I felt like randomly posting today. Not sure if anyone still reads this story, but kind of determined to finish it. Kind of owe it to my Spashley loving self from all those years ago.
Spencer
Ashley tastes like home.
It's a strange comparison to make, but whenever Ashley kisses her she immediately thinks of home. She thinks of comfort and love and everything that makes a home feel like a home. The moment her lips touch Ashley's she feels the need to sink in.
And she regrets that she keeps giving into this feeling.
She regrets giving Ashley these pieces of herself knowing that Ashley still won't have all of them. She wishes that she could give Ashley everything, but she's too broken for that.
And she refuses to break Ashley any further.
She watches Ashley disappear into her house and she does the same.
And she tries to ignore the voice that tells her to go after the brunette.
/
She tells Clay about the kiss.
"Did you kiss her back?" They're both sitting on the couch and he's watching her without a hint of judgement.
"Yes," she answers honestly because it's Clay.
"So you still have feelings for her?"
She wants to tell Clay that's a stupid question to ask because she's known Ashley since she was thirteen. She can still picture the first time she saw the brunette. Ashley has always been the most interesting person she's ever met. The entire world could disappear and she wouldn't bat an eye as long as Ashley was by her side. Feelings is an understatement.
She has hope for Ashley
She has warmth for Ashley.
She has passion for Ashley.
She has everything for Ashley except the one thing Ashley needs the most.
"It's Ashley," she whispers. Clay must hear her because he just nods in return. "And because it's Ashley, I have to do what's right for her. And I'm not it." She feels those familiar tears once again and Clay rubs her leg in encouragement. "No matter how much I want us to work. No matter how much she wants us to work and Clay, she wants us to work so fucking bad that it breaks my soul," her voice cracks at the end. Clay slides closer to her and squeezes her in his arms. It's the crack that causes the flood and soon she's sobbing into his arms. "I miss her so much Clay."
"You should…"
"I can't!" She doesn't mean to shout, but she knows what he will say. He will tell her to talk to Ashley and try… something. But the thing about Spencer is that she doesn't know how to not want to kiss Ashley. Ashley's kiss is her favorite work of art.
"That's deep," Clay interrupts. The heat rushes to her cheeks as she realizes she just spoke out loud. "I know you don't want to hear this… but have you considered that maybe you're in l…"
She's up and off the couch before he can finish. Spencer's ready and willing to bolt to her room and lock the door, but Clay traps her in his arms.
"It's okay… It's okay," he whispers into her ear. She tries to fight him, but his grip only tightens. "I know love scares you Spence. You flinch anytime the word is mentioned." He strokes her hair which helps to calm her nerves. "So, we won't use that word okay? We'll use another word. We'll use biscuits." She laughs involuntarily and his chuckle follows behind. "It's the only thing I could think of." He pulls away, but only to lead them to the couch. She sits down without a fight and plops himself right next to her. "Biscuits are good, right?"
She laughs in return so he continues.
"There are different kind of biscuits. There are dog biscuits, tea biscuits, and then there are the ones you eat for breakfast. Dog biscuits are the bad kind of l… biscuits. I'm sure they taste good, but it's not good for you. Because it's not meant for you." She nods her head in understanding. "Then there are tea biscuits. They taste good, but they aren't the same. These biscuits aren't the one. You like these biscuits, but you can't live off of them. Those biscuits are kind of what we have."
"We care about each other, but we aren't in biscuits together," she adds. He laughs and nods his head.
"But then there are breakfast biscuits. The thick flaky kind where you swear you could live off those alone. You can smell them no matter where you are in the house and even when you swear you don't want one you still end up taking a taste."
"Ashley is breakfast biscuits."
"Ashley is the whole damn breakfast." Clay nudges her shoulder when he jokes. He pulls her close to his chest and as she lays there she thinks that in a different life he would have been a great older brother. "The scariest part of biscuits are when you first open them. The first steps are always scary, but you'll never have biscuits unless you open the package."
"Clay…" She whispers into his chest. He doesn't respond so she decides to continue speaking. "You're weird."
He lets out a long chuckle and the vibrations from his laugh makes her smile.
"Yes, but I love you."
He holds her and it feels something like having a brother again.
/
"There's a party tonight."
Clay mentions it casually while the three of them are watching TV. She's sitting on the with Chelsea while Clay is sprawled across the couch.
(She secretly loves how comfortable they are in her house. They've even stolen the key she kept under the backdoor rug.)
"Is there?" She tries to pretend like she doesn't see Chelsea watching her with hopeful eyes. She knows they've been dying to get her to do regular teenager things. "You know what happened the last time."
She's honest with them. It's new and confusing, but she never wants to lie to them.
"Spencer," Chelsea calls softly. She faces Chelsea and finds the other girl staring back. "What happened to you was tragic, but it wasn't your fault. It wasn't because of a party. It was because a little boy took his pain and anger out on everyone else. You can't stop living because then he really wins." Chelsea sighs and instinctively towards Clay. She follows the other girl's gaze to see Clay shrug.
"YOLO," he says without any emotion. It makes her smile against her will and before she knows it, she's agreeing.
/
The party is at Clay's friend, Sean's house.
They walk in and Spencer finds herself tugging down her red tank top. Chelsea chose her outfit and made her promise not to complain. She's wearing dark jeans with black flats. It's a compromise of who she is and who Chelsea thinks she can be. There's a sliver of skin showing and she feels the breeze when they shut the door.
The house is packed and while she should feel claustrophobic, she feels at ease knowing that she is no one in this crowd. Clay and Chelsea both grab her hand and pull her to the kitchen. In the kitchen, everyone is crowded around a makeshift bar. In the center, there is a guy with a small afro mixing drinks like his life depends on it. He stops when he sees them and has someone nearby take over before walking to the group.
"Clay, my man." He grips Clay's hands and pulls him into a hug. They pull away and the same guy throws his arms around Chelsea. "Chelsea, my dear, how is my favorite couple this evening?"
"We're good, Sean," Clay answers. Sean pulls away from Chelsea and sets his sights on Spencer.
"This your sister?" He points at Spencer and she struggles to comprehend why he would call her Clay's sister. "I see the family resemblance," he jokes.
"This is my sister, Spencer."
"I'm Glen and this is my sister, Spencer. We're twins." Glen gestures between them proudly and she rolls her eyes because she knows he thinks this Davies girl is cute.
"Nice to meet you, Spencer." Sean wraps her in a hug, but she's still stuck in that moment. She hasn't been someone's sister in a long time. Are you still a sister if you have no brother? "Clay talks about you all the time."
Sean's words pull her out of her thoughts. Clay and Chelsea watch her with concern and while she wants to make a good impression with Sean, she can't be here right now.
"I'm sorry… I just need… air." She motions towards the back door and walks away from everyone before they can oppose. She makes it outside and even though she's freezing, she feels like she can breathe.
"So, here's the thing…"
Spencer looks towards the voice and finds a raven-haired girl a few steps from her. She observes the girl and decides right away that she's attractive. She's wearing the tightest jeans known to man and a white blouse with a black leather jacket. The girl's hair comes down in waves and suddenly Spencer can't form words.
"I was going to come over and use a cheesy pick up line. I was fully prepared to be all 'how much does a polar bear weight?' but then I realized that I just really want to tell you you're beautiful." The girl takes cautious steps towards Spencer and soon they are face to face.
This has never happened to Spencer before.
She and Ashley danced around each other for so long until Glen pushed them together. By the time he did, Ashley was already in love with her.
No pick-up line needed.
Ashley just put her cards on the table and Spencer picked them up because if she was honest with herself, she's always been infatuated with the brunette. So, they never did this.
Flirting is not something Spencer is good at.
"How much?" She's horrified the second the words are out of her mouth. It must show because the raven-haired girl laughs before quirking an eyebrow. "How much does a polar bear weight?" She tries again.
"Enough to break the ice. I'm Lexi." The smile on Spencer's face is involuntary, but she willing shakes the other girl's hand. "And you are?"
"Spencer," she answers coolly. She goes back to her normal behavior. She can do stand offish, she excels at nonchalance.
"Spencer," Lexi rolls the name over her tongue and smiles. "I knew you would have a unique name."
Lexi smirks and it makes Spencer tingle. Ashley makes her feel loved, but Lexi makes her feel sexy.
"What's the craziest thing you've ever done, Spencer?"
/
She wishes she knew what drove her to this.
She wishes she knew why she let Lexi lead her into the bathroom. She wishes she knew why the dark-haired girl's lips and hands were roaming Spencer's body like Spencer belonged to her.
But rational thought has left the room.
Lexi pulled her into the nearest bathroom after that question and soon her lips were tainted. She's never kissed anyone other than Ashley and here was this girl doing what it took Ashley years to do.
Lexi pulls away from her neck, but her hands grip Spencer's waist. Spencer's body is at war with her heart. Every touch burns her and sends desire flooding through her body. But her heart, her heart says that this is wrong.
Her heart says her body should belong to Ashley.
"You okay?" There's concern underneath the longing in Lexi's voice. Spencer knows Lexi wants her, but apparently, the girl has a conscious.
Before Spencer can answer, she's being pushed forward by the door opening. Lexi is quick to shut it though and the person on the other side of the door yelps.
"We're a bit busy in here."
"Well get unfucking busy because I have to pee."
Life cannot be this cruel.
Life would not do this to her. Life would not let that voice belong to who she thinks it belongs to. She immediately distances herself from Lexi before opening the door.
And life just loves fucking with her.
"Dana," she breathes. The girl looks up at the sound of her name and shakes her head in disbelief."
"My fucking luck," Dana sighs. She's upset for a minute, but once Lexi pokes her head out the girl becomes furious. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
She wants to say it's not what it looks like, but she tries not to lie anymore.
Dana takes off in a hurry and she follows hot on her trail. Lexi says something, but Spencer ignores her. If Ashley's here, then Spencer wants to be the one to tell her. She's surprised when Dana heads out of the party, but doesn't stop her pursuit. She sees Clay and Chelsea and throws them a look that she's okay before walking out into the cold air.
Dana reaches her car and Spencer realizes that Ashley's not here.
It should ease her fears, but they only grow. All that means is she won't be able to defend herself from whatever Dana says.
"So, what? You're going to run and tell her." Spencer goes into attack mode. She knows Dana and Ashley aren't just friends and the news of Spencer's bathroom exploits will only bring them together.
"Okay… so we're doing this?" Dana drops her bag and turns to face Spencer. Spencer refuses her back down.
If it's a bitch off Dana wants, Spencer will be happy to give it to her.
She doesn't really know Dana, but she doesn't like her. She doesn't like her because for weeks she had to watch this girl hang all over Ashley like they were in love. She had to watch this girl kiss Ashley and pretend like it wasn't killing Spencer inside.
"We're doing this," she responds firmly.
"I don't fucking like you."
"It's mutual," Spencer quips.
"I don't like you because no matter what you do, she still loves you. Saint Spencer can do no wrong apparently. But we both know that you're really just a bitch." Spencer's ready to interrupt, but Dana is quick to continue. "You would hurt her a thousand times to save yourself one moment of heartbreak. You hurt her so she never has the power to hurt you."
Spencer freezes.
Dana senses this vulnerability like a shark smells blood. She knows she's touched on something real and that's all she needs to attack.
"I'm right aren't I? You're selfish. You don't want to give up your power because that would make you vulnerable. Your heart would be in Ashley's hands and if it turns out that she doesn't love the real you, she could choose to break it."
"You don't know anything," Spencer tries weakly. It's no use. That line is the equivalent to taking a hard blow and pretending it doesn't hurt.
"And that's what makes you fucking stupid," Dana exhales like she's tired. "You're stupid because if you know anything about Ashley, then you know she would never hurt you."
"I know Ashley." She's firm in her words. She refuses to let Dana think that she doesn't know Ashley. "I've known her since I was thirteen."
"And you didn't give her the time of day until you were fifteen. I know the story, Spencer. I've heard Ashley spin it as some epic romance when you were really just stringing her along. I can probably name every single story about her pursuing you, but there are absolutely none about you pursuing her."
"It's not like that." Spencer's running out of cliché sayings and now she wants to just run and hide. She wants the safety of Clay and Chelsea.
"She went after you," Dana yells. "There was an active… fucking active, Spencer… shooter. There was an active shooter and the second she knew you were in danger, she went after you." Spencer shuts her eyes because she doesn't need to be reminded. "She risked her fucking life for you. Do you know how many people can say that? Do you know how many people are loved that much at our age?"
Spencer doesn't respond.
"Fucking not many, Spencer Carlin. Not many people run into a fucking school shooting with no regard for their lives."
"I didn't ask her to," Spencer retorts. It gets the desired reaction because Dana looks like she wants to shoot Spencer herself. The red-haired girl's jaw has dropped and Spencer imagines if they were a cartoon there would be smoke coming out of her ears.
"Didn't ask her to? You fucking didn't ask her to?" Dana takes a deep breath and tries to collect herself. "I told her not to save you."
To be honest, Spencer's not surprised.
"I told her not to save you and maybe a part of me… a small… teeny… tiny… part of me wanted you to get shot. I thought it might have taught you humility."
"Guess we all can't get what we want," Spencer shrugs. She won't be judged by Ashley's girlfriend. She refuses for this girl to act like she knows Spencer.
"Do you even realize how scary that must have been for her?" Dana tries a different route and swiftly captures Spencer's attention. "Have you ever thought what it was like for her to run through those hallways not knowing what would happen? Have you ever thought about what it must have felt like for her to watch the love of her life bleed out in her arms? You were dying in her arms, Spencer." She flinches at Dana's words and now Dana knows she has her. "She was covered in your blood thinking you were both going to die and all I can think about is how scared she must have been. She stayed by your bed for days. For fucking days, Spencer. She wouldn't move and she completely abandoned her sister because she didn't want you to be alone."
She's crying now. She doesn't have to check her face to know that.
She's never thought about that. She's honest with herself and she wonders who would have been there if Ashley didn't hop into that ambulance.
No one. Absolutely no one.
"She's always thinking about you. Glen, Kyla, Herself, they all take a back seat because she's too wrapped up in you to see anything else. She doesn't even sleep until she knows you're home. She loves you so fucking much and I swear to god Spencer if you say that you didn't ask her to I will beat you within an inch of your life."
"I wasn't going to," she whispers.
"You're at parties kissing girls and I couldn't get Ashley to come out because she knew you were out. She wanted to make sure you got home." Dana shakes her head and soon they're both crying. "I love her."
Her words cause Spencer to stop breathing.
"She's so fucking wonderful. She's attentive and sweet and loyal and so fucking good. She's everything that people write down when they're looking for the One. She looks at me and… and I just love her. I love her and I fucking want her Spencer." There is a fierceness in her voice and Spencer knows she's not just talking platonically. "She kisses me and it takes everything in me not to fuck you out of her body's existence."
That's her last straw. She storms up to Dana fully intent on making this girl regret coming out tonight, but Dana's voice comes through.
"I'm going to tell her." All of the anger leaves Spencer's body and soon she's left with fear. "I'm going to tell her what I saw and then I'm going to tell her that I love her. I don't care if that's not the fair thing. I really fucking don't, Spencer. I love Ashley and unlike you… I'm going to do something about it."
It happens too fast for her to think about it.
The anger in her chest grows until her entire body feels warm. Suddenly, the rage is suffocating her and it begs to be released. The demons in her demand freedom and for the first time she grants them their wish. She throws the punch and Dana flies to the ground. She doesn't allow herself to think before she climbs on top of Dana fully intent on destroying her.
Swift arms wrap around her though and she's lifted up.
It's Clay. She knows his hold anywhere and all of the fight leaves her body. This rage doesn't belong to him and she refuses to let him take the beating. She crumbles into his arms while Chelsea checks on Dana.
"Clay… I…" She doesn't finish. She doesn't even know what she wants to say. She just knows that there are words in her that are begging to get out. They claw her insides and she's just in so much pain from not knowing.
She doesn't know what this is and it's killing her.
/
Clay and her sit in her driveway for ten minutes in silence.
Chelsea went inside. A slight nod to Clay before she goes inside. Chelsea didn't say much the entire ride and it made Spencer feel more ashamed. The dark-haired girl merely tosses Spencer a worried expression before stepping into the house.
She was doing so well before tonight.
"I'm sorry." It doesn't feel like enough, but it's the first thing that falls out of Spencer's mouth. "I didn't…"
"You have to stop this."
"It's not like I go around punching people all the time, Clay," she defends. She tells him how it was a onetime thing, but the entire time he's shaking his head. The more she talks the more he shakes and soon he's slamming his hand against his steering wheel.
"When are you going to stop, Spencer! When are you going to stop lying to yourself?" He's never yelled at her before and Spencer jumps at the sound. Clay realizes his mistake and his voice softens. "Why did you hit her?"
"She was being a bitch."
"Why did you hit her, Spencer?" He tries again.
"I told you. She was saying things and they just got to me."
"Spencer," he commands. She feels that familiar tightening in her chest and there's a lump that she can't swallow.
"Clay… please…" She begs.
"Spencer… please…" She reaches for the door handle, but Clay pulls it shut. He's in her space and if he were anyone else she would be going for round two.
But there is nothing, but kindness in his eyes.
"It will eat you up alive if you don't say it." She's crying now and she wonders when she became that girl who cries all the time. She wipes at her tears and becomes frustrated when they won't stop. Clay takes her hands in his and doesn't release them when she pulls away. "You have to tell her. You have to tell her because what you feel is too strong to keep inside of you. I love you too much to let you drown in it."
She's not dumb. She knows what it is.
She opens her mouth to say what's been killing her to keep in, but the pounding on the window makes them both jump.