Chapter Thirty-Four: The Mistakes of an Old Lion
I apologize for the wait... but did you know something? I've had this story going for over a year now. That's a pretty epic story! Thanks to all the readers; more will come soon! This chapter is pretty chill, really just winding down before the final twist. Enjoy!
When they got back to camp, Snowstar did not welcome Lionpaw. He was in his cave, with Bluefur and Curlclaw. Everyone else was waking up from a troubled sleep, or picking through the measly pile of fresh-kill.
After giving Lionpaw a gentle lick over the ear, Cricketpaw went off with Frostpaw and Rowanpaw, leaving Lionpaw alone with Brightpaw and Buzzardflight. Brightpaw gave Lionpaw a side-long look, and padded over to talk to his father, who was crouched in the shadows, eyes gleaming. They spoke quietly, and Lionpaw tore his gaze away from the pair to glance briefly at Buzzardflight. The gray-furred lion was staring at Cricketpaw with a pained expression.
"She still hasn't forgiven you, huh?" Lionpaw guessed quietly, scratching his claws into the dirt absentmindedly.
Buzzardflight shook his thin mane, and lashed his tail. "No," he answered stiffly, looking frustrated. "I wish... I wish she'd understand. It was my duty to serve Snowstar. I wanted to stay here with her, really, I did. But..." He rolled his shoulders in a tired shrug.
Lionpaw touched a tail to his friend's flank. "Look, mate... if you care about Cricketpaw, you'll make it up to her. Apologize, tell her you were a moron... the latter seems to work best with females," he added at a jab at humor. Buzzardflight chuckled darkly, and then sighed, sitting down on his haunches.
"Er- look, I know this really isn't the right time. But... I mean, I know me and her are in a fight right now, but, er- we're kinda... together," Buzzardflight finished lamely, looking utterly uncomfortable as he went on. "And I mean, I know her dad's Snowstar, but I can't exactly ask him... so, er... I mean, it's fine, right? You and me, I mean- we're fine, if I choose her?"
Lionpaw's whiskers twitched in amusement. "Yeah, it's fine. I'm glad you two have found each-other." He paused, relieving Buzzardflight for a moment, before adding, "Of course, if you hurt her in any way, I'm going to have to injure you, mate. Probably a leg- a nice, broken leg." Lionpaw flashed a smile, silently telling Buzzardflight that he knew Cricketpaw would always be safe with the gray-furred lion.
Buzzardflight returned the grin. "Understood." He grew quiet, and they gazed at the Clan for a moment, their minds jumping to different topics. "So... you and Frostpaw, huh?" Lionpaw was taken aback by the turn of topic, and he shrugged. It was his turn to be uncomfortable.
"Yeah. She's... well, she's perfect. I can't believe I didn't see her sooner."
Buzzardflight's whiskers twitched in amusement. "Maybe it's one of those revelation things."
Lionpaw gazed at Frostpaw across the clearing, feeling something drop in his heart as his eyes followed her graceful body, her silky fur. She was perfect. "Yeah, probably."
"See... after the Clan discovered Longfang's treachery- or after we found Pebbleheart's body," Buzzardflight said quietly, "It's easy to let the darkness take over your mind. It seems impossible to find hope, or any light. With death and trickery every turn..." His voice trailed off. "But then- then I see Cricketpaw. And I know that I have something to protect, something to feel hope for. This can't be the end of the Clans. Because me and Cricketpaw have a future. So do you and Frostpaw, and everyone else here."
Lionpaw listened, and found himself agreeing with Buzzardflight, even though his friend didn't really understand what true darkness was. He had never felt like he was falling into a black, fathomless hole, to die in shadow and never feel joy again. He hadn't been the one to become entangled in Pebbleheart's life, the one to discover the lies behind the murder of Firerunner, the one to fight Longfang in the storming rain.
"So... what now?" Buzzardflight asked after a long moment.
Lionpaw looked up at the sky, thinking of Pebbleheart and his dream with her last night. Are you there, Pebbleheart? Are you watching your Clan? "I have no idea what comes next," Lionpaw replied at long last, turning to look at Buzzardflight steadily. Their eyes met, and finally, for a brief moment, they were warrior-to-warrior. Lionpaw had never felt older, never felt this full of responsibility. "But... whatever does come, LightningClan will defeat it. We have to." His answer was so simple, spoken with such reverence, that Buzzardflight seemed to accept it easily.
"Look... I know it's been tough for you. So I just wanted to say, thanks. I know it doesn't begin to cover it- in fact, thanks seems to be a ridiculously small a word to elapse the things you've done for LightningClan- but I truly mean it. You are a real warrior, Lionpaw."
Touched, and filled with overwhelming respect for Buzzardflight, Lionpaw nodded deeply. The gray warrior stood up, and began walking away quietly. Lionpaw watched as he walked across the camp, and neared Cricketpaw. At first, Lionpaw's sister ignored the gray warrior, but at last she turned to walk away with him. To talk in private, probably, and to make up. Lionpaw silently wished Buzzardflight good-luck before getting up, shaking himself, and finding Brightpaw standing before him.
He took a step back, startled. "Brightpaw!" He couldn't help a crooked smile to fall over his mouth. So much had happened lately, and he hadn't had any real time to spend with his best friend. He realized with a sweeping ache that he missed his striped friend, and from the hollow look in Brightpaw's eyes, he felt the same.
"Want to take a walk?" Brightpaw offered quietly.
Lionpaw gazed around. Nobody seemed to be going out to hunt- after the turmoil these lions had gone through, something as small as hunting seemed impossible- but the simple activity would calm Lionpaw, and clear his mind. He needed time to think, and discuss things with someone. He couldn't think of anyone else than Brightpaw he'd rather do it with.
And even though the threat of Longfang and his warriors was still in the air, Lionpaw knew that they would not attack again, not so soon after their plight last night.
"That sounds great," he replied. Lionpaw quickly told Emberfoot, who was padding by, where they were going. The tall warrior stared at them with strange new respect in his eyes, and he nodded solemnly.
"I will tell Snowstar where you've gone," he said quietly, and with that, Brightpaw and Lionpaw left the camp, and escaped into the lush jungle.
The smells overwhelmed Lionpaw's senses, and he found his muscles relaxing, his taut bones moving in the freedom of the jungle. A grim quiet seemed to have settled over the camp, but out here in the jungle, the birds sang, the small creatures in the bushes moved, and the frogs croaked. Out here, it was easy to forget about the problems looming over the camp and the mounting storm approaching all of the Clans.
The two friends walked in silence for a while, their coats brushing, tails dragging a bit in the underbrush beneath their paws. They had both grown a great deal over the past few weeks, and new muscles sprouted under their thick skin, as well as tufts of soft mane bristling along Lionpaw's neck. It was clear that Brightpaw was going to be a huge adult, already slightly taller than Lionpaw, and his powerful stride made the ground shudder just a bit.
"It's so hard now," Brightpaw sighed at last.
Lionpaw glanced at his old friend. "What do you mean?"
Brightpaw was quiet, ears twitching. As he'd grown, his stripes had stretched and faded slightly, and weren't as obvious under his thick fur coat. But they were still there, little black fingers stroking his fur, making him just a little bit different, just a little bit stranger. "You're different, Lionpaw."
Lionpaw pricked his ears. Of all the things he'd expected to hear, this was certainly not one of them. "Yeah... how so?"
His friend paused, thinking carefully. "It's just... you've always been my only connection to the Clan. I'm an outsider, Lionpaw, just as much as my father. But I've always been able to live with it, because of you and Frostpaw. Well... now, you're like a hero. You're the great son of Snowstar, probably the future leader of LightningClan. And now you and Frostpaw are a thing.
Which- don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you two. It was about time you two accepted the truth." He smiled vaguely, but the words were coming out quickly now, rambled and rushed, as if all the thoughts that had been broiling on his mind lately, were all lining up and spilling out of his mouth at the same time. "But it's just... different. You're still the great furball I've always known... but you've matured in a way that has nothing to do with age."
Lionpaw was quiet for a moment, taking all this in. "I feel different," he confessed softly."I feel... poisoned. Like all the things I've been involved in have... touched my very soul. I don't feel innocent, Brightpaw. I don't feel like an apprentice. I feel like a warrior who's fought a hundred battles."
Brightpaw appraised him, eyes glittering. "I wish I could help," he whispered. "I know you're in pain, and I want to help you. But I don't understand your kind of pain. I don't know what it's like to fight a murderer, what it's like to unravel a huge Clan secret..." His voice trailed off.
They padded in silence for a brief moment, each taking in what the other had said.
"I wish things could have been different," Lionpaw murmured. "I wish you, me, and Frostpaw could have had a normal apprenticeship. We'd all romp in the forest, and hunt, and worry about hunting tests, not who's going to get slaughtered tomorrow. You and I could hate Rowanpaw with a passion, and we'd spend days plotting ways to annoy him. And eventually, Frostpaw and I would fall in love not in a time of war, but in a time of peace. And you could finally find peace within LightningClan." Lionpaw's voice cracked, and he felt a small, but powerful longing in his heart as images splayed across his mind. He had been cheated out of a normal life, and would forever be plunged in one of secrets, danger, and risk. It was his fate.
"I think that our tragedies make us great," Brightpaw replied, voice very quiet. "You're the warrior you are because of what's happened, and I think that's a great thing." He nudged Lionpaw gently on the shoulder, and Lionpaw looked at him, eyes grateful.
"But... we're growing up," he sighed. "I don't want to face the future. I don't want to think about the loss in our futures, of the war... of Longfang."
Brightpaw shook his head. "The future is split two ways, Lionpaw. Yeah... it's gonna be tough. Bad things are going to happen. But good things are going to happen. Good things are happening. And living is about pushing past the bad things to see the good things."
Lionpaw gazed at Brightpaw for a long moment, their eyes locked, and he know Brightpaw was right. He had his friends... he had the Clan... he had Frostpaw. That thought alone was enough to make him stand back up after falling down.
"You're the best friend anyone could ask for, Brightpaw," Lionpaw told his friend with a small smile.
"I know," Brightpaw replied shortly, grinning. He gave Lionpaw a shove, and Lionpaw laughed, shoving his friend back. He knew Brightpaw was right, and he believed him. Good things would happen. He just had to wait for them.
"When you two are quite done flirting..."
Lionpaw and Brightpaw spun around, and Lionpaw was shocked to see Frostpaw behind him. Her head was high, her ears pricked, and she looked triumphant.
"Frostpaw!" he exclaimed, padding towards her. "How- did you- this whole time-?"
"Yes, yes, and yes." She had a gleam of amusement in her eyes. "And, just for the record, I think falling in love in a time of war is romantic."
Lionpaw flushed slightly, and he shrugged. "Yeah... well..."
"You're amazing," Brightpaw remarked, approaching her and narrowing his eyes, as if trying to understand how she managed to follow them this whole time and not come up on his radar.
"We didn't even smell you... I feel like an idiot..."
"Probably because you are an idiot," Frostpaw told him, flicking her tail at him fondly, before turning to gaze at Lionpaw. He smiled crookedly, feeling a little sheepish.
"Just for the record... I think it's pretty romantic, too," he admitted.
Frostpaw rolled her eyes, and padded over to stand between her two best friends. She seemed to be sizing them up. "It's hard to imagine how far we've come. It seems like yesterday that we left the nursery."
"I'm going to be the biggest," Brightpaw boasted. "I've grown so much in the past few weeks- look at this muscle-"
"Show-off," Lionpaw muttered. They laughed quietly, and then lapsed into silence, listening to the forest around them. It was comforting, being with the two lions Lionpaw cared about most.
It was just like old times- the three of them back in the forest, alone, off on some obscure hunting duty.
"Well... I'm going to head back to the camp," Brightpaw said finally, glancing meaningfully at Lionpaw and Frostpaw. "I'm rather tired... I'll see you two later." With that, he gave them a final, unfathomable look, before turning and racing into the jungle. At last, his noise of him crashing through the trees grew softer, and at last Lionpaw and Frostpaw were alone.
Frostpaw gazed at the endless jungle around them, ears pricked. "He's still out there... isn't he?" she murmured.
Lionpaw knew exactly who she was talking about. "Yeah. He is."
She looked anxiously at him, true fear in her eyes now. "Will we win, Lionpaw?"
He gazed down at her beautiful face, feeling uncertain. But he could only give her one answer. "Yes. I know we will."
Frostpaw met Lionpaw's eyes, and he saw a million things reflected in them. He saw fear for the future. Love for him. Excitement for their future together. She murmured things that couldn't be put into words, and slowly, pressed her muzzle into his thick neck, where they stayed close, eyes shut tight. They drank in each other's scent, memorizing this moment, swearing to never forget it.
"I love you," Lionpaw breathed.
"I love you, too," came Frostpaw's gentle, delicate voice, like a beautiful bird's chime tickling his ear. She wrapped around him, purring softly, and shivered against his fur, until they seemed to be one soul. Her shining eyes looked at him, and he was shaken by the amount of fear suddenly in them. "I'm scared, Lionpaw." Her voice cracked.
Lionpaw gazed down at her, feeling like he was protecting a beautiful, fragile bird. But Frostpaw wasn't fragile. She was strong, and though he knew she could keep herself safe, he wanted to protect her. He rasped a tongue over her ear, and said quietly, "I told you I'd protect you, and I meant it, Frostpaw."
She gave a shuddering sigh, and seemed to let herself fall against him. "I know, Lionpaw. I know."
He gave her a hearty nudge. "Hey. Come on. It's all work out. I promise."
She smiled halfheartedly. "If only I could believe you."
They began walking through the trees, back to the camp.
"Believe me," Lionpaw said simply.
Back in camp, everyone was moving. The air was cold, but the camp, usually busy with noise and laughter, was strangely quiet. Nobody seemed in the mood to talk.
Pebbleheart's body had been buried last night, when Lionpaw had been in the jungle. The elders had the honor of burying her body, which had been cleaned and laid gently to rest. Lionpaw knew she deserved that more than anything. All the same, her den was achingly empty, like a claw missing from one's paw: it was too weird. Amberpaw was still grieving, currently sleeping where she usually slept with her beloved mentor, in the cool shadows of their den. Lionpaw made a mental note to go visit her later.
Lions were trying to establish order back in the ruined camp. The queens and the other apprentices were rebuilding the wall where Longfang had shattered it with his huge followers. The senior warriors were out hunting, to gather food to give the Clan back their energy. Bluefur was seen flitting throughout the Clan, clearly standing in for her mate, who was nowhere in sight.
Curlclaw was nowhere to be seen, either. Lionpaw had a sour feeling in his stomach when he gazed at the leader's den, thinking back to his promise to himself from the jungle last night: to apologize to Snowstar.
"I'll see you around," Frostpaw said quietly, touching her nose to his before turning away to go help the others rebuild the thorny wall protecting their camp. He watched her leave, then reluctantly turned, and began walking towards his mother, who was telling Rowanpaw off for something.
"We're in a state of danger, here," the bluish warrior was growling, her lips pulled back in an antagonized snarl as she stared down her nose at Rowanpaw. "And you find it wise to be horsing around like a little cub? Perhaps I'll have Snowstar change your name back to Rowankit?"
Rowanpaw stared at her with poison in his eyes. "Snowstar isn't doing his job as a leader right now, let alone with the ability of renaming an apprentice," he muttered. Lionpaw cringed, knowing Rowanpaw shouldn't have said that as soon as he saw the fire in Bluefur's eyes.
"What did you say about Snowstar?" she demanded.
Looking intimidated, Rowanpaw scrambled back a foot or two, tail lashing. He suddenly noticed Lionpaw approaching at his mother's shoulder, and his eyes narrowed before flashing at Bluefur. "I said nothing," he sneered, and turned away without another word.
Bluefur stared after him with frustration in her eyes. Lionpaw touched his tail to her shoulder sympathetically. "He's a pawful, that one," he said quietly.
"I have no idea how a lioness as sweet as Foxsong created a lion as vile as him," Bluefur muttered to herself, shaking her head as if trying to clear her mind from Rowanpaw's troublesome words. They clung to the air like poison. Snowstar isn't doing his job as a leader right now, let alone renaming an apprentice... As much as Lionpaw disliked Rowanpaw, he had to admit that the lion was right about one thing: Snowstar wasn't doing his job. His Clan needed him desperately... and where was he?
Holed up in his den.
Lionpaw closed his eyes, fighting the surge of anger he felt towards his father, and looked up to meet his mother's eyes. "Don't listen to him," he told her softly.
Bluefur shook her head. "I can't keep them from the truth. Lionpaw, your father..." Her voice trailed off, and then she turned to look her son straight in the eye. "Snowstar is one of the greatest leaders in the jungle. He loves LightningClan, and has always supported us. I think that... he becomes not a lion, but a statue that always saves the day. It's hard to think of him as someone like you and me. Someone with feelings that can be hurt, a heart that can be broken, and a soul that can be tainted." She paused, considering her next words. "We take his greatness for granted, and in the small times that he needs us, we don't understand. It's time to change that." She nodded at him.
Lionpaw knew she was right. He'd come to think of Snowstar as the good guy who could swoop in and save the day no matter what. Feeling ashamed, he realized that his father was every bit as breakable as himself, and it was wrong to be angry at him. Snowstar needed someone to tell him it was okay, that things were going to work out. Slowly, Lionpaw knew that the only lion who he'd believe was not his mate, nor his new deputy- but his son, the lion who told him he was a failure only hours previously. Stinging with repulsiveness at his selfish actions, Lionpaw hid his eyes from Bluefur, and wrapped his tail around his leg.
"I'll talk to him," he promised quietly.
Bluefur sighed out in quiet relief. "Thank you, Lionpaw." She reached over, and placed her muzzle on his head for a brief, quiet moment, before they broke apart, and she disappeared into the shadows by the wall. Lionpaw blinked after her, and sighed. It was time.
Hesitantly, Lionpaw made his way through the camp, and up the rocky path that emptied out into Snowstar's dark, safe den. He paused a moment before entering the grassy veil, and suddenly had second thoughts. What if...?
"Lionpaw?" A pair of eyes gleamed out at him, and Lionpaw swallowed hard. It was Curlclaw. The great lion slowly strode out of the den, his gleaming, curling claws extended as he walked.
He came to a stop in front of Lionpaw, face cocked.
"Hello, Curlclaw," Lionpaw murmured, dipping his head respectfully.
Curlclaw twitched his tail. "I assume you are here to speak to your father?"
Lionpaw met the wise lion's gaze, then let his eyes trail over his back, to where the mouth of the den gaped at Lionpaw, like a huge cavern that never ended. His eyes flicked back to his deputy. "Yeah. I- I have to apologize."
Curlclaw narrowed his eyes, measuring Lionpaw up, before shaking his thick, dusty mane and growling low in his throat. "He needs you now, more than ever. Good luck, young one," he added quietly, before slowly brushing past Lionpaw and making his way down into the heart of the camp. Lionpaw dipped his head, eyes closed, and took a deep breath as he neared the mouth of the den.
"Snowstar? It's Lionpaw. Can I come in?" he murmured.
There was a brief silence, and then, a soft growl. Lionpaw lifted his head, flattened his ears, and stepped into the veil, brushing past the long, green tendrils growing across the mouth of the small cave and entering the jagged crevices. He let his eyes adjust to the darkness, and then saw his father, laying in a bed of dried grass and leaves, his head between his paws. His huge, snowy white frame took up most of the den, and his great eyes were closed as his son entered.
Lionpaw gazed down at him, and cleared his throat. "Sir?"
Snowstar slowly opened his eyes, and they widened as he saw Lionpaw. He lifted his shaggy, angled head, and Lionpaw saw the deep lines of exhaustion on his face. "Hello, Lionpaw," he sighed.
Lionpaw stiffened, and was unsure of what to say.
Snowstar evasively watched him through dark eyes. "I must look like a fool to you," he whispered.
There was a silence as Lionpaw moved towards his father, wishing more than anything that he could comfort him. "I don't think that, Snowstar," he said quietly.
Snowstar's eyes bored into him for what seemed like years before he slowly sat up, and shifted his body to stare at the wall of his cave. There, Lionpaw realized for the first time, were drawings on the wall, marks and lines, like some ancient language was silently speaking to them. Snowstar did not look away from them as he spoke. He sat, gazing unblinkingly at the strange marks as if gazing at the stars. Lionpaw stood a ways off, silent, wondering what would happen now.
"Sometimes, I think about the day I will die," Snowstar said suddenly, voice soft but full of strength. "I think about all the things I've done in my life... and I wonder, in my last moments... will
I be happy? Will I be satisfied with the life I tread upon this earth?" He turned, ears pricked, eyes wide, to glance at his son, standing like a statue by the cave mouth. "You do not understand, Lionpaw. You are young, your soul untainted by the evils in this world. But one day, you will be sitting here... and you will know what I mean when I say, I wish I had more time." He shook his head slowly. "I am a flawed lion, and I hope that StarClan will one day be able to look at me with forgiveness. But there is not enough time in the world for what is right. You... Bluefur... my daughters," he added quietly. "There is never enough time to be with you. And no matter what you think of me, Lionpaw- I want you to know that I wish it, too. That I wish things could have been different. What if?" There was a ghost of a smile on the leader's mouth now.
Lionpaw dipped his head, ears flattened. He said nothing.
"You are a great Lion, my son," Snowstar said quietly. "And I make mistakes so that you can learn from them. I chose the wrong lion- just imagine, if I had chosen Firerunner far before I had to name a deputy. Imagine... what would instead be the present?" He sighed, looking older than ever before. "I will always be ashamed of what I did, but you- you have everything ahead of you. I wish you will take your life, and do your best with it. Learn from my mistakes."
Lionpaw closed his eyes, drinking in every word his father said. "I will, Snowstar."
Snowstar sighed deeply, and when Lionpaw opened his eyes, there was new peace on his face. "One last thing, Lionpaw. I ask you to forgive me. I am an old lion who made old mistakes... and I want your forgiveness."
Lionpaw held his breath, and knew his answer even before he spoke it into the cold air. "I cannot forgive you, Snowstar, because I ask for the same thing. I'm sorry for shouting at you... I wish I could take back those words. Because you are not a failure. You are one of the most amazing lions I'll ever meet, and I want your forgiveness."
Snowstar smiled softly. "Of course I forgive you."
Lionpaw breathed out in relief, feeling like a great weight had been lifted from his chest. "Thank you... thank you. And I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago." He answered his father's small smile.
Father and son met eyes, and, for the first time in a long time, a certain peace settled over both of them. Lionpaw knew now that, while gazing into his father's eyes, that things would be okay. When they had Snowstar, everything would be fine.
"I'm sorry about Pebbleheart," Snowstar said suddenly, voice soft. "I- I know she was special to you."
Something tightened behind Lionpaw's eyes, and he swallowed hard. "That was before," he replied quietly.
Snowstar turned his head to the side. "Before... what?"
Lionpaw drew a shaky breath. "Before I realized that we had separate paths. She's better now... with StarClan. She visited me in my dreams last night," he admitted. "And she's- she's at peace. At last."
Snowstar narrowed his eyes. "I'm happy for her. She deserves a final resting spot, after her troubled life."
Something in Snowstar's voice startled Lionpaw, and he frowned, slowly realizing it. "You knew all along... didn't you?" he asked quietly.
Snowstar didn't flinch, nor did he didn't look at Lionpaw. "Knew what?" he inquired flatly, clearly not wanting an answer.
Lionpaw shivered, and gazed out at the Clan, his mind muddled. "What now, Snowstar?" he asked quietly. "The Clan needs you."
There was a long silence. Snowstar finally stood up, and gazed out at the Clan as well. "They do... don't they?" he murmured, almost to himself. He paused, and the two stood shoulder-by-shoulder, their fur brushing, gazing down at LightningClan. "I suppose it's time they had a real leader... isn't it?" A ghost of a smile played over his face as he rasped a tongue over
Lionpaw's ear.
"Thank you, Lionpaw," he breathed, before slowly stepping out of the cave, and walking powerfully down the rocks. Lionpaw watched him with a glimmer of hope in his eyes, knowing that, even if the end was coming, LightningClan would fight to the death to stop it. And Snowstar would be there to lead them.