Chapter 36

Note: Another short one before the final chapter which will be longer. I don't have a timetable for when I'll be able to get that one up, but it'll be here when it's done.

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Cassie wasn't that hard to find. Even in the dimming light I could see her going back and forth between the little "tree houses" the Hork-Bajir live in. When I got close enough I landed on the branch of a tree that Cassie was trying to climb.

Hey Cassie, I said when she had climbed a bit farther and we were staring at each other face to face.

After recovering from her slight momentary shock, she said back, "Hi Tobias," with a few grunts as she pulled herself up to the branch I was on. It looked like she was just going to keep on climbing up, so I quickly said, Cassie, can I talk to you?

"Not now Tobias," she said catching her breath, "I have work to do. Can it wait until tomorrow?"

No, I said straightforwardly, it can't. I have something very important I need to tell you and I'll probably be leaving at dawn tomorrow.

That made her stop and pay attention.

"Where are you going so suddenly?" she asked sounding a bit confused and a bit worried at the same time.

It has to do with what I need to tell you, I said back, and the sooner I tell you the sooner I can get to sleep and the sooner I can wake up tomorrow and then the sooner I can leave.

"Alright," Cassie said sounding a lot more worried than confused now, "you've got my attention now, what is it you need to tell me?"

I'd prefer if we go somewhere quieter if you don't mind, I said trying to put it as gently as possible.

It was then that she realized I was very serious about this. She didn't say anything, but she began to morph into her owl morph. Once she had her thought-speak ability, she sent out a loud message to everyone.

Everyone, I have to leave for a bit. If you can, could you please fill out your questionnaires while I'm gone? It would be a big help. I'll be back as soon as I can.

And with that both of us took off almost at once.

We both flew in silence the entire way there. Cassie just followed as I led the way to a small clearing that was a short distance away from the Hork-Bajir colony. When we landed Cassie instantly began to demorph, but I decided to remain a hawk. I didn't think I could do this as a human and I wanted to have an extra layer of emotional protection against what I new was going to come from Cassie. As a human I felt more vulnerable, but as a hawk I had more confidence in anything I did. I needed all the confidence I could get now.

Once Cassie had demorphed she came and took a seat not more than a foot away from me before calmly saying, "Alright Tobias, we're here. What is it you need to tell me so badly?"

This was it. It was going to be very hard to persuade Cassie to see things from my point of view, but I knew I had to try. I took one last big breath of air and tried to start just like I did with Toby.

Cassie, there's no real easy way to put this, so I'm just going to say it. I'm getting old.

"That what you brought me out here to tell me?" Cassie quickly interrupted. "Everybody gets old, Tobias. It's the way life works."

I didn't mean it like that, I said back a little annoyed, I meant that I'm starting to get really old. My eyesight's not as good as it use to be. My hearing's getting less sensitive as well. I'm having problems making fine adjustments to my feathers while diving, and the minor arthritis pain I've had in both my wings and talons is getting worse everyday.

"So you dragged me all the way out here so I could prescribe you some medicine? I mean, I'm sure you want to keep stuff like this private and all, but you have permanent thought-speech. You could've just told me like that and I could've…"

No! I cut her off again, that's not the point. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure how much longer I can function as a hawk, and I've been giving some thought as to what I want to do after I can't survive as a hawk anymore.

"I know what this is about!" Cassie quickly exclaimed again. She was becoming very annoying about now. It's almost as if she knew what I wanted to tell her already, but she kept trying to interrupt me so she wouldn't have to hear me actually say it. "This is about you becoming a human again!" she went on. "Of course, now it makes sense! Don't worry about it Tobias. I know that it probably seems kind of weird and scary to go back to living like a normal human, but after a little bit it will seem natural again. I mean, you've already been a human for more than 13 years of your life, so you just need some time to readjust again. Don't worry about stuff like housing or a job either. I'll be more than happy to help you with all of that. You could go back to school if you want, or I could get you a job working for me. You'll get to come back here anytime you want of course. It'll be like you never even left. You'll be…"

ENOUGH CASSIE, I basically screamed at her, not meaning to of course, LET ME FINISH WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!

That got her quiet real quick. I also took a small break to gather my thoughts back up after my outburst so there was a very uneasy silence between us until I started again. I was trying to decide whether to apologize for my outburst or not, but I decided against it since I now had Cassie's full attention. It was time to go in for the kill.

Cassie, I don't want to become a nothlit again. I'm going to remain a hawk until the day I die.

I took a pause and looked at Cassie's face. Her jaw was hanging almost to the ground, but otherwise she didn't look much different. Her mind was probably still busy processing what I had just said. But eventually I could see her snap back to reality and begin to speak again.

"Did I just hear what I thought I heard Tobias?" she asked weakly. "Didn't you just tell me that your life is close to being over? And yet, you want to stay a hawk even though you have so many other options that you could choose to save yourself with?"

Yeah, I said back with a small laugh, that's about it.

She looked just as confused as ever when she asked, "Why?"

Here goes nothing I thought to myself as I took a deep breath and started to explain.

Cassie, I feel like I've done what I needed to do in my life and now I'm ready to move on. I mean, I was part of the group that saved the entire world from invading aliens. And then I was part of the group that saved… well… probably more than I can imagine. That's way more than anyone should do in their lifetime, and I feel content leaving it at that. I never wanted the spotlight in the first place, but now that I've got it I don't want to do anything to amplify it. I've done what I needed to do and to go on living a pointless life just because I can would probably be the worst thing I could think of doing.

"Tobias," Cassie said seemingly on the verge of tears, "you've lost it. You've finally gone crazy. This is suicide!"

That struck an unpleasant chord in me. This is NOTHING like suicide, I yelled back startling both Cassie and myself. I've been there before. I know what that's like. And I never want to go back there again. This isn't anything like that at all. I'm not taking my own life away, I'm just letting nature do what it does. All my life I've been trying to run away and hide from everything. Well, I'm through running and hiding. I'm going to face what I need to from now on, and this is something I need to face now.

"Why now?" Cassie asked, "why do you have to face it now? Once you become human again you can still quit running from everything. And becoming a nothlit now doesn't mean you're running away. It's just a normal thing that any sane person would do when put into your position."

Cassie, I began again with a slightly more sympathetic tone, I don't want to be human again. I've changed so much now that I can never go back to being a true human. I'd always just be a hawk trapped in a human's body. Sure, I've been a human for longer than I've been a hawk, but a bunch of those human years were spent growing up and I don't even remember them that well. If you look at it that way, I've been a hawk just as long as I've been a human and I've decided that I like being a hawk better.

"Tobias", Cassie said with what seemed like her final plea, "think hard about this. You're throwing away something precious. You have the chance to live out a good, long life. How many people have the same opportunity? How can you be so blind and ignorant all of a sudden? I know your life has been rough at times, but now you have a chance to start over and fix whatever you can."

Cassie, I said one final time, I'm not going to become a nothlit again. There's nothing left for me here. I've done what I felt I came here to do and now it's time for me to go. You have no idea what it's like to go through some of the things I've had to endure. The pain, the suffering, the knowledge that you could've stopped everything from happening if you had only done one little thing different. I'm tired of feeling that way Cassie. I want nothing more to do with any of it. And that's not all either. I've lost so many good friends during the last couple of years. People that I couldn't have cared less for when this war started became closer to me than anything I've ever known before. And the hope of meeting them all again somewhere is the only thing I have left to look forward to.

"I miss everyone too Tobias," Cassie cut in quickly, "but that's no reason to go through what you're trying to do to yourself. If you just become human again…"

I'm not becoming human again, I said defiantly. That's not me anymore and I want nothing to do with being human. Can't you see it yet Cassie? I'm as free as a bird now. And this bird you cannot change.

Those last lines got to her just as I had hoped. She immediately looked away from me and focused her attention down on the ground. She just sat there like that thinking for the longest time. Even though I was tempted to leave at that point I still felt that I had to stick around for Cassie's reply, whatever it might be. Eventually, she lifted her head calmly and looked me dead in the eyes.

"Tobias," she began with a sigh, "first of all I think that you're absolutely crazy."

Not exactly what I was hoping for when I decided to stick around, but I decided to wait and hear what else she had to say before I jumped in somewhere I shouldn't.

"I really think you need some professional help to sort out your life," Cassie continued. "And secondly, I could not disagree more with your decision. I think it's morally, ethically, and just downright stubbornly wrong."

I couldn't show very much emotion through my hawk face, but I was worried now. Cassie was going to have some foolproof statement ready that was going to force me to change my mind, I just knew it. I braced myself for it as much as I could.

"That being said," Cassie calmly continued, "The only thing I can do for you now is to support you fully in your decision."

I untensed my entire body immediately when I heard that. I wasn't expecting that at all. I gave her a questioning look (well, as questioning of a look that a hawk could give anyway), but she didn't seem to notice me. She was still staring down at the ground lost in her thoughts.

"I know you're not a child anymore. I can't tell you what and what not to do. I can't tell you what's wrong and what's right. You need to come up with all of that on your own, and from the look of things you already have. Just because I don't agree with your decision doesn't mean that I should stop you from carrying it out. We've built up so much trust between ourselves over the years that I can't help but trusting you now. I think back to all the times you've saved my life and I think to myself that you've earned the right to do whatever you feel is right in your life, and I should be there to help you in any way I can. If this is what you want, if this is what you truly want, then there's no way that I can just sit back and not help you get there. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I'll get it for you. It's the very least I could do for you."

I had so many things going through my mind at that moment: how to respond back to her, what she had right, what she had wrong, the fact that she'd done more for me than I had for her, etc… When I look back on it now I could've done so many different things, but all I ended up doing was giving her a hug with my wings and saying, Thanks.

She returned my hug and we both just sat there and enjoyed the moment. It was Cassie who broke the silence first when she said, "But Tobias, there is something I want you to do for me."

Anything, I said without even thinking about it.

"Won't you fly high, free bird?"

If I could've, I would've grinned straight from ear to ear. You bet Cassie, I said as I gave her one final tap on the back before I let my wing hug go. She gave me a smile back since she just couldn't hold it in any longer, and we both let out a small stress-relieving laugh.

I turned to take off and fly back to my field just as Cassie said, "So Tobias, where you off to in such a hurry tomorrow?"

I slowly turned back around and said, There's one person that I've wanted to see ever since I got back from my mission, but whenever I was close enough to visit my mind was always on something else.

"And who's that?" Cassie asked.

Well, I began,I've already talked to Toby. Now I've talked to you. There's only really one more person that I have close ties to that's still alive.

"You mean…" Cassie said when she figured it out.

That's right, I said cutting her off, I'm going to see my mom.

"Are you just gonna fly there?" Cassie asked sounding kind of worried, "or do you want to take a plane? If what you told me before is all true then I'm not sure you should be flying long distances like that."

I'll be fine flying, I said back to Cassie, I've done this more than a few times by now. That was a complete lie. I had flown from Southern California to Yellowstone a few times before, but the route was different each time. And now, I wasn't even going back to Southern California, I was going up to Northern California.

My mom had grown very tired of all the media harassing her after the war (what a surprise there), so she decided to move upstate to a very small town where she could be free of most of the reporters. I knew the name of the town and approximately where it was, but I was still going to have some work to do to find her. I'll worry about that when I got close though.

"You sure you don't want to take a plane?" Cassie asked once again as I snapped out of my little daydream. "I mean, it wouldn't be any trouble to get you one. It'll probably have to be pretty small since your mom lives in such a small town and the airport…"

I'll be fine Cassie, I said before she started to make some calls on her cell phone. Don't worry about me.

"That's all I do," she said with a fake smile.

I turned back around to take off again, but I still had one more thing I wanted to say. Cassie, thanks for understanding. It means a lot to me.

"Tobias," Cassie said back frankly, "I don't understand at all what's going on in your head. I never really have and I probably never really will. All I said was that I'm going to support you."

Well, I guess that was better than nothing, right?

After that I took off without saying anything back. As I was gaining some altitude I heard Cassie shout, "I'll see you when you get back then!"

Yeah, I responded weakly, I'll see ya then. I wasn't sure if I would be coming back at all, or even if I could make it to my mom's alright, but it felt like the right thing to say.