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CHAPTER 35

"Neither have they hearts to stay, nor wit enough to run away."

Samuel Butler

CATHERINE POV

Claire is gorgeous.

Not that I would expect otherwise. I mean, Sara herself is drop dead stunning, so of course her ex would be beautiful.

Auburn hair, tall, slender, young. Well, probably a few years older than Sara, but in comparison to me, that makes her young.

Stop it, Catherine, I chastise myself. Don't go down that destructive road.

"What are you doing here?"

Sara's tight words cut off my thoughts, sending me back to the tense scene before me.

"I…" Claire's eyes move between Sara and me. "I wanted to talk to you."

"You had months," Sara states coldly. "Not to mention my phone number."

There's a silence that follows.

A cold, tense silence that makes me feel more than on edge.

"Please?"

Claire's whispered plea cuts through the evening.

Pushing her hands deep into her jeans pockets, Sara narrows her eyes.

"Fine," she shrugs. "Say what you came to say."

Again, Claire's eyes move towards me.

"In private, Sara?"

"No," Sara immediately counters. "Catherine can hear whatever it is you came to say."

Claire's eyes move between us, torn between arguing and giving in.

"You know what, Sara," I cut in. "Why don't I head inside and start the coffee. I'll meet you inside whenever you guys are done."

Sara looks over at me, studying my expression.

I don't know what she sees – and I wonder if she can see through my façade to the nervousness that's under it. The fear of what Claire came here to say to the woman I've fallen so deeply for.

"Okay," Sara whispers out, letting me know she read through to my genuine desire to not hear Claire's words.

Silently, I send Claire one last look before squeezing Sara's shoulder in support and heading inside.

"You okay?"

Sara sends me another smile, her hand continuing to run its way through my hair. My head resting on her chest, she holds me close.

"Yeah," she offers, just like she did the first time I asked her.

She's been quiet since she came back inside, enjoying a cup of coffee with me before we laid together on the couch.

I've been respectful of her conversation with Claire, but the whole situation has me edgy.

Feeling Sara's fingers moving gently through my hair, I try to let the soothing actions relax me.

"She wanted to say she was sorry," Sara quietly says, finally providing me with the answers I've been nervous but anxious to hear. "And…" Sara hesitates, swallowing tightly. "And she wanted a second chance."

My heart hammers in my chest, thoughts moving through me at lightning speed.

Of course, this is what I had suspected Claire came here for. But, hearing it said aloud, said by Sara's own voice, it's terrifying.

"I told her no, Catherine," Sara offers, likely picking up on my emotions. "Of course I told her no."

"Why?"

My question surprises Sara and me both.

I should just take her answer and go with it, of this I'm certain.

But, part of me knows this particular topic needs to be fully explored if we're ever going to move beyond it. Burying it isn't going to solve it.

"Why?" Sara questions, looking down at me. "What do you mean, why?"

I stay silent.

"I said no because I'm with someone who I happen to be head over heels for," Sara tells me, shaking her head. "Because I'm happy."

"Are you?"

Sara narrows her eyes. "She left me, Catherine. When things got hard, she bailed. I don't need to waste my time with people like that."

"You didn't answer my question."

Sara's expression darkens.

"Are you seriously asking me if I'm happy with you?"

"Yes."

"Catherine, if you have to ask me that, I think we've got bigger problems than Claire Burton."

Sara's answered my question, yes, but she's answered by not answering. Just like when I…

"Cath," she questions. "Where is all of this coming from?"

Turning slightly, I take her free hand tightly in mine, holding it close.

"I love you, Sara."

Her expression is pensive, confused.

Sighing, I straighten up, fixing my hair and my clothes.

"I love you, Sara," I repeat. "But I'm concerned because, not once, have you ever told me the same."

Sitting upright, Sara pulls herself up tensely.

"Catherine…"

"I'm not asking you to say it," I tell her. "Clearly you've decided not to for whatever reasons. But…" I take a deep breath. "I would wager my CSI career on the fact that you loved Claire. And, on the fact that you told Claire you loved her."

Sara's eyes search mine, looking for understanding of what I'm doing.

"Cath…" she shakes her head, trying to focus her thoughts. "Yes, I loved her," she confesses. "Very much. But, time passed, things changed, she left."

"That's my point," I say. "She left the relationship, not you."

"I left it the day she walked out," Sara counters. "I decided again today that it was, and always will be, over."

"Do you still love her?"

The question hangs between us, the silence deafening.

"Sara," I breathe out. "I'm not trying to hurt you, sweetheart, but I think you need to figure things out with Claire before we continue whatever this is between us."

Sara's eyes narrow.

"Whatever this is between us?" she questions tightly. "I thought we both knew damn well what 'this' is between us."

She takes a slight step away from me.

"Silly me," she says. "I thought 'this' was a relationship. One that we both cared very much about. One that we wouldn't find so easy to just…" she shakes her head, "walk away from."

"I'm not walking away," I counter.

"Yeah?" Sara laughs darkly. "Because that's what it looks like from here."

"Sara, you need to figure things out with Claire. Find your closure with her." I move towards her front door. "You and I will never be able to move forward until you do."

Opening the door, I step out into the night.

What the hell did I do?

What the HELL did I do?

Pacing back and forth in a panic, I run my hands through my wild hair.

Sara's ex comes back into town, and I all but push the brunette back to her?! Idiot!

"You okay?" Nick asks me, eyes hesitant.

I'm sure I look like a crazy person right now.

"Sure."

"Uh huh…" he mutters, clearly not believing me. Eyes wide, he keeps his distance. "Is that why you're at work on your day off? And, might I add, not spending it with a certain brunette we both know."

"I don't want to talk about it..." I groan. "All I know is that I screwed up, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell is the matter with me."

"Could take a while…"

Smacking him, I can't help but smile at his boyish grin.

"God, Nicky," I breathe out, "why is love so complicated?"

He shrugs. "Because we make it that way."

Getting back to work, I keep hearing his words ringing through my head.

Because we make it that way.

Heading out towards my car at the end of an unproductive attempt at overtime, I breathe out an exhausted sigh.

Placing the key in the door, I nearly have a stroke when I notice the woman getting out of the car beside mine.

"Claire," I manage to get out, heart hammering. "I didn't see you."

She nods, "I know, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"You waiting for Sara?" I question. "She's not due in for another couple hours."

"No," she shakes her head, hands fiddling with her keys. "You, actually."

I raise a brow.

"Look, Catherine," she says hesitantly. "I'm not oblivious. I know what I saw yesterday – between you and Sara."

"Yeah?"

"I want you to know that if you two are together like I think you are, if she's moved on, then you have nothing to worry about from me."

She breathes out. "I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving her."

Eyes moving up to mine, I see the regret, the deep sorrow in her gaze.

"But, it's not fair of me to come back after all this time and expect her to forgive me. Especially…"

She sends me a soft smile.

"Especially if she's found happiness with someone else."

Damn it.

I want to hate Claire, I really do. It would make this all so much easier. But, if anything, she's just as kind and selfless as I imagined a person that would catch Sara's attention to be.

"Why aren't you talking about this with Sara?"

"She won't answer my calls. She's not at home."

Claire takes in a deep breath.

"I'm worried about her," she confesses. "But she clearly already has someone in her life to worry about her."

I smile slightly, "I think Sara, walking definition of stubborn stoicism, can use more than one person worrying about her sometimes."

Claire nods, offering me a soft smile.

We go silent, but this time it's more reflective than tense.

"Why'd you leave?"

Claire breathes in, steadying herself.

"I couldn't handle seeing her…like that," her eyes move to mine, her gaze sorrowful. "I wasn't strong enough to see the woman that I loved suffering like she was."

"And now?"

"And now I know that the pain of being without her far surpasses the pain of anything else." She takes a breath. "Sara's always been by my side through my darkest hours. She deserved the same from me."

She shakes her head.

"But, it's not that I feel I need to be here," she tells me. "Sara's the strongest person I know, and she can handle herself. But, I've finally realized, no matter how dark things get or what Sara says, that I want to be here. I want to be here for her." Claire swallows. "I love her, and I miss her."

Closing my eyes, I try to let the emotions I'm feeling wash over me. But, instead, they rip through me, getting caught somewhere in the tangles of my heart.

"Sara's going to have to figure out what she wants," I tell Claire, forcing my eyes back open. "It's her decision."

Claire nods, auburn hair catching in the sunlight.

"I respect that," she says. "And, whatever she chooses, I will respect that as well."

Claire lets out one final breath, moving back towards her car.

"I just want her to be happy, Catherine."

Sending me a final, small wave, she gets into her car.

"Me too," I whisper into the air around me, watching her car pull away. "Me too."

AN: Thanks for reading.