Hope you enjoy! I'm thinking about changing up one of the major plot lines in the series so it will occur earlier in my story. I hope that's okay with everyone. I just want certain characters to be around to use. Thanks for your continued reading!

Chapter 35

It had been one month since the gambling incident with Murphy. Amanda had recovered from the incident but was still having nightmares about the ordeal. She was currently sitting in Olivia's living room with a cup of tea trying to calm herself after a the latest one. She had tried to hide the nightmares from the older woman but Liv being the great detective she was, figured it out within the first few days. The blonde didn't want to burden the older woman stating when Olivia had questioned her about them that it was her fault she was having them anyway. Amanda let her mind wonder to the conversation that she and the brunette had after a pretty bad one that the younger woman had tried to hide.

"Amanda, you okay?" Liv asked coming into the living room wrapping her robe around her. "Hey, why are crying?" she asked now standing in front of the younger woman on the couch.

"Nothin', I'm fine, just couldn't sleep," Amanda said quietly, trying to subtly get rid of the tears. She didn't look at the older woman just kept staring at her lap.

"Honey, why didn't you say something about the nightmares?" Liv questioned already knowing the reason Amanda was up and was upset. The walls in her apartment were not the best with keeping down sounds.

"I'm not, I just can't sleep," she said still not making eye contact with the woman that was now sitting on the sofa in front of her. She jumped when a hand made contact with her shoulder. She looked up and relaxed when she realized that it was only Liv. The older woman gently rubbed her arm and gave her a comforting look.

"You don't have to hide anything from me," Olivia started gently. "I know I still have a lot to prove to you but you don't need to keep this from me," she continued as she gently wiped away a stray tear that made its way down Amanda's cheek. There was a moment of silence before the blonde began to speak.

"I can't .. I can't sleep without seeing his face," she began with a shaky voice. Olivia grasped onto her hand and squeezed. Amanda grasped the hand back gratefully. "He keeps taunting me saying 'You deserved this', and he's right I did," she whispered quietly, more tears spilling from her eyes. "I should have stopped, done something, told someone, it's my fault, it's my fault"

Amanda sobbed hard pulling away from Olivia in the process.

Olivia was suddenly aware just how much Amanda blamed herself for what had happened and she knew how she handled this would impact their relationship; whether good or bad was up to her.

"Oh, honey, come here," Olivia said scooting closer to her daughter and putting an arm around her. The young woman turned into the embrace just needing the comfort the older woman would provide. "Shhh, I've got you, sweetie. You're okay" Olivia whispered as she held her daughter tightly. She rocked them back and forth for a while trying to calm the younger woman. After a good ten minutes of crying hard against the brunette Amanda started to calm down. Olivia kept holding her trying to think of exactly what to say.

"Sweetie, I know that you think is your fault because of the gambling, but honey Murphy made the choice to do this to you. The only person at fault is him and the man who helped him," Liv said gently. She pressed a small kiss to the blonde forehead. "I know this is very hard, honey, but you need to believe me when I say this wasn't your fault," she said as Amanda sat up and looked at her. She gently wiped away the tears that were still falling down the younger woman's face. "I'll tell you that as often as you need, ok?" she asked quietly. "You going to be okay to go back to sleep?" Olivia asked as Amanda nodded and let out a yawn.

Amanda wasn't sure what she was thinking but she knew she could trust Olivia and that she would be safe with the older woman so she asked the question. "Could you um … could you stay with me?" Amanda asked in a whisper her cheeks burning with embarrassment.

Liv gave her a soft smile "Of course sweetie, let's get you back in bed," she said as she helped Amanda back to her bedroom.

Once Amanda was under the covers in the bed, Olivia gently began stroking her hair making the younger fall asleep almost instantly.

"Sweetie, you ok?" Amanda was brought out of her flashback by the sound of Liv's voice. "Did you have another nightmare," Liv asked coming in to the living room and sitting down beside her.

"Yea, same old, same old," the blonde answered as she set the cup of tea down on the end table. "Sorry I woke you," she continued softly. Even though she had gotten much more comfortable around Olivia over the past month she still felt like she needed to apologize.

The brunette just nodded knowing that this was something that the blonde was going to do regardless of how many times she had told her it was okay.

"How did your meeting go yesterday," Liv asked carefully. She knew Amanda was still very guarded about her gambling and she didn't want to push her.

"It went ok, I mainly just listened again, but it was good to know I'm not the only one struggling with this," she said quietly.

Since her meeting with the Captain, Amanda had been going to meetings almost daily. Cragen had driven her to the first couple meetings, insisting that she shouldn't go on her own while she was on pain killers. It was weird to have her Captain know about this stuff but it was also comforting that she didn't have to go at it alone anymore. He actually understood where she was coming from.

"If you want to talk about anything I'm here, anytime," Liv said gently rubbing the younger woman's arm.

"Thanks, and thanks for letting me stay with you tonight," Amanda said, grateful that she didn't have to be alone. She had been staying with Liv off and on ever since the incident.

Liv felt Amanda move closer to her and she wrapped her arm around her bringing her closer. The younger woman laid her head down on the brunette's shoulder and let her eyes close feeling very safe. Olivia pressed a gentle kiss on the blonde head, smiling that her daughter was seeking comfort from her more and more. She was so glad that Amanda had come into her life. The younger woman was something that Olivia had no idea she ever needed but now that she was in her life she couldn't imagine life without her. Liv smiled looking down at Amanda now sleeping peacefully on her shoulder. She ran a hand through blonde hair feeling so much love for the younger woman. She hoped that the bond that they were forming would continue and become even stronger.