A/N : I started at a new workplace today, so the next update might be coming up after a few weeks.
Where Do We Draw the Line
Part 2 :Chapter 14
"You can keep the house," Dean said to Lisa without any hesitation. "And keep the car, you have to keep the car," he added hastily, and Lisa smiled amusedly. They were sitting in the living room of their house and were sorting through things, and Sam had agreed to act as their third party bookkeeper after both Dean and Lisa had asked him, they had all felt it was the best choice since Sam knew about Dean and Castiel and he wouldn't start picking sides if there would be a fight.
"I'll keep the car, but we're going to have to sell the house. I can't afford to maintain it all by myself and I don't even want to live in a big house all alone. We'll split the profits," Lisa countered and Dean got her point, and surprisingly enough money wasn't really something they were fighting about, they had already agreed to split all costs caused by their divorce between them, and they had never had an actual shared bank account, just the one where they both put a certain amount of money each month that would be used for food and bills.
"Okay, so that's the property sorted out. How are you going to divide all the stuff you have?" Sam asked after he finished typing on his computer, he was writing everything down in legal terms so that there would be no confusion as to who got and what.
"Well. I think we can both agree on the things that are clearly ours, and on the ones we alredy had when we moved in together," Dean said and Lisa nodded in agreement. They decided to split their mutual possessions with their incomes in mind but with fairness as well, it wouldn't do for one of them to take all the expensive stuff. They spend almost an hour dividing their stuff before getting tired and deciding to stop for a day.
"You are doing really great," Sam complimented the who exhausted couple with him and Dean raised his hand in acknowledgement of the compliment even as he sunk deeper into the couch. Dean knew how things could be going between him and Lisa, and he was more than happy that they were agreeing on things so easily.
"So, are you two going to talk about Dean and Castiel?" Sam asked after a few minutes of easy silence and turned the atmosphere in the room highly unpleasant in seconds. Dean was fairly willing to tell Lisa what she wanted to know, but after their first conversation a week ago she hadn't wanted to hear about Castiel, and Dean had respected her wishes.
Dean quirked an eyebrow and looked at Lisa questioningly, Lisa might not want to talk about it, but Dean's affair with Castiel was something they needed to discuss so that they could both have some peace of mind. She took a deep breath and chewed her lip thoughtfully, though she didn't look very happy about the direction things seemed to be going.
"I guess there's not much point in delaying it anymore," she admitted reluctantly. Sam put his laptop away, clearly prepared to play the mediator between Dean and Lisa.
"You sure about this?" Dean asked, and after Lisa nodded he he accepted the fact that he would have to talk about this now, though he wouldn't have minded some time to prepare. Lisa was quiet and Dean didn't feel like starting this chat either, so the responsibility fell for Sam, and as far as Dean was concerned he had asked for it when he brought the topic up.
"Okay, um, how about you both tell your sides of this, and then we can see if we can find an understanding. Or something like that," Sam suggested, but when neither Lisa or Dean said anything he sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes.
"You two are so-. Fine, I'll say what I think first. I like Cas, and I happy that you're happy, but I don't think it was fair of you to not tell Lisa about him immediately. I don't know which one of you made the first move, but the second one should have been to tell your wife about what happened, and that was your job," Sam said and gave Dean a hard look before turning his attention to Lisa.
"But I do think you should have just let Dean get away with his bullshit so easily either. You should have opened your mouth and talked to Dean, that's why I told you to try counseling. This could've all been solved months ago if one you would've had the guts to do what was right," Sam's voice rose slightly at the end. Lisa and Dean glanced at each other guiltily, both of them recognizing the truth in Sam's words.
"I started it," Dean admitted quietly after a moment. Sam stared at him in surprise while Lisa looked away, clearly hurt by Dean's confession, and Dean understood her, it must have been hard to hear that Dean had been the one to make the first move and not Castiel, because that meant it had been Dean's choice and not Castiel's. It meant Dean hadn't simply allowed himself to be pulled into the relationship, he had sought it out. Dean barely noticed Sam getting up and quietly leaving the room, giving Dean and Lisa some privacy.
"I wanted him, and I tried to fight it but I couldn't, and even after the first time I kissed him I could've walked away but I didn't, and Cas has always made sure I know what I'm doing and wanted it. I don't have a good reason for not telling you about it," Dean said calmly and looking at Lisa, and while he was sorry for hurting her he couldn't find it in himself to regret acting on his feelings for Castiel.
"Did I do something wrong?" Lisa asked quietly. Dean shook his head, not quite believing she was asking such a question.
"No. No you didn't do anything wrong," Dean assured her without hesitation.
"Should I have done something else?" Dean shook his head and tried to come up with a way to assure Lisa she was not to blame for what had happened.
"I'm just trying to understand what happened. I mean, I know we had our problems before this but we weren't doing that bad. I keep thinking this is somehow my fault, that maybe if I'd done something differently we could've fixed this." Lisa looked at Dean with sadness and frustration.
"It's not your fault. I didn't go out looking for someone else, and Cas didn't try to seduce me or anything, it just happened. I can't change how I feel about him, and I can't lie anymore." Dean silently pleaded Lisa to understand him, she shouldn't be blaming herself for what had happened.
"I need you to understand this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, and there was nothing you could've done to stop this. I fell for him and there's really nothing anyone could've done to stop it," Dean said after it started to look like Lisa wouldn't believe she was not to blame for the situation.
"But you didn't have to act on it," Lisa replied harshly and gave Dean a hard glare.
"You're right. This whole thing is my fault," Dean replied without hesitation. Dean refused to start blaming people who weren't responsible for the divorce, and he wanted Lisa to do the same thing.
"So it was okay for Castiel to… start a relationship with a married man? Because I don't think it's okay," Lisa pointed out, and Dean couldn't really come up with an argument against that.
"I'm not saying I blame him for this, but there's three of us in this mess, and all of us share a part of the blame," Lisa continued when Dean didn't say anything. Dean looked at Lisa with poorly hidden amazement, and for a brief moment he wished he'd never met Castiel, because how was he supposed to let someone like Lisa go, but he quickly reminded himself that Castiel could have never come between them in the way he did if their marriage would have been working.
"I guess. I just-. I don't want you to blame yourself or Cas for the whole thing. I mean, I get your point about having a relationship with someone who's married being wrong, but he didn't start it and he never asked me to choose between him and you," Dean said and hoped Lisa wouldn't fixate on blaming Castiel fro the whole thing, he didn't want to see the two of them fighting over him.
"I'm not really blaming anyone. Well, I blame you for this getting so far. I just want to know what went wrong in the first place. And I'm not going to lower myself to the lever where I'll hate someone I don't even know, I might be angry and I might hit Castiel when I see him, but I'm not going to hate him," Lisa stated, and Dean couldn't stop the amused laugh from escaping his lips.
"You and Cas would probably be best friends if this hadn't happened," he said when Lisa got confused at his sudden amusement. She frowned a little at his explanation before smiling a bit forcedly.
"Well, maybe someday we'll get over the whole 'you slept with my husband' thing between us," she replied, and Dean hoped she was right. They smiled at each other and fell into a surprisingly easy silence for a moment.
"I wish you would've told me sooner," Lisa said in a soft voice after a while.
"Me too," Dean replied just as softly, and maybe that was as close to closure as they could get right now, with both of them still so emotional over what had happened and coming to terms with the situation. They reached a silent understanding, and Dean got up to go find Sam and tell him they were done talking. As he passed Lisa he squeezed her shoulder gently, and the thankful smile she gave him made him feel a little better.
Dean didn't find Sam, but he did find a hastily written note stuck on the fridge door. Dean frowned at the note as he read it; Cas called, picking him up from the airport, brb. Dean didn't understand why Sam would be picking Castiel up. Dean reached for his phone, intending to find out why Castiel had asked Sam to get him instead of Dean, but his phone wasn't in his pocket. Dean cursed under his breath for forgetting his phone in the car that Sam was currently driving to the airport.
"Is something wrong?" Lisa asked when she came to the kitchen.
"Sam went to pick Cas up and my phone is in the car," Dean answered and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Lisa offered him a smile that Dean returned immediately, though he couldn't hold it for a very long time. Lisa pulled a frying pan out efficiently and asked if Dean wanted to stay for dinner.
"Sure, why not," Dean answered after thinking about it for a few seconds. He wanted to go see Castiel, but he thought it was probably best if he waited for an invitation before rushing to Castiel's side. Dean would just have to wait for Sam to come back to pick him up and tell him how Castiel was doing.
"You can borrow my phone if you want to call Sam," Lisa offered a bit stiffly, and while Dean did want to call Sam and possibly talk to Castiel if his plane had already landed.
"Thanks," Dean said and took the offered phone, and went to call his brother. Sam was kind enough to apologize for leaving so hastily, and he promised to let Dean know when Castiel had landed. He ordered Dean to have a nice meal with Lisa and stop worrying, and he'd tell him how Castiel was doing, and tell him to call Dean later. Dean agreed reluctantly and returned to Lisa after ending the call, all he had to do now was to wait for Sam to either call him or come back to pick him up.
Castiel didn't want to leave Anna, but he had things that he needed to do back home so Anna drove him to the airport and made him listen to the worst pop songs she could find on the radio. Castiel let her try to annoy him, and he kept his sadness over leaving her hidden. Anna hugged Castiel fiercely at the airport with unshed tears in her eyes but the smile she gave Castiel was genuinely happy, and Castiel suspected she was happy to know she had her brother back in her life even if he was leaving her for now.
Castiel had half an hour to kill before he needed to get on the plane, so he decided to spend his time by getting himself a ride home. He called Pamela, who apologized for not being able to pick him up but her car had broken down the day before. Castiel tried to call Dean next, but when Dean didn't answer after Castiel tried a few times he sighed heavily and thought about his opinions. He could always take a taxi, but it really wasn't his top choice. On the other hand he could always call Sam and ask if he knew where Dean was, and ask him to ask his brother to pick him up. Satisfied with his plan Castiel dialed Sam, and waited for the other man to pick up.
"Castiel?" Sam's curious voice answered the phone quickly, making Castiel smile.
"Yeah, hey. Um, I was just wondering if you know where Dean is. I tried to call him and he didn't answer," Castiel explained his reason for calling, and it took Sam a few seconds to answer.
"He's with Lisa. Was there something you needed? Maybe I can help," Sam offered readily.
"It's nothing important. I was just going to ask Dean if he would've picked me up from the airport in a few hours, but if he's busy I can get a taxi," Castiel replied quickly, he didn't want to bother Sam.
"Okay, I'll be there. What time does your plane land?" Sam ignored Castiel's protestations, and in the end Castiel had to give up and tell Sam the time he would be landing. Maybe it would be good to see Sam, Castiel could talk with him and ask his opinion with the whole Dean thing.
Castiel spent the flight trying to get some sleep, but he was nervous about going home and seeing Dean again, and the flight gave him way too much time to think about it. Castiel couldn't quite ignore how much it hurt to hear Sam telling him that Dean was with Lisa, even though he knew they were married and he was used to Dean being with her. Still, Castiel had hoped Dean would have come to drive him home, and he took some comfort in the thought that if Dean had picked up he might have come to get him.
Castiel didn't sleep during the flight, but he managed to fall into a state of light slumber where he lost all sense of time, so the landing came as a surprise to him. He didn't hurry as he left the plane and went to get his luggage, but Castiel didn't want to keep Sam waiting for too long, so after he got his bag he went to find Sam, who was rather easy to spot from the mass of people due to his height. Castiel smiled and walked to Sam with surprisingly relaxed steps. Sam smiled brightly at Castiel and waved as soon as he spotted him, and Castiel waved back easily.
"Hey. Let me get that," Sam greeted Castiel and pointed at his bag. Castiel gave the bag to Sam only because the other man was looking at him with such earnestness in his eyes, otherwise he would have carried his own belongings without complaint. Sam guided Castiel to his car while recounting the events of his week without going into much detail. Castiel felt bad for making Sam worry about himself, but at the same time he was a bit taken aback by it, he hadn't thought Sam would be so concerned over him, he had expected Sam's concern to be directed at Dean.
"How is Dean?" Castiel asked when Sam started the car. Sam glanced at Castiel while trying to keep his attention at the traffic around them, and bit his lip thoughtfully before answering.
"He's fine. He wants to talk to you," Sam replied eventually, and Castiel suspected he was being denied some important information. He raised a skeptical eyebrow at Sam who stared at the road in front of him stubbornly, though Castiel could tell there was something he wanted to say to him badly.
"Dean told me what happened," Sam said in order to fill the suddenly fallen silence. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine. My jaw doesn't hurt anymore," Castiel answered lightly, he wasn't really in the mood for a deep and emotional talk about feelings, but from what Dean had told him Sam had a knack for those chats.
"You know Dean never meant to hurt you, right?" Sam asked with concerned note in his voice. Castiel breathed deeply before saying anything, he wanted to think about his words and while he knew Sam was right about Dean not wanting to hurt him it didn't change the fact that he had, in fact, hurt Castiel.
"I know. It doesn't change the fact that he hit me. And it's not just that hurt me physically, I can handle that, it's that I trusted him not to do that to me, and that hurts a lot more than a bruised jaw," Castiel explained and hoped Sam would understand his point of view, because Castiel wasn't sure he could really put it into words.
"I get it, trust me, I grew up with him, but I hope you can understand that Dean has his issues. He told me you're going to Europe," Sam glanced at Castiel for confirmation, and after receiving a nod he continued. "Well, Dean has a bit of an issue with abandonment, so you going to the other side of the world is bound to make him feel like he's cornered, and Dean lashes out when he feels like that. You're too important to him and he can't deal with the idea of loosing you," Sam explained, but he didn't sound like he expected Castiel to forgive Dean immediately, and Castiel was grateful for that.
"I don't want to hurt him, and if Dean want's to follow me across the world then he's free to do so, but I can't just stay here and wait for Dean to have time for me every once in a while. I need to live my life in a way that's best for me and if that means moving to Europe then I can't let this thing between me and Dean get in the way of it. Besides, he'll still have Lisa," Castiel said after a while.
"What if Dean wasn't married? Would you stay here with him?" Sam asked with an air of nonchalance that Castiel blamed on the sensitive subject and Sam being too kind to get his hopes up.
"I don't know," Castiel replied sadly. "But if Dean wanted he could always come me," he continued with more relaxed tone.
"But you'd think about it, right? Because you could be with him every day and there'd be no one but you for him," Sam pressed, earning a questioning glance from Castiel, who didn't quite get Sam's sudden insistence on the matter.
"I have thought about it. I just really want to go to that school, even for a little while. I mean. who knows, it might not be my thing after all and then I'd be moving back here," Castiel said as neutrally as he could, mainly because while he liked Sam he didn't know him well enough to be sure of his motives behind the tenth degree he was giving to Castiel.
"I just don't want to see anyone getting hurt if it can be avoided," Sam said like he could see what was going on in Castiel's head. Castiel glanced at Sam suspiciously before deeming Sam's words true and relaxing in his seat.
"I'd like that too," he replied, though he didn't believe it would be possible for him and Dean to get through this without some damage. They fell quiet after that, but Castiel didn't mind, the silence wasn't uncomfortable, though Castiel wasn't quite ready to call it comfortable either. Sam kept glancing at Castiel every once in a while, but he stayed silent until they reached Castiel's apartment.
"I can take you to buy something to eat if you want," Sam offered, though Castiel suspected Sam had an ulterior motive of some kind for the offer. Still, Castiel took the offer simply because he wasn't really up to walking and taking a taxi to the grocery store wasn't something he liked to do. He guided Sam to his apartment, and the nervous energy emanating from him made Castiel eye him suspiciously. Sam was clearly containing a giddy smile, though he was doing it rather poorly.
The reason behind Sam's giddiness became clear when Castiel stepped inside his apartment only to find it in a lot neater shape than he had left it in. Castiel eyed the apartment with curiosity and wonderment while Sam smiled brightly and studied his reaction closely.
"What happened in here?" Castiel asked with awe, turning to face the still smiling Sam and trusting he had some answers for him. Sam looked around the apartment with an overly serious frown and hummed thoughtfully.
"Well, it would look like Dean decided to play house maid and clean up," Sam observed thoughtfully, and if Castiel wouldn't have been too busy wrapping his mid around the fact that Dean had cleaned up his apartment he would have wondered how Sam managed to keep a straight face through his act.
"You're shitting me," Castiel had to say, he hadn't thought Dean had it in him to do something like this for him. Sam shrugged, dropping the act and giving Castiel a sympathetic look.
"It's his way of saying sorry," Sam explained and shrugged his shoulders. Castiel nodded slowly and went to take a closer look of what Dean had done to his home. Castiel had to swallow around the lump in his throat several times as he looked around his home and found out that Dean had cleaned the whole place up. Castiel wanted Dean there by his side so he could tell him how much he appreciated the gesture, he wanted to hold Dean tight so he could feel just how much Castiel loved him. He wanted to push Dean on his bed and kiss and caress every part of him to make sure there was no doubt in Dean's mind of how much he meant to Castiel.
In the end Castiel had to admit that no matter how much he loved Dean at the moment, he had to accept that Dean had hurt him, and Dean was still married so there was really no future for them. Castiel collected himself and went back to Sam, who was waiting for him in the living room.
"No one's ever cleaned my home for me before," Castiel admitted to Sam with a slight waver in his voice. A look of surprise flashed on Sam's face before settling on understanding and support taking over his features.
"Can we just skip the talk for now and go get me something to eat?" Castiel asked, and against Dean's constant insisting Sam nodded and waved Castiel to lead the way.
"What are you going to get?" Sam asked with a cautious note in his voice, and Castiel paid back Sam's earlier act of exaggeration by thinking about the question intensely before answering.
"I feel like making pasta with chicken and avocado," he replied after a long moment. Sam's face light up at his words, and they fell into an easy conversation about healthy food and how horrible Dean's eating habits sometimes were. In the end Castiel ended up promising to cook dinner for Sam and Jessica on Saturday, though he knew that Dean would most likely be coming with them, it didn't really bother Castiel at that moment, he was just happy to make a new friend.
A/N : Facts about this chapter
1) The whole bank account thing is actually pretty much like my parents solution to handling their money.
2) Avocado and pasta is seriously one of my favorite foods ever, and I have no idea how to make right it because my mom won't let me know the recipe she uses.