Entry 37

Morndas, 6th of Frostfall

By the Twin Moons! The Jarl refuses to go along with Khajiit's plan unless he is certain neither General Tullius or Ulfric Stormcloak will use this as an opportunity to attack. He still hasn't chosen a side in the war and both parties are eager to have him on their side. He asked this one to speak to the Greybeards about arranging a temporary peace treaty.

Khajiit has seen how deep the wounds of this war have gone. After all she has seen from the Thalmor and all that the Empire allows them to get away with, this one may be partial towards the Stormcloaks. She doubts any good can come from this, but she has since spoken to Arngier who—though reluctant to involve the Greybeards in such matters—asked this one to tell Tullius and Ulfric that the Greybeards wish to see them.

Gods, regardless of how bad things are between both parties, they simply cannot ignore the threat that Alduin poses! They have got to see sense, otherwise Khajiit may never be able to stop Alduin! No, she will find a way, regardless of the outcome. She has got to.

This means that she must go to Windhelm to speak to Ulfric. She will be stepping foot inside again for the first time in years. She may even have time to see her mother's grave. Perhaps this is a good thing, regardless of how heavy it makes this one's heart feel. She cannot lose Vilkas. Even if her mother would have disapproved, even if this one is ashamed to be disappointing her, she has to find a way to let it go. She has to remember the good life her mother led even if it ended in tragedy. She needs to stop blaming herself and live outside of her mother's shadow.

This doesn't mean this one is letting you go, Mother, but she can't carry your hatred anymore. She just can't!

This one has arrived in Windhelm. It is just as cold and depressing as she remembered. The moment she walked in, she overheard two Nords bullying a Dunmer, accusing her of being an Imperial spy. "Take your bigotry somewhere else before I hurt you." Inigo growled.
"And what are cats doing in this city? Your kind isn't welcome here!"
Inigo uttered a snarl and the Nord took off, his friend hurrying after him.

The Dunmer asked if this one hated the dark elves, but this one doesn't. They enslaved Khajiit many years ago, but this one was not one of the enslaved, nor was her mother or father. Her grandparents were, but what is the point in carrying their anger around? This one hopes to have that kind of attitude once she finds her mother's grave.

She thought she saw a graveyard on her way to the market place. After she has visited Ulfric, she will pay a visit to the grave. The dunmer woman told this one that the dark elves in this city live in a slum crudely called the Gray Quarter. Sad. This one wandered around the market for a time. The people of Windhelm are hard-working and have faced many a cold, hard winter. While browsing an armor stand, a woman, her eyes red from crying, accidentally bumped into this one. She quickly excused herself and began crying. Her husband swept over and pardoned her. They were in mourning; their daughter had been taken from them recently. Her husband, Torbjorn Shatter-Shield, wished to find an amulet of Arkay to comfort his wife. This one offered to find it for them and plans to when she has the time.

The Altmer working the armor stand caught this one's eyes. It struck this one as odd that the Nords would even allow an Altmer to work and live in this city after what their kind did during the Great War. Any other city would not be so odd, but in Windhelm, home of the Stormcloak rebellion dead-set on stamping out Thalmor, this seemed strange. She got by with hard work and gradually earned their trust. She insinuated that perhaps the dark elves choose to live there as they are too proud and naive as she said to get by with hard work. Maybe there is some truth to that.

This one spoke to the blacksmith and his assistant who is full of admiration for Ulfric. Bought a few ingots from him. Many years ago, this one saw very little of the city. Mostly she was in that horrible man's house and when she was out, she was mostly at the wood chopping block. Khajiit had imagined it as this cold and horrible place full of angry, hateful people. It is cold and a little depressing, but it is not horrible. A few of the Nords are quite mistrustful of outsiders, but this one has not been given any remarks. A few stares, maybe, but none have bothered her.

She doubts the Nords here have ever seen two fully armored Khajiit, one with a great battle axe slung over her shoulder. So many of us sneak around and very few are allowed in cities due to the skooma so many of us take, so most run off to bandit camps or trade caravans. Yet even for being the only Khajiit in this city, she has been treated surprisingly well. Vilkas thinks that this one's presence commands respect, that she does not look like that should be given a hard time. It is likely that Dragonborn rumors have spread here as well, perhaps this one is known here, too.

Inigo's first time here wasn't so pleasant. He tells this one he stumbled into town, bloodied, dirty and in need of a warm bed, and was denied.
"It may have been because I am Khajiit, but maybe it was all the blood. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but the people here are ugly-minded and bitter. Perhaps it is the lovely weather. It warms the soul." Inigo said as we sat in the inn, Candlehearth Hall. Who would deny Inigo anything? He is not like the Khajiit stereotypes so many see when they look upon our kind...Regardless of the weather and the inhospitable Nords, this inn is warm and cozy, and Khajiit did not know such places existed in his city. The house she and her mother stayed in was drafty, messy and had a foul smell to it. This Inn smells like bread and meat and mead.

While we sat, Inigo told us of how he met Mr. Dragonfly. He was offered lodgings by some Nords whose mother turned humans into bugs and ate them; Inigo was turned into a bug and nearly eaten and escaped by playing dead, advice courtesy of a certain dragonfly in the jar next to him!
"It is all true! Do not laugh, my friends!" Inigo snapped but we could not help ourselves.
It was unbelievable, but at the same time, it is exactly the sort of mishap our blue friend would get himself into.
It is a relief to have new memories. The old will never fade of course, but now she has something decent to counteract them with.
After a good drink, this one will go to Ulfric and to the graveyard before she leaves Windhelm.

The Jarl of Windhelm; this one pictured him as a brute after hearing all the rumors about what he did to the High King. In truth, he is charismatic and well-spoken. Khajiit overheard him and his second in command talking about Whiterun and worrying about the Jarl's allegiance as he hasn't taken a side. It sounds like they may be bringing the fight there soon. Khajiit hopes it isn't so. Ulfric is passionate; when he spoke of why he was fighting to his second in command, the bitter frustration and anger seeped into his voice.

It truly does sound like all he wishes is to create a future for Skyrim where its people can rule themselves. Khajiit has seen what the Thalmor do firsthand; capturing Nords, torturing them simply for living their lives. What Empire allows such a thing? A crooked one. Yet are his politics the right ones? The Empire may be all keeping the Dominion out of Skyrim. But at what price? The Thalmor are already here and hurting people and telling them what Gods they can and can't worship and killing them for it. They have no love for humans or Khajiit; it isn't right.

However, this one recalls upon reading the dossier on Ulfric that the Thalmor view Ulfric and his rebellion as an asset. Ugh. Can nothing be simple? But isn't he only an asset as long as he isn't winning?

Khajiit may yet speak to Ulfric Stormcloak about fighting in his army. Something has to be done and Ulfric sounds like he knows exactly what it is and plans to do it well. Khajiit wishes to speak to him more once she has time.

After we met with Ulfric, this one found the cemetery.
Vilkas said, "I'll wait over here. Your mother probably wouldn't want to speak with me. Go on." This one wanted him close. She took his hand and led him forward and beckoned for Inigo to join us.

Her mother was buried towards the back of the cemetery in a lonely corner. A pile of snow had nearly submerged the grave and this one took time to shovel it off. Vilkas stopped walking a few feet back from her grave and this one let him keep his distance. She knelt before her mother's grave. This one is surprised she got a grave inside the city considering how hostile the Nords were to the Khajiit caravan that brought her to the gates. It was a tiny grave, much less fancy than the others but it was well tended. No flowers lay at the foot of the grave so this one pulled a few nightshades from her pocket and laid it on the ground. She felt so badly for not visiting sooner. Her mother deserved a well-kept resting place.

"It is good to see you again, Mother. This one is sorry she took so long to visit. She thinks of you every day and hopes she has made you proud…" Standing before her grave, this one longed to say more but no words would come though she'd been planning this since early this morning. She was missing something important. She grabbed Vilkas's hand and led him over to the grave. Beside him, she announced,

"Mother, this is the man that your daughter has chosen to stand beside her until her time comes to join you. He is great and honorable and he has saved this one's life time after time. She asks now for your acceptance, mother, and if the wounds in your past are simply too great, then this one understands. But she cannot continue to live in the shadow of your hate, mother. This one is sorry.. This one thanks you for the life you gave to this one; even if she may have done things you disapproved of, she also became the leader of the Companions, the first one is years! She is also the Dragonborn and is on a path that she hopes brings great honor to you. That is all she ever wanted to do."

"Aye and a great Harbinger she is." Vilkas said and he knelt down and bowed his head.
"And the best friend one could hope for with the biggest, warmest heart of anyone I've known." Inigo said, bowing before the grave.

"It is not my place to say this," Vilkas said, a tender smile on his face, "but as a man who loves your daughter and is proud of her; thank you for your sacrifice. She is honorable, aye, more than anyone else I know and I have been surrounded by honorable men and women since I was a pup. Because of you I have the honor of standing beside her, protecting her and loving her. I promise to keep her safe until we part ways and she goes to meet you, and I promise to treat her well. Thank you for letting me meet your daughter, mother."

This one hadn't wanted to cry before but she did now. She kept herself together until we left the city and then, once we were on the road, she put her face in Frost's mane and wept. But she wasn't crying from sorrow. Vilkas and Inigo let her be and we stopped in Dawnstar and Inigo bought her two drinks. Gods, she needed them. Khajiit was no longer crying but she couldn't say much. She didn't know whether to smile or not. Even though she would never know her mother's response to all we'd said, it felt like the weight of grief was falling off her shoulders.

"Does it matter that you'll never know?" Vilkas asked when Khajiit confided in him.
"No, not really. It is true; no matter her choices in love, this one's mother would be so proud of her accomplishments, she just knows it."
His hand held hers tightly. "I don't know very many who would revisit grief such as yours and come out with a smile like that, J'Hirra." The pride in his voice touched this one's heart and made her purr. Not often does she purr, except maybe when we lie together under his bear skin blankets.

Maybe she is wrong. Maybe her mother has truly come to hate her, but maybe not.. This one will never know and it doesn't matter. It is a hard thing to admit but she knows it is the truth. All that matters now is what happens next; with Alduin, with the war, with this one and Vilkas. She should have known from the beginning but she knows it now.

She will always love you, mother.

No matter what, never, never doubt that.

She will keep making you proud, that is a promise.