Sorry this one took several days, life- you know? (All is well, just busy.)

I've been slowly working on edits of prior chapters and will likely do a big edit once I've finished this. Speaking of, we're winding down. Only 1 or 2 more chapters and an epilogue (likely taking the place of 17) to go.

I was listening to the radio in my husband's car and heard "See Beneath Your Beautiful"- I'm sure it's been out for a while, but I never listen to the radio in my car. What an achingly beautiful song! And so K/J… especially J- wow.

Ok, back to business-to save some time, since I'm already late with this one- thanks for all the reviews! You are all too kind. :)

Only one chapter for 15- the show had like ZERO K/J (or real plot) since it was dedicated almost solely to Derek and his scandals.

Of course I own nothing.

Jimmy

Kyle was right.

It's the only thought in my head as I watch Karen walk out the door- Kyle was right.

I think she might have taken some vital part of me with her. It feels like there is a hole in my chest and it's hard to breathe- but somehow I'm still on my feet. Though I'm not sure how- I didn't think you were supposed to be able to live without a heart.

But I am and for what feels like an eternity I stand, frozen in the spot where she left me, still staring at the place where she disappeared. Slowly, the crippling pain begins to change into something more manageable.

This. This feeling is EXACTLY why I don't let people get close to me. They always leave. ALWAYS. She says she accepts my flaws- and then she walks away because of them. I told her I wanted a future with her- I told her how I felt- and that I'd do anything to make it work with her- and she left. What was I thinking?

She's no different than anyone else. I rub my eyes with my fingertips trying to rid myself of the image of her leaving.

My hand is wet. Wait- was I crying? I wipe my face, erasing the traitorous tears. I don't cry- certainly not over some girl.

I pull myself up straight and with a deep breath I walk out the door. I march to the dressing area and change- determined to act like everything is fine. But my movements are too jerky, too hasty not to give away my true state of mind.

While shoving my stuff in my bag, I knock a pile of clothes and papers off the table. Annoyed, I snatch them up and fling them back onto the table. A dull flash catches my eye as I lean down to pick up the last of it. I pause and look around. I'm alone in the dressing room. Everyone else has gone.

I pull out the small plastic bag. 'Don't do anything stupid,' Karen's words echo in my head. Like it matters- she left me.

'You're not that person anymore,' her voice as my conscious continues. I clutch the bag in my hand. Aren't I?

My decision here could really define that. I open my hand and cock my head to look at the crumpled piece of plastic. Huh. That's weird- the pull toward the bag in my hand is less than it normally is when my emotions are overloaded like this. But then, I've spent the last few months resisting that urge when I've felt this way.

Maybe I am changing.

Was Karen right? And if she's right about this, what else is she right about? I mean, Kyle said basically the same thing earlier today, about sabotaging myself and feeling like I didn't deserve happiness. And he was right- I pushed her away too many times and I lost her. 'I can't be with you until you are ready to be with me.'

But, maybe the loss is only temporary… 'There's still something holding you back. I hope you can figure it out.'

I sigh to myself, I hope so too. 'Come back to me when you're able to love me.' I think about that for a while.

Do I love her? I've spent so much time avoiding that question- trying not to admit the depth of what I feel. But forcing myself to face it now- I feel like I do. …I probably should have allowed myself to decide this sooner. I close my eyes and sigh.

'You can't love me until you love yourself.' Maybe she really meant that I can't accept hers until then? I still can't believe she feels the same way I do. How could she, knowing what she does about me? After all, I'm pretty sure this feeling is love- I mean, I trust her more than anyone I've ever known- except maybe Kyle, I enjoy spending time with her- even if we're just sitting together in silence. She's beautiful and kind and… and it's just this feeling I have when I'm near her or think about her. I've never felt anything like this before. It's joyfully manic and peaceful all at once, it's a powerful, consuming, radiating feeling in my chest- or it was- until 30 minutes ago when it was ripped out. Surely I wouldn't feel like this if it weren't love. I put my head in my hands. How do people survive this? Physical pain I'm good at dealing with- but this- this is totally different. I've avoided this feeling all my life.

But I don't have to feel like this- if I can just figure out what's wrong with me that I keep acting so stupid when it comes to her. I KNOW I want to be with her- and yet I keep saying and doing things to make her leave. After all, who would want to be with me?

I sit up. That is exactly what she's talking about- and I keep doing it- it's that kind of self-loathing that makes it impossible for me to give myself to her fully- to accept that she'd want all of me. What makes me do that? I search my brain, hoping a quick scan will produce the answer.

It doesn't. Of course it wouldn't be that easy. But I can't be with her until I figure it out. I sigh again. I wonder how long it will take. I put my head back in my hands. After a while, my thoughts become less distinct and eventually fade into the background.

As my mind clears, I feel the prickle of the edge of the bag in my hand. I sit back up and stare at it.

In order to like myself maybe I need to stop running from things when they get hard and make choices that I won't regret later- I have too many of those already.

Let's start with this. I take the bag to the bathroom. With a last look at it, I open the bag and dump its contents into the toilet. I throw the bag in the trash and bury it in paper towels. I wash my hands and leave, feeling lighter than I would have thought possible. Maybe my heart weighed more than I thought it did.

Derek sat me for a few days, as 'punishment' for my little stunt, but it turned out to be a good thing. It gave me time to be able to face Karen. My second performance after my 'time out' was Opening Night, and when Karen and I spontaneously hugged at the curtain call, it was only a little awkward.

Over the next weeks the accolades piled up. Everyone loves us. Things between Karen and I got easier- but there's always a twinge of regret whenever she walks away from me. I want to tell her that I'm ready. I want to take her in my arms and kiss away the pain of the last weeks- but I don't- because I'm not. I still have no idea what's wrong with me.

After the show tonight Derek and Scott asked the cast stay for an announcement. We gather in the green room and wait expectantly, wondering what this could be about.

Derek and Scott enter, giving away nothing. "People," Scott calls our attention, "We have some exciting news." Scott looks at Derek who gives him a nod and a smile. "We're going to BROADWAY!"

The room erupts as I look at Kyle, my eyes wide, "WHAT?!" my exclamation comes out in an explosion of breath. He's staring at me speechless, his eyes bugging out of his head. Behind him, I see Karen watching us.

She smiles and mouths, 'Congrats.' I look at her and nod my acceptance, smiling before whispering back a sincere, 'Thank you.' Our eyes hold, but the moment is soon interrupted by Kyle who seems to have recovered himself- sort of. He grabs me around the middle and begins jumping, laughing like a maniac. I laugh at his euphoria and give him a quick hug before we're pulled apart by the wave of celebration and congratulations around us.

Once the impromptu party begins to die down, Kyle and I find Derek and Scott.

"So, how did this happen? I thought everyone passed?" Kyle inquires.

"Well, they did- but Jerry Rand came tonight and loved it," Scott explains. "He wants to move it now- in time for awards season."

Kyle nods, hearing what's really being said. "He just wants a chance to beat "Bombshell"."

Derek tilts his head, agreeing. "That's likely a big part of it, yes. But the bottom line is we're going to Broadway." He pauses, and looks at me, "Get ready to go back to work boys, we're going to have to make some changes."

I keep my face neutral as Kyle asks, "Like what?"

"I don't know yet," he says blandly, "but there are always changes when a show moves. I just wanted you to understand that." He's still looking at me, watching my reaction carefully.

I shrug and look at Kyle, clapping my hand on his shoulder, "Let's do this." We grin at each other, still unable to believe this is happening.

Karen

I can hardly believe it. I just finished my first preview on an actual Broadway stage. I take my bow, Jimmy on one side and Ana on my other. He looks at me and grins like it's Christmas morning. I can't help but grin back. When the curtain closes, I turn away to give Ana a hug and notice she was watching me.

I pull back, "What? Is something wrong?"

She pauses a moment before speaking, looking over my shoulder. I glance behind me to see Jimmy turn to shake hands and hug the dancers. Her voice pulls me back, "What's going on with you two?" she asks curiously.

I look at her in surprise, "Nothing- I've told you everything." I glance at him, "He's been super focused on the show. I really haven't talked to him much." That goes double for thinking about him. I've done my best not to- it's easier that way. If I allow myself to, I go crazy wondering what he's thinking, if he's thinking and if we'll ever be together again. Luckily, we've been so busy with the move to Broadway, I haven't had much time to wallow. Or wonder if I did the right thing.

"That didn't look like nothing…" She trails off, a mixture of curiosity and concern in her voice. I roll my eyes.

"It was our first Broadway preview, we're just excited- that's all. And you should be too!" I take her hand and drag her offstage to change- we're celebrating tonight.

Jimmy

Since the announcement, I've barely had time to think about Karen. The weeks have flown by in a blur.

The first time I walked onstage in our new theater I was overwhelmed- sure that I was over my head. There is no way that many people want to see our little show. But as ticket pre-sale numbers came in, it turned out I was wrong. That many people DO want to see our show, and talk about our show- and interview me, Karen and Kyle. But despite all the excitement, a seed of worry lodged itself in the back of my head. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something seemed wrong.

It wasn't until I saw the bus ad on the way to the theater one morning that I realized what it was- my name is all over the city, and often accompanied by my picture. It's hard to be anonymous when your face is three feet high.

I barely had time to worry about that though, because a few shows into previews we realized something was off. Kyle and I worked late into the night for two days trying to fix the disconnect between the audience and the show.

When he came up with a solution it required more late nights to write it- but it's brilliant. If we get it right, it will blow people away. It should be in place for tomorrow's show.

But with a solution to that problem, my other comes back in force. We have a billboard in Times Square and my name is on it. There was a photo shoot last week and another article in The New York Times. We're doing TV appearances, promoting the show. How long is it until someone figures it out?

It's keeping me awake at night. I haven't slept much all week. Tonight, I try to distract myself from that problem by trying to figure out the one with Karen, but every time I try to picture Karen's face, another takes her place.

Exhausted, I begin to drift off. My mind continues to work, though fuzzily. I think about that girl. It's like she's blocking my ability to see Karen- or to think about our future. My eyes snap open and I sit up in bed. Could it be that simple?

And yet, not simple at all…

I lay back down but I'm suddenly not tired at all. Instead, my brain races through this new revelation as I stare at my ceiling wondering what it will all mean.

Karen

The social media overload that Jimmy and Kyle came up with is incredible. At the first cue tonight, the gasp from the audience nearly sucked the oxygen from the theater. I look at Jimmy as I come offstage. His cheeks dimple as he smiles, his eyes following the projections.

I stop and watch with him as the words scroll around the theater.

My dresser is waving frantically at me to get me ready for the next scene. I turn and walk away, but squeeze his arm as I do. "I'm proud of you."

I look back to see him watching me, his eyes thoughtful.

I'll be traveling this weekend- family and what not, so I don't know when I'll get to finish/post the next chapter, but I'll get it to you as soon as I can.

So, what do you think? Please review.