Just so you know this story's end is soon. There is about 3 or 4 chapters left.

Okay, you're probably going to hate and be confused with Shawn for a couple of chapters.

While Cory was sleeping on my chest, I thought about sex in another way.

The sex was amazing, we even went a few more rounds…but…I couldn't stop my mind from wondering. I couldn't stop wondering about all the girls I had slept. Now that I realized the big deal of someone sticking their penis inside you, I realized how wrong I was for leading them on.

I was a terrible person. I am a terrible person.

I must be.

There I am laying next a wonderful man in great college dorm that somehow managed to get and I for some reason I can't feel satisfaction.

My mind kept going back and forth. I'm happy. I'm not happy.

I banged my head on the pillow. What is wrong with me? What can't I be fucking fulfilled already?

"Hey, there" I heard Cory laugh smiling up at me, "How you feeling Shawnie?"

I wished I could've let him in. I wished I could have talked to him. But I didn't want to ruin this over what may be nothing.

"I feel great Cor"

%%%%%%%

I was in student union getting a latte, when I noticed a hot blond guy in a purple scarf looking over at me. I nodded acknowledging him. He walked up to me smiling. "Hey Elvis"

I laughed. He was referring to my hair, I had it kind of curled up a little in the front with a few free stands. I had to admit it looked it a little Elvis.

I curled my lip and said in deep voice, "Thank ya, thank ya very much."

I kept giving me these sexy eye looks. I couldn't help to find myself doing it right back with a flashing smile. I didn't mean to do it...I just did it.

Then I felt a pair of arms around my waist, "Hey Shawnie"

Cory rested his head on my shoulder. He gotten extra affectionate now that his sex drive had been activated.

Hot guy laughed, "I'm Cameron."

I shifted back to the guy, "I'm Shawn and this is my friend Cory."

Cory looked at confused, "Friend?"

"Oh" I panicked just real realized that I had made a huge mistake. "Boyfriend I meant boyfriend."

Hot guy nodded, "Oh so you two are together."

"Yea" I kept panicking, "Boyfriend and boyfriend, we have sex and everything."

Hot guy chuckled, "That's cool. I'll see you two around." He nicely waved walking away.

Cory had already taken his arms off me, "Shawn you called me your friend."

I took a drink of my coffee, "It was just a slip."

Cory wasn't going to let up.

"Shawn was that because you were afraid to say that you were gay?"

I shook my head, "No. This is not a gay thing. I'm over that."

It was true. I wished I had that excuse right now.

"Then what is it Shawn?"

I looked at the clock on wall, "Listen I got to get to a class. Let's not get into this." I kissed him, "I love you. It's nothing, but I verbal slip. Please let it go."

Then I walked on hoping to believe in the words I was saying.

%%%%%

After we came back from having dinner at the Matthews, I knew Cory needed to "talk". No, nothing dramatic happened. But during dinner I was very quiet and kept stuffing my mouth. Why was I stuffing my mouth?

Okay I'll admit to you. I'll fucking admit. The whole time was eating with Matthews I had this raging need to run down to the nearest bar or liquor store get a drink.

Come on. I was starting this scary world in college. My passive boyfriend is mad me and I can't say that did nothing because a part of me thinks that I did. Hot guys are flirting with me and I want so bad badly to flirt back, yet I don't want because still I love Cory. I've had to spent my life jumping form one problem to another, never being able to happy. Yes, I want a dam drink.

Cory seemed to catch on.

"Why can't you just tell me how you feel?" He nagged sitting down on our bed.

"I don't know" I shrugged "We were not even sure how we feel."

"We?" He raised his eyebrow, "Shawn I'm sure, but I don't feel that you're sure."

I took a breath this was not going to turn out good, but he deserved to know, "Part of me thinks that I want to be free, but I still very much have feelings for you. And that scares me. I don't know what do to with these feelings."

"Give in to them Shawn. Then you'll be in love someone that's in love with you. Isn't that what you want?" He pleaded.

I took his hand and stared at him whispering. "You're a wonderful person Cory."

I started to see him look pained "Isn't that what you want?" He repeated.

"I don't know what I want" I got up and yelled, "I just confused okay. I don't think…I don't think I'm ready for this."

"I opened my heart, soul, and everything I have to you." He cried. "I can't just sit around waiting for you to be ready."

"I know Cor, you deserve so much better."

He shook his head and bit his lip, "I'm done"

"Done? Like were breaking up?"

"Isn't that what you want?"

I couldn't answer that.

I felt myself shaking, "Are we still best friends?"

He went quiet. He was really crying.

"Maybe I should stay somewhere else for at least tonight." I said throwing some of my clothes in a bag.

And I walked out.

I walked out leaving Cory in tears.

%%%%%

"Let's face there's something wrong me." I yelled crying on Angela's bed clutching my bag.

"Nothing's wrong with you." She sat next to me and consulted. "You're just hurting and when you're ready, you'll meet someone new."

"I don't wanta meet somebody new. I'd probably screw that up too." I explained. "It's me. I had something great and I blew it."

"Shawn…"

"What if I'm incapable of loving some body? What if I can't do that?"

"Shawn…"

There was a knock on her door, "Angela, Topanga is on phone for you."

"I'll be right back Shawn" She told me before leaving the dorm.

I opened my bag and pulled out my mom's lipstick. I kissed the bottle, "I wish I was as strong as you Veronica."

Still holding the lipstick, I went the bathroom to wash my face.

"I don't need a drink. I don't need a drink." I kept repeating rocking back and forth.

I heard Angela walk in and put her arm around me, "That was Topanga, she's staying at your place tonight with Cory."

"Really?"

"Yea, come on you know that Cory is crying to Topanga just like you're crying to me."

I hated that I made Cory cry. "How is he?" I choked.

"Well, Topanga said she hopes he'll be okay. She said they're going to eat ice cream, watch lifetime, and have a good cry."

"They would to that" I nodded.

"Yea, that is them. But do you want to know what I think we should do."

"What?"

"Shawn, were movers and shakers. I say that you get cleaned up and put on those black jeans that make your ass look great. I'm going to put on some make-up and that strapless black dress. There's a party somewhere at this college and we were going go to it."

She was right. Angela and I were more of the party type. And it did sound fun.

I looked in her bathroom mirror, "Yea"

%%%%

Angela and I were having fun dancing together, when I felt a tap on my shoulder, "Hey Elvis"

I turned to find Cameron behind me, I smiled, "Hey"

"Oh perfect" Angela cheered, "He's hot Shawn." She shifted her eyes and whispered, "You deserve to relax and if something bad happens, you come and find me okay?"

She gave me a peck on the cheek them smiled at him and walked away.

"Where's your boyfriend?" he sweetly asked.

I took a breath, "We broke up"

"Oh I'm sorry…may I ask why?"

I rolled my eyes, "We just both felt that we should you know…explore"

That wasn't the truth but I wanted it be.

He nodded, "So can I get you a wine cooler?"

I know I should have said no. I could've just said no and he would've said okay and we would've moved on.

But for me nothing can be that simple in my life.

"I would love one."

I am my own antagonist.

I've pushed away my own chances of happiness

I must go to my mistress that is my own nature

Alcohol, oh alcohol I call you to make me forget

I call on you that you convince me that I'm happy