I'm sorry that this chapter took so long to upload but I just wasn't happy with the chapter I've just finished and no matter how many times I re-wrote it, it still wasn't right and then I went to proof-read this one which took absolutely ages because of the same issue but on the up side, that one's extra long! I think most uploads are going to take a bit longer now because there's so much I need to include before graduation and it's so effing hard D: I genuinely have no idea if this chapter's good or shitty so let me know if any improvements are needed but I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter 36.
People are fickle.
And annoying.
I want to punch them in the face.
And then maybe whack them with a shovel that I can then use to hide my discretions.
No, maybe the last one was a bit much but we've been at Hogwarts for barely 2 hours and people keep approaching us asking about details of what happened in Diagon Alley.
While we were on the platform with Dor – Mum and Dad they left us alone, some only hovering around in hopes of overhearing something.
I'm not in the mood for it, I handled it when I was around Mum and Dad but my mood had plummeted as soon as I had got onto the platform.
Memories of the last time I caught the train have been assaulting my mind since last night when I finally failed at repressing them as I had done for the past week and a half.
It feels like yesterday that I was here with my friends ready to start our sixth year after over a year away from Hogwarts.
I had been so excited.
[FLASHBACK]
I fucking hate crowds. With a fiery, all consuming, soul eating, burning fucking passion.
It is currently 10.51am, my train for school leaves at precisely 11am and where am I you may ask? I'm stood literally 8 feet away from the entrance to platform 9 ¾ waiting for a bunch of morons to stop arguing over a scratched briefcase (I mean who gives a fuck?!) and quit blocking my damn way.
I want to push all the idiots out of my way but that'd attract too much attention and considering the whole 'concealed by magic to look like a brick wall' thing and considering the people around me being muggles that may leave me knee deep in shit with the Ministry.
Yeeaaahhh, no thanks.
I feel someone poke me in my side, narrowing my eyes playfully, I looked over at my best friend Jamie.
"Esme was right" I mutter. "There wasn't enough time to get a burger."
"Esme's not right, Esme's a poo face." Is my best friend's ever so mature response.
"With what comes out of her arse, it's won't be long until she just turns into a giant poo." Was mine.
It makes sense if you know Esme, the girl's lethal; it's never a good idea to go into a bathroom after her!
"She smells bad enough as it is! If anything we're doing her a favour, if we didn't go and get food then she'd have to put up with my hungry mood. Ughhhhhhhhh, these fuckers need to move before I introduce my foot to their asses!"
I nod in complete agreement.
Normally I'm a nice and relatively patient person, but I don't handle early mornings, hunger and a crowd of strangers very well separately so all three of those things rolled up and shoved at me at once along with the fact that we now had just 7 minutes before the train left regardless of whether we were on it or not, it's safe to say I'm getting rather on edge.
A high pitched whistle right behind me both deafens me and interrupts the rant Jamie was currently conducting about her long-term boyfriend's latest fuck up that I hadn't listening to.
Asshole.
About time though.
Thankfully, the crowd got moved along pretty quickly seeing as they appreciated their hearing and Jamie and I were able to get through the entrance without any more fuss.
If anyone asked me I'd deny it, but looking at the Hogwarts Express always got me a little emotional, I wholeheartedly consider Hogwarts my home.
It's the place I'm not considered a freak by the people around me for my abilities because they have them too.
It's the place I don't have to lie to the people I actually do get on with.
I'm genuinely happy there and after a year and a half of half assed studying where I'm too young to actually do any magic it's safe to say I'm bloody itching to use my wand again for something other than mixing a potion!
Not that I did that often.
"C'mon, no one's looking!"
We make it back through the barrier with minutes to spare to be welcomed by the beautiful scarlet train for the second time today.
The rush of affection, excitement and happiness as I walk onto the train smiling at random first years with my favourite person in the world towards my friends isn't any less potent this time either.
I'm so glad to be back.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Simple.
Nothing major happened, no life changing decisions are made, it's just simple and nice...and normal.
Even peaceful in it's own way despite the amount of laughter and noise, this time as soon as we got onto the train, the interrogations began.
They wanted details from Remus, Lily and James on their way to the compartment they had their first meeting with the prefects.
They wanted details from Sirius, Peter and I in our compartment until Sirius snapped and hexed the door shut on everyone 5 minutes into the journey. He didn't even allowing Adrian, Rik, Devon, Daryl and April to enter. I smiled ruefully at them through the compartment window while Peter shakes his head mouthing "at school" before Sirius hexed the curtains shut due to the pair of silly little 5th year fan girls who took that moment to squeeze past them and stare into the compartment talking nosily for the seventh time.
They hounded Remus until he literally hexed open the door and fucked off his prefect duties for the rest of the train ride.
It was okay when he'd calmed down after a few games of exploding snap with Peter and Sirius and it was okay when James and Lily had returned both annoyed and irritable but snapped out of it after about twenty minutes.
The rest of the journey was peaceful and enjoyable with plenty of jokes, food, laughter and nostalgic moments as they all shared the disbelief this is their seventh year at Hogwarts and talked about past memories and made plans for future ones while I sat quietly on the floor leaning against Sirius' legs while he played absent-mindedly with my hair, I don't input much into the conversation, simply listening with a small, sad smile.
I miss my friends.
I wonder how they're final train journey's going?
Have Jamie and Tom had another argument?
Is everyone teasing Esme?
Is Becc doing her shriek/cackle over something or other?
Do they feel even the teensiest gap inside them without me?
I hope they're having fun.
I wish I was with them.
The calm –if you can call any moment with the Marauders' calm with their rambunctious natures and penchant for randomly wrestling/pranking/insulting each other- was unfortunately only temporary.
They wanted details while we walked from the carriages to the Great Hall.
They wanted details before the sorting.
James and Lily were lucky that they got to ride over in the boats with the shy first years and Hagrid…us, not so much.
I was already in a withdrawn mood because I couldn't stop thinking about how it would be if I was making this journey the way I should have been, but the carriage ride over from the Hogsmeade Station is marred even more by the two fan-girls who repeatedly stalked past the compartment window sitting in our carriage and alternating between fawning over their "poor Siri", fawning slightly less but still annoyingly over their Remy which pisses me off because he's my Remy.
I haven't heard anyone call him Remy other than when James, Sirius or It are teasing him.
I'm okay with that, he's theirs too but on a day to day basis I'm the only one tocall him that. It started off as a joke, to wind him up…but it's just kind of stuck. He's my Remy.
I may or may not have ended up using Petrificus Totalus on them half way to the castle and only unfroze them as we got off to leave.
The last time I was at a Hogwarts beginning of the year feast was with all my favourite loved ones around me and it was a big deal, Hogwarts had just re-opened after the battle. It was a celebration, people who I'm sat at the table this time were toasted as "heroes and victims of a tragic war."
My family…the ones who are out there somewhere consider the people I call a family here victims of a tragic war. Because they died…they're supposed to die.
Dumbledore mentioned the war in his speech – this, I'm used to and remember he used to do the same until he died.
The sorting hat does the same.
It's familiar…but not in the comforting way.
My temper is starting to wear thin.
As is the usually mellow, Remus'.
"That is it." He mutters as another fan-girl who's squashed herself between him and Sirius and just elbowed his plate of chocolate cake on the floor. Being sat on his other side I feel him tense up. "That is fucking it, the last fucking straw. Sonorus."
He stands up and climbs onto the bench. "OI!"
That's one way of drawing everyone's attention.
Fred and George used to do that in the common room.
And in corridors.
And classes…not always their own.
Mainly for no reason.
"Anyone else that asks any one of us what happened in Diagon fucking Alley I will waddiwasi a tree root so far up your ass you'll be sprouting leaves out of your damn nostrils and sneezing out moss." He spits glowering around the hall before looking down at the blonde bimbo. "And you need to move."
Note to self: Never deny Remus his chocolate cake or suffer the wrath of the death glare.
Medusa who?
Remusa.
Yeeaahh!
"YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!" Sirius calls, snapping his fingers in a 'z' motion.
"Mr Lupin, are you quite done?" Professor McGonagall calls over sternly.
He nods sheepishly.
"25 points form Gryffindor for your language. Please see me after the feast."
As McGonagall talks I look at Professor Dumbledore to find him already looking my way.
I don't do or say anything but the eye contact lasts just long enough for me to think I'm ready and him to incline his head ever so slightly.
I'm not by any means ready to be a part of the war.
I'm not ready for the responsibility.
I'm not ready for anything to do with this.
But I can't leave James and everyone else here.
The only good thing that came from the attack in Diagon Alley is that I can see that no matter how unready I am, this is happening.
The threat to James, Lily, Remus, Sirius, Mum, Dad, Harry, the Weasley's is there regardless of how I act.
"THAT SERVES YOU FUCKING RIGHT, REMUS!" Sirius stands up and points dramatically drawing my attention.
"Mr Black!"
James who follow Sirius' suit and stands up making Lily glare. "James Potter, you are Head B-"
"STOP ALL THE GOD-DAMN FUCKING SWEARING!" James' indignant joins in, slamming his hand down on the table. "HOW DARE YOU FUCKING DESECRATE DARLING MINNIE'S EARS WITH SUCH GOD-DAMN ATROCITIES!"
Lily glares at me and shakes her head.
"OH, STOP THE MOTHER-FUCKING MOOSING ABOUT, JAMES!" It adds.
What the hell.
Everyone's giving me attention anyway, may as well be on my terms.
I stand on the bench. "FOR FUCK SAKE, GUYS, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE ANIMALS!"
"That. Is. Enough." An enraged Professor McGonagall shouts, flicking her wand at me and the howling boys, sealing our bottoms to the bench. "Miss Potter, Mr Black, Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew, you may all join your friend, see me after the feast."
"Aye aye Minnie!"
"It's a date, my dear lady!"
"See ya then Min!"
I simply salute her absent-mindedly, thinking about the upcoming war again.
"You. Are. Head. Boy. Or had you forgotten that before you stood up and spat out profanities in front of the entire. School." Lily seethes at James.
"Ooooooh, Jamesie's in trouble." Sirius sings and then shuts up when Remus turns his glare onto him.
I turn my attention from them while James tries to justify himself and then apologise while Sirius makes snarky comments and repeats everything James says in a high pitched voice to watch a still grumbling Remy.
"There was no need for you lot to-"
"Will you quit growling and grace us with your darling smile if I give you this?" I stick my plate under his nose to stop him from glaring at us and the people still looking over, I supress my fond giggle as his eyes automatically track the plate's movements.
Then I take it away.
Chocolate cake was all mine, Jamie's, Becc's and Esme's favourite as well.
The look he gives me is the most profound look of heartbreak I've seen in my entire life.
"Smile and aaalll this chocolatey, gooey chocolate heaven will be yours." I wave my hands around the plate as I speak.
"Go on, Moony, flash us your pearlies!" James calls over with a mouthful of treacle tart.
That's Harry's favourite too. I note pointlessly.
I don't even know how I know that…it's just something everyone at Hogwarts knew.
Remus bares his teeth at us in a slightly disturbing smile before snatching the cake and digging into it as though it holds the answer to the meaning of life.
I settle for some vanilla ice cream instead.
"There's chocolate sauce here if you want some?" Rik offers holding out the posh little sort of gravy pot that holds chocolate sauce.
Can I pour it on you?
Why do I insist on torturing myself?
I now have mental images and I'm not sure whether I should giggle or hide under the table to avoid looking at him.
"Thanks." I say to his hand, trying not to blush.
"You going to the party tonight?"
"She doesn't have a choice." James interrupts.
"Yes, man make command, woman follow." I state in my best cave woman voice - which is really just deep and mono-syllabic.
I think more than anything I sound like a male Indian chief.
Ahh well.
"And she's dressing up too." Lily adds.
"Is she now?" I ask drily.
Traitor.
"She is."
I turn to Rik, forgetting my earlier embarrassment.
"You know, I can't remember the last time I made a decision by myself." I mock-sigh and put some roast beef on my plate..
I wonder if they've got roast beef back at Hogwarts in my time.
It was...is Becc's favourite.
"About two and a half minutes ago when you landed yourself in detention with your idiot brothers."
"About a minute ago when you ever so kindly decided to give this brother your cake."
"Oh yeah." I grin before turning to Remy. "That was actually swayed by the fact you looked like you were about to cry."
"I was not going to-"
"You kinda were, Moony." James points out.
"I could see your bottom lip quivering from here." It adds.
Fuck you.
Remus just glares at us.
"Grumpy shit." I inform him sticking my tongue out and add some chocolate sauce to his cake to make up for it.
I turn to Rik. "You going?"
"He doesn't have a choice either." Adrian pats him on the head making him bat him away and scowl.
"Oh don't look so put out," Sirius scolds Rik. "-you can both sit in your little corner while the rest of us have fun."
Rik doesn't bother responding in any way other than simply to give Sirius one of those 'stop fucking talking to me before I straight up punch you in the face" looks.
I don't blame him either.
Wait…if he's still angry at Sirius does that mean he still has feelings for Marlene?
But he told her he was over her at the party last year.
Maybe he was just saying it.
No, Sirius and he were friends – he's got a reason to still be angry at him.
I stop paying attention to the conversation as possibilities about how my meeting with Dumbledore could go.
I want that development.
How much of a help will it be?
Why is Snape staring at me?
A poke pulls me out of my thoughts.
"The feast is over, Mia. Or do you just fancy staying here and stare at the Puff's for several more hours?"
I go to correct him decide better than to draw attention to it.
"As much as I prefer them over you, dear brother I'd say I'm coming up." I grin up at brother dearest.
"James, we need to show the first years up to the common room." Lily reminds him, tonelessly.
Ooooh, she's pissed.
"Christ, I thought women were supposedly to be nicer after they got something gold and shiny." Sirius jests as he rubs Lily's hair and runs forward to the Great Hall entrance before turning around. "Show some gratitude and put the head in head girl, Evans!" He cackles before turning and hightailing it out of here as Lily blushes and several first years giggle.
Poor James looks mortified and has turned a deep shade of red.
"Mr Potter," McGonagall' voice instructs from behind us making us all jump. "-please ensure you and your friends are outside my office in precisely two hours."
We make our way up and thankfully no one approaches us to ask any stupid questions.
We do get stared at a lot and as much as I should be used to it by now I'm not.
About an hour after we leave the hall, the boys are have disappeared to help set up and Lily's just about to get in the shower.
"I'm going to go see Dumbledore while you shower, okay?" I stand up feeling restless.
I wanted to go as soon as I'd finished eating but James convinced me to come sit in the head dorm for a while and I complied just to humour him and then Lily wanted to go through outfits and ideas.
"Oh, wait and I'll come wi-"
"No." I blurt out quickly and her smile falters. "I don't know what he's going to day, or even if he's going to tell me anything yet. Just shower and I'll try not to take too long – if I am then I'll come get dressed and meet you at the party."
"If you're sure. If you miss it though then I'm making you wear a skirt for every second out of lessons, is that clear?"
"Crystal." I roll my eyes and head out. "Don't forget to wash behind those ears."
Esme used to say that to us.
The walk up to Dumbledore's office is short but still slightly nerve wracking.
I hate that I still feel so off about walking around on my own.
Also, I know I'm not doing anything wrong but I don't want James or the boys to catch me.
Shit! I come to a stop at the gargoyle guarding the headmaster's office. I don't know the bloody password.
Apparently it's not much of an issue as the Gryffin concealing the stairway turns sans password.
Errrmmmm…
I pull out my wand just in case – 'constant vigilance' and all that before stepping onto them hesitantly.
The door at the top's already open but I knock anyway.
"Come straight in, Miss Potter."
"Errr, right." I mutter, still thrown off by the lack of password needed.
It doesn't take much to throw me off apparently.
"Please, take a seat." The headmaster tells me and I realise I was just stood staring at him warily. "I won't keep you long as I have a meeting with the Minister in an hour and you have yet to find out your punishment. Also, I don't think James or Lily would let you hear the end of it if you were late to the party"
It doesn't register at first but then it's safe to say I look like a deer caught in the headlights while Professor Dumbledore watches with his eyes sparkling.
He doesn't miss a bloody thing.
"You know about that?"
"Know about what?"
"The-"
Wait, what?
Ignore it.
I don't know how he knows about the party…but then, he is Dumbledore so I probably shouldn't be surprised.
He continues watching wordlessly with glinting eyes.
"So, errr about the, errr, about what you said the other day about taking some time…I've had enough. I want to know."
He watches contemplatively for a few seconds.
"What makes you sure that you saying you're ready now is any different from the times you convinced yourself before?"
Blunt.
But fair.
I had that coming.
"I haven't had to convince myself, sir. It was more of a slap in the face realisation that I couldn't avoid."
More of a Cruciatus Curse to the head actually, but close enough.
"Why now?"
"The attack. Before I felt like no matter what I did I probably couldn't make much of a difference either way now but when Diagon Alley was being attacked all I could think was that if I had been better prepared I could've protected them better. I might have noticed that it had changed from boiling hot to freezing cold, I'd have noticed before Sirius that the ice cream parlour had emptied, I might have been able to stop that little girl and that man from being hurt and what if it had been the dementors that attacked? I can't cast a patronus charm."
"They're both out of hospital now, no permanent damage has been done to them."
"Physically."
Mental damage is a lot harder to get over.
"Under the circumstances, you did very well."
"But I could've done better."
A lot better.
I could've made sure no one got hurt.
I don't know how, but I could have.
He leans forward in his chair and folds his hands under his chin.
"How?"
"I'm not a fighter, I know this but I'm motivated by the fact I want James and everyone to be safe."
"Why?"
"Hu- pardon?"
"Why do you want them to be safe?"
What the hell do you expect me to say?
"I love them."
"That's your motivation?"
Fucking yes.
"Yes."
"I'm glad you came to that conclusion yourself." The headmaster smiles kindly. "Love is underestimated by the majority but it can provide strength if you allow it to. Love should be embraced."
I don't quite know how to respond to that.
"Mia, I know you've seen war from both a secondary perspective and now, a first-hand one, I trust you have fully accepted the risks involved."
He's saying I could die.
I've thought about this.
"I don't think that's something you can fairly expect me to accept, sir."
"And why's that?"
"I'm 17." I say quietly. "I don't want to die and I don't think I'd be ready for it if it were to happen but it's not fair of you to expect that from me. I know it's a possibility and as much as it scares me – terrifies me, I'm not changing my mind."
I'm not.
I am not.
"Why?"
I shake off my annoyance at his repetitive question aside and answer truthfully. "Because they're worth it."
That scares me too.
"Very well." Is all he says.
"Sir?" I ask after a moment.
Yes, Mia?"
"I'd like to know what the development is."
"Very well."
My mouth's still hanging open in surprise when he opens a drawer and pulls out a small but heavy looking iron box with intricate swirls and designs and places it in the middle of the desk.
"This is the development?"
"This is the development."
He taps the box the times with his wand before sliding his wand across the hinges.
It opens and the inside are multiple layers of 12 tiny glass phials.
"Memories?"
"Memories the Professor McGonagall you knew gathered and sent back." Dumbledore confirms.
But how could she have done that?
"But – sir, how could she have known to do that when the memory of me has been wiped from everyone in that time?"
"From everyone but the casters of the spell – it's a loophole that none of us expected. Minerva did however assure me that she'd erase her own memory of the required information. Everything you need to know is in this."
Irritation wells up.
Why is it he never gives me the full picture?!
"I don't have a pensieve." I bite out.
"I'm going away for what may be a few weeks, you may use my own." With a wave of his wand the door of one of his drawers opens enough for a huge silver goblet shaped pensieve comes out. "You will start from the bottom left of the collection and work your way across and up through the memories – it contains everything you need to know; consider this your homework. Can I trust that you'll have made a start by the time I get back?"
There's got to be at least a hundred memories in that thing.
"Yes sir."
Where's he going?
"Is where you're going something to do with these memories?" I ask hesitantly.
I feel insolent asking these questions but if he is going because of something to do with the development then I want to know.
"It's nothing concrete, just looking for information for now." He answers evasively.
Do you always give half answers?
He is the most frustrating man on this entire bloody planet.
"Oh."
"We'll discuss the memories and what you've seen when I come back.
"Okay, sir."
"I think the preparations for this party are almost finished, I suppose Miss Evan's is waiting for you?"
"In the Head Dorm, I'm pretty sure she has my outfit, make up and even hairstyle picked out for me by now." I sigh with a slight smile.
Jamie and Becc – mostly Jamie used to pick my outfits and give me pointers on my her and make up.
"I'm sure he'll appreciate her efforts. Not that they're needed."
I feel like I've missed something.
"Pardon?"
"No matter, dear girl, no matter." He chuckles.
Does he know something I don't?
"Sir, will you cast the spell now or later?"
"Which would you prefer?" He asks calmly reaching for a lemon drop.
"Errm…I think now would be better, I know what the development is, if not all of the details but i- maybe it's…safer to cast it now?"
"A wise choice." Dumbledore nods before subjecting me to his searching gaze. "Are you absolut-"
"Yes."
He doesn't say anything for several seconds.
"This is a significant step for someone who admits that they're not a fighter, you've known these people for less than a year."
I know his questions are meant to make sure that I'm thinking my decisions through, a test of sorts, but they make me feel defensive and on edge.
I don't like the way he words them.
I shrug. "Regardless."
He peers at me for another few moments while I pretend I'm not nervous or antsy until he nods and stands. "Very well then, let us get on with this."
I nod.
The process isn't a long one, I simply have to lie down on the floor, let Dumbledore put me in some kind of thoughtless sleep and then wake up when he tells me to.
I'm never aware of when I'm sleep, but I miss the thoughtless and weightless feeling when I wake up from it.
I like the feeling of being without worries…even if it's just some semblance of a memory of feeling that way.
"It is in place, if anyone where to try and get through then they would think that today's meeting was me simply asking you to mediate between our Head boy and Head girl if you should need to.
"You may leave."
I go to leave the study and notice that the portraits of all the previous headmasters and headmistresses are all frozen in their portraits and then figure Professor Dumbledore did it so that the nature of our conversation couldn't be overheard.
Clever.
"Oh and Mia?"
I turn. "Yes, Professor?"
He leans back to watch me, his expression solemn again.
"I understand your anger towards Mr Pettigrew," he begins and I stiffen at the mention of treacherous cunt. "- I agree with your choice in not letting him in on the truth about you."
He's silent while I digest what he's just said and I sense he's not done.
"But?"
"But for now he's just a school boy who's surrounding himself with peers who are more capable, more popular and more successful than himself – his future as a traitor is no more set in stone any more than the deaths of Lily and James."
I flinch at the last part of his sentence – as much as I've stopped being denial I still can't bear to hear that.
"No one ought to be punished for a crime they haven't and may not commit."
"He's weak." I state unforgivingly.
He's a cunt, he's going to take James and Lily away from me.
"Everyone deserves a second chance." I open my mouth to interrupt but he continues before I can. "Especially in a time when they haven't had so much as thought of messing up the first one."
Not him.
I hesitate in giving an answer, not knowing what to say.
I don't want to give the stupid shit a chance.
"Think of it this way, you might not just save Harry's future and that of those you've come to love but that of a scared and rather misguided young man for whom your guidance may be exactly what he needs."
That makes me scoff.
"Guidance? What makes you believe I'll be able to guide him into doing what's right?"
"Hope, Mia, I simply hope. I don't believe Peter Pettigrew is evil and if he can be guided then I hope you'll do what's right." He looks at me piercingly before his expression becomes pleasant again. "Have fun."
I turn and make my way back to Professor McGonagall's office with the headmaster's words tumbling around in my head, by the time I get to the office I'm annoyed.
I leave with a firm telling off and two detentions – both to be completed with Sirius assisting Hagrid with anything he needs help with.
I'm just hoping whatever he needs help with doesn't include the Forbidden Forest.
I've gone this long with only having breached the first few yards of it –even then only for Care of Magical Creatures – and I'd rather keep that up.
I shake my head and decide to deal with it later.