie, you and I will get that friffing rematch. Count on it."
And then she and her sprites walked away to another desk. I was sad because I could feel the animosity of the situation. But then I felt less sad because Kyubey was rubbing her face against mine until my face was red and lined and I had more sweat bubbles and troubles and toil and troubles with the dehydration. But actually because she was touching me again! Omfg! I could have died. But I didn't. Because I'm still alive to recount this tale and this isn't Pulp Fiction or some nerd shit like that. This is Affliction & Avarice (TM), and we pull only the honest story beats in this here establishment!
"Melanie-chan, don't listen to that loser," Kyubey advised sweetly. "By the way, wetashi should hang out sometime to drink some bubble tea! And play dance dance katamari at the arcade in Domino City Mall!" Then she did that cute anime giggle thing.
"Y-yesweabsolutelyshould," I gasped disbelieving. "How about today, after afterschool club?"
I couldn't believe it. Was this real? Was I hallucinating? Or was senpai asking me out on a D-A-T-E? No sooner had this ship being constructed than it was starting to sail out from the dock!
But like all ships, it can be sunk... by icebergs of happenstance...
"Oh, I can't today," Kyubey said apologetically. "I have to hang out with my gal-pal Madoka Kaname. For, um, secret reasons that I cannot divulge to a mere mortal like you! Hehe :3"
Oh my friffing god?
My eyes turned to spirals and began to twitch.
Kyubey was hanging out with that skank Madoka? Everyone knows she's a lesbian because of the pink hair and kind demeanour (AN: NOT that I have anything against lesbians! I was happier than anyone else when President Obama made #LoveWins happen a few months back ago! Way happier than my dad who just grunted and lit his pipe like an oldtimer but he says he's voting for Trump anyway so who cares what he thinks)! The thought of Kyubey and Madoka caressing each other over sweet nothings was too much to bear, so I rushed out of the classroom and bellowed "I need to goooo!" to hide the tears! I could hear everyone laughing but I care not for those plebeians. I just hope senpai was not among the titterers.
It was only when I was alone later, sobbing on the toilet over the green-eyed monster (see I DO read Shakespeare and I have an education! I played Desdemona in Henry V for school theatre!) that I felt something in my pocket (eww not like that! lol) and noticed that there was a tiny package there, about the size of a standard Monsters Duel card. Intrigued, I slowly undid the little ribbon and the wrapping and saw a card underneath a sticky note.
The note said:
"Dear Melanie-chan,
I am sorry you felt sick or whatever and had to leave class early or whatever that was all about. Sakura and a few others laughed at your misfortunation, but I shot her a mean look because I have your back and I would never abide snide giggles at your expense! I really want us to be good friends (pals, even!) despite the earlier misgivings, so I gave you this gift to tide over the uncool vibes! Don't ask how I actually slipped this to you; better not to ask too many questions when you read something like this, you know?
Anyway, I think you'll find this gift useful. I look forward to our friend date sometime soon as well!
Smooches!
Your gal-pal,
Kyube xocoxoccocoxoxo"
With a vacant smile, I peeled back the note and placed it in my pocketses so I could frame it later.
Now it was time to look at the card. I saw that it was an ultra-rare trap card, which I had been looking for for some time to embellish my Monsters Duel deck! For some reason, even having this card in my possession gave me a really warm feeling of resonance and sunshine. Beautiful, goffick sunshine. For some reason, having this card in my possession made me feel a peace that I had not felt since before I could even remember! Since the olden days, before the times of woe and worry! And it was all thanks to my crush, Kyubey!
The trap card's name?
Cure to the Affliction.