Little Readers,
You're all pretty awesome, I hope you know that… and also extremely eager for chapter updates… I'm only human remember ;)
Shout out to (yesmycasioiscool) because I was struggling with some dialogue and YOU saved me!
Merry Reading? I thought that would work ha (why do I even do these author notes… you guys must hateee me!)
Court x
CHAPTER 33
Beginning of Senior Year
Maybe the music starts in the piano
You know who you are and what ever you're capable of doing, should always surprise you.
In a town like Lima Ohio, it's a little bit of a common occurrence for everyone to know your business. Talk and change spreads like spilt milk on a coffee table. More often than not the talk gets mixed up, exactly like the way that game goes, you whisper a sentence in someone's ear, and by the time you get to the last person its all muddled up. Most people have the details wrong, but the core of the story, well, that's usually what everyone's talking about anyway.
Quinn hadn't been to school in a week. The first week back and she had forged a letter from her mother telling Principal Figgins that they were still in Greece. She had spent every waking hour with Jeremy, who turns out had a sister at McKinley. Mackenzie, resident head of The Skanks, which were a few girls, who basically didn't give a shit about anything, and did whatever the hell they wanted. Quinn wasn't sure how it had all started, she just knew she had needed an out, something to take her mind off everything that was going on, something that was going to let her do whatever she wanted.
The Skanks gave that to her.
She had spoken to Rachel three times. All of them were one-word answers to her worried questions.
Now standing in front of the school, the early morning sunlight blinking at her, she felt like the building didn't even recognize her. As though it was staring back at her, thinking that she was someone new, ready to join the original body of students. Maybe she was new, maybe this was the new Quinn walking through the doors and no one was going to remember the old one.
When you're different, or when you act a little different to the people around you; its almost like you become a stray leaf on someone's wind shield. They can see you the entire time they're driving, because you're stuck to the clear glass of their lives, and the only thing they notice is you, because you're somewhere you shouldn't be. People always say you should just let the world know you as who you really are, because if you pretend to be someone your not, well eventually one day you're going to forget to pretend, you'll forget to put on this mask, and then where are you?
Who are you then?
The only problem Quinn was finding right now, was that who she thought she was, wasn't exactly who she wanted to be.
Quinn brushed past the newest freshman's, making them scatter in three different directions, but her eyes were so focused on the ground she didn't even bother apologizing. Quinn wasn't sure what her tipping point was. It had virtually happened this week, dying her hair, allowing Jeremy to piece her nose, a tattoo on her lower back, but what she did know, is that she was never going back.
. . .
"I'm calling an intervention,"
Quinn looked up from where she pulled the lighter from her locker.
Smoking wasn't that bad was it? It looked cool right?
"Not now Kurt,"
"Absolutely now," he said flatly, "I don't even know what strip club you just came from, what the hell is this?"
"It's who I am, that's what it is,"
"You were M.I.A for the first week and suddenly you rock up looking like a backwards Pink Lady?"
Quinn gritted her teeth, as Mercedes was suddenly beside the locker as well, "Damn white girl, I liked the golden locks better,"
"I don't care what you liked, this is what I like,"
Kurt scoffed, "You spend one week with Jeremy the college boy and his band of misfits and suddenly this is the Quinn you've always been?"
Mercedes cleared her throat slightly, "Well at least you might add some flair to Glee Club,"
Quinn shook her head, "I'm not coming back to Glee, I'd rather spend it under the bleachers,"
Kurt seemed shell shocked, "You are absolutely kidding right? This is just a joke right? Where's Ashton Kutcher?"
"Grow up Kurt…"
That seemed to hit him as though Quinn had literally slapped him, "Actually I don't want to grow up just yet, it's my last year of high school and I'm going to spend it doing what I love, being in Glee Club!"
"Rachel is going to flip when she sees you,"
Quinn huffed as Puck slid into view, his backpack slung loosely over this shoulder, his pants half way around his ankles.
"For crying out loud just let me get the shit from my locker would you…"
Puck shrugged, "You got anything growing in there for me?"
"Stop it," Mercedes interjected, 'This is absurd, Quinn you were gone for a week, its like they've brainwashed you,"
"Just get out of my way would you,"
"Quinn?"
Quinn wanted to punch the side of the locker, she needed air, she needed away from this, these people, they would make her come back, she knew they would, she wasn't as strong as what she was making out to be. One word from any of them, and she would just forget whatever the hell she was doing.
"I seriously thought you were another transfer student," Mike grinned, "We have three, but I guess your new look makes it four?"
"She's not a transfer student, she's a identity crisis student," Tina sighed coming up behind him, "But can you fix yourself, because Rachel is literally going to walk around that corner any min…."
You know, sometimes fate is like a really overcrowded and overpopulated restaurant. You sit right in the middle of it and have these waiters deliver you all types of things you didn't even order. Sometimes you like the dishes, other times you hate them, but you have absolutely no control over what's brought out to you. This moment was a little like that. A waiter had dumped Rachel in the middle of the corridor and she was staring at Quinn like she had absolutely no idea who she was.
"Hi," Quinn muttered and instantly she felt nearly all of their friends back right away.
"I'm sorry," Rachel replied flatly, "I don't speak to strangers,"
Sometimes young people think they're invincible. They think their whole lives are ahead of them, they have these huge plans, and all their dreams will come true. But then they get a little older, and suddenly those dreams become harder and harder to reach. Quinn was trying so desperately not to give up hope. At the end of the day when she's old, and maybe a little grey, she'll want to stop somewhere one day and think about who she was all those years ago. What if she looked back and can't say that she made the most of what life gave her?
She needed to find who she was, she needed to be someone her grandfather could never forget. He was already wondering why the deck was painted grey; when it should be blue. But that's just it, he painted over the blue five years ago.
"You're not coming with us are you?" Tina asked softly.
Quinn shook her head, "I have better things to do,"
"What like channel Gwen Stefani?" Mercedes asked sarcastically.
"Let her go," Kurt huffed, "I don't think I like what my best friend is right now anyway…"
They say sometimes its easier when its just you. It's easier because you don't have to deal with what everyone else around you thinks.
Here's the thing though, what happens if you don't like who you are, what do you do then?
. . .
Quinn had skipped science. She had skipped math. She had skipped history for the first time in all her life and she had definitely skipped Glee. But walking through these halls she could almost just see Rachel in every corner. She could see how this was hurting her, she could see the burn of disappointment, and yet all she seemed to do was swallow the broken expectations that teased her heart, and try to gain control again.
Who was she kidding honestly?
To think that this is what she wanted.
But she wasn't doing it for her right; she was trying to be something her grandfather would never forget.
Why couldn't anyone see that?
Quinn would come home and it was empty. Her parents were never home because they were either lost in their work or with her grandfather, or doing anything besides walking through their own front door. What happens when your own home suddenly becomes, well, not a home? When the one place you're supposed to feel safe inside, suddenly feels like this empty shell full of things that you just can't seem to deal with. It's almost like suddenly you become homesick for somewhere else, somewhere that you've never been before, you know, somewhere that you'll find the happiness again.
Does this exist?
It's just like Peter Pan isn't, everyone wants to find their never never land, everyone wants to find that place, just beyond the second star to the right and on till morning. At least then, if we all found that place, waking up each morning, would be a hell of lot easier.
Quinn had a dream about Rachel last night. She dreamt it was winter, and they'd disappeared into the mountains. As it snowed Quinn watched each snowflake, so brisk, so blissful, knowing exactly how it needs to be and refusing to be anyone's puppet. Maybe that's how Quinn needed to be, something so free she couldn't be touched or taken down.
The Mack, Sheila and Ronnie made up the Skanks and Quinn knew they would be waiting for her, she would just keep her head down, pass where the Cheerio's were practicing and everything would be fine. It was almost like she had completely turned her back on everything she said she was going to do in Greece. Like it had all been forgotten. She needed her south side of anywhere, it's just right now there was a wall up, and she just didn't know how to knock it down.
"Quinn!"
And here she was thinking this entire time she had been superhuman. She had been able to hide under this imaginary cloak of invisibility and no one would notice her. But that's just it, she really was the leaf on the windshield, no one could miss her.
Quinn stopped walking to see Santana and Brittany pressed up against the fence separating the football field from the rest of the school. She was only metres from safety of the shadowed bleachers, and yet her two best friends somehow stood in the way.
Santana looked her up and down, almost wanting to shake her head. Kurt had basically sobbed how bad this was, but rock n roll Quinn? This was new.
"Quinn look, this is our senior year and frankly being on the cheerios isn't the same without you,"
Brittany pressed her nose in between the wire, she reminded Quinn of a puppy trying to get passed the backyard fence.
"Come on sweetheart, this is for us we can win two national champions ships together!"
"You guys are suckers for going back to coach Sylvester," Quinn replied; glaring at the woman in the distance, still the same fucking tracksuit.
Santana sighed impatiently, "Don't be stupid Quinn, we joined the cheerios together, we joined Glee Club together, we all started tolerating Rachel together, maybe you way more than us," she smiled playfully, "It's us! We're like besties for life,"
Brittany nodded, "Yeah come on Quinn! We use to be like the three musketeers. Now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a jolly rancher that fell in the ashtray,"
"You don't understand the pressure I'm under, I'm not interested in that stupid polyester uniform, when my grandfather is dying,"
Santana bit her lips slightly, watching as Brittany's shoulders slumped, "Listen Q, I've got a bar of soap and a bottle of peroxide with your name on it in my locker,"
Brittany seemed to straighten a little, nodding and smiling excitedly, "Come on Quinn you can't break up the unholy trinity!"
It's true what they say, that when people are talking about you, you feel the heat from the air around you cling to your cheeks, almost like the temperature in Ohio is all because of you. There's no need for bionic hearing either, because sure enough they're whispering about you. The cheerio's had all spotted Quinn from across the football team, and one by one they had begun to point. It only made Quinn retreat back into her shell.
"You know sometimes people just grow apart," she responded, redirecting her gaze back to Brittany and Santana.
Brittany's face was immediately alarmed, "I told you, I think something has possessed her. San its like paranormal activity, we'll be starring in the musical,"
"No its Quinn's gone stupid activity," Santana replied slapping the fence, and Quinn felt herself flinch.
"I haven't got time for this," Quinn replied, and she turned her back on them, even if part of her told, she was insane for doing so.
. . .
Quinn read somewhere once, that humans are, if anything creatures of habit. We are all drawn into this familiarity of what we've always known. We are enchanted by the comfort of the similar. What happens though when this familiarly becomes unsafe? When the fear strikes out, when one day you wake up and this fear knows where you live?
In between break, Quinn had overheard Coach Sylvester ranting to little Becky, that Mr Schuester was planning new recruits for Glee club. Hearing this hadn't surprised Quinn, especially after nationals last year, when Finn had attempted to face rape Rachel in front of the entire audience. In Mr Schuester's pursuit to recreate the clubs inspiration and creativity he had randomly placed seven purple pianos around the school and told each of his students to perform a number whenever they had seen one.
Michael Jones was once quoted for stating that when he honored the piano's vitality and complexity, he couldn't tell whether he was playing the piano or whether the piano was playing him. That's a lot like what music does to you, isn't it.
Music is something that evokes certain feelings, there's no other way to express how music makes people feel, because at the end the day, where words fail, music speaks.
"Are you thinking about joining glee club?"
Quinn flinched pulling her hand away from the piano as though it had spat at her.
Standing just beside the bubbler, with a mop of messy golden hair, light skin and the widest mouth she'd ever scene, was someone she didn't recognize.
"Because if you are you should know that we were all involved in a really messy food fight in the cafeteria…"
"Yeah I saw that," Quinn replied, glaring him up and down, he was already wearing a football jersey. Typical isn't it. You're new, and you want to go straight to the top of the food chain.
"Don't let that deter you though, the number was really good don't you think,"
Of course it was good, it was sung by Rachel, Santana and Brittany.
"Whatever you say," Quinn replied, turning from him.
"I'm Sam," he said running after her, "Sam Evans…"
"I don't care," Quinn responded.
He seemed a little stumped as to what to say.
"You don't want to get mixed up in that rookie,"
Now there was a voice she remembered.
Dave Karofsky had just walked from the principal's office.
"Didn't think you'd make it back to senior year," Quinn said, watching as he nodded at Sam.
"Guess you didn't," he replied, shaking his head, "What are you doing Quinn?"
"Am I missing something?" Sam asked frowning.
"Quinn Fabray," Karofsky said in one of those voiceover tones, "Mckinley's former Queen B, pregnant at sixteen, lost the baby, turned gay, spent summer in Greece and now apparently, wants to be a punk…"
Sam's mouth suddenly looked like a killer whale.
"Fuck you…" Quinn responded, "Can I introduce the real you now?"
Karofsky laughed, "Why bother Quinn, I just signed my transfer papers, I'm done with McKinley…"
Quinn was a little stumped, "Why couldn't find a boy…." She trailed off, knowing that no matter who she was right now, she wasn't that cruel anymore, "band…" she said instead.
Karofsky saw her change of heart.
"Yep," he smiled slightly, "Found one interstate, I'll be joining the New Directions," he winked.
Sam nodded, as though it was a personal joke he was unaware of.
"Hey man," he said to Sam, "She had blonde hair, loves John Steinbeck, and knows a thing or two about the stars, when she comes back, tell her to give me a call? Just so I know she made it…"
Sam looked a little dumbfounded, as Karofsky just laughed at him and turned away.
"Steinbeck hey," Sam asked, "Cool,"
"She's not here anymore," Quinn replied, "And I have better things to do…"
"But I thought we could be friends?"
Quinn laughed, "Trust me, you don't want to be friends with me…"
. . .
The bleachers weren't all that bad. Sure they smelt of football uniforms and the ground was mostly always damp, Quinn wasn't sure if it was because the sprinklers were always left on, or the football guys urinated back here. Either way, it was virtually a den, and she could just do and say whatever the hell she wanted.
"You don't want to be in that pathetic club Quinn, wasn't it not long ago you were Queen B?"
Quinn flicked the bud to the ground, feeling the tar run down the back of her throat and wanting to vomit.
This was supposed to calm her wasn't it? Then why did it feel like her insides were literally on fire?
Actually she'd been in Glee Club since she was a sophomore, she could still remember the day, Santana, she and Brittany had stood at the door watching. Something in her had changed that day, and Quinn was trying desperately to remember those feelings again.
"Your Pops still working?" Mackenzie asked, pulling out a nail file.
Quinn felt her insides catch on fire again, "He's fine," she said, when in reality she had absolutely no idea how he was, short of staying away, Quinn didn't even know what she was doing with herself right now.
"Must suck to like flunk out of your mind like that," Mackenzie pressed, "I mean he's probably going to forget how to piss,"
Quinn suddenly wanted to kill her.
Before she could even contemplate doing that suddenly she could taste it filtering through the air. This sweet taste of autumn, this smell of warmness and suddenly her heart was racing a million miles per hour. When you're in love with someone, even if for some reason you may have lost your way, everything about him or her becomes your medicine. You grow so accustomed to how they smell, that eventually you can smell it on your own clothes, as though the entire time you've been holding them, their smell has stitched its way into your seams. Which is why, even from a short distance away, Quinn knew Rachel had found her hiding spot. The smell of Rachel right now was driving Quinn insane; it was so strong it literally wiped out all the smell of smoke from the cigarette she was holding.
"Hi," Rachel said tentatively, looking nervously at Mackenzie, "Hello… skanks…"
"Girlfriend stinks of soap Quinn…" Ronnie remarked.
Quinn looked at Rachel, in the small white dress she had bought in Greece, the same one she worn the night they had made love at the wharf, and now she'd just donned it with a black cardigan and her familiar red satchel bag. She looked adorable.
"I didn't mean what I said before, about you being a stranger, because you're not, I mean maybe when you cutoff all your hair, I thought it would have solved all your problems, and maybe when you were hanging out with Jeremy I should have stopped you…"
"Rachel, I'm not coming back to Glee club,"
Rachel stepped forward, "We need you," she pleaded, "Have you seen all those purple piano's around school? Well I know the tribute to the Gos Gos sort of ended in a food fight… but don't you remember that night in Greece when we…"
"I prefer the bangles," Ronnie chimed, smirking as Rachel tensed.
"Okay..."
"Rachel, I can't…"
"Yes you can," she replied, "We need your tremulous alto and you Glenda Carlisle glamour…the glamour I'm in love with…"
"I'll give you ten bucks if you let me beat her up Quinn,"
Quinn immediately felt herself step in between Mackenzie and Rachel, as though she had subconsciously aimed to protect her.
"I hate that you're hurting Quinn, but Glee club is a family, this is our year to get it right… no matter what's happening..."
"Can the song bird stop singing a chart ruiner?" Sheila yelled from the back.
Rachel bit her lip ignoring her, "You're still my girlfriend Quinn, and relationships are hard work, which is why I'm waiting and being patient,"
"I can't believe you are dating that…" Ronnie snickered.
"Shut up," Quinn snapped and instantly it was like her old self had taken over for a moment.
Rachel wasn't sure how to react, because as quickly as Quinn had been back, she had disappeared as well.
"What do you want from me Rachel?"
"I want you," she whispered, "But not like this, you're abandoning everything because you're so scared that Arthur is abandoning you, he's so confused Quinn."
"No he's just not use to this side of me,"
"No one is, it's so sudden, and stupid, I don't even know what point you're trying to make,"
"To leave a mark, so that no one will ever forget me,"
Rachel shook her head, "How could you think anyone would ever forget you,"
"My grandfather will,"
"Baby please," Rachel whimpered.
"Listen Mary Poppins unless you're selling the good stuff you better skip down the goodbye brick road…" Mackenzie sneered.
Rachel took a step back slightly, "This is who you want to hang around?"
Quinn shrugged, "I'm sick of everyone abandoning me, my baby, my grandfather…"
"But I'm not," Rachel pleaded, "God Quinn can't you see I'm right here?"
Quinn could see she was right here, she was within arms reach, and all she wanted was to grab her and run away. But something was holding her back, it was like this leash, this invisible chain that was holding her to this new place, this unfamiliarity, it wanted her to stay, and Quinn had no idea how to untangle herself.
"Glee club needs you Quinn, Mr Schuester has absolutely no idea what went wrong, Kurt is a complete and utter mess, Santana acts as though she's mad at you, when really she just wants you back…"
"I'm so sick of putting everyone else's needs before my own, it's time I lived my life Rachel…"
"You were living your life, what about Greece, what about the South Side of Anywhere? You took me there, you made me believe in places that felt right…"
"Maybe the South side of anywhere doesn't exist anymore…" she murmured.
"How can you say that? I need that place, I need you, more than anything this year, I need you… my Mum is here Quinn, she's a teacher and everyday I have to walk past her classroom, wondering if I'm supposed to say hi…"
"So now everything's about Berry?" Sheila asked, stepping forward, "No one asked for your little feelings you parakeet…"
Rachel huffed annoyed; "This is between my girlfriend and myself thank you very much,"
Sheila raised her eyebrows, "Are you speaking down to me?"
Quinn ignored Ronnie and Mackenzie's snickers and stared at Rachel, "What's more important Rachel? My life or yours?"
"Mine," Rachel replied and Quinn just looked at her.
"There you have it Fabray, your girlfriend loves herself more than you, I told you Rachel Berry would never change," Mackenzie said, pounding the side of the bleachers.
"Mine," Rachel repeated, as her eye spilled a tear, "Because you are my life,"
Quinn wanted to cry, and yet all she could do was stare at her.
"Look Glee club misses you, and they'll be happy to have you back, whenever you are ready, and that's the same for me too…"
"How precious," Ronnie scoffed.
"I miss you," Rachel said, her lips quivering slightly.
Quinn couldn't stop herself, "I miss you too," she whispered, and yet it was soft, Rachel barely even heard her.
Quinn watched as she turned from her slightly, before pausing and then looking back, "You want to know what being brave is Quinn?"
She looked at her, god she looked so fucking perfect in this light, what the hell was Quinn doing?
"Being scared but still doing it anyway,"
. . .
You know those family vacations you go on, the ones where it takes a solid fives hours to get anywhere, and you spend the whole time arguing with your sibling in the backseat, or trying to avoid life conversations with your parents. Usually there'll be pit stops on the way, because your parents are actually responsible and know the meaning behind stop, revive, survive. Depending on where you're headed, these pit stops are just small enclosed parks, or nature reserves, with a building block for restrooms, and a picnic bench to eat at. The best thing about them is that they're amongst a field of grass, with an open sky above you. Quinn would give anything right now to be in one of those open fields. Just to lie on her back and stare silently at the sky, because that's usually the only time, she ever feels as though the world is hers.
She'd do anything to have Greece back. She'd do anything to find the South Side of Anywhere again. She had so many reasons not ignore what her head was saying, and yet so many reasons as to why her heart may let her down. Einstein once said, that if your head told you one thing, but your heart told you another, then before you were to do anything, you had to decide first whether you had a better head, or a better heart. If only Quinn could resurrect Einstein.
After everything this week, here she was, her knees curled to her chest, tucked behind some lockers, just outside the choir rooms, listening to Mr Schuester wrap up his week of the Purple Piano Projects.
"Guys quiet down, please," Mr Schuester said, "Sugar, I thought I told you that audition didn't work out?"
Sugar glared at him, "I thought you were kidding!"
"Sugar, this is a closed class," Mr Schuester sighed.
"Obviously your ears are busted, because I worked that song like a hooker pole!"
"Oh please," Santana replied, "You're tone deaf!"
Sugar pouted, before standing from her chair and addressing the rest of the club, "Here's the deal. I'm awesome. And I want to be a big, big star. And when I saw you singing and dancing in the cafeteria, I thought, I am so much better than them!" she grabbed her backpack from the side of the room.
"It is totally your complete loss!" and with that she turned on her heel and stormed from the classroom, narrowly missing Quinn's outstretched leg on the way out.
"Santana," Mr Schuester said, "I was trying handle that discreetly,"
"Mr Schue!" Kurt reasoned, "I handed her a map of the school, she pointed to the 'you are here' signed and asked how the map knew that…"
Quinn half smirked.
"Guys my best interests lie in us doing better at nationals this year…"
"I was sure that our nationals trophy would grow over the summer," Brittany quipped.
"Well it didn't," Mr Schuester half smiled, "So this year, we have to aim for the big one… now someone talk to me, what happened with the purple piano's?"
"Such a disaster," Sam called, "I thought you said Glee Club was popular,"
Puck snorted, "Dude, my rep was killed three years ago… and I'm the best looking here…"
"Actually Noah," Rachel responded, "Samual has some finely chiseled abs,"
Noah went to retaliate.
"Stop," Mercedes said sighing, "Can we get back to subject on hand, the performances were all a disaster,"
"Yes, I heard about the food fight, and the fire…" Mr Schuester replied folding his arms.
"Mr Schuester I still smell of spaghetti, and the fact that piano was actually lit up like some bonfire… Principal Higgins wanted to impound someone," Mike whined.
"I understand public schools do things different," Blaine remarked, "But I don't know whether to transfer back to Dalton,"
God Quinn didn't even need to know what he looked like, to know that Blaine Anderson was definitely someone Kurt would want.
"Don't," Kurt replied suddenly, "It's fine, and the fire was put out,"
"No thanks to Puckerman," Artie reminded, "You should apply for the fire squad,"
"Yeah but generally milfs only call firemen in the summer season, I need something that's all year round," he replied.
Quinn rolled her eyes behind the door.
"Does anyone know who lit the piano on fire?" Mr Schuester asked.
"It doesn't matter," Rachel said flatly, "All that matters is that we understand that these piano's won't be defeated,"
"Oh Christ Rachel I thought you left your melodramatic self in Greece," Mercedes moaned.
"Here me out," Rachel smiled and she bounded up from the chair, nodding at Brad.
He called towards the door, and Quinn literally had to squash herself as far back into the corner as possible, to allow some band kids to wheel in one of the damaged pianos.
They settled it in the centre of the room, and allowed Brad to sit down at the stool. He moved his fingers along the purple piano, and it omitted such a clear and precise sound, it was almost like it hadn't been injured at all.
Rachel bounded over to him, twirling slightly, in the way that always indicated she had something to express through song and then her voice filled the air.
You cant stop an avalanche
As it races down the hill
You can try to stop the seasons, girl
But ya know you never will
And you can try to stop my dancin' feet
But I just cannot stand still
Cause the world keeps spinnin'
Round and round
And my heart's keeping time
To the speed of sound
I was lost til i heard the drums
Then I found my way
Cause you can't stop the beat…
One by one, the New Directions bounded out of their chairs to join Rachel in the song, Mike and Brittany dancing around her feet.
Ever since this old world began
A woman found out if she shook it
She could shake up a man
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it
The best that I can today
'Cause you cant stop
The motion of the ocean
Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wanna
But I never ask why
And if you try to hold me down
I'm gonna spit in your eye and say
That you cant stop the beat!
It's the worst feeling in the world, when you long to be apart of something and yet your feet just seem to stay glued to the floor beneath you. No one could stop the beat of the New Directions, but Quinn was wondering how long her actual heart could keep beating.
. . .
"Quinn, could you come into my office?"
Quinn was caught off guard as she filtered through the students on their way home.
"Do I have to? It's not school anymore…"
"It'll just take a minute," Emma said, nodding her head to the chair in front of her desk.
Quinn rolled her eyes, and walked into the room, dumping her folder and slumping in the chair.
Emma seemed to look at her a moment longer than was necessary.
"How's your grandfather?"
Quinn snorted, "The teachers gossip too now do they?"
"No your mother called, said she wanted to let us know in case you needed anything extra at school, I was very interested when she said how long you had been back from Greece Quinn…"
Quinn stilled slightly.
"I'm not entirely sure what you were doing in the week you skipped Quinn, but I took the liberty not to inform Principal Figgins, or your mother…"
"Thanks" Quinn muttered.
"You know it's illegal to forge a signature don't you?"
"God, tell my mother if it will spare me this lecture,"
Emma pouted softly, "What did you do that week Quinn? Because right now I'm thinking you joined a cult."
"I didn't do anything, I just met some people who introduced to a new way of seeing things…"
"The pink way?"
"I can't be bothered for this," Quinn said annoyed and she got up to leave.
"Quinn before you leave…"
Quinn turned from the doorway, and looked back at Ms Pillsbury. She sat so delicately in her desk chair, it reminded Quinn of a feather.
"Do you want to know what I learnt from high school?"
"No," Quinn responded flatly and then frowned as Ms Pillsbury simply smiled at her.
"I learnt that usually people forget what you say, usually people over time even forget what you did, but no one Quinn, no one forgets how you made them feel…"
Quinn's shoulders slumped slightly; even if her brain screamed at her to remain collected, remain in control, don't let anyone see that really she was just screaming for attention.
"This is all happening so fast Quinn, but losing yourself in the process isn't going to affect anyone more than it will effect yourself…"
"Look Ms Pillsbury, I get this is your career path, to help teenagers or whatever, but I don't want your words of wisdom,"
"Afraid they might be right?"
"No," Quinn shrugged, "You said it yourself didn't you? People forget what other people say,"
Emma nodded, scrunching her nose and tying her fingers together over her desk surface. She leant forward slightly, looking directly at Quinn.
"You got me Quinn. But here's what I think, I think exactly what I just said hit a nerve, made you feel a little… come back to me if you forget that how that felt…"
. . .
Quinn fumbled in her bag for the car keys, hoping to god one of the skanks hadn't stolen them again and taken the car for another joyride. If they crashed it, there was no way in hell she'd be able to pay the insurance. Making her way across the car park, she was silently thanking god that the majority of the students had already left.
"Man you take forever these days, what you need a drag even before you get home?"
Quinn lifted her head to the sky, cursing whatever was up there.
"Santana can we not do this,"
"No you know me," Santana responded, "I'm nice as pie when my girlfriend is near me because let's face it she's beautiful, she's innocent, and she's the only good that's left in this stinking world," Santana looked at Quinn, "You were one third of that good too, and now look at you,"
"Your girlfriend know you have attitude?" Quinn asked bluntly.
"Does yours?" Santana shot back, "We've been back what Quinn, three weeks? I don't even understand how this is happening,"
"I'm tired Santana, I don't want to have this argument right now,"
"I don't care what you want, you're going to stand here, and you're going to tell me what the hell is going on,"
"Don't tell me what to do," Quinn rounded and Santana glared at her.
"Well what do you want from me Q, look at you, getting your skank on, it's like someone turned you upside down and you turned bitch,"
Quinn felt the anger grow inside her, "I'm not some item you can label you know,"
"You virtually changed over night, do you have any idea what kind of a mess Rachel is, she has no idea where this is leading,"
"If it leads to great sex, she'll soon think it's hot,"
"Oh please Quinn," Santana responded, "A statement like that? The real Quinn would have never treated something so intimate like that…"
"As if I'm not speaking Santana anyway,"
Quinn saw the light leave Santana's eyes as she stared at her, "You know what, I'm done… be in this little…what ever the fuck it is, stay away from Glee Club, we don't need the trash,"
Just like, Quinn watched the same person who promised to be her family, walk away.
. . .
Things are so much easier when you're a little kid. You dream of being a scientist, you dream of being a fire fighter, a painter, an astronaut and then suddenly you get older and you start to have different wants and then suddenly it's like you're giving these dreams up one at a time. Maybe Quinn didn't want people standing outside the tunnel she was in, yelling at her to come towards the light. Maybe she just wanted someone to come and sit with her the darkness for a while you know. She had spent the last hour just sitting here, leant against her car. The teachers had all gone home, the detention kids had left, even the sun was sinking. But where else was she going to go, she felt like there was nowhere else she needed to be.
"Hey punk,"
She looked sideways as Puck slid down the side of her car next to her. He brought his knees to his chest, sighed slightly and then rubbed his hand across his Mohawk.
"Imagine we did it now Q, our kid would have a spikey pink Mohawk…"
Quinn continued to stare at the ash felt beneath them.
"If you, me and Rachel had a three some we would produce the next Travis Barker…"
"Puck, I don't want to talk to you,"
"Yeah," he said shrugging, "Never really stopped me before,"
"Why are you here?"
"Wanted to take some of those pianos and sell em to the pawn broker, make some extra cash, but the dumb thing wont fit on the truck and Hudsons too busy flunking homework to help,"
"Well looks like you've got nothing to do so leave me alone okay,"
"Yeah how about I just sit here then?"
Quinn looked at him, "What do you want from me?"
"Nothing…can't I have nothing from my friend?"
When she was in Greece, Quinn had spent some nights in Spyros' study, going through old Greek mythology books, reading different world articles, all because her mind was too alive to sleep. In the corner, he had this light up globe, and every time Quinn would be in the room, she would dim the lights and have this glowing globe next to her. Sometimes she would place her hand on its surface, and watch the continents illuminate her hand, and it always made her think about how small any of her problems could be compared to the rest of the world. Maybe that's what a real friend is you know, someone who knows that even if your problem is just a tiny matter compared to the world, if it affects you, well then its just as important.
Funny thing is, Quinn couldn't seem to find to words to express how much she was hurting inside. Communication is such an ironic thing. Words are really one of the first signs of growing. When we are tiny children, learning words and to communicate is the first signs of growing up; it's the first signs of becoming a functioning human being. And then we grow up, and suddenly finding the right words becomes the hardest thing to learn. Suddenly asking for what we really need becomes the hardest part of our lives.
Quinn continued to say nothing.
"Just one last thing before I don't speak again Q," Puck sighed.
Quinn didn't even bother looking up.
"If you hurt Rachel, I'll never speak to you again, you're half way there, so looks like I got nothing to say anyway,"
It's true what they say though isn't it. That far more people are lost than those that are found. It makes you wonder, why are there so many locks and so few keys? Where have all the keys gone, surely there's a way to find a way to unpick our locks.
Then again, maybe that's just it, maybe people have found the keys, and they just choose not to use them.
I think I overused the . . . in this chapter huh ;) until next time... I await your thoughts!