Minktales

Issue 34

An Emotionutty Cartoon
starring
Minerva Mink

"Minerva; Queen of the Jungle"

Once upon a time; far away in a deep, dark jungle, there was a mink. The mink wasn't very strong, or very fast, but she was smart, and she was very, very beautiful. Because of that, all the creatures of the jungle feared her, and every time they heard her heavenly singing, they would either stare directly upward, or run for cover, because that was when they knew that Minerva would be swinging by.

Minerva smiled as she swung forward on an actual swing made of vines, and a board that she'd built into the jungle a long time ago.

"Well, what did you expect?" she asked, "I'm not clinging to some old vine, while it rushes through the forest."

The Jungle Queen's clothing consisted almost entirely of a orange and black spotted fur ensemble, arranged into a sort of sleeveless tunic that showed off her long, slender arms and shoulders, as well as her neck. It was belted at her waist by a thick chord, made of green vines woven together, and continued down past her waist by about a foot, which meant that the better part of her legs were left bare. She also wore, however, cloth socks made of the same, furry material, tied to her ankles in the same way.

The ensemble was the result of one poor creature that had once fallen off a cliff with shock when he'd tried to hunt Minerva, and after mourning him for a couple hours, Minerva had decided that he shouldn't go to waste, and had taken his fur for her usage. Before that, she'd worn mostly dresses ordered out of the sears catalog, but the fur ensemble was much more comfortable, and more stylish too, for a jungle queen.

However, there was one creature who had the courage and bravery to attempt to hunt the much-revered mink, and that creature was Newt, the jungle hound.

"I'm going to catch that Mink once and for all!" Newt growled to himself, "I'll grab it right around its scrawny little neck and throttle it, pound it against the ground, then shake it back and forth, and stomp on it for good measure. Grr... growl... snarl..."

For quite some time, Newt continued to growl and snarl louder and more ferociously, until he looked more like a cloud of dust than a hound, and sounded something like a lawnmower, showing no sighs of slowing down.

Then, suddenly, Minerva's vine swing came to a stop, and she alighted right in front of Newt, then slowly, patiently said, "Hi."

Newt froze where he was, all his growling and snarling ceased. Even though the same emotional energy still coursed through him, he couldn't let out even a single "grr." All he could manage, when he tried very, very hard, was something that sounded largely like a wheezing noise, then, exhausted from the effort, Newt tumbled over, not like a person falling to one side, but like a million grains of sand falling into a pile. Smiling, Minerva continued happily on her way back to her tree house. Whatever twist of fate had made males the hunters of most jungle species, she though, was responsible for her queenship over the jungle.

Newt knew, from that moment on, that if he wanted to catch Minerva Mink, he needed to design a clever trap that didn't amount to a frontal assault, so he set his first trap just outside of Minerva's house; a rope tied into a noose, buried in the sand.

"Once that curvaceous Mink steps on this trap," Next muttered to himself gleefully, "she'll be yanked up into the trees by her ankle. Once that happens, I can come up with any number of plans to get her down and into my clutches."

Quickly, Newt hid in the bushes and waited for Minerva to leave her house. He was only waiting for a few minutes, however, before she stuck her head out of the front door, and saw the rope.

"Ooh!" she exclaimed, "This must be the chord to call the butler, or maybe it's hooked up to the doorbell!"

Then, she yanked the rope with one hand and let go, watching sadly as it vanished into the trees above.

"Well, that was disappointing." she said sulkily, as she headed back into the house, and indeed, it had been a disappointment for Newt too, and no less so moments later, when a very large safe fell on him from above.

Newt's next plan was a pit in the middle of the woods, covered with leaves, and although it was a simple enough plan in concept and execution, he had a feeling it might work. However, as he heard Minerva Mink approach, and hid in the bushes, he could barely help but watch.

As Minerva stepped forward towards the leaves, however, she continued across, as if the pit didn't even exist, and as Newt watched in simple shock and horror, she continued on her way, leaving behind three lovesick-looking moles and a wolverine.

"They must have moved dirt into the hole when they saw her coming!" Newt muttered ruefully, "But where did they get the dirt?"

Newt got his answer all too quickly, however, as the ground caved in underneath him, and he fell a great distance.

Newt's next plan was truly brilliant, he thought to himself. He fitted a doorway over the edge of the jungle, leading to the open field, where a group of man-eating lions was resting, then put a sign over the door, reading "This way to the dreamy, handsome guys."

"She won't be able to resist this one." Newt chuckled as he hid in the bushes to watch.

Sure enough, Minerva came along in no time, and seeing the sign, immediately yanked open the door in a frenzy, and ran inside, closing it behind her. For a few seconds, Newt smiled, expecting at any moment to hear the sounds of a violent struggle. Then he waited for a minute... Then two, then three.

Finally, Newt was fed up, and had no idea what was going on inside that door, so he opened it and the sight inside almost made him cry.

The field had been decorated with a bright purple carpet and some window blinds, held in mid-air by seemingly nothing, and all of the lions were lying on the rug, listening attentively as Minerva sat on a comfy armchair with a bowl of meat slices next to her.

"So, anyways, I told him that he just wasn't my type, and the poor man fell over. Then, I... Oh! Hello. Come on in. I'm sure the lions won't mind if there's another guest."

In fact, the lions minded very much, attacking Newt en masse as Minerva finished the meat slices and started for home again.

As the jungle queen reached her home, Newt had one more plan that he was sure would work. Placing a package into the mailbox at the edge of her tree house, he hid behind one corner of the house, to wait as Minerva approached, while he continued licking his wounds.

As soon as Minerva Mink got close enough to her house, the first thing she did was check her mailbox, and found the package inside, then opened in with a look of wonder on her face.

"Candies? For me?" she exclaimed with much false humility, "But who could have sent it? I wish they were here right now, so I could give them a great, big kiss!"

Newt's control instantly fell into the abyss as he heard that remark, and rushed forward from his hiding place, confessing "It was I, my beloved, golden river of joy!"

"Oh!" Minerva said, slowly drawing closer, and causing Newt to start sweating, "Well, I guess I owe you... a little something..."

It was then that Minerva did perhaps the cruelest thing she'd ever done to Newt. She put one of the candies in his nose, and kissed him.

Newt would have gasped if he could have. His heart rate had accelerated to warp ten, and his whole body felt like it was on fire, but he dared not try to breathe in through his nose, or the poison that laced the candy might begin to effect him, and he couldn't remove his lips from hers, because he would sooner have died.

Still, Newt's pulse kept going up and up as Minerva maintained her position there. For second after torturous second, Newt continued to suffer the agony of suffocation, turning blue as he clung to his life with one indomitable will, and the vision before him with the other, daring not to give up either one, but knowing for a fact that if she didn't force herself away in a moment, he was done for!

Fortunately for Newt, Minerva Mink did indeed back off, just at the last second, giving him only a moment to take a sharp breath through his mouth and removed the poisoned candy from his nose. She tossed the remaining candies into the garbage bin nearby, made from a hollowed-out tree trunk, and smiling one last time as he coughed and sputtered.

"Stay out of trouble, now, and don't forget who the queen of the jungle is."

Newt spent the next four hours washing his nose inside and out, before he was satisfied that its poison levels had dropped to normal, and he was still gasping for breath through his mouth for most of that time. He hadn't been able to beat that mink. He'd failed, and he hadn't gotten her fur, or the reputation that defeating her would surely have brought. On top of that, he'd been thoroughly humiliated, as Minerva had demonstrated the law of the jungle in action once again. However, as Newt spit one last time into the lake, causing several fish to swim off in different directions, he couldn't help but feel that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't got the worst of the situation after all...

The End

Minerva: "Hey, I don't think he's sorry either! Not too shabby. On the next Minktales, it's back to business. I have a haircut to get, and I feel so sorry for that poor hairstylist, that I have to reward him for putting up with me, but how will he take my kind of 'reward,' and how deep does the reward run? It's a dramatic story about the heart's inner workings when Minktales returns!"

Alright. It may be a little bit before any sign of vampires shows up, but don't worry. I'll get to that in time. As for Minerva's family affairs, there are actually a few more cartoon episodes to get through first, but I'll be getting to that too, within a few weeks. I've actually already finished writing up the plot for that part of the story, but as it's such a powerful story about big changes in Minerva's life, I've postponed it for several issues. I should also mention that this issue, and the next one, are the last issues I wrote in a rush, so bare with me, and if you can enjoy them, that's good too. The quality only goes up from here, in my opinion.