Disclaimer: Most characters belong to Charlaine Harris.

As always, love and hugs go to treewitch703,

Huge thanks and hugs to everyone, so sorry again I didn't get back to people from chapter 34 (I'd much rather have been doing that than dealing with the RL stuff) I was actually pretty nervous about these postings and your responses have been amazing, so truly thank you xx

Chapter 36: While I was Sleeping

Dating Do's and Don'ts: Snuggling: Do snuggle when feeling vulnerable, hurt, scared or upset – No! Not with … Let's try again. Don't snuggle with; dead people, killers, your boss, … except … OK scrub all that. Snuggling: Do it – carefully.

(Back to Sookie POV)

During the day on Saturday, in between the night I met the Queen and the following night when I'd finally connected all the dots of what Bill had done, I'd started to feel an inner turmoil. It was as though my body were rebelling against my mind. Stackhouse women did not fall apart, a Stackhouse woman got on with things no matter what. My mind knew that and was prepared to do whatever was needed to ensure that's what I did. But my body ached, my blood pounded like I was struggling to climb a mountain, my lungs strained trying to get enough oxygen.

When, after the phone call with Alcide, I'd heard a car coming up the drive, I'd ducked into the nearest door which happened to be the spare bedroom. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't even want to know who it was. The thought of even a familiar mind getting close to mine threatened to blow the top off of the emotions I was keeping bottled up.

Whoever had driven up the drive had started knocking on the front door and the pressure inside me started to rise, It was like someone was pumping me full of air, only my skin wouldn't expand so inside me just became denser and denser. I kept waiting for something to give, for some kind of explosion but it didn't happen, the pressure just continued to build. Every time I forced my mind and heart away from the pain of what I'd discovered from the Queen, the knowledge would flood back in a moment later. Part of me didn't think I could survive the damage, that was the part that reached for oblivion. I didn't want to think, I didn't want to see anyone. Even the daylight seemed harsh. I'd shut the curtains and sagged to the floor next to the small spare bed.

The visitor switched to knocking on the back door. I'd cringed at the thought of anyone seeing me. One word, one moment under another's gaze, one tickle of someone else's thoughts, and I would be done for. I'd had an idea. Dragging the quilt off the bed behind me, I'd gone to the closet. Carefully I'd pulled up the hidden floor hatch.

My heart had leapt when I'd discovered Eric inside. I froze for a moment but he hadn't moved. In the darkness I could only make him out by his soft glow, fainter than when he was animated but still there. The thorny bands wrapped around my heart, eased ever-so slightly. The knocking had returned to the front door and become more insistent.

Carefully I'd climbed into the hole with Eric. The Viking didn't move an inch as I settled myself, mostly on top of him, then pulled the quilt in over us both, finally pulling the hatch closed and sliding the bolt from the inside. I'd been surprised Eric hadn't done that. Snuggling down, I'd dragged Eric's arm over me. It was in an awkward position and took some effort but the extra strength his blood provided made it doable. The weight added to the feeling of safety and comfort.

Maybe one day I will question the wisdom of crawling into a dark hole with a dead man, or sneaking into the sleeping place of a powerful and deadly vampire, but in that moment it had seemed like the safest most soothing place I could be. I'd slept, but fitfully. Nightmares of Gran, and Rene, and Bill, and a dark confined space, blurred into each other so I could not tell you what happened in them except that it was violent and scary and cruel. I wasn't sure how I hadn't woken up when Eric moved me. The next thing I'd know was hearing Eric and Pam talking and I'd finally putting together what Bill had done to my body and to my mind.

[***]

It was the same comfort I'd found in the hidey-hole that, on the Saturday night, brought me back from my contemplations of Bill's full treachery. The cool lethal hand of an ancient vampire, gently stroking my hair and my face, making me feel safe. Eric's voice flowed over me like a balm.

"Her skin is cool, she is usually so warm."

"It's like she has been damaged. She hasn't said a word since we were at Fangtasia, not even when I put her to bed. Her Shifter said she wouldn't answer the door when he came during the day. I'm not sure if she's even moved since she flinched from Bill." I remembered Pam growling at him and was glad she was in the room with me now. Her next words were less certain than the vampire I knew. "Eric, she may need proper care. She'll need to eat or she'll get too weak to recover. Maybe we should take her to a hospital. Or perhaps you should give her blood again – I'll do it if you don't want to." Pam sounded genuinely concerned, I was touched.

"She is not injured in that way." Eric was holding something back, I could feel it. Then I realised, he hadn't told Pam that I'd climbed into the hidey-hole with him. I wondered why not. "Bill repeatedly gave her blood when he could and kept chipping away at her spirit but she has never let him back in, not fully. In light of what he has done, her resistance has been remarkable," Eric was saying as he smoothed the cover that was over my still form.

All the pieces of a horrific jigsaw were in place. If my mind hadn't been so estranged from my body at that moment I'd have started retching. Pam sounded as sickened as I felt.

"If he was using his blood to control her, you could have used your influence to turn her from him."

"Then I would be just like him. I have no interest in making Sookie less than herself. I have been trying to avoid any blood influence I might have on her. Besides there is always the possibility that telling her not to do something will backfire," there was slight amusement in his voice, as if he was smirking.

"Now who does that remind me of?" Pam said, also with some humour. Their mirth was not deep and was short lived, Eric got serious again quickly.

"Blood control works best with proximity and lots of physical contact. I did try to limit his access, ruling that all contact had to be initiated by her. I thought to reduce his influence over the blood he had already given her but I confess I did not think he would stoop so low as to be sneaking more into her system and I knew she would not take it voluntarily. As you know all magic is influenced by intent, and blood magic, being high magic, is even more susceptible to the nuances. Giving a human blood when they do not know what they are ingesting can have erratic effects. I may have fibbed regarding the necessity the first time Sookie took my blood, but she still made the choice to suck out the bullet, that is important. The human should always take the blood by choice otherwise it can send them mad. All this goes some way to explaining her condition. Her mind and body are fighting against each other, I do not doubt that even now his blood is trying to sway her."

"Can't we find a witch to perform a severing?"

"It is too dangerous, normally the human does not survive." I could feel the angry frustration pulsing from Eric's blood to mine, feel something wild and reckless that wanted to spew forth like a volcano. He was restraining it but hated having to do so.

All I could think about was Bill's blood, Bill's blood inside me still. Who knew how much he had given me or how long it would take to wear off. It was like I could feel it, the inside of my skin crawled with the knowledge. I wanted it out. I wanted it out more than anything I'd ever wanted before. I felt like it was a poison creeping and hiding in my own veins, every inch of me willed it gone though there was nothing I could do, I was still trapped inside my body, unable to move or speak, unable to tell Eric that no matter what the risk he should do a severing, whatever that was, that I couldn't bear Bill's blood being in me for another second, that it was burning me up from the inside.

"Pam, you must have gripped too hard when bringing her home, she has bruises," Eric's voice was suddenly sharp.

"That wasn't me, they weren't there before." Pam sounded sure but concerned. "They're everywhere look," she added. I knew they were lifting the covers, inspecting me. It felt like all my Bill tainted blood was attacking my body, or maybe my body was attacking it, either way I was a battle ground. In my head the bruises looked like bright poppies covering my skin. "More are appearing every moment." Pam was becoming alarmed as my insides clenched, split and stabbed at me. I wanted to curl into a ball, to scream out my pain but nothing in my body responded to my command. "What the fuck is going on?" Demanded Pam.

"I have no idea, call Ludwig. I do not like this, she is in pain I can feel it."

"Eric is it me or does she look slightly yellow?"

"Call Ludwig NOW!"

Pain was running riot within me. I was sorry Eric could feel it but I hoped that meant Bill could too, that he was experiencing some of the agony that was ripping through me. It would be worth it if he could. If the pain didn't kill me I was getting that severing. Cramps knotted my stomach and if I could have moved, I'd have been in the tightest ball possible, but stuck inside myself as I was, there was no relief from the pain. The pressure inside me that had been flattening me against the inside walls of my body was building further. It was too much; too much pain, too much grief, too much anger. I thought my whole body might explode from it. I retreated into my mind, burying myself deep, ignoring the call of: "Sookie no," from Eric.

"Where the FUCK is Ludwig," was the last thing I heard as I shut off completely.

[~~~]

Thunder rolled through the air and rumbled against Eric's skin as he sat looking down at her still form. It was the third night after he'd felt her slip away from him but he knew she was coming back, he knew it.

I was swimming, swimming in complete darkness. Unsure I was heading in the right direction I swam on hoping I was moving upwards, towards the surface. There were muffled voices in the water but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I felt a tickling sensation, like I'd brushed against some reeds, only it was on the inside, weird. The journey I was taking was from somewhere safe and protected, somewhere I'd been healing my mind and soul, to somewhere painful and scary. I'd determined on this course, fought to take this path, was still fighting to make it. Tired but determined, I kept swimming. There was a slight current in the water that was urging me onwards.

"The connection has been broken, Bill says he cannot feel her any more." The voices slowly became clear enough for me to make out the words but I couldn't make sense of the conversation. There was a lot of information that passed right through me. I had no context to place the words within.

"And you believe him?" This voice was female, the other male. They spoke in hushed tones like they were sitting beside a sick bed and didn't want to disturb the occupant.

"I trust him less than Fellowship scum with silver and stakes but I believe he truly thought she had died. He reported her death to the Queen, he would not have done that unless he was certain. Whether the connection is completely obliterated or only suppressed while she is in this state remains to be seen." I swam on, towards the voices, trying to make sense of their words. There was some kind of phosphorescence in the water, I was starting to see traces of light dance around the strokes of my hands.

"How can the tie have been broken? Could someone have performed a severing?" I didn't know what a severing was but it seemed to fit with the scissor-like kicking motions of my legs - schnock schnick. I wanted the man to speak again, his deeper voice made pleasant vibrations in the water.

"It is possible but unlikely. Bill would never give up his connection to her willingly and I do not think Sookie even knows it is possible." I wanted to giggle, Sookie, what a funny word. "Whatever the cause, Bill will want to renew the tie if it is gone, he will want to use its influence to force her to forgive him." If it wouldn't have involved a mouthful of water I'd have gulped. I may not know the people or incident involved but it still sounded threatening.

"Now she knows what he did, that will never happen, and if he puts his blood anywhere near her I will drain him." The woman sounded as if she'd like to do that very much. The aggression in her voice was exciting, like the promise of a fair-ride I really wanted to go on. Realising my own feelings were not making much sense I decided to try determining theirs. "But that doesn't explain what is wrong with her," she added, aggression switching to irritation.

"Ludwig will not tell me." It sounded like this Ludwig guy should watch his back judging by the displeasure in the man's voice. "There was a great deal of emotional turmoil, much more than … She still believed she loved him, I think. Right up to the moment in my office." The man sounded sad and angry all at once.

"Pfft! That was just his blood influence and it is no excuse for staying in bed this long." The woman was not indulgent. "Besides, she loves you," she insisted angrily. It sounded like a conversation they'd had before, more than once. He sighed. I could feel the cool water flowing between my fingers as I swam on.

"She loves that other vampire. Someone I do not know or even remember." There was a touch of the forlorn hiding under the casual tones of this statement. I felt sorry for the man: To be loved for something other than yourself, I thought I might know something about that.

"You love her too."

"Vampires do not love like humans." His voice had gone hard, he would accept no opposition.

"They can love like vampires." She opposed him anyway, her voice as determined as his, though in a different way.

"Leave."

"But …"

"Now."

The helpful current was getting stronger and the reed-thing that had been tickling me had become a rope I could pull myself along. I tried to cling to the conversation I'd just heard, something about it was important but it was getting left behind in the water. I didn't have the strength to go back for it, I needed to keep swimming. Older memories were forcing their way back into my mind pushing out the new ones of where I'd been and why. Like the conversation, everything was getting washed away in the currents.

Someone was pulling on the other end of the rope, there was a muttering that seemed to surround me. I couldn't make out the words but there was something familiar about them, like the whispering of the trees in the woods. Not the woods I'd left, the woods I was going to, the ones waiting for me at the end of the rope, the woods of my home. Long low rumbles of thunder provided percussion accompaniment to the words that rippled over me like waves:

Lengi eg sat

ljúfu bergi á,

beið eg þín nótt og nótt;

nú það varð,

er eg vætt hefi,

að þú ert aftur kominn,

mögur, til minna sala.

I had no idea what they meant but I knew they were beautiful and I knew they were welcoming me home. The numbness in my limbs seemed to be receding and the tickling pull on the inner rope was becoming stronger. A picture started to form. In my mind's eye, a lightening flash illuminated a vampire, tall and blonde and deadly gorgeous. I grasped at the image knowing there was more.

From a very long way away I felt that someone was near me. I felt a hand stroking my hair in a way that seemed distantly familiar. I had an image of someone doing that before. My mother had done it, the one time I was sick as a child. She may not have been the best mother in the world, she had been jealous of our father's attention, not wanting to share it, but when we were sick you could see it, she loved us. The action now was as comforting as it had been then. Exhausted from my swim, I fell asleep.

[~~~]

I awoke to sunshine lighting the familiar comfort of my bedroom. The curtains were drawn tight but a gimlet of light had poked through a tiny gap near the top and was illuminating a thin slice of floating dust. As I lay staring at the minuscule flecks pirouetting randomly, I soaked up the familiar scents and sounds that would always mean home no matter where I encountered them. It felt like I'd been away for a really long time.

Eventually I shifted my head slightly so I could look around at the familiar setting. My mind was quite calm as I took in my situation. I remembered everything that had happened before, all I had learned the night the Queen visited, as well as all I put together the following night, everything in fact up to the point I retreated into my mind, but I put it aside for the moment, establishing the here and now needed to come first.

Scooting back a little until I was half sitting, I spotted the note on my night stand about the same moment I recognised the sound of someone moving in my kitchen. Maybe I should have been concerned about the latter but I couldn't seem to care. I reached out and grabbed the note. The movement was hard. I realised I was incredibly weak.

The soft scent from the thick folded paper with my name on the outside brought more memories of homecoming and safety, and I smiled softly at the familiarly friendly scrawl before unfolding the sheaf.

Sookie,

I felt a change in you last night. You were sleeping rather than gone. I hope this means you will wake in the day. I have called the Shifter to come and care for you. Let him. You are still my responsibility and I do not know if they will return the bail money if you die.

I will see you tonight.

~E~

Though I hadn't expected to do so ever again, I laughed. It was weak and raspy, I felt light-headed from the energy it took. Sam rushed in from the other room looking stunned.

"What the fuck Sook?" He asked after a long pause of looking at me alarmed while I tried to get myself under control.

"Eric is worried I'm going to die," I gasped trying to explain by waving the paper at him. Sam looked worried about my mental state.

"Well he made it clear that if you do, I do," he said after a moment. I got the feeling he wasn't exaggerating and the thought sobered me.

I shifted to sit more upright, struggling in my weakened state.

"Jesus Sook, look at you." Sam sighed before moving forward to help me.

"That good huh? Just what a girl likes to hear, that she apparently looks as bad as she feels." I eye-balled him but in a friendly way to let him know I wasn't really offended.

"Not bad, just, you look like you've been real ill and now you need some good meals and lots of sun." He tried to smile knowing these were both things I liked but I could see the worry in his face as well as feel it pushing against my mind. I felt I should shield but I couldn't quite manage it yet.

"What day is it?" I asked, realising I didn't know.

"Wednesday." As usual it was just emotions I was picking up from Sam, there was a lot, his worry, his discomfort, his protectiveness, to name but a few.

"Wednesday? That means …" Wow. "I've been … ill … for 4 days?" Sam nodded and his concern was full on his face for a moment before he replaced it with something more 'let's get on.'

"What do you need?" He asked me as my shame turned to determination. "Water? Food? Bath?" He looked hopeful at this last one and I laughed again. I wasn't sure why everything seemed so funny.

"Bathroom," I admitted with a blush.

"Sook you don't need to be embarrassed, you've seen me cock my leg against a tree." He smiled reassuringly and pulled the blankets back then bent to lift me. I was pleased to note I was in a fresh looking nightgown.

Sam carried me to the toilet and helped me get settled after I accepted I couldn't stand on my own. Once he was satisfied I could stay on the seat safely he gave me some privacy. I looked at my arms and legs as I sat there. Sam was right that my skin looked pale, and I was definitely still feeling pretty weak and very shaky. While I noted that I was fairly clean, Sam's offer of a bath still sounded tempting. That said, sudden waves of exhaustion would wash over me, making me feel I might pass out, maybe a bath was a bad idea right now.

With some careful planning, Sam put the shower-head as low as it would go and I sat in the bath under it, covered in a towel until Sam had left. I sat with my head back letting the warm water wash over me. Sam had told me that he had been my visitor on Saturday during the day, the one I had hidden from in the hidey-hole. Pam had called him and asked him to check on me. The following night when he'd called he'd been told I was unwell and that my care had been arranged.

Apparently Eric wouldn't allow anyone near me during my illness, nor would he tell anyone what was wrong with me. Sam did know, through other means, that Dr Ludwig had been caring for me and had provided day-nurses prior to today. Then last night Eric had called Sam. Sam had been more than happy to help since it meant he'd be able to check my condition for himself.

I knew Sam was curious about what had happened to me but I wasn't ready to talk to him about it, I wasn't even sure myself. That is, I knew everything that had happened just before I got ill. I remembered everything I'd discovered about Bill and the Queen and his blood and urgh! But the pain and the pressure that built up in me, shutting myself off so thoroughly I'd been out for days? I didn't know what that was about.

Thinking of Bill now still made my skin crawl, but I knew in my gut that his blood was no longer in me. I'd be removing Bill from my life just as surely as he'd been removed from my blood soon enough, first I needed to know about me.

On discovering their guy had been a lying cheating scumbag, normal girls got angry, or cried, or sulked for a while. They wore their sweats and ate big tubs of ice cream. Even if you factor in the rape and blood and the partial glamour it didn't explain why I'd fallen into some sort of coma and needed my friends to change my bedsheets.

I was glad my problems were not an item of supe gossip. However much he liked to pretend otherwise, Eric was at times as guilty of engaging in this as the rest of them, though he was perhaps a little more subtle than some. On the other hand, I knew that at some point I was going to have to tell Sam something and I wasn't looking forward to trying to put everything into words.

I also wasn't sure how much of what I'd figured out Eric actually knew, and whether I could bring myself to tell him. I felt a wave of dizziness as too many thoughts and feelings crashed in on me at once and I let the water wash them all away.

Though I felt cleaner after my shower I also felt exhausted and actually dozed for a while after Sam helped me back to bed and wandered off to make me some food. I roused when I 'heard' Sam worrying about whether to wake me or not. I could feel curiosity coming off him now but I could also feel him pushing it aside. He gave me food and water, and, after I begged enough, some coffee. With my caffeine armour I was ready to address my first concern. I took Sam's hand and pulled him down to sit on the edge of my bed so he'd stop fidgeting.

"Sam, do you know what's wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you Sookie." Sam assured me. "I don't know everything you've been through but I know enough to know that it's amazing you've held up as well as you have." For all his calm words, he looked worried. "I need to make a call," he blurted out suddenly, pulling his hand from mine.

"Sam, what …?" but he was gone.

Though surprised by his sudden departure I was glad of the alone time. I was pretty sure Sam didn't have the answers I needed. I'd worked out everything else that had happened to me, I could work this out too. I seemed to have processed all the stuff with Bill. I hadn't been glamoured again, everything was clear, it just wasn't fresh. The only thing left was confronting Bill and I wasn't sure how much I needed to do that. He had made himself irrelevant. Whatever else had been going on, it seemed my heart and mind had been healing. I checked those feelings carefully to be sure, but they were entirely mine.

At some point during my self examination, despite the questions buzzing round my head, I fell back to sleep. I awoke when Eric arrived after sunset that evening. Sam was still nowhere to be seen. I scanned for him and found him in the kitchen. I got enough to know he was nervous but no more.

Grace is a funny thing. You either have it or you don't. If you don't, you can learn to be 'more graceful' but you will never have the natural easy grace of someone born that way. Completely unconscious and fluid, like the wind travelling through long grass, swirling patterns and shades of colour in a way that is almost silent and unresisting. This was how Eric entered my room that night, like a sigh of spring air.

The evening was warm and I had flung the covers off me while I slept. I was in an actual nightdress that Gran had bought me but that I almost never usually wore, preferring my oversized t-shirts. The reason I avoided nightdresses was, as this one had done, they tended to get all twisted and gathered up making them uncomfortable. I was decent, but only just.

Coming through the door Eric stopped, his eyes ran over me once then he leaned against the door jamb and took another look, a long slow one that ran the length of me and back leaving goosebumps in its wake. I couldn't read his expression, my best guess would be it was pensive.

I looked at him too. I had a lot of questions and a lot of things I wanted to say but I stayed silent, just looking, the same as he was. I took my time.

His shirt was big enough not to cling but small enough to be taut over the broadest parts of his torso; his big shoulders slimmed to a narrow waist around which hung belt-less jeans that, like his shirt, were not tight but still hinted at the package within. But that wasn't where my gaze lingered the longest. The lines of his bone structure, the planes of his face, framed by his beautiful thick hair that was carelessly tied back. His lips that could be so expressive but most often looked happily wicked.

And those eyes, those deep, intense, fascinating eyes that, having completed their exploration of my contours were now locked on mine almost in challenge. The smell of coffee carried on the breeze that wafted towards me from behind him gathering a hint of his manly scent. The main light in my room was off so it was only the glow from the bathroom that joined his natural luminescence. A 'coon chittered outside, Eric blinked slowly. I was jealous of his lashes for brushing his face.

Eventually he pushed away from the doorway with his shoulder and I watched him slink smoothly towards me, taking his time so I could appreciate the beauty of his movements. He remained quiet as he sat on the edge of my bed, his weight tipping me slightly towards him so my hip leaned against his. I was embarrassed by what had happened to me. I kept my eyes from quite meeting his and wished I was asleep. Eric didn't say anything though.

He inspected me like a doctor and like a vampire – I could feel him reaching out to his blood in me, just a slight tingling sensation, not unpleasant but slightly alien. I knew I looked pale and I still felt very tired. I'd noticed, since Eric had started looking at me, that my breath felt short and my heart rate was accelerated but I wasn't sure if that had been the case all along or only since he'd arrived. I sat quietly allowing him to do what he wished. My gaze sweeping over and over his face in the visual equivalent of Loki's puppy tongue.

Closing my eyes for a moment, I felt his fingertips brush over the skin on my forehead, skimming under the loose hair that covered it. Cool satin. Although his hands were worker's hands that still showed the breadth of manual labour he must have performed as a human, they were soft. It didn't make sense to me, it must be a vampire thing or maybe his age, but I loved the feel of them, they made me feel soft wherever they touched, like he was smoothing away all my imperfections with just his caresses.

His fingers trailed down the side of my face, over the ridge of my jaw and down my throat (my head drifted naturally to the side to give him access) and came to rest over my carotid. That was our connection, heart-pumped blood flowing through my veins, the blood of us both, his and mine, pulsating together.

He seemed calm, and like he was systematically following some internal list, clinical almost, but in a tender way - on the outside. As he tapped into whatever it was he could access through the tie between us, his hands on me, I could feel him too. His emotions, as they melded into mine, were a mess. I couldn't pick out much, but it was like being caught in a crowd underwater. So many things were trying to force their way to the surface that they kept pushing each other back down. It felt like he was drowning.

Then he stroked my head once, kissed my forehead and left without a word.

A while later, Pam arrived. In a grump, she ran a bubble bath and dumped me in it without asking. I didn't want to upset her by pointing out I'd already had a shower, so I decided to go along with it, not that I had much choice. Surreptitiously, I pulled on the corner of a wash cloth that hung over the edge, dragging it beneath the bubbles to provide a little modesty just before Pam returned and placed a towel by the bath. Like Eric she didn't speak. I hated the silence.

"Thank you Pam," I said with a shy smile. She looked at me questioningly.

"I've been ordered to do it, though I don't see why it has to be me. This was why you had a nurse." One of the things I loved about Pam was she was always came right out and said what was on her mind. I suspected that even if I could read her thoughts there wouldn't be anything in her head that didn't make its way out of her mouth. Her Pam-ness made me feel I'd stepped off a rocking boat onto solid ground. If nothing else, you could count on Pam to be Pam. But I hadn't been thanking her for the towel as I explained.

"I was talking about before. When … in Fangtasia … you … I felt safe with you." I looked down, I was still ashamed for retreating into my head – though it hadn't felt like a choice.

"You were safe with me," she said matter-of-factly. But she came and sat on the toilet seat rather than leaving as I suspected she had planned to do.

"We didn't know," she said watching my face.

"I know." I flicked my eyes at her.

"Good," she declared grabbing one of the magazines she'd brought in for me and flicking it open indicating she was done with the topic. Ah Pam, so sentimental. I sighed to myself contentedly, as I relaxed deeper into the water making it slosh against the sides of the bath. She was just what I needed. "We can't kill him. We're not allowed," she added after a pause, just as unemotionally.

"Pity," I said matching her casual tone. She smiled a fangy smile at me and put down the magazine.

"The Queen has ordered that he must stay on the staff. He is her spy in Eric's camp, that they are not on friendly terms works in her favour." She wanted to be sure I understood this was not their choice, that they had to comply. I shrugged and blew at a little island of bubbles, changing its trajectory to float away from my face. I found I had little to no interest in what Bill did or didn't do. I had some other things to catch up on.

"Did the Queen leave?" Taking that creepy Andre with her I hoped. Pam looked a little surprised at the direction of the conversation but answered me anyway.

"Yes the same night. She doesn't like to be away from New Orleans for long." I thought about what else I'd learned, what I was ready to talk about. Pam started to sniff her way through the various toiletries that sat on a shelf near her.

"My cousin, Hadley, she's a vampire?"

"Yes. She is the Queen's child." Even though she was the reason Bill had been sent after me, I was glad to know she was still out there somewhere, I had so little family. I doubted Hadley had the forethought as to what would happen when she spilled all my secrets to the Queen, she probably just thought it was a good story. She'd always been prepared to do anything for attention but she wasn't generally malicious.

"I thought she was dead," I tried to explain to Pam.

"She is." Pam just sounded confused.

"I mean, dead dead, ages ago, from drugs or something. She disappeared and we didn't hear from her again. I'm glad to know she's OK."

"You mean just 'kinda dead'," she smirked. I could tell she and Eric had laughed a lot over that. She was watching the bubbles in my bath carefully as if she could disperse them with just her gaze. I quickly checked I was still well covered, though she'd seen everything when she stripped me and put me in the water anyway. "I wonder if she tasted like you. I don't think the Queen would have turned her if she did, at least not for a while longer, it changes the flavour." Something else different about me, like the telepathy and strange 'coma' reaction to stress. I wondered what it all added up to.

"Do I really taste that different?" I asked.

"Yes," Pam said simply, not shifting her gaze from my bubbles. "I wish I'd tasted your brother when I had the chance. Too late to know now, he'll just taste of cat." She pulled a face to show it wasn't a flavour she'd enjoy.

"It's a good thing too, I don't want you all snacking on him just for comparisons sake." Pam's face took on a dreamy expression as she had a fantasy moment. Since I suspected it was to do with biting both me and my brother in the same sitting I interrupted it.

"But why do I taste so different?" I pressed.

"Who knows?" She shrugged, her eyes hovering around my neckline. "Everyone tastes different. You're a good vintage." Her eyes sprung to mine and looked at me meaningfully. "It is lucky for you that you are under Eric's protection. Most vampires are not good at savouring a rare flavour. They get over excited and just drain them." She wasn't threatening me, but she was trying to say more than her words.

"I feel like a talking wine bottle," I grumbled slightly, not as put out as I probably should have been as I tried to grasp what she wanted from me.

"You should be proud of it, it's better than being just like everyone else." She looked insulted by my being insulted.

"I only ever wanted to be like everyone else," I whispered.

"I don't see why. Most humans are irritating, pathetic creatures that vampires would have wiped out completely if they weren't edible."

"Pam you used to be human you know," I pointed out.

"I know, don't remind me. It was horrible, though at least I had the sense to know it even then. Most humans have no idea how pointless their lives are." Not all vampires had so little time for humans but Pam had less patience than most, perhaps from working at the bar so much. Still I felt the need to defend my species.

"Pam!" I almost sat up in objection but then remembered I was naked in the bath and stayed under the bubbles.

"Really, if Eric hadn't found me," she was looking at me significantly again. OK, I got it, Eric's protection order, whatever it was. She wanted to make sure I knew he'd been looking after me all along. It was the same reason she'd made the point about them not knowing about Bill.

I'd planned to speak to Eric directly about it but since she seemed so determined to talk about it now I decided not to beat around the bush. "So what is it exactly? A protection order?" Pam looked very relieved at my question, I suspected she'd been told she couldn't talk about it unless I asked.

"Exactly what it says, you are under Eric's protection. After the incident with Longshadow he realised that both your talent and your scent would make you a target for many vampires. Bill is neither old enough or important enough to properly protect you, Eric or even I could easily have taken you from him." I got the distinct impression this was something they had considered and even discussed doing. Of course things might have been different had they known Bill was acting on the Queen's orders but she'd said she'd refused to intervene on Bill's behalf when he'd asked so maybe not. I couldn't be sure why, but obviously they hadn't gone through with any plans to 'take' me. "His weakness was why Bill's plan involved keeping you away from all other vampires. I understand he purposely introduced you to some of the worst in the area to scare you off the rest of us." I remembered meeting Malcolm, Liam and Diane. It made perfect sense now that Bill had set that up, and that the incident had coloured my impression of all vampires excepting him. How did I not see it at the time? I pushed that aside, there was nothing I could do about it now.

Pam continued, "Protection orders are usually placed on humans that are especially useful, it means harsher penalties for any vampire that harms them. In your case, Eric wanted to keep you below radar as much as possible so, instead of announcing the protection order, he charged Bill with maintaining your care. Your status was kept quiet but should any vampire show too much interest or try to hurt you Bill could inform them they would be violating the order. It also meant he had to report everything regarding you to Eric, since any attack on you would be tantamount to an attack on Eric's business interests."

On the one hand I appreciated Eric was trying to protect me, on the other hand it really isn't that flattering to be considered a business asset like a piece of land or a file cabinet. Then again just because I was useful to Eric's work didn't mean he didn't see me as a person too – that is, not 'just a human' but an actual person. Sure, lots of the stuff he'd done for me might be about looking after a valuable tool, but holding my hand, talking to me, listening to me, that was more, I knew it was.

When it came right down to it, it was because of the business side of things that I could handle my debt to him. It had been in his interest as well as mine for him to keep me out of prison and provide what I needed to do what I do. After all I had done things for him too, helped him when he needed it. It lightened the load to something I could live with.

The protection order was before the sharing though. Before he and I had drank from each other simultaneously, changing our connection to something completely different. Did Pam know about the sharing? I thought she probably did but I couldn't be sure, she'd never mentioned it to me and so I didn't dare be the one to state it outright. Judging by her following comment, she did know.

"Now of course, any attack on you is the same as an attack on Eric himself. His scent is not so noticeable any more, since you were sick, but those in the area have been told you are contracted directly to him making you 'his'." She rolled her eyes when I frowned. "You are his in a way more similar to me than as a pet," she explained. Pam knew I didn't like the whole ownership thing, but I had already understood what she was saying, that my status was a sign of my importance, my worth, the only one available to a human in vampire society. It was the comment about his scent that had thrown me.

I knew I was still connected to Eric, I had felt him when he came to see me, but Pam seem to be saying that connection was no longer obvious to others. I was no longer 'discernably' under his protection as he'd put it to Bill. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Eric made me feel safe and I truly believed the blood sharing thing had been about my safety. Had I messed it up when I fell ill? What did that mean now?

We were silent for a long time. I wanted to ask about the blood ties, the sharing and the severing she'd mentioned before I slipped away, but I felt it was a conversation I should have with Eric. I finished my bath and Pam put me back to bed. I was getting sleepy and I could tell she was ready to leave.

"Pam," I said. She looked at me.

"Yes?"

"Tell Eric I'm glad he won't lose his bail money." She gave me a big grin and I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

Eric's words are from: Fjölsvinnsmál from a website called Jörmungrund, the translation also found on that website reads.

Long have I sat

on my loved hill,

waiting for you night and night;

now has come to pass

that which I hoped for:

you have returned,

lover, to my hall.

(well OK it originally said waiting day and night and I tweaked it) I thought the words very fitting, so I pinched them ;) The original translation I read (above) translated the words as 'lover to my hall' (very fitting). However I should note that other translations have this as 'dear youth'. For my context I prefer the 'lover' translation, but I suppose given Eric and Sookie's relative ages 'dear youth' works too :) The line is said by Menglad to her lover Svipdag so the term in its original context is one of endearment - sorry my Old Norse is not good enough to know if I have made a boo-boo regarding gender specific terms.

Call it artistic licence and think of it as Eric remembering oral tales from his human youth and adapting them to his current situation.

This is the last of the daily posts I'm afraid, I'll try to update again asap. Obviously there is much more story to come, Sookie still has things to learn about herself, Bill needs to suffer (a lot) and Eric and Sookie need to figure out how to be Eric-and-Sookie while still being Eric and Sookie (frustrating pair that they are). On top of that there more action too xx