Filing Errors and Second Chances

Harry blinked and looked around in confusion. He appeared to be in some sort of office while a strangely familiar looking blonde was paging through a file and glaring. "Where am I?" he asked cautiously, while reaching for his wand only to find that not only was he not carrying it, he was in fact completely naked.

"The afterlife," she replied, not even glancing up as finished reading the file. "We died, we ended up here, and now we have to go over all the mistakes we've made," she explained.

"We?" Harry asked, scooting closer to the desk so it at least protected his crotch from her gaze.

"We," she repeated. "You don't have the background to understand and I don't feel like explaining it at the moment so let me sum it up. The only fair judge for a person is themselves, infinity is more than just a word, and we have the same soul."

"This is it then," Harry said with a sigh as he pushed aside most of what she'd said and focused on what he understood. "We failed and Voldemort won."

"Don't be so melodramatic," she said, rolling her eyes. "After we die, Tom Riddle usually manages to make enough of a mess of things that his own people off him in a matter of months."

"You're kidding," Harry said.

"Not remotely," she assured him. "The pure bloods hate most of their allies, look at how the werewolf laws are, so once they no longer need them, everyone is backstabbing everyone else and Tommy Boy is expected to rule over that and have things work out? He's an insane asshole with a rapidly degrading mental state. He is his own worst enemy, which is often literal as one of his enemies gets ahold of a Horcrux more often than not and becomes another Tom and fights him for power."

"But that still leaves a Tom in charge," Harry pointed out.

"The soul can only take so much damage before losing its grip on life," she explained. "No, his existence is limited. There is a reason we aren't up to our necks in immortal pricks after all."

"That is a huge weight off my mind," Harry said. "OK, I'm ready, tell me what I've done wrong and send me to my final destination."

"Nah," she said, taking one more glance through the file and tossing it in the basket on her desk. "Our biggest sin Is false pride and Dumbledore purposely conditioned us to have that."

"What?" Harry asked confused.

"False pride, in this case the belief that we are responsible for everything," she explained. "Our saving people thing and guilt over the actions of others is actually something that a senile old goat fucker meticulously planned out and conditioned us to have, thinking it made us a better person."

Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times before sitting quietly for a moment deep in thought. "I would love not feeling responsible for everything, but... saving people, its just the right thing to do."

She gave him a full and unrestrained smile for that comment, causing him to move even closer to the desk while trying not to blush. "Most of the time it is, but we take it to extremes. It is one of our good points, but we really need to temper it with a little rational thought and planning."

"I'm not going to argue with you there," Harry said, recalling a panicking Malfoy nearly pulling him of his broom and into the path of a wave of fiendfire.

"You know what? We have enough good karma on the books, how about we send you back and see if you can do a better job the second time?" she suggested. "I mean, one of the things we wanted was a big family and we didn't even get a chance to practice what we needed to do to get one!"

Harry laughed. "Yeah, I will agree with you there. If there was any time I wished I had less morals it was in that area."

She grinned. "I know the feeling. I ended up gaining Veela traits and still died a virgin."

"The only thing that fucked us was life," Harry said with a sigh. "Hell, if I go back filled with all the stupidity Dumbledore programmed into me, wouldn't everything just turn out the same?"

"We'll sort that out before sending you back," she promised. "So, what do you say?"

"How far back are we talking here?" he asked cautiously. "I mean, I don't want to go through puberty again, much less my childhood with the Dursleys."

"Right there with ya," she agreed. "I was thinking the start of fifth year. You have finished your OWLs, reached your majority, and delivered a final warning to the wizarding world at that point and can legally and morally depart."

"I could drop a letter to the Prophet about the falling teaching standards at Hogwarts being the reason I'm withdrawing as Umbridge doesn't even have a NEWT in defense," Harry said with a grin. "I could save Sirius!"

"Do I take it you approve of the idea?" she teased.

Harry jumped to his feet and cheered, only stopping when he saw her smirk and remembered he was naked. He quickly dropped back into his seat.

"We'll make a quick visit to a mind healer and then send you back," she decided. "Should take all of... time doesn't really exist here, but it'll seem like a half an hour or your entire life, maybe both, " she said, coming out from behind the desk.

"Can I get something to wear?" Harry asked covering his crotch with his hands.

"This is the afterlife, there are no clothes," she said shaking her head. "The problem is you are wearing shame and embarrassment."

"What?" he asked confused.

"Do you see any clothes on me?" she asked.

"No," he admitted slowly, realizing he didn't, but at the same time she didn't seem naked the way he was either.

"Relax and let it go," she ordered him, looking in his eyes. "Its a part of life and that's over, for now."

Harry took a deep breath and let it out, forcing himself to relax, before standing up, letting his arms fall to his sides. "OK, I'm ready."

"Good," she said giving him an encouraging smile, "if you'll follow me." She opened the door to her office and waved him out into the hall.

It looked like he imagined it would, a version of the ministry where everything was light and shiny and new. Something seemed off, but he paid it no mind, concentrating on keeping his embarrassment at bay.

"Right this way," she said, grabbing his hand and leading him down the hall.

They passed numerous offices and a plethora of people, many of whom stopped to stare as the pair went by. Harry was used to that sort of behavior so he ignored it. Once they'd reached the elevator Harry was able to relax a little, safely out of public view once more.

"What happens to the prophecy if I don't play my part anyway?" he asked as the elevator started up on its own.

"Over half the prophecies the Wizarding World collects fail to come true," she explained, "the globe goes dark and the Unspeakables try to figure out what changed. They are what might happen not what will."

"Good, I was afraid I was going to damage reality or something," he admitted.

The elevator dinged as it reached their destination and the doors slid open revealing an endless obsidian plane.

She pushed Harry out the door as he looked around, searching for who they were to meet.

"Greetings!" a voice boomed from above, causing Harry to look up and see that the source of the voice and the light in the room were one and the same.

"Is that..." he began.

"Yes," she agreed. "Five rings of fire circling a multiwinged being with a continually shifting form where only the blue eyes and the single slightly folded and twisted horn rests. J'lah'svan archangel of music and the mind, father of the unicorn."

"I was going to say a crumple horned snorkack," Harry replied.

"CLEAR YOUR MIND," the voice of the angel thundered and Harry felt a sharp pain in his skull.

Harry blinked and looked around. "What just happened?" he asked curiously as he found himself standing with his female half in front of what looked to be a replica of Stonehenge made out of freshly cut green stones, not a single one missing, with a silver cord extending from his navel into the center of the circle where a swirling whirlpool existed.

"Oh, you're back with us," she said surprised. "Joel really did a number on you or whatever the opposite would be since he completely unfucked your head."

His mind felt completely... clean. He could look back over his memories with perfect recall and see where he'd been influenced and prodded by people and magic. "Ah," Harry said as he straightened up. "OK, and... why are you dressed?" he asked confused, as his instant recall kicked in and he looked at the scene with fresh eyes.

"You expected me to walk around naked?!" she demanded, sounding horrified.

"What?! But?!" Harry sputtered, before glowering. "You told me there were no clothes in the afterlife and had me walk around naked!"

She grinned, completely unrepentant. "I say a lot of things. You were the one who bought it."

"You had me walk around naked as a joke?" he half asked half stated, clearly not amused.

"Only in part," she said, suddenly serious. "In the afterlife you don't need to eat; souls absorb manna from the surrounding environment through their exposed skin and manna not only feeds the soul it also heals it. Now do you understand why I did what I did?"

"Yeah, I can see the sense in it, but why the confundus about everyone else wearing clothes?"

"How you treat yourself is important," she explained, "and while I may have played a prank on you it was because it would directly benefit you. The more open and relaxed you are, the more manna you absorb. The fact that I found it hilarious was just icing on the cake."

"Put like that I understand," he said. "So... how does the confundus on asking your name help?" he asked with a grin, easily seeing through that as well.

"It helps me, because Mom sacrificing herself to save me just barely makes up for what she named me," she replied.

"It can't be that-" he began.

"She named me after her sister."

"I stand corrected," Harry said. "If it helps you don't look at all like a Petunia."

"That does help," Petunia agreed, "not enough to make up for the name, but a bit."

A slowly growing keening noise began to rise from the whirlpool and Harry felt the silver cord pull on him.

"Well... this is where I leave you," Petunia said. "Do me a favor?"

"Anything," Harry replied.

"Live for us. Have loads of kids and loads of the things needed to get kids! Have fun, and don't let anyone push the guilt for others' actions on you."

"I promise," he said, pulling against his cord to give her a hug.

Petunia noticed he wasn't letting go as the keening noise got louder and he began to be pulled backwards. "Harry, you have to let me go."

"Nah," he said, squeezing her tighter as she tried to pull loose.

"Harry the portal is only set up for one soul!" Petunia warned him nervously.

"Yeah, ours," he replied, picking her up and leaping backwards, allowing the whirlpool to draw them both in.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The compartment door slid shut in front of him, but he barely noticed as he looked around for someone who wasn't there. "Damn, I was hoping that would work," Harry said.

While disappointing he was used to being alone so his plans remained the same: point out the falling standards at Hogwarts, blame Umbridge, withdraw, leave country before they could stop him. Hopefully Sirius would come with him, but if it came down to it, Harry would depart on his own; he'd sacrificed far too much for the Wizarding World and gotten far too little back in return, it was time for him to get a life, one he deserved.

"Hoot!"

Harry turned and saw Hedwig demanding he open her cage.

"OK, not completely alone," he admitted with a smile, overjoyed to see his familiar alive and well once more. He opened the cage and she hopped onto his shoulder and started trying to groom his hair. He reached up and stroked her as he made plans, completely unaware of the evil grin he was sporting.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"That was fun," Ron said sarcastically as they entered the compartment.

"Being a prefect is more than just throwing your weight around," Hermione said, "and fun or not it's part of the job you accepted when you put on the badge."

Harry paid the two no mind, absorbed in his game of chess.

"Hoot!" Hedwig declared, tapping a pawn on its head twice.

"Yes, Miss," the piece said moving forward two spaces.

"Bit of a ballsy move," the green pawn directly in front of the piece said.

"This is just the opening gambit," the red pawn replied with a grin, twirling its footman's mace, "ballsy will be when we lay down our new field of grass. A thin layer of green all over the board!"

The green pawn laughed. "I find blood the best fertilizer, so bring it on! If you're hard enough."

"I've never heard the pieces behave that way before," Hermione said, surprised.

"Normally we're just playing friendly matches," Ron said, "this is... a grudge match I'm guessing."

"Why are you playing a... grudge match against Hedwig?" Hermione asked Harry.

"It's not a grudge match, just one with a serious wager," Harry replied before sending his knight out.

The red pieces cheered as the red bishop spooked the green knight's horse, causing him to be bucked off.

On opposite sides of the board a pair of unguarded pawns tried to sneak forward in the excitement only to provoke the wrath of the queens of their respective territories.

The red queen rose up from the shadow of the green pawn. "Vae Victis!" she hissed into his ear before sinking her teeth in the side of his neck and drinking deeply. The green pawn struggled against the stronger piece but he was quickly drained and cast aside, turning to sand as he hit the board. Even the other red pieces nervously shivered as the green sand cascaded across their feet.

The green queen was more direct. "Imperious Rex!" she declared leaping across half the board to land directly on the poor pawn, crushing him into gravel and cratering the space he'd been standing on. She quickly used his remains to fill in the hole, smoothing the gravel with a delicate looking slipper clad foot.

The red bishop had the green knight pinned to the ground as he all but stood on his back, censer chain gripped in both hands as he strangled the knight to death. "And he who sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed!"

Red gave out a resounding cheer as the green knight's struggle ceased and he lay still under the red bishop.

"What did you bet?!" Hermione exclaimed in shock.

"Winner gets to decide what Hedwig's new name is, loser has to go to France," Harry replied absently as his familiar scanned the board with her predatory gaze, searching for an opening.

"Yeah, that'd do it," Ron said watching the game eagerly.

AN: I found Reptilia28's 'Don't fear the Reaper' challenge interesting and thought I might toss a couple of chapters at it.

Typing by: Lohoydo