Cold Summer Heat Chapter 36
I don't own R and I.
Jane cursed out loud at the light that pulled her from her dream. She could see Maura so clearly when it was dark; when she closed her eyes. Everything seemed so easy, so comfortable. It was when she was forced to look that things became complicated. What was she doing? What were they doing?
Morning had arrived too soon. Jane's body fought against her as she forced herself into a sitting position. She grabbed her head with both hands anticipating the disabling pain that had consumed her just a few hours ago.
She felt rough, very much like life was way ahead of her all of the sudden. Her pain was now a dull ache and the relief was enough to encourage her to get out of the bed. She needed to get out of the bed. She needed to get a grip on what was going on. Maura was going to need help dealing with the shooting. Maura was going to need her. Maura needed her to stay last night and she deserted her. Jane defied her pain in favor of the fear. The pain made her scared, but it was the fear that made her leave.
Jane layed back on the bed. She truly was at a loss as to her feelings. The fear that nearly disabled her when Maura was taken wasn't surprising nor was the guilt. They were already close, but now Jane found it difficult to breathe when she worried about Maura. She found herself struggling to get a deep breath in now as she wondered if Maura would be upset with her leaving last night.
Darkness consumed Jane again as she closed her eyes. She found it ironic that as scared as she was about not being able to see again, she preferred the darkness more and more. Things seemed to make more sense to her when she couldn't see anything. Jane wondered if Maura was questioning what was happening between them as well or just accepted it for what it was. What was it? What was it that had Jane so scared; so confused? Jane thought about their kiss from the night before and all that was shared with it. Never had she felt so many different emotions with a single kiss. Never before had she been able to completely block out everything and just feel. Never had she even thought about kissing another woman and here she was thinking only of Maura. What seemed wrong when they were apart felt right when Maura was in front of her. Jane could feel herself drifting off again and she knew she wouldn't fight it. Her body so exhausted, her mind so consumed with questions.
Jane thought she had left her gun on her bedside table, cursing to herself when she realized she hadn't. The loud, persistant knocking on her front door was unnerving at best and Jane forced herself up from the bed. She would have to kill whoever insisted on waking her without her gun.
"You look like hell." Frankie was not a welcomed sight for Jane so early in the morning and she made sure to tell him just that. Frankie made his way into her apartment, watching as Jane attempted to go back to bed.
"I'm still tired. Still alive, if that's why you're here, but tired." Jane gave her brother a dirty look and headed for her bedroom.
"It's after two in the afternoon. You haven't answered your phone. I was worried. That's why I'm here." Frankie picked up her phone, shaking his head at the missed calls. "That and Maura called me."
"Is she okay?" Jane turned, taking a few steps toward her brother when she heard Maura's name.
"You'd probably know had you anwered any of her calls this morning." Frankie watched as Jane's expression changed with his words. "What happened last night? She said you were having trouble seeing again."
"I was seeing fine." Jane snatched her phone from Frankie, squinting to read the screen. Maura had called four different times. "Just had a bad headache and wanted to come home and go to bed. What's so bad about that?"
"What's so bad about that is that it's after two in the afternoon!" Frankie's frustration was evident, but Jane didn't seem to care. "A bad headache for you is nothing to ignore, Jane. You know that."
"I'm fine. Had sort of a bad day yesterday." Jane's sarcasm was a hint that she was feeling at least somewhat better. "Having a gun put to your head sometimes causes bad headaches."
Frankie stared Jane down before deciding to ask her another question. "What happened with Maura?"
Jane glared at her younger brother and thought about throwing him out. She remembered back at the hospital when it was Frankie who made her understand about how Maura was feeling about her. Jane pushed her hair back out of her face as she let herself fall down onto her couch. "She's got a lot to work through. She's been through so much, Frankie."
"What happened, Jane?"
"She's confused, I think, about how I could shoot Bradley the way I did. How I could kill somebody I cared about. Frankie, he didn't want to hurt Maura, but he did want to hurt me." Frankie silently encouraged Jane to continue. "He was scared, nervous, angry. I had to take him out before he hurt her."
"Jane, what happened last night with Maura." Frankie knew Jane was confused and he knew she was intentionally avoiding his question.
"I didn't want to leave her, is that where you're going with this?" Jane suddenly seemed irritated. "I couldn't stay. Things were just...too much."
"Right. Your headache." Frankie smiled just enough to really irritate his sister.
"I don't want her worrying about me like that. I've caused her enough grief." Jane let her head fall into her hands for a few seconds before sitting up. She let out a breath realizing her headache was nearly gone for the time being.
"I think it's a bit too late for that." Frankie smiled as he watched Jane struggle with her feelings. "Own it, Jane."
"Own what, little brother? I have no clue what's going on with us. I think the stress of all that's gone on is affecting her feelings for me. And mine for her." Jane added her last thought when Frankie slightly shook his head.
Frankie sat down next to Jane on the couch. He made her look him in the eye. "Do you love her?"
"What? Yeah, of course I do." Jane was uncomfortable and Frankie knew it.
"Maybe it took something this traumatic to make you realize that. I never knew the great Detective Jane Rizzoli to run from anything." The silence that followed seemed louder than any noise Jane had ever heard.
Frankie headed toward the door. "Call her later, she's worried. Right now she's at the station being interviewed and questioned about her involvement yesterday."
Jane stared after her brother. "Frankie, did you ever think I'd fall for a woman?"
Frankie's smile reminded Jane of when they were younger. "No. Is that what's happening, Jane?"
"It just blows my mind that I could feel this way about another woman." Jane felt anything but grounded on this and it showed.
"We don't chose who we love, Jane." Frankie took a few step toward his older sister. "Don't look at it as if you've fallen for another woman. Look at like you've finally opened your eyes and saw Maura. It's clear enough to everybody else."
Jane opened her mouth to protest but decided better. She had fallen for Maura and that fact alone was enough to scare the hell out of her. Frankie was right, she wasn't one to run from anything. That didn't mean she wasn't scared. She was terrified of her feelings and how strong they were.
Jane had to clear her head. She had to find a balance; something to help her sort through all that had happened. She would have to talk it through with the department shrink, she knew that. It was procedure and necessary before she would be cleared for active duty. She needed to get back to work. She needed something that was normal; routine. The hearing protection served it's purpose as all outside noise was blocked from her head. The protective glasses were required and Jane put them on despite detesting the very sight of them. This kind of protection isn't avaliable when you're out in the field. You hear it all. You see it all. You feel it all.
Jane held her gun tightly as she carefully raised her arm. It felt so heavy and her shoulder protested the position. She held her arm out for as long as she could before dropping it to her side. The throbbing only dragged her back to the small, stale train room where Benjamin had caused what she was feeling now. Jane closed her eyes and could easily see the panic on Maura's face. How she wanted her to take that shot. Jane remembered pleading with Maura to just try. Just try, Maura. Jane raised her arm quickly and fired. Her arm trembled and shook, but she fired again. And again. She again defied her pain in favor of her fear and she was afraid of everything it seemed.
Jane pushed the button and watched as her target came towards her. She stared at the holes realizing how bad her aim was, wondering if it was her arm or her vision that had caused her to miss her intended mark. She was not ready to even think about returning to work and that thought alone was enough to scare her. Jane sent the target back out and waited. She raised her arm again against the pain that was becoming quickly familiar. She emptied her gun this time, her thoughts were of Bradley, Benjamin, Terry Whileman and finally Maura.
The sound of gunfire around her did nothing to shake Jane from her thoughts. She closed her eyes without shifting her position at all. She allowed her arm to slowly fall to her side, refusing to loosen her grip on her gun. Maura took the shot. She took the shot and killed Terry Whileman before he could kill her. She faced her fear, and took the shot. Jane could feel the single tear that pooled at the bottom of her glasses. Still she didn't move. Still she kept her eyes closed. Maura was so strong, she was the one who didn't run from anything.
"Do I look badass, Jane?" Jane smiled to herself as she thought back to when she tried to teach Maura how to hold a gun. Seemed like forever ago. So much had happened since then that Jane did find herself questioning if what she was feeling was as a direct result of all that they had both been through.
Jane slowly put her gun away and slowly began to remove her eyes and ears. She flinched slightly as the sounds of the gun range flooded her head immediately and were so very loud. She waited for her target to come back in to her and simply stared at the inaccuracy that was her right now.
"It will take some time." Jane closed her eyes to the soft sounds of Maura's voice directly behind her. She felt Maura's fingers on her arm, gently asking her to turn and face her. Jane wanted to see Maura, but she didn't want Maura to see her like this; a defeated mess. "I'm sure you're arm needs to heal some more at the very least."
"Yeah." Jane worked to keep her eyes from focusing on Maura's.
"Why did you leave last night, Jane?" the disappointment was louder than the volume and Maura could see the effect her question had on Jane.
"Just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. Head was hurting and I didn't want to keep you up." Jane focused in on Maura eyes now as the doubt she saw in them confused her.
"Did you need to step back a bit? I know you're confused. I know you need time to heal." Maura took a small step back away from Jane to symbolize her offer for space. Maura could feel the confusion in Jane's touch before she left during the night.
Jane stared at Maura for a few long seconds. The last thing she wanted was for Maura to back away from her. What she wanted to do was take Maura's face in her hands and kiss her as if nobody was around. As if nothing else mattered but them. She loved how clear everything seemed when it was just them. "You almost died. I almost died. Bradley did die as did his father. Whileman died. Frost. Frankie."
"Jane, I get it. There is so much to process right now. I don't want to push you. I won't." Maura gave Jane a few seconds to respond and when she didn't she turned and left.
She went from wanting to kiss Maura to making her leave. This was going to be harder than she already figured. Jane picked her gun back up and loaded it. She sighed as she sent the target back out and quickly pulled her weapon. She aimed carefully and fired until her gun was empty again. The target never stood a chance as each shot was perfectly placed. She didn't replace the hearing and eye protection, opting to go without. She needed to see everything, hear everything and feel everything. She knew how to shoot a gun and as she studied her target she knew she would be okay in time with that. What she didn't know how to do was love Maura, and she could only wonder how long she would have to figure that out.