New and INSANE shinobi By Electra Chapter 35, a naruto fanfic

Yay, new chapter. It's short because I ran out of things to talk about. And um, yeah, finally some matchmaking, do not attempt without kunoichi supervision, your results may vary. Oh yeah. I just lost the game

Disclaimer: No, I don't own it. For is not Kishimoto.

Chapter 35

Knights in Shining Armor, Princesses in Towers and Fairytale Endings…AS IF!!!!!!!

In reviewing my day (looking for blackmail . . . ), I realized something.

When I was snooping around in Uchiha's weapon pouch . . .

Holy crab.

THE UCHIHA HAD AN (unusually large and actually very nice looking) ENGAGEMENT RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell did Sa-Uchiha have an engagement ring for?! I'm kinda afraid to ask, but not knowing things just doesn't sit right with me.

That aside, I wondered, which (un) lucky girl would receive it?

Kira Misha (no, just no),

Karin (even Uchiha has more sense than THAT, right?),

Sakura (hmmm . . . )

or me (I highly doubt it).

Or Asuka, but I'm pretty sure that's not what going to happen. I mean, that would be just plain creepy. I'm talking Orochimaru creepy.

I hate fairytales.

I used to love them, Disney Princesses and Wicked Witches. I remember sitting with my (adoptive) cousins and telling each other what our lives would be like if we were in a fairytale (I remember I had a flying pink limo).

My (evil, pain-in-the-butt) sister would say 'and I have a yellow castle, and I have a yellow castle, and I have a yellow castle, and I hav- HEY!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! And I have a yellow castle and I have a yellow castle . . . ' and she would just drone ON AND ON!!! Anyone one else would have yellowcastlephobia. And embarrassing as it is (thank Kami-sama I have no dignity!), I wanted a Rapunzel tower, a soft, pink one with ivy vines wrapping around it and yellow flowers blossoming. My room would be on the top, right underneath the wide, slate covered, cone-shaped roof. The highest room in the tallest tower; just like Princess Fiona.

But there comes a time when you stop and realize; fairytales are stupid. Why can't the girls fight back? Why do all the men do all the fighting? Doesn't anyone in this story have a backbone? All these princesses have going for them (kind of, not really) looks and status. The twisted fairytales are the ones that I like.

Shrek for instance, the hero isn't a knight in shining armor. He's a green, violent ogre. The princess isn't some sissy who needs rescuing. She's a chick that can kick the hero's butt if she wanted to. The noble steed isn't a white horse with reins. It's an (smelly, apparently) awesome donkey. And the side-kick is none other than a pussy cat who cares about shoes more than Ino (well maybe not INO, but me for sure). Now THAT'S a good story. Not the ones I used to like when I was little and innocent (enough). So remember that, I hate fairytales.

We were sitting by the campfire (Kira Misha's team, not Uchiha's, his was a little ways off) getting ready for sleep. I absent-mindedly tossed a few sticks into the fire. Asuka looked at me, I nodded.

"Mish, can you pass the marshmallows?" I asked, calling from the opposite side of the fire. The young Hatake shook her head dejectedly, removing her buns from her silvery hair (who wants to sleep with four buns in your hair?) and tossed one of her brother's Icha Icha Paradise books into the fire in a single, fluid motion.

"Sorry, Suigetsu still has them."

"1, 2, 3 NOT IT!!!" A chorus of voices arose, leaving a satisfied grin plastered on my face and a rather confused Sakura.

"Go get the marshmallows from teme's campsite!" I chirped, tossing out Naruto's nickname for the raven-haired teen. The now-annoyed Haruno stalked off, complaining about 'childish shinobi' and 'immaturity'. So EXCUSE ME for not wanting to end up like a . . .

LIKE A NEJI!!!

Because if all ninja were like Neji, when people were killed there wouldn't be anyone there to enjoy it. Now do you REALLY want to live in a world where people are killed by shinobi and there is nobody there to enjoy it? Now that would be a sucky world to live in. We would all be screwed. Get it? Neji? Screw? I know, I have sucky puns.

And adding on to the previous rant, the world would also be deprived of my awesomeness.

A voice came out of nowhere, Asuka jumped, some ninja she is . . .

"Credit card. Give. Now." Uchiha, right on cue.

And it's déjà vu.

"Apologize for ruining my fun, being a bastard and I just might think about giving it back to you!" I held the credit card enticingly.

"No."

"Well you know . . . I could always spend it on sugar . . . Make the famous Uchiha go into debt . . . " I stood up and took a few cautious steps backwards.

"Sugar is bad for you and you'll gain weight."

"I'm a shinobi, I'd burn all the fat in morning training sessions."

"No."

"And I bet I could also convince Karin to rape-"

"I'm sorry." I motioned for Kira Misha to start videotaping.

"For what?" I pressed, acting like the mother I'm not.

"I'm sorry for ruining your fun."

"And???" I was enjoying this. Very much.

"Hn."

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that . . . "

Undecipherable mumbling.

"I'm sure Kari-"

"I'm sorry for ruining your fun and being a jerk."

"A bastard." I corrected. Naruto would be proud.

Uchiha clenched his fists and growled through gritting teeth. His Sharingan was activated.

"I'm sorry for being a bastard."

"No, not a bastard," I was trying really hard not to laugh. "Say you're sorry for being . . . " Oh geez, this is rich.

"For being a meanie head."

I heard Mish and Asuka laugh.

"You're kidding me."

"Nope, say it. Or you don't get your credit card."

"Even you have more class than that," Uchiha was biting his lip. I shook my head and crossed my arms.

"I'm sorry, what is this 'class' of which you speak?" I questioned, putting air quotes around 'class'.

"I'm . . . "

"Yes???"

"Sorry . . . for . . . being . . . a . . . oh fuck this!" He lunged at me.

"Olay!" I shouted, pretending the credit card was a little red rag.

"GIVE IT BACK!!!"

"Shhhh . . . Ryu's sleeping!" I hush him, stroking Ryu's feathers.

"Hn."

"Say it!"

"I'm sorry for being . . . a . . . me-an-ie . . . head."

I have degraded The Not-So-Great Uchiha He-who-shall-not-be-named into a begging, pathetic little dog. I'm so proud. Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

I nodded, satisfied. Sudden inspiration struck me.

"Now dance." I commanded. Asuka looked at me.

"I think his ego's been bruised enough." Asuka said. I ignored her.

"Dance! DANCE YOU FOOL!!!"

"Electra!" My so-called-best-friend said in her scolding voice.

"Fine . . . " My eyes wandered over to the bonfire "Set yourself on fire."

"ELECTRA!!!" I rolled my eyes at the girl beside me and sighed. If Asuka didn't like her best friend picking on her big brother, I'm sure she wouldn't like her big brother attempting to tackle her best friend to get his credit card back (again). So I was safe. For now.

"Lucky day, Uchiha, you get your credit card back," I said. With a flick of the wrist, his card was flying through the air like a shuriken. He caught it with his index and middle finger.

"Stop calling me 'Uchiha'. I have a name." I stuck out my tongue and raised my pinky finger the way fancy, old, British people do. Kira Misha gave an over-exaggerated gasp and placed her hand over her heart. The camcorder was still in the palm of her other hand.

"Electra! Don't you know that in Japan, that's how you flip people off!?!?!?" She drawled mockingly. This is fun. This is very fun.

"Why Mish! I didn't know that AT ALL!!!" I said with teasing innocence. I suddenly smirked. "Aw, who am I kidding!? OF COURSE I KNOW!!! Asuka taught me!" I proceeded to flip Uchiha off in Chinese, Italian, American etc.

Uchiha's eye twitched.

"I'll buy you a pound of candy."

"Three." I bargained.

"Two."

"Five!" He gave me an incredulous look.

"Four, take it or leave it."

"Sugary, no chocolate. Nothing nasty either, like those Good & Plenty stuff. Yuck!" I pretended to gag. I tried the little pills of pure evil at one of Yoshie's birthday parties. We spent half the time trying to see who could stomach the disgusting things best. I won.

I spit on my hand and stuck it out. Asuka looked at me weird. Sasuke's eye twitched again. I wiggled my fingers.

"I haven't got all night, Uchiha." Apparently, he didn't like being called by his last name too much. Sasuke glared at me.

"Evil little girl . . . "

"That's what they call me!" I flashed my movie-star smile. He spit on his hand and we shook. He jumped as soon as our hands made contact. I held up my hand and smiled.

"Joy buzzer! Gotcha!" I posed with my infamous peace sign. Kira Misha grinned and called out.

"Hey! That's my joy buzzer! And it's covered in your spit!"

"I know!"

Uchiha was just leaving the campsite when Mish and Asuka gathered around my sleeping spot, making a protective little enclosure.

"So why Sakura and Sasuke of all the other people. That's the most unlikely couple to even happen! Even with your sure-to-ruin-their-lives matchmaking." Mish started. I shrugged.

"Remember when I said I hate fairytales?" The other two nodded slowly, and yes, they rarely know where I take things in a conversation.

"Sasuke with Tenten will throw the universe out of balance. Minor character with the bad boy, that just doesn't work."

"What makes nii-san a bad boy?" Asuka asked.

"He's a former traitor on probation," I answered simply.

"Anyways, Ino and Sasuke are so typically high school, and Sasuke can't STAND to be around her. Ino wouldn't really like him, he's just eye-candy to her." Mish nodded in agreement. I think I heard a small 'just like you' from the Jonin.

"Sasuke and Hinata . . . Hinata's too loyal in her affections towards Naruto, and I don't think they've ever exchanged more than two words in their entire lives. So forget them."

I sighed.

"Sasuke's not gay, because he's got to revive his clan, and he's not the type to go screw some random chick to have his babies, however much of a jerk he is. And I don't think he's willing to be involved in a long distance relationship." I ticked off all the reasons on my fingers.

"So that leaves Sakura. Unless all the girls in Konoha that are in our age range, are single, and isn't a fan girl are to be explained."

"Nah, stick to the shinobi, two ninjas always makes for a better romance story. Always." Asuka giggled, lying down on her stomach, her head propped up on her arms and her legs kicking back and forth. "Boy meets girl, girl gets in trouble, boy rescues girl."

I looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"That's so fairytale-y. It's disgusting. Try 'boy meets girl, girl loves boy, boy doesn't love girl, boy leaves, girl cries, boy comes back, girl doesn't love boy, boy loves girl, girl slaps boy'. That's more twisted. Twisted is good, you don't want a red candy straw, you want twizzlers!" I nodded sagely with crossed arms.

"Cherry or original?" Mish asked.

"Cherry, Sakura is a cherry blossom. And besides all that, their history with each other, and I'd really like to see Sasuke get slapped." I smiled. "What I like about their relationship is that it's so unlike anyone else's. To be in love with a traitor, then when he comes back you have to smother your emotions. It's very interesting."

" . . . "

" . . . What?" I asked, tugging oh blades of grass out of being almost uncomfortable.

"You've been reading romance novels again, haven't you?" Asuka looked at me quizzically.

My eyes shifted away from her.

"No . . . Maaaaybe . . . " My head hung, "Yes . . . "

A rustle in the bushes.

Retreating footsteps.

Soft, approaching footfalls.

"Hey." Sakura tried to sound cheerful. She failed.

"You got the marshmallows?" I sat up straight, my tongue hanging out like a dog's.

"Yeah . . . " I transformed into said dog and grabbed the marshmallow bag from her hands.

"Geez, Suigetsu ate half the bag already!" Mish said, pouting.

Asuka reached for the bag and I barked, snapping my jaws at her unsuspecting hand.

"Crap! You bitch!" She said. Uchiha have bad/sucky puns too. I returned to my original state.

"You're a bitch for calling me a bitch, and your mom's a bitch for giving birth to a bitch and your dad's a bitch for screwing a bitch, so who's the bitch now, bitch?!" I retaliated.

"Bitches are dogs and dogs bark, bark is on trees and trees are a part of nature and nature is beautiful, so thank you for calling me beautiful!" Asuka shot back.

"If you're beautiful, you're more likely to get raped," I replied.

" . . . Ugh, I got nothin'." Woot, I dominated two Uchihas in less than ten minutes. Am I good or what?

"You guys are weird," Sakura crossed her arms and sat down, cross-legged.

"REALLY!?!? You just NOW NOTICE THAT!?!?!?" Mish said loudly. I poked her. She spazzed.

"I said it once, I'll say it again, you guys are weird."

The annoying rays of sunlight woke me up early the next morning. The smoldering fire was nothing but a pile of gray ash and a swirling trail of rising smoke. I heard crumbling pebbles and a small rock rolled in front of my face.

I sat up and stretched my arms and adjusted my ponytail. It was Sasuke and Sakura. He smirked.

"Care to join us?" Their hands were interlocked.

I know, I rock. And not only that, but I'm also modest.

"No way!!! You and Sakura!?! I never would have guessed, not in a million years that this would happen!!!" Asuka said with a mouthful of noodles. She had rummaged around in Sasuke's bag and found a whole stash of ramen noodles that Naruto shoved into Sasuke's bag.

"What's up!?" Suigetsu asked happily, joining our campsite.

"Sasuke and Sakura are an item now." Mish said nonchalantly, peeling her orange.

"You're kidding!" he exclaimed hitting Sasuke on the back, said raven-haired dude gave him his trademark glare. "Good job buddy! You got yourself a hot one!"

Sakura blushed and leaned more into her boyfriend, spooning some of Asuka's soup into her mouth.

"Just imagine how Naruto and the fan girls are going to FREAK!!" I laughed, rocking backwards.

"Who cares?! How did it happen, tell us everything!" Asuka's words inspired everyone to learn closer around the circle. In was silent besides the chirping of the bird on Jugo's shoulder.

"What happened?!" I sighed. Just when we were about to find out all the juicy secrets of their meeting (I betcha they're not virgins anymore, 'cause I'm perverted like that. And before Mish asks, I have in fact, been hanging out with perverts a lot lately. Because my life sucks like that) . . . stupid Karin. My gossip tank is running on empty too. My life is fucked up.

Everyone was quiet, I glared at the uninvited red-head and flashed my middle finger at her.

"Not a morning person?" Karin cooed. Ew, I have been scarred for life.

"At least I didn't forget to comb the other half of my hair," I sneered.

"Oooooh . . . " Suigetsu was just as immature as any other boy, which I appreciate, because Sasuke's a stick in the mud and Jugo's . . . well, Jugo.

"Bitch."

"Tsk, tsk, you shouldn't talk to yourself like that Karin, I hear it's bad for you."

"I WAS TALKING TO YOU!!!"

"It's okay, when we get back to Konoha, we'll get you to see Yoshie, she's a part-time psychologist. Kami-sama knows why you people want to stay sane. But I pity that girl, she did nothing to deserve meeting YOU," I stuck out my tongue.

The irritated girl stalked off into the woods. We heard a slipping of rocks, dust and a body, a scream and then scattering birds.

Asuka looked at me.

"Electra, what did you do?" I rolled my eyes.

"Y'know, not ALL the things bad that happen are of MY doing."

Silence.

Laughter.

"Puh-lease! Be reasonable Electra, of course it's all your fault!" Kira Misha chuckled.

"Sorry, reasonability is for old and sane people."

"And I hang out with you guys . . . why?" Sasuke raised a brow.

"'Cause we're one of the only girls in Konoha, or the five shinobi nations for that matter, who won't stomach squeal every time they see you?" Sakura suggested. He pulled her closer into his lap. His legs were crossed and hers were together, her knees to one side and her feet to the other.

"Cute." I deadpanned, throwing a muffin at them. "Fuck, I missed."

They were barely three meters away from me, how could I miss?

Answer: Because unless it is an object that is illegal in non-shinobi areas, my aim with throwable objects is horrible. I can throw a bulls-eye with a medium-sized shuriken from 50 meters away, but I can't throw a Frisbee within a 10-meter radius of my target when I am 20 meters away.

Yes, I am now sure that my hands were made for killing.

We never did find out what happened at their midnight meeting. Or whether or not they were still virgins. Or where Sasuke's engagement ring came-

Oh my freakin' god.

Sasuke's gonna propose to Sakura.

Please stand by while the author spazzes like Kira Misha after a game of Poke-war.

Ehem, thanks for waiting. I just realized how slow I really can be.

So, I spent my spazzing time thinking about what Sasuke's plan is going to be. This is what I have so far.

One year of casual dating.

One year of sucking up to her family (I've met her dad, he's a real tough cookie. Not even Naruto or I have been able to get his approval, even with our mad people skills).

One year of sucking up to her friends (Because even Ino still hasn't forgiven him for hurting her best friend the way he did. He didn't apologize for hurting her! That's just WRONG!!!)

And about 3, maybe 4 months of sitting with Naruto and the other guys wondering how he's going to propose to Sakura.

Finally, about 9 months of wedding planning. Or it's possible, a year or so. Hey, it's SAKURA and INO who will probably be planning. And then getting Tsunade to postpone some missions for the wedding and all that jazz, it's complicated. Therefore, I will probably avoid Sasuke, Sakura and Ino during the planning period. Doing otherwise is a death wish.

And I mean that literally.

Well maybe not literally, but pretty close.

So I was walking, minding my own business when the person I wanted to see least decided to appear.

Karin.

"What do you want, bitch?" I growled, lowering my head and narrowing my eyes.

"Sasuke, I know you had something to do with Sasuke and the pink-haired slut."

"You're mistaken Karin, YOU'RE the only slut around here. Have you ever LOOKED in the mirror?" I looked up, knit my eyebrows together and put my finger to my chin. "Well I guess you haven't, I mean any sane person would scream their heads off after seeing YOU for the first time."

"You didn't scream."

"Okay, one, I'm not sane. Two, I was screaming on the inside," I said smartly.

I have pwned three people in a single chapter, man, I am good.

Karin threw a sorry excuse for a shuriken at me. Seriously, cardboard? Yeesh, and people call ME the stupid one.

I returned fire with a REAL shuriken, which cut through Karin's and embedded itself in the tree centimeters away from the red-head.

"What happened to my shuriken??"

"Well it had NOTHING to do with me." My sensei (Woot, go Mish, replacing her shuriken with cardboard? Genius.) appeared.

Sigh. I love my teammates. And NOT in that way.

The once again uninvited sorry-excuse for a kunoichi left, fuming. I high-fived Mish.

"Was it just me, or was her throwing skills worse than a blind snake's?" The silver-haired girl asked.

"No, blind snakes can't throw stuff. First, they're blind, so they can't see a weapon. Two, they're snakes, so they can't even pick up the shuri-" I was suddenly interrupted.

"Just say it wasn't me."

"It wasn't me."

"No, not literally."

"Electra, stop it."

"Don't make me give you an exercise that would exhaust even Bushy-brows."

"Don't make me give you an ex- oh . . . " I puckered my lips and turned away.

"Oh yeah, Electra?"

"What?" Oh, I knew where this was going.

"I just lost the game." We said in unison.

". . . "

"Jinx."

"Hey Sasuke! Sakura! How's it going!?"

"Oh it was going fine . . . and then you showed up." I hit Sasuke upside the head.

"What the hell was that for?! I didn't say that!" he almost shouted. I shrugged.

"I like Sakura, she's cool. But you're not exactly my favorite person. Nor are you my least favorite." I shrugged again "Well, either way, it's funnier watching a guy get hit than a girl."

"I hate you."

"You're my friend too, Sasu-chan!" I grinned. "So, tell me now, how did it happen?"

"What?"

"You two! What made you guys realize how much "you love each other" and "your undying love" and all that crap?"

"Umm . . . Well, we were walking . . . and then we talked . . . and we, yeah, and yeah," Sakura bit her bottom lip.

"I is no understand the complex language of thou mortals."

"What does that make you? Immortal?" Sasuke asked. Wow, an actual sentence.

"Yes."

" . . . "

"So what now?"

"I dunno."

" . . . "

"Awkward silence! A gay baby was born!" I shouted. The couple looked at me.

"Sorry, force of habit."

I ran out of ideas. Sorry.

Reviews? Anyone? Please?