Chapter 32

Suffocation.

Little by little, the days were starting to grow brighter. I could stand to be in the same room as Edward for longer than a few minutes, my human blood diet had ceased, and I had been able to venture out of the house into civilization. There were a few occasions when I was even able to converse with the locals without having to hold my breath.

"You're doing wonderful, love," Edward whispered after I had asked a passerby for directions to the main road. I felt his arm tighten around my waist, and I fought the urge to shirk his affection. "Would you like to stay a little longer, or are you ready to head home?"

I was thoughtful for a few moments before answering, "I think I saw a bookstore around the corner."

"All right," Edward answered with a broad smile, and we crossed the street.

It wasn't that I was exactly enjoying myself—surrounded by delicious smelling humans was very stressful on my control, especially on such a hot day—but I wanted to keep as much distance as possible between the mansion and myself. Despite Edward and I getting a bit better, there was still a shadow that darkened my life—one that I had not anticipated.

In the past month, Emily's longing for Jacob, her deceased soul mate, had increased and caused her to beg for him almost every day, and it didn't end there. Whenever Edward or I told her he wasn't coming back, she would grip our faces tightly, unleashing her gift against us. Because of her remarkable ability, I had been given a front row seat to her grief and loneliness. After enduring only a few seconds of this, I had fallen apart.

The weight of what I had done had finally hit me, and I found my irritation and rage had converted to remorse and pain. Even now, as Edward and I navigated through the streets, despite the slight smile on my face, a painful wound was pulsating in my chest. Regardless of the knowledge that Jacob had tried to kill Emily, I mourned him.

"Bella?" I didn't realize Edward was speaking until he tugged lightly on my hand, causing me to turn in his direction. His brow indented slightly, concerned. "Is everything all right? You've been somewhat pensive for a while now."

"Yeah," I sighed and took a deep breath in an attempt to clear my head. "I was just thinking about…stuff."

"Anything in particular?" His raised eyebrows told me that I had piqued his curiosity.

I exhaled heavily and debated internally with myself about whether I should tell Edward what was on my mind. Whenever we discussed Jacob and Emily, it always ended with Edward being hurled through a wall. While that would have been fine at the house, we were in public and had to watch what we did and said. So, with a heavy heart, I looked at Edward and shook my head.

We spent an additional two hours in town before my thirst became a problem. I was very relieved when Edward suggested we hunt the moment we arrived at the mansion. In fact, as soon as we pulled up into the grassy path, I wasted no time in throwing the car door open and dashing into the woods. A few minutes later, I had drained three deer and was relaxing in the branches of a willow tree when Edward found me.

"Feel better?" He looked up at me with an amused expression, and I couldn't help but shrug. "Come on, love—Emmett and Rose need their alone time."

I nodded, understanding that Rosalie and Emmett had been watching Emily all day, and trailed behind Edward as he led me back to the main house. Once there, I found that Emmett was the only one in the house; Rose had vacated moments before we arrived. After exchanging a few pleasantries, my large brother-in-law headed back to his own dwelling.

Emily was on the floor, a pile of drawings spread around her, and she smiled up at us when we approached her. I was astounded and slightly disturbed at how fast she was growing. In the eight weeks that we'd been here, she had grown to look less like a toddler and more like a small child. Part of me was fearful that she might continue to grow, without stopping, and be dead in a few years, but Edward dismissed my worries. Apparently, he had been measuring her, tracking her growth spurts, and had found they were slowing down.

As I continued to marvel at my daughter's hybrid quirks, she turned her inquisitive eyes in my direction. Before I could stop her, she gripped my ankle tenaciously. Immediately, my head began to swim with bright colors and noises. As the mental clutter dissipated, I was left with a clear image of Jacob, smiling and laughing at me. My silent heart crumbled as I basked in that warm, gentle smile—the one I'd always gotten from him before he became a pack member.

My enjoyment was short lived. Moments after Jake's smiling façade appeared, so did the overwhelming longing and loneliness. My eyes popped open—I hadn't even realized that I had closed them—and I noticed that Emily's face had morphed into sadness. A small tear ran down her cheek, and her eyes pleaded up at me.

"Please?" Her voice was small, meek. "Please, Mama."

I slowly began to tremble and found I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. Despite the intense urge to run away, I stayed with my daughter. "I'm sorry, honey—Jacob's not here."

"Please!" Her hand tightened on my skin, filling me with her emotions as well as her memories of my former best friend. "Jacob."

"No, Emily, he's not coming back," I insisted, the invasion of her ability starting to aggravate my newborn temper, and I closed my eyes in an attempt to center myself. However, as the images in my head quickened, almost becoming a blur, I snarled and moved backwards, leaving her crying in the middle of the floor. "Edward, make her stop!"

Emily sobbed and beat the floor with her little fists, something I had seen many times before. As Edward lifted her into his arms, he gave me a sorrowful look before disappearing upstairs.

Once they were gone, I picked up a table lamp and hurled it against the wall. I was here with Edward, trying to make it work, and the one factor that was disturbing the peace was the one aspect I had fought so hard for. Edward and I were starting to work through our issues, beginning to return to what we were, and it seemed like Emily was committed to ruining that.

I tried my hardest not to blame my daughter; this entire situation was my fault alone. I had reacted badly, wanting to kill Edward and Jacob, and had brought this on myself. I still couldn't believe that I had been able to achieve everything that I had set out to do. I was able to kill Jacob, able to overpower Edward, and had taken down the pack. Unfortunately, I had also ruined any chance I had of seeing my dad again.

As I thought about Charlie, I groaned and felt a pang of sadness in my heart. I'd gotten several voicemails from my father on my cell phone, but had been unable to answer them. Edward had spoken to him and informed him that I had caught a stomach virus from some bad pasta. However, that was about two weeks ago, and I knew my Dad could only be stalled for so long. I was pacing the length of the room, pondering everything that was going wrong, when Edward returned. Almost immediately, my temper ignited.

"Isn't this what she's supposed to be getting over?" He flinched as I screeched at him and he ducked when I hurled a book in his direction. "You told me this would pass, Edward!"

"Bella—"

"I can't deal with this!" Without waiting for Edward to answer, I left the living room and headed out the back door. The sun was starting to set, giving the forest an eerie glow, and the fireflies were beginning to come out. The sobbing coming from upstairs and Edward's pleading from around the corner were enough to drive me away from the house. I broke into a run right as my husband appeared, and I reached the forest before he had a chance to stop me.

The flip flops on my feet split in half as I ran through the woods, but I didn't stop. The feeling of the grass against my bare feet was extremely pleasing, and I felt myself smiling after awhile. This was what I enjoyed most about being a vampire: the wind in my hair and the feeling of the earth between my toes. As I slowed down, I took a deep breath and felt the storm inside me begin to dissipate.

As I stared up at the darkening sky, I allowed myself to stray from any thought. I simply lay on the ground, closed my eyes, and freed my mind of anything. Of course, it wasn't long before I started seeing the faces of those important to me. I began thinking about Charlie and Renee, as well as a few of my friends from school.

The last time I'd seen my mother was at the end of my wedding. As Edward and I drove off into the night, I had seen my mother, my father, and Phil all waving goodbye to me. After we had left for our honeymoon, Renee and Phil had stayed for a couple of days so she could help redecorate Edward's room. Apparently, she had driven Alice and Rosalie crazy. I frowned as I struggled to retrieve the early memories I had of my mother, when I was a child, but it was proving very difficult.

The sound of approaching footsteps broke through my musing, and I prepared myself for another verbal fight with Edward. We would normally fight after one of Emily's tantrums; I would try to leave, and he would insist that I stay longer. But it wasn't my husband that made an appearance; when the person came through the trees, I gasped when I saw it was Rosalie.

"Bella, what on earth are you doing?" She rested her hands firmly on her hips, glaring openly at me. "Can you not go twenty-four hours without a tantrum? I have better things to do than chase after a newborn, you know."

Growling ferociously, I moved toward her and had to fight against my desire to rip her arms off. Rosalie hadn't spoken to me since we arrived in upstate New York, which confused me to no end. Her sudden decision to speak enraged me for some reason, largely due to my confusion.

"It's good to know you haven't gone mute," I snapped at her, venom pooling in my mouth, and mimicked her posture by planting my fists on my own hips. "Nice to find out you actually can speak!"

"Bella—" Rosalie's voice softened immediately, but I cut her off before she could continue.

"This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make!" I hissed and moved away from her, gesturing wildly with my hands. "And have I gotten any support from you? No!"

"Any support?" It was Rose's turn to be furious. Her golden eyes blazed and her nostrils flared when I turned around to look at her. "What do you call everything that I've done? I followed you to Alaska, to La Push, and I even followed you here! If I'm not here supporting you, then please tell me what the hell I'm doing!"

I stalked away from her angry form and wrapped my arms around myself, knowing she was right. Even though I was surrounded by family, I felt strangely alone—trapped—here in New York. The isolation was suffocating me, choking me to death, but I didn't know how to rectify the situation. I had made a promise that I was going to put Emily first, and I planned to follow that to the end, but that didn't mean that it was a welcome concept.

Rosalie surprised me when she wrapped her arms around me and I didn't react irrationally, for once. Instead, I shifted and embraced my sister-in-law, allowing myself to sob into her shoulder. I found the change in my relationship with Rose strange, but not in an unwelcome manner. In the absence of Alice, someone who the entire family had turned to, Rose offered me peace of mind when I needed it most. How could I ever repay her?

"So, why did you run this time?" She stroked my hair and whispered softly into my ear. She wasn't demanding, simply curious.

"I was overwhelmed," I admitted without moving. "Mostly by Emily."

"What do you mean?" Rose pulled away, a confused expression on her face. She loved Emily very much—I didn't have to be Edward to know that—and anything that involved her concerned Rosalie.

"She's in love with Jacob," I grumbled and shook my head, feeling the guilt rise in my stomach like bile. "I keep telling her that he's not coming back, but she won't stop."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Rose looked at me like I was insane. "Are you sure you haven't been seeing those images on your own?"

"Why would I do that?" I was growing a little angry, not understanding why she would question me. "Why would I choose to remember Jacob?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to imply that you're lying, Bella," Rosalie assured me but cringed softly. "It's just…Emily's never done anything like that with me."

**V**

Emily and Rosalie were playing outside while Emmett watched from the porch. Every now and then, my massive brother-in-law would turn and glance up at me, a look of curiosity and sadness in his eyes. I felt horrible that I had opted for staying upstairs, but it was the only way to maintain my sanity.

Rose and Emmett had been staying with me for the past couple of days; Edward had to visit Carlisle and Esme for a reason he refused to share. To be honest, there was something off about the way he had bid me farewell and kissed me on the forehead, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Regardless, I knew something was going on and, once again, I was being left out of the loop.

Moving out of the bedroom, I headed to the library where the laptop Edward had procured for me was waiting. I had been using the online chat system to speak with the Denali sisters, and I found I was strangely anxious to get to them. However, when I opened the laptop, I realized that Edward had not logged out of his email. Right in front of me was a correspondence he had with Carlisle, and, against my better judgment, I began to read.

Carlisle,

Things with Bella seem to be progressing rather nicely, and although we still have moments of weakness, I foresee us rejoining you soon. Rosalie and Emmett still keep me at arm's length, which hurts me a great deal, but they have their reasons. In response to your inquiry, her father has been calling me a great deal as well. Bella has abstained from picking up the phone, but I know that she wants to. As much as I would love her to speak with Charlie, I think the time has come. Every time I attempt to discuss this with her, she flies into such a fury that I pull away. Do you think this is the best option, Carlisle? Let's not forget what happened last time…

I found it very irritating that Edward appeared to be making decisions for me again, and I planned to confront him when he returned from…wherever he had gone. Without bothering to read the remainder of the email, I opted to log on to my messenger system. I was anxious to have some form of contact with the outside world.

I beamed when I spied that Tanya was online, and I was about say hello when a chat box popped up.

TD1000: Where are you right now?

BC1987: Hello to you too. I'm at home.

TD1000: Where's Edward?

BC1987: Is something wrong, Tanya?

TD1000: Is he home with you?

BC1987: No. He's visiting Carlisle and Esme. Why? What's wrong?

TD1000: So, I take it you knew about it.

BC1987: Knew about what? What on earth are you talking about?

TD1000: You don't know…

TD1000: I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm emailing you something right now. Please read it.

(TD1000 has logged off)

"Well, that was short," I griped and pouted my bottom lip, not understanding what Tanya was talking about. Even though our quick chat was online, her apparent anxiety was disturbing me.

I was thinking about heading outside—to at least pretend to act like a real mother—but my curiosity got the best of me, and I found myself navigating to my email. Immediately, I noticed a message from Tanya at the top and promptly opened it. My "cousin" had attached a link, one that was very familiar—It led to the Forks High School class of 2006's page. Angela Weber and Eric Yorkie had started this page so everyone could post updates about events in their lives.

I smiled as I clicked on the image of our class, looking flawless in our golden graduation robes, and tried to remember the events of that day. Unfortunately, all I got were cloudy images that I wasn't even sure were real. However, as the main page opened up, I was met with a picture of me as a human, smiling, holding up my degree. Alice had taken that picture, despite my insisting that she put the camera away. I wondered why they would have a portrait of me on the main page, and, as I scrolled down the page, I realized what this was.

I began to shake as I read the fateful words below the image of me:

IN MEMORY OF ISABELLA MARIE SWAN-CULLEN 1987 – 2006