OH MY GOSH! I FORGOT TO MENTION LAST CHAPTER ABOUT HOW WE NOW HAVE OVER 400 REVIEWS! THANK YOU SO MUCH! So, just like every time we get a new hundred, I give a double update! Sorry, it's a day late, but it'll have to do.
Oh and a HUGE THANK YOU to asdfghjklblah for giving me ideas on this chapter even though she didn't mean to. Love you, Caitee!
Oh, and the letter was majorly influenced by My Wish, by Rascal Flatts. If you know the song, you will be able to pick up on it.
Disclaimer: Do I own Big Time Rush? No, no I do not.
"What?" Carlos whined when he and Logan walked into the room. "I was right in the middle of polishing my helmet!"
Kendall held out the envelope in a shaking hand. Logan grabbed it and stared at Kendall. "Is this what I think it is?"
Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "I'm guessing it is. Do you think we should read it?"
"I don't know, Kendall," Logan said. "If this is what we think it is, and we read it, there's no going back. We'll have to live with whatever it says."
"I think we should read it," Carlos said. "Obviously, James believed whatever this is to be important enough to write it down."
"I guess that's that," Logan sighed. "Go ahead and open it, Kendall."
Kendall took a deep breath and opened the envelope. With one last look at Logan and Carlos, he began to read out loud.
Dear Kendall, Carlos, and Logan,
If you're reading this, then I guess that means that I either lost my fight against the cancer or I'm about to. For that, I would like to apologize. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to beat this and I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend while I was here. But there's nothing I can do about that now. There are, however, some things that I would like you to know now that I'm not there.
First and foremost, do NOT blame yourselves in any way, shape, or form for what happened to me. Do you hear me? This is in no way any of your faults. There is no one to blame for what happened to me. But I believe it was supposed to happen. I believe that this sickness is bittersweet in the way that although it ended this way, I was happy the way I was. Of course, I scared and there were times I wished it never happened, but it was still a blessing in disguise. It brought me closer to you all, and for that I will be forever grateful to it.
Now, I want to tell you what I want for you and your lives. I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slowly. I hope that each road leads you wherever you want to go. Please remember that whenever one door closes, another one opens, and there will always be a window waiting for you to find it. You need courage to find that window. Please, give each other the courage they need.
You will have to face choices in your life, everyone does. Please, if you can't decide, if you're afraid of it, choose the one that means the most to you. Listen to your heart. If you do that, then this life will become all that you want it to. Your dreams will stay big and your worries small. Please remember that you don't have to carry all your problems by yourself. There will always be someone there to help you. I promise you that.
Too many people live their lives with regret. Don't be one of them, no matter what you do. Forgive and forget, live by that. Grudges will hold you down and that's not what I want. I want you all to be the best that you can be, but you have to let go of the little things people have done to you to do that. 'What if' are two words that will kill you. Don't give them the chance to do that. Never leave any stone unturned, I promise you it will be worth it.
You are all going to be something great someday, I can feel it. Even though I'm gone and that probably means Big Time Rush is no more, you will still be something great. Don't let my death hold you back, please don't do that. It is the one thing I do not want for you to do. If you must cry, then cry. If you must mourn, then mourn. But please, please, don't let it stop you. You can all be so much. Don't let this loss stop you from being who you are supposed to be. Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened. I know that's what I'm doing.
Since you will all be so great and successful someday, don't forget where you came from. Don't forget the small little town we came from and who you are. Remember those you love, remember where you came from, because there will be times that's the only thing that will keep you on the ground. Stay modest, stay humble, and help somebody every chance you get. Always forgive. Always give more than you take.
I know how I would feel if one of you was in my position. I know how I would think I would never be able to move on. I'm not going to ask you to forget about me, I know that you wouldn't be able to do that. But I also want you to be able to move on. You don't have to forget about all the times we've had together, but you can't let those hold you down. If you only focus on the past, there will never be any room for the future.
Please be strong. Be strong for my family, your family, each other, and yourselves. When one of you has no strength left, I want the other two to be the ones who hold you up. I don't want the loss of one of us destroy the other three's friendship. Please don't drift away or abandon each other. That would destroy me. These next few months will be so hard, and you're going to need each other to get through. I promise though that it will get better, easier. You find your greatest strengths in your moments of weakness. Be strong, stay strong. And sometimes being strong means being able to let go.
Don't let this just be a time of loss and sadness for you. Let this be a lesson. Let it be a lesson about life, about love, about family. You only live once, but if you work it out right, once is enough. Work it out right. Live each day to its fullest and never go to bed angry. Tell the people you love how much you love them. Don't let fear of rejection stand in your way of telling that special girl how much you really care for her. You never know when your last day will come, so live each day like it was. Do this because the tragedy of life isn't that it ends so soon, but because we wait so long to begin it.
Be a best friend to each other and everyone else you meet. Always offer a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear because we all need one, but not all of us are offered one. Please, offer that to as many people as you can. Tell the truth. So many relationships are destroyed by a lack of trust. You can prevent that. Just tell the truth! I promise that everything will work out in the end of you're just honest! Don't try to outsmart your common sense. When there are times you just don't know what to do, always go with your instinct. Don't overthink these things, it always just backfires on you.
I know you think that my death is just me leaving you, but that's not true. It's not true at all. I will never leave you and I will always be here to watch over you, to help you. Don't think that this is the end of our friendship, because it's not. Whenever you feel alone, whenever you feel like the world has abandoned you, sit down, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. I will be there. I will never leave you and I will always be there through everything, the good and the bad. Think of me, and I promise you that you will feel me. You'll be able to feel me in your heart because where I'll always be. Never think that you are alone because no matter what, I am there. I always have and I always will. We promised each other that we would be friends forever and always be there for each other. We promised that we would always support each other because we are brothers. I am a man of my word, and I plan to keep this promise.
Saying goodbye isn't the hard part. It's what we leave behind that's tough. What I'm leaving behind is the toughest thing I've ever had to do.
I love all you guys,
James
Kendall looked up after reading the letter with tears in his eyes. He looked at Logan and Carlos and saw the tears in their eyes too. He reached up a shaking hand and quickly wiped them away and carefully put the handwritten letter on James' bed. Carlos felt his knees go weak and he kneeled to the ground. Those were James' last words they just read.
Logan sat down on the ground too with a numb expression on his face. His mind was having trouble comprehending what he had just heard. What did it mean? Why did he write this?
Kendall sat down with them and put his head in his hands.
After ten minutes of dead silence, Carlos spoke up. "Does James think he's going to die?"
Kendall looked up and saw the fear in Carlos' eyes. He's not the same Carlos he was seven months ago. He's different, he's more mature. Kendall kind of missed the old Carlos, but he loved him just the way he was. "There's only one way to find out, Carlos. Let's… let's just get dressed and go to the L.A.C.C. We'll ask him about it there."
Kendall got up and helped his two friends up too. He ushered them out of the room and closed the door. He leaned up against it and slowly went back to the ground. He looked over at James' side of the room and closed his eyes as tight as he could. Despite his efforts, Kendall could feel the hot tears roll down his cheeks, onto his neck, and in his shirt. He didn't bother wiping them away. He would never admit it to anyone, but he couldn't deny the truth.
Kendall was scared.
"James Diamond's room please," Logan said to the woman working the front desk at the L.A.C.C.
"He'll be in Room 211," the woman said.
"Thank you," Carlos said as the three boys took off. They hadn't said anything to each other the whole car ride over. Kendall could feel James' letter burning in his pocket, but he made no motion to it. When they walked into James' room, they saw Mrs. Knight sitting in a chair, reading a magazine. They saw Katie sitting on James' bed and James had his arms around her, a needle in his arm.
"Mom? Katie?" Kendall said hoarsely. "Can we have a moment alone with James?"
With a confused look on her face, Mrs. Knight nodded. She took Katie by the arm and led her out. James sat up straighter and stretched. "Hey, you guys."
"When were you planning to tell us?" Kendall asked bluntly.
"I don't know what you're talking about," James said, eyebrows bunched together.
Kendall took out the letter and threw it at him. "Why did you write that?"
James noticeably paled when he saw what Kendall threw at him. "Where did you find that?"
"It was sticking out from under your pillow. Why did you write it?" Kendall asked bitterly.
"Are you going to die, James?" Carlos squealed.
James shook his head. "I'm not going to die, Carlos. I wrote that because in case something happened, I didn't want anything to be left unsaid."
"When did you write this?" Logan asked.
"Right before we left for my first chemo session," James said his head hanging.
"James, when do the secrets stop?" Kendall asked calmly. "There is so much you haven't told us. I don't like that. I thought we told each other everything. Let me know when you decide to stop these secrets."
Kendall threw one last look at James before storming out of the room. Logan and Carlos gave an apologetic looks to James before going off after Kendall. James hit the side of his bed in frustration. He looked at the letter lying innocently behind him and he groaned. They weren't supposed to see that. He didn't want them to see that. James looked around and realized he was completely alone. He didn't like being alone. That's when James put his head in his hands and he began to cry.
That took A LOT out of me. The letter alone took me the most though. I really wanted to make it sound good. Although I didn't really like the end, I still really liked the way this turned out and I hope you all did too. Again, thank you all for getting me past 400 reviews. Let's try and get to 500!