36. Needs and Wants

Rod raised his head and looked at the clock next to his bed: 5:00 a.m. He turned his pillow over to the cool side and closed his eyes. He'd sleep for another couple of hours and then head to campus to see if there was a pickup game going. He tossed and turned for the next thirty minutes and then gave up.

He rolled out of bed and almost rolled back in. It was frigid. Shivering, he quickly turned off the ceiling fan and turned on the heat. He liked the temperature cold when he slept. But it was a freezing January morning.

Wearing only a pair of long shorts, he strode into the kitchen and hurriedly made a protein drink before turning on the fireplace in the living room and settling himself on the adjacent love seat, his long legs stretched out on the hearth. The heat felt good on his bare legs, arms and chest.

While leisurely drinking his routine pre-exercise meal, he let his thoughts wander. School started again on Wednesday. But until then, he had 48 hours of peace, or at least quiet. He hadn't been at peace in…. He counted back the weeks and came up with nine. Exactly nine weeks since his future had become clouded—since everything he wanted, and everything he'd been planning for, had seemingly disappeared in the blink of an eye. Or more precisely, in the few seconds it takes to throw an elbow. He shook his head. That last part wasn't accurate. His choice on the basketball court wasn't the cause of their break up. It didn't create the rift between them.

He still had so many questions about what had happened and why. Almost hourly he had to fight the urge to force her to listen. He resisted because it would change nothing—not anything of significance. He might be able to get her to listen. However, he couldn't compel her to trust and open her heart to him. Only she could make that decision. It had to be done freely, and not the product of coercion. He loved her. But it wasn't enough. Not for either of them.

Silently he berated himself. It's been nine weeks, bud. Isn't that time enough for things to change if they're going to change? Besides, she hasn't changed her mind. She's still with him all the time. Move on. Let go.

He'd never been in this position before, and he was learning it wasn't easy to forget or to give up hope—no matter how fleeting or unlikely it may be. If it were, he'd currently be on a cruise ship in the Caribbean with several of his classmates, including some very hot females who'd been flirting with him like crazy the past several weeks now that he was (at least theoretically) back "on the market."

He'd played along with them. Why not? He was a free man. But it wasn't fair to them. His motives weren't what they should be. He was motivated by several thoughts and none of them were right. They were human but they weren't right. He was proud, angry and frustrated. And if he was honest, he'd been trying to make her jealous by hanging out with them, and returning their flirtatious smiles and comments. A part of him wanted to hurt her like he'd been hurt; and he hoped that maybe somehow it would cause her to change her mind.

The bottom line, however, was that they weren't what he wanted or needed; and it wasn't fair to any of them—including her—to continue to play that game. They were girls—nice girls—but girls nonetheless. Mackenzie, on the other hand, was a woman. A brilliant, beautiful, affectionate, proud, challenging woman, with a sensitive soul she fought against lest she be perceived as weak. And he still loved her.

He looked around the room. He hadn't spent much time here the past nine weeks. He slept here. That was about it. During finals he'd had a couple of cram sessions here with his study group, but that was only because it was quiet and they could spread out. Otherwise, he'd been avoiding the place. Everything in his home reminded him of her. He felt like he no longer belonged. He was a stranger here and not, the king of his castle.

Suddenly an idea came to him. Maybe if he sold the place—or at least rented it out, and bought a new place, it would help him do what he had to find a way to do: Let go and move on. After basketball, he'd pick up one of the local real estate newspapers that could be found at every gas station and grocery store.

He was awake now and warm. Time to go work off the day's frustrations in advance, he told himself. He washed out the blender and his glass then went into the spare bedroom to get his shaving kit from its bathroom. Enough is enough, he told himself. Today you are using your bathroom. He'd been in there one time in nine weeks. He'd taken one look at the mirror, hastily gathered his toiletries and walked out, angrily slamming the door behind him. Coward, wimp… fool, he chastised.

He took a deep breath, opened the bathroom door and turned on the light. He removed his razor, toothpaste and toothbrush from his kit. He couldn't, however, get himself to look at the mirror. He knew he should grab a wet towel and wipe it all away. But he couldn't. He was stuck. He couldn't look at it and he couldn't admit it was truly over between them by removing it. It's okay, he told himself. Give yourself a break. You're here. Tomorrow… or the next day… or even the next, you'll do what needs to be done. He could brush his teeth and wash his face without looking at it. Until he could force himself to look at it or wipe it clean, he simply wouldn't shave—or he'd do it at the gym.

He put on his basketball clothes and running shoes, and threw some jeans, loafers and a sweatshirt along with his basketball shoes in his gym bag. He'd run a few miles and lift weights and then hopefully play some hoops. He'd been logging a lot of miles on the treadmill and repetitions in the weight room the past several weeks. The gym was one place he'd always felt at home. On the way out he turned off the fireplace, grabbed a jacket and his car keys.

He shivered again as he was confronted by the frosty morning air. Quickly he moved to the car. Unfortunately the windows were covered with ice. He turned on the engine and the front and rear defrosts. The next place he bought would have a garage, he decided, as he hastily he scraped most of the window area before driving the short distance to campus.

XXXXXXXXXX

A couple of hours later he left the basketball court with Cooper. He'd been surprised to find Cooper around today since it was break.

"You free this morning?" Cooper asked as they walked into the locker room.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Let's get some breakfast. I'm starved."

"Sounds good," Rod agreed.

The quickly showered and changed but Rod decided not to bother shaving. There really was no point in the exercise today. Hanging out is all he would be doing the next couple of days.

They decided to eat at the main campus cafeteria. They didn't want to bother with their cars and it was too cold to walk someplace off campus. Grabbing a couple of trays they went through the serving line. Cooper was first and Rod followed him to a table in the corner.

After they had made a good start on attacking their food, Rod asked, "What are you doing here anyway? I thought you'd be on a beach somewhere, basking in the sun and waiting for a monster wave."

"Would like to be doing that, but I'm an engaged man, remember? And Kim's in school."

Rod shook his head with a smile. "I can't believe she's actually willing to tie herself to your miserable hide. Particularly after that freaky proposal."

Cooper returned his cheeky grin. "What can I say? She's a wise woman." He returned his focus to the stack of pancakes in front of him, trying to figure out how to bring up the conversation they needed to have.

After a few minutes Rod asked, "Hey, the moot court team runs the first year competition, right?" The legal writing class for 1L's spring term consisted of participation in a moot court competition. Each student was assigned to represent a party in a mock appeal, which included writing a brief and participating in an oral argument before a panel of judges.

"Yeah," Cooper acknowledged. "Carl's actually the one in charge but we'll all be involved."

"You'll help an old friend out with some advice, right?" He found the whole process rather intimidating at the moment.

"Sure."

Rod put down his fork. "Coop…"

Cooper looked up. "Yeah?"

"You've been distracted all morning. What's going on?"

He, too, put down his fork and pushed aside his tray. Taking a deep breath he said, "I had a long talk with Mac right before the break."

Rod stared at him. Just hearing her name spoken aloud still physically affected him. "I see." Trying to appear only casually interested he took a drink of juice. "How is she?"

"How do you think she is?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Every time I see her she seems happy. Content to be with Mike." He and Stanton may have made their peace on the basketball court, but that didn't mean he had to like the guy.

"That is a load of crap," Cooper said raising his voice. "She's miserable. She's not interested in Mike. They're only friends and you know it."

"They sure looked cozy the other night sitting on the library steps together with his arm all over her," Rod said defiantly. "She definitely wasn't fighting him off. Seemed to be enjoying his touch."

"Just like you're enjoying the attention of every hot girl in the first year class—along with more than a few in the second and third year classes?"

"I'm a free man," Rod responded with an indifferent shrug. "Why not enjoy what the law school has to offer? You of all people should understand how it is."

"Bull shit," Cooper told him bluntly.

He was momentarily stunned by his friend's reaction. But then he smiled. Cooper knew him too well. "All right. I get the message. So are you going to tell me what the two of you talked about?"

"I can't. It's not my place," he said meeting Rod's questioning look.

Rod studied him. One quality he'd always admired in Cooper was his loyalty. But he also knew that he would not have brought the subject up if there weren't something he wanted him to understand. "So why bring it up?"

"I don't know. Thought you should know." In truth, Cooper wanted him prepared. If Mac did make a move, he wanted him in the right frame of mind to give her what she needed and not throw her offering back in her face.

"I see."

"Look, Rod. I'm on your side. In your shoes I'd have reacted the same way—both with Mike and with her. But no matter how many cute classmates I see around you, I know you're not interested in any of them. Mac is the woman you want. And, for what it's worth, I strongly believe that you are the man she needs."

He sighed heavily. "Thanks, Coop. I mean it. And I agree with you. I'm not the one you need to convince though. My feelings and desires virtually from the moment we collided have never been in doubt. They still aren't. But this… this has to be up to Mackenzie."