title: thanks for the memories
pairing: the usual suspects—that is, SasuSaku, ShikaIno, NaruHina, and NejiTen
for: coconut.mandarin, who asked me for drunk!fic.
summary: AU. Drunken crack!fic. In which the boys find out why leaving Naruto alone with unattended drinks ranks right up there with trying to separate Kakashi from his porn.
notes: A thousand apologies to coconut.mandarin, for the delay in the NejiTen. I have an outline, but the words haven't been coming. I'll get back to that as soon as the muse strikes again, though. Also, some indelicate phrasing, courtesy of icky drunk boys.
Doburoku is home-brewed Japanese sake, sometimes compared to moonshine.
disclaimer: not not not not mine, not mine.
"I'll have another Screwdriver, please," Neji said, stepping over Naruto's fourth pile of vomit with a singular look of distaste. Or was it the fifth? He couldn't really remember—the green and orange looked too similar under the fluorescence, and the stench was about the same, really. He thanked Sasuke with a curt nod before making his way back to his seat, to nurse his drink.
"Pussy-man! Have a real drink! Just 'cuz your hair's girly, doesn't mean you have to be!" Neji was saved from the indignity of having to answer to the Neanderthal by—
"DAMMIT THAT HURT!"
"Good," Sasuke sniffed, taking another sip of his drink. Naruto narrowed his eyes, thoughtfully.
"You too, Emo-Princess, with your stupid Vodka Red Bulls. What the hell's wrong with you? Did you forget how to hit while you were with Prissy Pants? You have to slap people to end your fights now? What the hell was that, anyway?"
"That," Shikamaru answered drolly, "is what is colloquially referred to as a dummy smack. Aptly named, in this particular instance." He took a swig of the beer in his hand, before pouring himself o-sake. "Why are we here, again?"
"We're here," Naruto said to the potted plant in the corner, "to celebrate my last year as a free man!"
"…you're getting married tomorrow, Naruto. Remember?"
The blond blinked blearily, before nodding to himself.
"Oh yeah! Absolutely. Totally—I remember!"
"Idiot," Sasuke sneered.
"Moron," Neji added, not relishing the idea that this lump of intoxicated flesh would be part of his extended family come noon the next day.
"Troublesome," Shikmaru added. "I need a smoke." He stepped out into the balcony of Naruto's top-floor office, and shut the door behind him.
Neji picked up his drink, intending to take another sip of his drink, when a sudden vibrating noise came from the vicinity of his pants pocket. Naruto leered.
"Hey, Neji. Didn't know you were into the kinky stuff."
Neji gave him a scathing glare before moving into the hallway to take the call in private. Sasuke, unwilling to deal with Naruto, excused himself to go to the rest room down the hall, leaving the blond swaying on his feet.
At least, until he was sure that he was alone. Then, he allowed himself to straighten to his full height—a respectable 5'10—before patting the glass bottle in his right pocket, and the tape recorder in his left. Grinning, he made his way to Neji's drink, and poured in three shots of the milky-white liquid.
He'd always known that his ability to vomit on command would come in handy one day.
-
"What's this…"
"It's milk for a growing-boy, bastard! Drink up!"
"This doesn't taste like—mmphglorfle."
"My drink smells funny."
"Don't be silly! What, you think I'm trying to drug you?"
"I wouldn't be surprised if—"
"That's crazy talk. There's more where that came from, so don't worry about taking big sips!"
"Weren't you drunk?"
"There you are, Shikamaru! Here's your drink…"
-
"…and Sakura never ever ever lets me top, ever! Ever!" Sasuke hiccuped pitifully, looking like he was on the verge of tears.
Naruto did too, but for completely different reasons. He hadn't realized how absolutely amazing and divine and wonderful alcohol was until just this moment. Silently, the blond thanked every god he could remember—and a few he'd made up just for the occasion—for his father's insistence that there be security cameras in every office of his building.
This was just too, too precious. Grinning maniacally to himself, he nodded sympathetically in tandem with Sasuke's drunken rambling.
"She just…just…gets the handcuffs out, and I'm just done for! Oh sure, sometimes, I get to hold the whip, but only when she's not looking and she always catches me and—" he broke off, and sniffled, rubbing his hands over his face blearily. My God, Naruto thought gleefully, he's totally trashed.
"That's nothing," Neji said. In stark contrast to the ordered picture he made earlier, his hair was now loose from its customary queue, and his eyes were dazed. His Windsor knot was square-shaped, and the first three buttons of his shirt were undone. "At least she doesn't make you wear anything weird. Tenten's had me in the pony suit more times than I care to remember. And, and…I just…I can't hear the word banana, without feeling dirty," he revealed, looking away.
Naruto wondered if he was looking for his dignity.
"I know what you mean," Sasuke commiserated. "Whenever I hear Nasdaq, a little part of me dies inside."
"Ino won't let me wear anything to bed," Shikamaru said, continuing the tale of Male Woe solemnly. "She expects me to be ready for it anytime of the night, and sex is great, and she's beautiful, but sometimes, I just can't, and I'm so tired of feeling like a piece of meat! I am not a toy monkey," he said, showing more passion in the past hour than he had in all the years Naruto had known him sober. "I can't just…perform whenever she wants me to!"
"We should fight this," Sasuke said, swaying. Naruto had to give him credit. He'd taken five shots of moonshine like a man, before starting in on his relationship woes. Neji had succumbed after three, but Shikamaru had taken a surprising six, before spilling his guts. The blond decided that he owed everything in his life, up to and including his first-born child to the god called doburoku.
Speaking of which, he'd have to leave an extra large bonus check for the cleaning service tomorrow. By the looks of this place, he decided, they'd definitely have earned it.
He settled back into the cushions of his leather couch and gave a thumbs up to the four cameras in each corner, safe with the knowledge that every single moment of this most epic night of traumatizing debauchery was being captured for posterity.
Or well, for something more immediate, and far less lofty.
Like a wedding reception.
-
"I'm going to kill you, Naruto!"
"No time, no time! Gotta get ready, gotta get married, go go go!"
"Dead last, your ass is mine."
"You'll have to take that up with Hinata-chan, bastard, but—"
"I'll kill you."
"Ne, Neji-niisan said that already, Sasuke-teme."
"You're so lucky I'm hung-over, Naruto, or I'd be helping them."
"Yeah, yeah, save it for later, we gotta go! I can't wait until the reception."
"Hungry, moron?"
"Oh, no. No. Not hungry."
"…then, what? I don't like that smile."
"Oh, would you look at that—gotta go get married!"
"Naruto!"
"Idiot."
"What a drag…"
-
The reception was going wonderfully, or so Naruto thought. He could hardly wait. If the clock on the other side of the ball room was correct, he had only another two minutes to wait before The Unveiling.
"Dead last wanted us to get him strippers," Sasuke said with faint disapproval, three seats down from the happy couple. The lights were going low now, and Naruto could almost taste the victory. "But we refused." He looked smug at Sakura's delighted smile, and smirked into the kiss she insisted on giving him as a reward.
"Oh yes, Sakura-chan. They did refuse to get me strippers. But that's OK," Naruto said, almost innocently, sipping at his champagne.
"They gave me something a lot better."
Just then, Hanabi rose from her seat, ready to begin her role as Master of Ceremonies.
"Friends, family, and loved ones," she began, looking at Naruto with scheming eyes. In reply, the blond simply winked back. "Thank you for coming to celebrate the wedding of my beloved older sister, to the other half of her mold, Uzumaki Naruto. To begin the program, the groom has compiled a tape of his fondest memories, made to showcase some of the finer moments in the span of this courtship…"
I - I think I want to expand this. Someone stop me, plzkthnx.