The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing
Chapter 36
Okay, here it is. Late again. No excuses.
WARNING: CONTAINS VIOLENCE OF A PARTICULARLY UPSETTING NATURE INVOLVING CHILDREN. IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS, DON'T READ.
Disclaimer: The usual
*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*
Screaming
In the half light of dawn, he jogged through the morning mist to catch his transport to Molokai.
Esquivel, for now, wanted to see him twice a week. At his own insistence - to keep from commuting in the enclosed space of an aircraft - he'd made arrangements to catch a ride on a 'pineapple'/fishing boat every Monday and Thursday from Lanai to Molokai then take the ferry to Oahu. Next morning he'd return to Kip's place via the same route.
The arrangement actually worked out for both parties. Steve provided whatever labor he could in hauling up nets and sorting the catch. Any other 'cargo', was safely stashed below deck before Steve even arrived. The tall man of course knew he was on a vessel that may occasionally transport minor quantities of locally grown 'herbs' but, at the moment, he wasn't in position to do anything about it.
Kamekona's cousin Ha'upu was doing him a favor. There were trades in life, some important, some not, and right now there were other things on his mind. When he finally reached Oahu, Danny would be waiting at the ferry dock. His friend would inevitably rag on him about making the Camaro smell like bait as they drove home so he could shower and change but it was only for show. He knew Danny was just happy to have him back (and have someone to bitch at).
The mornings were good. The afternoons and the sessions that turned him inside-out . . . not so much.
….
Heidegger had long since stopped moving, stopped groaning, stopped breathing.
Orders were barked and he heard the scrape of a body being dragged across the gravelly floor. He didn't dare to open his eyes but he could feel the void beside him. Even though the man had probably died hours ago, strangely, he still felt a sort of abandonment.
Physically he felt nothing; just detached as though he was observing someone else lying beat to a bloody pulp on a damp stone floor. During the last of those beatings he'd felt things snap and break in his body but it really didn't matter because now he didn't feel anything at all - it would soon be over.
He chanced to open his eyes to narrow slits and saw figures being herded into the cave. The light from the entrance blasted into the darkness and bounced off them in stark contrast to deep shadow as though he was watching some sort of film noire with its sharp-black and crisp-white edges; no grays.
It was another group of women and children. He closed his eyes again. His thoughts drifted to Cath; her dark glossy hair and chocolate eyes. He'd never gotten the chance to tell her how he felt. He'd hoped she felt the same but, now, maybe it was better if she hadn't. She could move on more quickly if she'd never let herself feel about him as he did about her. Now, it was too late, but still, though he knew it was selfish, he hoped she'd loved him just a little.
Light coming through his lids blinked and he heard a rustling. A woman's voice asked, "American?"
He didn't respond. He didn't think it was a trick but they'd use whatever they could to justify another beating. Then he heard another female voice cautioning someone about speaking to the prisoner. "It's dangerous". "Don't be stupid', it said in Dari.
The voice directed at him just a moment ago answered in the same language, "All God's creatures deserve kindness." More voices in the background murmured, "Careful", "He's nearly dead anyway." and "You'll get caught."
He felt a soft, cool hand on his forehead and opened his eyes. He couldn't make out anything other than a dark outline against the light behind her. Realizing he was having trouble seeing her, she moved so her shadow was cast onto his face. When he focused, what he found staring down at him were eyes of startling beauty. Her irises seemed to contain every possible color swirling within them. Is she real?
"I'm sorry I have no water to give you. I'm sorry you are in pain." she said
He struggled to sit up and she put a hand behind his shoulder to help him. It was then he realized she had a child with her. It sat quietly on her hip and looked down at him with huge solemn eyes nearly the same color as its mother's.
With her help he managed to come upright and lean back against the rough surface of the wall behind him. Her face wavered in and out of his vision and he again got the feeling she may only be a hallucination; perhaps some heavenly creature come to evaluate him before he slipped completely into nothingness.
When he could focus again, he glanced toward the entrance. He knew there was always a guard sitting on the flat rock just outside the cave's opening. Usually he could smell the harsh tobacco smoke of the hand-rolled cigarettes his captors all seemed to enjoy.
He looked down and was surprised to see that his feet weren't even bound. They apparently thought he wasn't even enough of a threat now to even try to run so they didn't bother. They just waited for him to die like Heidegger then they'd come collect his body and drag it out of the cave.
Speaking in Dari he said, "Be careful." in a raspy whisper, "They won't like you talking to me."
He could feel the tenseness of the others in the dark space. He couldn't actually see how many there were but he could hear the restless unhappiness of children and the hushed voices of their mothers trying to comfort them.
"This is all I have to give you." she said softly.
He looked at the small piece of fruit drawn from her pocket and now held before him in her slender hand. It was a misshapen apple; small and withered.
"I can't take your food." he whispered.
"They will probably let us go soon. I can get more. It is the only thing I can do for you. I'm sorry I cannot make your pain go away. It is all I have to give you comfort."
Her eyes were so sad and sincere. Even though he felt no hunger, he reached toward it with his bound hands.
Perhaps it was frightened by the dirty, blood-stained hands reaching toward its mother but, to this day, only God knows why the child chose that moment to shriek in terror. Loud and piercing, the screech echoed off the walls of the cave.
The guard posted outside the entrance yelled into the cave, "Silence!" as they heard footsteps crunching toward them on the gravelly surface.
She withdrew her hand and whirled toward the approaching guard, blocking his view of the prisoner leaned against the cave wall.
The bearded man eyed her suspiciously; bringing his carbine up to point at her chest. "What are you doing!" he demanded
The woman didn't answer him but she didn't move from where she stood. The apple had been caught in the folds of her shawl when she'd dropped it. As the child squirmed, still screaming in fright, the tiny mottled sphere dropped to the ground, rolling and bouncing across the uneven floor to come to rest at his feet.
…..
"Steve! Steve!"
He heard someone calling him.
"Look at me!"
Breathing as though he'd completed a marathon, he blinked his eyes until the images before him faded and another took its place.
His skin felt damp and his ribs ached.
"You back?"
"Yeah," he answered, running a shaky hand through his sodden hair, "I'm here." He focused on the calm concerned face of the doctor, blinking as he shivered while sweat rolled down his neck to dampen his collar. He inhaled deeply before blowing out a shuddering breath and asked, "How'd I do?"
"Great, you did great." answered Esquivel. "This time you got all the way to the apple rolling across the ground before you froze. Even though I'd rather have you stay in the moment with me, this is valuable information for what comes next."
Steve nodded at him in acknowledgement, his breathing still a bit too much of an issue to hold a conversation.
"Let's take a break now okay?" said Esquivel in his calm reassuring voice.
Steve wiped a hand over his face and nodded. Over the past few sessions, he'd only been able to go this far and no farther. The doctor always pulled him back as he'd trusted him to do so.
"Can we end this session now?" Steve asked, feeling the nausea begin to overtake him again as his heart refused to slow its frantic rhythm.
Esquivel briefly evaluated the man in front of him before revealing a gap-toothed smile and answering, "Yes, of course. You done good compadre."
The tall man looked unconvinced; still working at slowing his respiration.
"Would you like some water?"
"Got any beer?" asked his patient with a small smile.
"I wish." said Esquivel, smiling broadly in all his Alfred E. Neuman, jug-eared glory. "In a couple weeks maybe we can wean you off the anti-anxiety drugs and you can indulge in some of that. Maybe I'll even join you."
They sat in calming silence for a few moments with only the faint bubbling sound in the background before the doctor asked, "Have you spoken with Cath yet?"
Steve looked down before sighing and reluctantly answering, "Not yet. I asked Danny to call her to let her know I was okay and would be contacting her soon."
"Patient woman." said Esquivel, an amused expression displayed on his freckled face.
"Yeah, we've, you know, had a thing for almost seven years now."
"Very patient woman."
Steve smiled guiltily, "She's incredible really. Danny's getting on my case about it. Wants me to make some sort of official declaration that will define the relationship even though I think Cath and I are fine with what we have."
"You going to?"
"Dunno."
"That sounds like something to be handled in couples counseling." said Esquivel once again displaying his Mad Magazine persona, "I can recommend someone if you like."
The startled expression on the tall man's face was amusing.
…..
The governor was not amused.
Steve had finally called him to set-up an appointment for a meeting. He had no idea how the man was going to take the news the head of his special task force had pretty much been 'out to lunch' for the past month.
As he'd done at least once before regarding interaction with Denning, Danny cautioned his friend about being 'too honest' with the man. Steve only responded with a withering look. He had no intention of mentioning anything like, you know . . . trying to kill himself.
The man was way too sharp to try to stall any longer. The phone call had been strained; his boss sarcastically inquiring, "Commander, are you now back on Oahu? How good of you to return my calls . . . all twenty-two of them."
"Yes sir. I'd like to . . . "
"Be in my office at nine A.M. tomorrow. Bring Detective Williams with you." With that, the man disconnected the call, not giving Steve the chance to apologize.
Rolling his eyes and blowing out a breath, the tall man walked to the living room to inform Danny of their ominous appointment. He found his friend watching what, to Steve, was just some random baseball game. The detective occasionally interrupted the announcer to rail at the television screen. If he wasn't so apprehensive, the SEAL would have had a good time making comments as well – and not necessarily about the game.
…
The new meds only took the edge off the anxiety and allowed him to function without the drug haze he so hated. The nightmares were still a problem as only the Prazocin seemed to work. Steve just didn't bother to eat for pretty much the entire following day after he took it which continued to exacerbate the weight issue. So far, he'd only managed to gain back about half of what was needed. The flashbacks still plagued him too but they'd lessened and he'd gotten better at avoiding things that triggered them.
He still hadn't let Danny bring Grace for a visit even though his friend assured him he trusted the SEAL with the most precious thing in his world. It was still very much a sore point for Steve.
Dressed in his new cargoes, a long-sleeved shirt over his usual tee, he strode into the wood-paneled office with Danny beside him. Denning was ensconced behind his big, official, 'governor desk' the diminutive detective had always found so pretentious and waived for them to take seats before it.
The dark expressionless face registered neither welcome nor any other expected emotion.
"Commander, Detective." he greeted, eyes evaluating the two men before him. They nodded, both replying, "Governor", before taking their seats before him. As was his wont, Steve sat on the edge of the heavy mahogany chair and leaned slightly forward.
"So, glad to see you've been able to get back home Commander. How are you feeling?"
"Fine sir, glad to be home."
"You ready to get back to work? Though your team has done an exemplary job in your absence, I'm sure they could once again use your energy and leadership. I don't know if it would have taken any less time to solve the case of my friend's assault but I believe it may have been a little sooner had you been around."
"My team is more than capable of handling any cases in the quickest manner possible in my absence. I have complete faith in them sir".
"Seeing you now in person, I must admit you don't yet look entirely recovered from your injuries. Do you feel as though you can return to duty?"
"It's something we need to talk about sir. . I do apologize for being away for so long and for waiting so long to contact you but I . . I don't feel it would be a good idea to come back to work as yet. I have some things that need to be taken care of before I can return to duty with Five-0. I'm going to have to request a leave of absence."
Denning's eyebrows rose slightly though his smooth expressionless face showed no other feeling about the request.
"How long do you wish to be away? It's already been over two months since you were called up. I think the Navy has had enough of your time Commander. The people of Hawaii require it now."
"Yes sir. I understand but uhh." Steve looked down at his hands before looking up at the man before him. He didn't want to leave his team hanging out to dry but he knew he wasn't ready to return. He and his 2IC had already discussed it and the detective was going to inform Chin and Kono of their leader's decision as soon as Danny got back to HQ.
Hoping it wasn't too obvious, Danny shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
Suddenly, Denning addressed the squirming investigator. "Detective, would you mind waiting in the anteroom a moment? I need to discuss something with the Commander."
Danny was startled but complied by standing to leave. A tight smile on his face, his hand lightly brushed Steve's shoulder to convey his support as he passed on his way toward the door.
Not taking his eyes off the man before him, when Denning heard the door close behind the diminutive detective, the governor once again addressed his visitor. "Commander . . . Steve," he amended voice now softening, "I know what happened to have you land at Quantico. I know your injuries were serious but I also know they weren't all physical."
Steve, mouth opening slightly in surprise blinked back at the man on the other side of the desk. Denning knows?
"I'm also aware you may need time to get some things straightened out before you can come back to duty with Five-0. I just wanted to see for myself how you were doing and speak to you in person." Then an expression that may have been a smile, (Steve wasn't sure, he'd never actually seen the man grin), warmed the stern face, "Don't look so surprised. I also have my connections."
Feeling his face redden, Steve tried not to stammer while saying, "Governor, I really apologize for avoiding you, it . . . it wasn't really intentional. I just, I just didn't have it together well enough to come back to Oahu." Trying to find the words to explain his doubts about himself without sounding like a total pussy he continued: "Honestly, I don't know if I can come back to the task force. My head hasn't been screwed on the right way since I got back. I don't know if it ever will be. I'm sorry but I can't explain it any better than that."
Seeing the shame and embarrassment rolling off the man who sat before him, Denning added, "Steve, I'm sure your team has faith in you. I have faith in you. Let me know when you're ready. Your job will be here whenever you feel it's time to return."
….
As they walked back toward the Camaro, Steve told Danny about the governor's revelation that he'd known what had happened and his declaration the job was still his whenever he chose to get back to it.
Danny was more than happy Steve still had a job but exclaimed "How the fuck did he even find out?" hands already animating his words.
"I guess Denning carries weight in places we're not aware of." replied Steve, still not quite sure if he should even react to the man's having discovered the information about his stay in the hospital. Certainly he was relieved at the declaration of support but the lingering paranoia put him on edge once again. Who else knows?
…..
The scream woke him. Danny threw back the blanket and rising from the sofa quickly slipped on his flip-flops before swiftly but calmly ascending the stairs. He'd learned the hard way there could be broken things with sharp edges littering the floor after one of Steve's frightening nightmares. Eventually, they'd pretty much removed anything from the room that could be fodder for destruction.
Danny had jokingly called it 'Steve-proofing' but his friend had only glared at him. "Too soon?" the detective had asked
This time he found the tall man sitting on the edge of the bed and staring into the darkness. Danny sat quietly in the chair beside the door and waited for Steve to return from wherever his night terror had taken him.
Moonlight filtering through the gap in the drapes reflected off sweat-slicked skin and he could hear the quick harsh breathing in the still room as hands clutched tightly at the edge of the mattress. After another couple of minutes the respirations slowed and Steve's eyes lost their blank stare.
"You back babe?" asked Danny quietly
"Yeah . . . yeah, right here" was the hoarse reply.
"Want some water?"
"That . . . that'd be good, thanks."
Danny rose to go toward the bathroom and returned with a tumbler to hand to his friend. He watched as Steve quickly drained the glass then asked him, "Want more?"
Steve nodded his head and Danny made another short trip to fetch a refill.
"You walking through the desert again?" he asked as he handed the second drink to the thirsty man.
"Yeah." was the short reply. Steve quickly downed another glassful, wiping his mouth with the back of a sweaty hand and setting the tumbler down onto the nightstand.
Steve had finally told him of some of the content of his nightmares; of course leaving out details that might fall into the category the little blonde so hated – 'it's classified'.
Danny had unknowingly witnessed signs of his friend's flashbacks to his trek across the desert. He realized now that was probably the same memory that had caused the incident in the restaurant in Chicago when Steve had so quickly downed a glass of water and then immediately reached for Danny's tumbler to drain it as well.
Upon his return to the present, Steve would sometimes remember the vivid reliving of it and sometimes he wouldn't. He'd told Danny that he just knew he was thirstier than he'd even been in his life and there didn't seem to be enough water in the world to slake it.
…..
"So" said the shrink, "You're doing very well Steve. I'm very pleased with your recall during that last session."
"You mean before I whacked out?" snorted his patient
"You didn't 'whack-out' as you put it. As we both know, remembering this shit is uncomfortable to say the least. Sometimes our own minds protect us from what is too painful to remember. You went as far as you could."
"You're back to the whacking-out part." chuffed Steve as he picked imaginary lint off his cargoes and shifted uneasily in his chair.
"Well, I wouldn't have a job if people didn't 'whack-out' occasionally smiled the pumpkin-headed man. "It's only a problem if one makes it a lifestyle."
"I pretty much already did that." answered his patient, self-disgust evident in his voice
"Steve, you've come a long way in just two weeks. You should be happy with what you've accomplished."
"I still can't get it all out. I mean the real reason I went off the rails."
"You will"
"It's waiting there somewhere. Something really bad . . . something I'm afraid is going to send me off somewhere I'll never be able to come back from."
Esquivel could see the man before him tense once again, jaw clamping down hard enough to make the tendon and muscle on the sides of his lean face stand out.
"We won't let you get lost Steve. You have me – a damned good shrink if I say so myself." he smiled. "You have your friends. Hell, Danny and Kip would come drag you back kicking and screaming even if you wanted to get lost . . . again."
"Yeah, I know." admitted his patient with a small smile, "Can't hide from either one. They're fucking relentless."
His voice losing the levity, Esquivel said, "I know what it's like to lose yourself in memories. I also was lucky to have friends willing to bring me back." Quickly regaining the lightness he said, "Actually, I married one of them. She's still dragging me back from my own stupidity every once in a while." he smiled.
Steve knew they were only dancing around what was the object of this session.
It was time.
Esquivel had scheduled this longer appointment because it was time.
The doctor held up what looked like a plastic stick with a ball stuck on the end. When his patient looked at it in puzzlement, Esquivel laughed, "I stole this from my wife's cat okay? Well, just the wand part. I didn't think you'd be all that thrilled with a stuffed mouse on a string so I took it off and replaced it with a ping-pong ball."
"Good call." smiled Steve a little nervously.
"Now, this is a fairly simple therapy. "I want you to follow this with your eyes while we talk, okay? When your eyes are tracking something back and forth while you try to recall and hold in your mind an incident or a memory that upsets you so much you've blocked it, this process helps to connect parts of your brain with other parts of your brain and will allow that memory to unblock."
Steve looked at him skeptically.
"Trust me. It's worked for many many people. It's called EMDR which is short for Eye Movement Desensitization and Recovery. It was discovered sort of accidentally one day by a psychologist who was walking along through the woods and realized that as her eyes moved back and forth while she was thinking of something disturbing; it actually made her feel less anxious and better able to think about the issue without becoming so upset or 'whacked-out' as you'd probably put it. Anyway, she did some research and refined the technique and voila."
"That's it?" asked the SEAL as he nervously flexed his fingers then began to rub his wrists. The nervous gesture didn't escape his doctor's notice.
"Yeah, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. Nothing to worry about. I've used it many times with success in patients who've had difficulty recalling events that traumatized them. Once we know what it is, we can deal with it."
The man sitting on the edge of the chair in front of him still didn't look any more convinced or any less nervous.
"This may only take another session or two before you can recover what's been locked in your memory for so long or it could even happen in this one session. It's like your mind has locked this memory up somewhere to protect itself. EMDR will hopefully provide the key to unlock it."
"Why didn't we just do this before if it works so well?" snorted the SEAL trying not to look so apprehensive.
"For this to be successful, it's best to use it in combination with cognitive therapy – what we've been doing all along."
Still sounding unconvinced, his patient said, "Let's get going Dave before I chicken out."
"I know you won't but okay, let's do this. Remember to follow this with your eyes as you tell me what you can remember. I'm just going to slowly wave it back and forth in front of you like this." the doctor slowly swayed the wanded ping-pong ball from right to left before him.
"Tell me again about feeling abandoned when Heidegger died."
Left . . . right: Steve did as ordered and followed the object with his eyes. This is stupid.
"They . . . uhh drug his body out of the cave. I guess he'd actually been gone for several hours but when his body was removed, I felt really alone."
Right . . . left
"Then what?" asked Esquivel
"A little after that, I heard some people being herded into the cave. I could tell from the sound it was women and children. I only opened my eyes long enough to see their shapes. The sunlight was behind them so I couldn't make out any detail."
His patient's breathing was still regular and even, face still calm as the dark blue eyes followed the wand.
Left . . . right
"I heard a woman's voice ask if I was an American. She touched me . . . I felt her hand on my forehead. The others were telling her not to do it. That she was stupid and would get caught. She told them that all God's creatures deserved kindness. I remember her words."
"Were you in any pain?"
"All I felt was numb. I was beyond pain by that point. I had some broken bones and was bleeding, probably a concussion too but nothing registered anymore."
"Go on, what happened next?"
"Haven't we already been over this like at least a dozen times?" asked the testy SEAL
"Just humor me."
Steve huffed but once again fastened his eyes on the moving wand.
Right . . . left
When I opened my eyes, she was looking down at me. I . . . ah . . I'd never seen eyes like hers . . . there were . . . there were so many colors in them . . . like every color that eyes could be all rolled into hers . . . "
Continuing to move the wand back and forth, Esquivel silently nodded his head trying to picture what they looked like as his patient's voice related what he'd seen and then trailed off.
Left . . . right
"She said she was sorry she couldn't make the pain go away. The only thing she could offer was the apple. The other women were telling her to be careful, that she might get caught."
The doctor noticed Steve's respirations becoming quicker and his eyes flicked upward toward him. "Remember to follow the wand." he reminded
"I uhh managed to sit up somehow and lean against the wall of the cave. I think maybe she helped me."
Right . . . left
"I remember I could smell the tobacco the guard was smoking at the cave entrance. He wasn't far away. I told her they wouldn't like her talking to me but she just ignored the warning. That was when I noticed the bastards hadn't even bothered to tie my feet. They thought I couldn't even run . . . probably just die like Heidegger and they'd come drag my body away."
Left . . . right
"What about the baby? Where was the baby?" asked Equivel noticing the SEAL's respirations increasing at the very mention of the child as sweat began to bead above his upper lip.
"The baby was on her hip. It was quiet then. I never found out if it was a boy or a girl. You know . . . it's eyes were the same color as its mother's . . . all those colors . . . " he breathed in wonder.
Right . . . left
"She offered me the apple; a tiny little apple and she apologized saying it was all she had to give me."
"Follow the wand." admonished Esquivel as Steve had looked up at his face again instead of keeping his gaze on the object moving back and forth in front of him.
"I told her I couldn't take her last bit of food but she insisted, said they were going to turn her and the others loose and she could get more. I wasn't even hungry but I ahh . . . I reached for it."
Left . . . right
"Go on, what happened next?" prompted Esquivel as his patient's breathing speeded up even more. It had become almost a pant now.
"I reached for it. I remember seeing my hands. They were still tied and they were dirty and bloody. I think it maybe wasn't even all my blood. Some of it was probably Heidegger's."
There was a longer pause. He wanted to close his eyes. He wanted to stop now.
"It . . . it must have startled the baby because it screamed. It screamed really loud and it echoed around the cave. It was like the sound pierced my brain. It was so loud . . . so sharp sounding . . . so frightened."
Right . . . left
"The . . . uhh . . . the guard yelled for it to shut up and then rushed into the cave. The woman tried to stand in front of me so he wouldn't see me sitting up. I think she dropped the apple then because I don't think I ever had it in my hands. I don't remember it being there."
Left . . . right
"The baby was squirming and the apple fell from somewhere; maybe her shawl, and it rolled across the floor toward him. It rolled and rolled . . . "
Steve was now nearly breathless but kept on as his eyes continued to track the ball.
"He yelled at her. Said she'd defiled herself. She finally moved aside and that's when he saw me sitting up and leaning there. He lost it. He started screaming at her . . . how she'd broken the laws of the Quran and how she and . . . and . . . and the baby had to die because of it."
Right . . . left
"It's just a memory." reassured the doctor, "Remember it's all over with now and this is just a memory."
Steve swallowed audibly, mouth dry as the hot sand he remembered lurching over. His chest felt as though a steel band had been ratcheted tighter and tighter around it. It was becoming harder to breathe.
"I rushed him. My hands were still tied but I had enough momentum to knock him over. The women were screaming now. That got the children screaming. All that noise . . . "
Left . . . right
Sweat began to drip down the sides of the lean face and his words now spilled out in a rush: "He managed to get to his feet and pulled out the knife in his belt. I don't know what happened to the carbine but he didn't use it. He kicked me in the ribs and knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't get up. He raised the knife over his head. It was big and shiny almost like a sword, I know I used to know what they were called but I can't remember right now."
"That's okay just go on. Remember to watch the wand" reminded Esquivel. His patient's respiration was now harsh now and labored as though there wasn't enough oxygen in the room.
"He had both hands on the handle."
Right . . . left
"I tried to get up. I tried really hard." His voice caught as his throat tightened and his blood pounded in his ears drowning out every other sound.
"I only managed to crawl to her and try to throw my body over them. She was crying, "Don't hurt my baby! Please don't hurt my baby! . . . Oh god, I can still hear her!"
"It was like slow-motion then, you know like in the movies. The blade was in the air over our heads and it seemed to come down so slowly. It seemed to take forever for it to reach me. I didn't even feel it when he cut me. I mean, I could see it, I could see the blood but I didn't feel it . . . so weird."
Left . . . right
"Then there was so much blood and so much screaming!" Tears now streaked down his face as dark watery eyes continued to follow the wand. His chest heaved and his skin began to prickle.
"He raised it again and . . . and . . . I uhh, I put my hands up when it came down. I don't know who he was aiming for . . . me or her or . . . "
Right . . . left
"She was screaming . . . the baby was screaming . . . I was screaming . . . The blade came down and I knocked it aside but . . . but it didn't stop and when . . . when it hit the baby . . . Oh God! It hit the baby! I didn't stop it . . . I couldn't stop it!"
"Steve, slow your breathing. It's just a memory. Follow the wand." ordered Esquivel who was so very tempted to end the session but Steve was so close now. "Go on Steve, don't close your eyes, it's just a memory. There's no more pain in it for you or anyone else now."
"There was so much blood! It was everywhere! And screaming . . . everyone was screaming . . . the women . . . the children . . . we were all screaming . . . "
He took a shaking breath, his whole body trembled but he didn't stop, he didn't close his eyes.
"I managed to get the bastard down on the ground. I don't know how. I just had to end it but it was too late. It was too late. I somehow got my hands around his neck and I snapped it. I felt it snap but it was too late . . . "
Left . . . right
She picked up the baby and looked at me with those eyes. Her clothes were soaked with it . . . her baby's . . . maybe mine too . . . all that red. Then, she stood up . . . so calm . . . the baby was . . . was dead in her arms. It just looked like a bloody rag; so limp in her arms.
Right . . . left . . . right . . . left
"She walked to where the knife lay and picked it up. She said 'Please hold my baby for me and handed this limp, dripping, little body to me and I took it to hold it for her."
"Everyone was quiet now. I didn't hear any more screaming. It had all stopped."
Left . . . right . . . left . . . right . . . left . . .
"She looked at me. Those eyes looked right at me. They were so sad . . . so sad. And then . . . she drew the blade across her own throat . . ."
The man was shivering now. There was no way to follow the wand. Just staying in the chair was difficult enough.
"Please." he begged, "Please I have to stop now. I can't . . . I'm gonna . . . "
Esquivel quickly set down the wand. Steve was pale and drenched in sweat. Quickly grabbing the plastic wastebasket from the corner, he set it in front of the young man just in time as he became violently sick.
The doctor waited patiently for it to stop. The dry heaving seemed to go on forever.
"It's okay now. It's gonna be okay." he comforted as he rubbed his hand in slow soothing circles on his patient's back.
"It's just a memory now. You're safe now. It's okay Steve."
*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*
Next chapter, (possibly the final one), in about a week. It will be much happier.
I would like to hear your thoughts on this one. I apologize for the violence but it would take something like that to send our hero over the edge. It's over now. It's time to heal.