Chapter 34: Catherine

I like puzzles. But the one I've just resolved doesn't pleased me. It doesn't please me at all.

It all started with a message on Sara's phone, a really weird message. I thought it was a joke or a mistake, but when I spelt it out for her I understood that there was something wrong. Sara's look changed instantly. I know there's a lot about her I need to learn but, at that moment I felt the sting of betrayal. Then there was the weird phone call and it appeared that the person on the other hand was the author of the message. Imagine my surprise when the mysterious person was no one but my sister.

I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. Let me tell you about the rest of the story. My sister came up, so we talked about something, then I went in my room for less than a minute. When I came back my sister was holding Sara in a very intimate embrace. And there is what Nancy said. She said she missed 'this' – I don't know what is 'this', whether it's the proximity or the intimacy. And she confessed that she needed to see Sara, I don't know what is between those two but I don't like it. It pissed me off to say the least but the worst part was the way Sara reacts to that touch. Once again the thought that they were lovers crossed my mind.

I've had this thought ever since the first time I saw them sleeping together. Then I nearly choke with jealousy the day they had a food battle because they were acting like lovers and appearances made me think that they actually had sex together. I know that day Nancy told me they weren't lovers at that time but who knows what it meant?

Maybe she meant that they weren't lovers anymore, or that they weren't lovers yet. I don't know. But what I saw today make me think that they have been lovers at moment or another. I mean they have their codes, Sara was ready to let everything down to run to Nancy. Come on! You don't have to be a genius to notice that there's something between them.

I don't want to fight with Sara. So even if jealousy was burning me inside I held myself. But the fact is I'm hurt. I'm hurt and jealous. My heart is on the first line since I'm with Sara, it hasn't been on the first line since Eddie. I'm ready to fight and make sacrifices but I'd rather avoid the hurt.

I trust Sara , I know there's an explanation to all this but it tears me apart because seeing them together brought back all my insecurities to the surface. The difference between me and them. I'm old. I'm older, I have no problem with my age but I can't deny that the difference of age with Sara is disturbing me in so far as I wonder if I'm enough. I'm scared she'll leave me for a younger model. I'm unfortunately used to that.

Most of all I'm scared to death to love. It sounds stupid but it's true. Loving someone means you have to accept to be vulnerable. I've tried all my life not to be vulnerable. I love Sara deeply, but I'm really fragile and really careful with my heart and I need her to be next to me and assure me that everything is going to be fine.

Sara's next to me, she wants me to talk about all those things going on my head. She's holding my hand silently and looking at me with her beautiful eyes.

"I feel stupid." I say nervously.

"Don't." She holds my chin and gives me a butterfly kiss.

"You and Nancy aren't lovers right?" I ask her, holding my breath.

"No. My only lover is right in front of me."

"Have you ever been?" I dig the question a little more.

"No. We haven't."

"Did you wish you were lovers?" I don't know why I impose that to myself but I can't seem to be able to stop pushing.

"Once or twice I wish we were lovers, yes." She answers after a little thought.

I know she's only giving me honest answers. But this one just stabbed my heart. For once I wish she could lie to me. So Sara wanted my sister. What if Nancy was the one Sara really wanted? What if I was only a substitute?

"So I'm choice number two..."

"No you're not. The thought of me and Nancy being lovers was just an idea. It was a fleeting thought nothing more." She replies.

I try to process what she said but I'm confused.

"Cath it's been a little more than a year that I have feelings for you. Since I've understood that, there wasn't any choice for me it was you or no one. And I'm not saying this to make you feel better."

"I always thought you and Nancy were lovers." I say ignoring her response.

"We haven't been and we won't ever be."

"But you two are so close from each other."

"I know. I want you to know it too."

Then she starts to tell me about their relationship. She tells me how it all started and she tells me about their deal. She tells me everything I want to know with honesty. It doesn't keep the sting of hurt out of my heart though.

"Cath, I know there is something more bothering you. Talk to me please." She says softly.

"I'm wish I could be enough." I answer.

"You are much more than enough. Why are you saying this?"

"If I was enough you wouldn't have to turn to my sister to provide you affection."

"Cath no. First of all I didn't turn to her, she's the one that needed me today. Then you provide me everything I want."

"For how long?" I snap. She looks hurt and taken off guard. "How long would it take you to look for a younger model?" I know this is uncalled-for at least a part of me does. But the insecure one is overpowering me.

"Cath..."

"If you're not sure you want this we'd rather stop now. I'm old and there isn't so many things I can offer you and..."

"Cath stop!"

She kneels in front of me. I can feel tears falling silently on my cheeks and I can't resume myself to look at her.

"Cath look at me." I don't comply. She cups my face gently with her hands whipping the tears off my face. "Cath look at me please." She repeats.

This time I comply and I look straight into her eyes. Her look is intense, it lets no room for argument, or joke. She leans in and kisses me. It's a deep kiss that convey only one emotion. One pure emotion without any doubt: Love. It destroys all my doubts in an instant, I've never felt this before with a simple kiss. She pulls away.

"I want you to listen to me attentively." She starts. I look at her again still a little shaken by the kiss. "I'm in love with you. I love you. I'm not playing with you, you are the one I want, you give me everything I want and more, you satisfy me and now that I have you I don't plan on going anywhere or letting you go." She lets her words sink in "Plus, I don't know who's that old lady you keep on talking about because I don't see her..."

"Sara..." I can help but chuckle a little.

"Cath, you could be a hundred years old, it wouldn't change my feelings for you. I love you. Period."

"I love you too." I manage to say through my tears.

I hold her tightly and let all my doubts go away.

xxxxx

Sara is sleeping on my bed. She's lying on her stomach and she's naked, she has her head facing the window and the sunlight is playing with her skin . I just take this opportunity to admire her body. More precisely her back. I had noticed the scars before, but I've never mentioned it. I don't know why but I find her back fascinating. I let my fingertips tracing some of her scars delicately. Some are cigarette burns, some are stitches, some other are just fine pale lines.

"Souvenirs from my parents." Sara's voice startles me.

I stop the exploration of my fingertips and instantly I feel her body tense. I lay my fingertips back on her and start my gentle exploration again, a moment later she's relaxed again.

"As far as I remember there has always been blows. It was all about discipline. You break the rules you get punished. Pretty simple." She continues. Her head is still facing the windows so I don't see her face. Her voice is emotionless. "There were constant rules: what happen between those walls stays between those walls because it's family business; don't ever lack respect to those who have given you life; pretend not to be."

My fingertips are caressing her back steadily. I try my best to remember myself to breathe as I feel raging anger rising in me just thinking about those people who were supposed to be her parents, who were supposed to love and protect her.

"The blows hurt the first time when the flesh is tender or when it hasn't healed from the previous round. Sometimes he would be smart enough not to leave traces, he would use the oranges bag. But sometimes he would love to see his handiwork so he would use his belt or anything that was near his hands. She was more into slaps. But you get use to it, you have to. Pain doesn't really matter as long as you remember the basic lesson: crying only make it worse." She chuckles humorlessly.

"Blows only inflict temporary wounds. Words hurt, they burn your mind forever like hot iron. Nothing was ever good enough, never. 'You're weak'; 'You're stupid'; 'You're pathetic'; 'You're a mistake'; 'You're worthless'; 'You're a failure'; 'You're lazy'; 'You're disgusting'; 'You're ugly'; 'You're nothing' " She says with a detached tone as if it wasn't her who was speaking.

I feel powerless, and she's scaring me depreciating herself like that. I want to take all her scars away those I can see and those I don't. It tightens my heart just to know that she's in pain and I can't help her. I feel guilty for all my harsh words toward her because I know that they have hit close to home. But I want to reach her, to make her see that this isn't true, that she's wonderful.

" 'You're nothing' " She repeats. "I am nothing." She says softly. My heart breaks at that.

I want to scream so much I'm mad at her pretended parents, how could they do such a thing. How can you do such a thing to someone let alone your child. I want to bring my lover back to me, back to reality, back from those memories.

I start to kiss every scar, one after the other. "You're beautiful." A kiss. "You're smart." Another kiss. "You're brilliant." Another. I try to make all the pain go away with my kisses and my love for her.

"You're generous" A kiss. "You're kind." Another. "You're sweet." Another kiss. "You're attentive." Another. "You're gorgeous." Another. "You're meaningful." Another "You're fun." Another kiss. "You're precious."

My kisses are mingling with the taste of her skin and my tears. I continue my journey over her back with my words and my kisses. I feel her shaking, so I turn her over to touch her face. I see her eyes there's no tears in them but the look she's wearing just breaks my heart, there's so much pain in them.

"You're everything to me, you're the one I love." I kiss her. "You're the one I love" I repeat after pulling back.

I hold her tightly and then I make love to her tenderly and passionately. I want her to understand what she means to me.

xxxxx

"You're staring at me." Sara says though her back is facing me.

"Yes I am." I state the obvious. Somehow I feel like she doesn't like it. "Does it bother you?"

"Let's just say I don't like feeling observed."

Don't ask me why but I feel that there's more in her answer than what she's actually saying. I don't push the matter though. The other day she opened herself to me and I know that it was hard for her to do such a thing, I'm honored she had enough trust in me to confide me those little details. So I'm patient, I'm sure she will tell me her reasons when she'll feel ready.

I've been thinking lately and even if it's only been a month and a half since we're lovers, I want her to be with me all the time. I want to be able to see her when I get home. I want to wait for her to come home and have a little time with her even if it's just to sleep in her arms. I don't want to always plan to have time together I want it to be easy and natural. I want to spend all my time with her and learn everything about her. You get the picture.

"What are you thinking about?" She is standing behind me with her arms around my waist.

"I was thinking about talking to Lindsey."

"Something important?" She smirks "Forget it, I'm being nosy." She berates herself.

"It's ok." I chuckle and kiss her cheek. "So tell me, when is your next day off?"

"I believe it's Friday" She answers pensively. "You want to go out? We could do something with Lindsey, it's been a while since we have been out together."

"Actually it's only been four days but I like the idea." I tease her.

"Alright that's settled then." She kisses me and then let her hold go. "I have to go, I want to change myself before going to work."

See? That's what I mean when I say that I want her to be with me all the time. What a waste when she has to leave me two hours before going to work just because she needs to change herself – since all her spare clothes are on the laundry. I've made up my mind, I'm going to change that.

xxxxx

Today is my day off. I get to spend the whole day with Lindsey. I have to say that when I think about what happened, her runaway I mean, even if I don't want to get through this again, it has been salutary. I don't say it's been easy, but since Lindsey has been back home we have built up again our relationship. We have taken baby steps but the result is there. We're close, we communicate with each other, we don't fight often, and we spend more time together. I have to say that Sara has played a part too. She has provided stability to Lindsey, and even if my daughter is at the age where you think that the whole world is against you, she has always someone next to her to help her to sort things out.

I'm happy because my relationship with Sara is just a new side of my family life. Sara and I have time together when work allows us to, mostly when Lindsey is at school. But with Sara everything is simple. I don't have to choose between her and my daughter. Sara always includes Lindsey when we go out, she understands when I need to be with my daughter, and she always cares about Lindsey's opinion. She provides balance in my duet with my daughter. She provides unity in my family.

Lindsey and I have decided to have a nap together before going out to the mall and having an ice cream. She tells me about her day at school. And she tells me about the boy she fancies – I inwardly pray for her to be single for another couple of years or two for I'm not ready for her to have a boyfriend yet. But we're having a good time.

"What is it like to be in love?" She asks me suddenly.

"Wow... I'm not sure I have the answer to that one."

"But you're in love with Sara, right? So tell me how does it feel like."

"It's... confusing I guess." I tell her honestly.

She frowns trying to make sense of my words. "How?"

"Well you feel invincible and weak, you want to laugh and cry, you feel scared but happy, and small and titanic all at the same time."

"Wow, you're right that's confusing." She giggles.

"You know I never thanked you for accepting my relationship with Sara. I'm glad to have such an understanding and great daughter." I say caressing her hair.

"Well, I like Sara, and she makes you happy, but mostly she doesn't take you away from me."

"Still thank you." I kiss her brow.

"No problem."

"Honey I have to ask you something." I start and wait for her to nod before I continue. "Would you be ok if I ask Sara to move in with us?"

"No" She answers in a second with a serious face and I'm taken aback by her answer. Then she bursts into laughter and I swat her on her shoulder for teasing me. "I'm just kidding mom, of course I'm ok, besides she already lives here most of the time." She answers me with a 'duh' tone.

"I meant officially."

"Like I said, she already lives here so her own set of keys would be helpful."

"Are you sure?" I ask her again. I don't want her to feel like she had to say yes.

"Yes mom." She says exasperatedly. "Does this mean I have to wear a cow bell?"

"What? Why?" I don't follow her train of thoughts rights now.

"You know, that way you two would hear me coming while you're too engross in kissing each other and playing at 'who's going to put her tongue the further in the other's throat?' " She says giggling. Please tell me she just didn't say that!

I admit Sara and I got lost in our heavy making out session sometime and we end up getting caught yet again. But I don't need a reminder!

"Oh!... You brat!" I say tickling her.

"Maybe but you love me!"

She's right I love her.

xxxxx

Friday comes and I'm a little nervous. Sara takes Lindsey and I out to a movie then we have dinner and then we drop Lindsey at one of her friend's house for the week end. Then we go home.

"I've got something for you." I say nervously.

"Really?" I just nod to answer.

"I want you to close your eyes first."

"Cath?"

"Just do it, please." I say watching her comply. "No peeking ok?" I wave my hand in front of her face to make sure she doesn't see anything.

I go to my room and come back with a package. Sara is sitting on the kitchen so I lay my burden on the table.

"Alright, you can open your eyes now." I say with excitement.

Sara's eyes go round as dinner plates when she sees the wrapped package in front of her. She looks at me with surprise . She opens her mouth to say something but nothing comes out so she shuts it up. Then she stands and gives me kiss.

"Thanks." She whispers.

"You don't even know what it is yet." I say logically.

"Still, I'm touched."

"Open it." I say with a nervous smile.

She unwraps the package and stays still when she discovers what's in it.

"Wow... That's a... rather beautiful... drawer." She says sarcastically yet amused.

"It's for your stuff. There's something inside." I tell her quickly.

She takes the velvet little box inside the drawer and looks at it intently. I think I'm going to have a heart attack if she doesn't open it soon. She, at last, decides to open it. As soon as she sees the content I start to think that maybe this was a bad idea.

"Something's telling me these aren't the keys of a new car." She jokes.

"You're right. They're the keys of the house." I take deep breath. "Would you accept to move in with me?" I ask without breathing.

Sara looks at me suddenly, her smile falters instantly. She starts to mimic the fish out of water. Then she reverts her eyes to the velvet box and stares at it.

Two words: Bad idea. No wait make that three: Very bad idea.

So far I've decided not to put them through to much stress or bad things, you know, I've decided to play nice... for now... anyway. I'd like to apologise because I won't update before a little while, I'm leaving for new year's eve ;). Once again thanks for the reviews, you rock!!

Thanks for reading ;)

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