Ithilien, January of 1439

Merry looked around him with curious eyes as he and Pippin rode up the street which lead to the castile stables of Ithilien. Pippin appeared to be uninterested in the sight and didn't seem the least bit curious anymore as to whether or not Merry could remember what he saw. But Merry stared at the sight with wide eyes and thought to himself that this must be one of the most beautiful places in the world. Even in January Ithilien was lovely.

"It's gorgeous" he said out loud.

"Yes" Pippin agreed. "It's even better later in the year. If you can choose any place on earth to spend the month of May in, let it be Ithilien."

Merry nodded and smiled to himself. He paid no heed to the crowds that had come out of their homes to watch him and Pippin ride down the street. He could hear the people gasp and whisper amongst themselves but he chose not to care. He knew that Ithilien was the place whence he had left all those years ago and that nobody here had ever expected to see him again. He was used to that reaction by now.

"How far until we reach the castile?" he asked Pippin.

"Just up that road" Pippin said with a nod in the right direction. "We will leave our animals with the stable hand and then I'll take you to the throne room. Lord Faramir will be waiting. Perhaps your Lady Éowyn as well."

"No doubt she will" Merry said and looked down on his hands.

"You're not planning on… speaking with her today are you?" Pippin asked. "Because you won't get a moment alone with her on your first night. Too many ceremonies here and there plus there's supper."

"No, I… I'm in no rush."

"This won't be easy but you knew that already" Pippin said. "Don't turn back now that you're here, follow through. Either that or never mention it again. Actually I would prefer the latter."

Merry opened his mouth to give a sassy reply but thought the better of it. The truth was that part of him wanted to turn back and never mention anything about it again. But he knew he had to see it through or he would never find the answers that he was looking for. No matter how difficult it might be he had to do this.

But when Éowyn came out to greet them and he had his arms around her in a hug he couldn't help but wonder what would happen now. She was his only real link to his past and he would be jeopardizing it all. He hadn't been quite sure until this moment whether or not he really did love her, but when he saw her he knew that his feelings were for real.

XX
XX

As it turned out Éowyn did not have the time for any friendly chat the first two days, there was a lot of activity going on at the castile and the Hobbits were left mainly to themselves. Pippin made a half-hearted attempt to be of some service but Faramir refused to let him do anything but settle in for the first few days. He would get his chance to serve, Faramir thought it better that he helped Merry get comfortable in the new settings.

For Pippin it was a very strange experience being back in Ithilien with Merry. He vividly remembered the last day they had spent together in this city, so long ago. Merry's loss of memory was all of a sudden a comforting thing, Pippin did not have to look at him and know that he remembered that day too. It was a day Pippin would not mind forgetting forever, even though he used the word forget with caution these days.

When Merry was not able to speak with Éowyn right away he found his courage weakening. He had quite a few opportunities during their first week in Ithilien to talk to her but he was never able to speak of anything but things she would expect from him. But he found that their usual conversations were not as fulfilling as they had been before, the knowledge of what he felt for her hung over him like a dark cloud and it was hard to be just her friend.

Pippin had gone back to regular service but he watched Merry from his corner and hoped his cousin would forget all about what he had come there to say. Merry was thankful that Pippin at least didn't say anything about it all, he knew what his cousin would have to say anyway and it was easier not to hear it.

Something else that troubled Merry was the gardens. It was almost as if he was afraid to go in there, something always held him back. He couldn't understand or explain why that was, it was just a feeling he had that the gardens were a bad place. He knew that if he said that to anyone they would think him crazy for sure, but he was beginning to run out of excuses for why he and Éowyn should take their walks some other place.

Éowyn was fully aware of his anxiety concerning the gardens but she was not entirely sure of why that was. She decided that Merry needed to face whatever garden demons he had and told him one day to go into the gardens and get a specific plant for the medics. Without knowing how to say no to such a request Merry wrapped his cape around him and ventured into the place he dreaded.

It was only January and the gardens were not as pretty as they had the capacity of being. Not that it would have mattered even if the flowers were in full bloom and there was life and colour all around him. Merry hurried through the gardens looking for the specific plant and didn't see much else than what he necessarily had to. He found the plant and put it in a bag, happy that he would be able to leave the gardens. It annoyed him to no end that he couldn't figure out why he was so anxious to be there and it made him dislike the gardens even more.

He looked around and wondered what would be the nearest way out of the gardens and back to the castile. He chose a path randomly and rubbed his arms to keep warm. It was a cold day and even his cape wasn't offering that much warmth.

His eyes fell on something in a glade and curiosity got the better of him. He stopped and walked into the glade, wondering what a marble cat was doing there. It seemed horribly out of place. No other marble figurines were around. It looked as if it had been misplaced by someone and he wondered if he should perhaps pick it up and bring it back to the castile. Then he thought the better of it; the cat looked heavy.

"Merry?"

Merry spun around and saw Pippin looking at him with questioning eyes. Merry offered him half a smile and nodded towards the cat.

"I was just in here to get some herbs" he said and held up the bag for Pippin to see. "I spotted this cat on my way back. It looked odd to me; I couldn't help but take a closer look. I'll be on my way now."

"Do you know where you are?" Pippin asked.

"I know I haven't been eager to go into the gardens" Merry said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "But Éowyn asked me and I couldn't think of a reason not to."

"No… Do you know where you are standing now, the exact spot?"

"No" Merry said, taking a good look around him.

"This is where we buried you" Pippin said and stepped into the glade.

"Buried me?"

Merry turned and looked at the cat again. He now saw that there was a small platter by the foot of it, and though he couldn't read what it said he knew anyway. His name, date of birth and when they had presumed him dead.

"We didn't have a body to bury of course" Pippin said. "Because we never found you. But we thought beyond all doubt that you were gone from us. All the things you had with you when you left that day, all things that were recovered at any rate, were placed in a casket together with some of your belongings which were kept here. I always thought that was the closest I would ever get to burying you. Not that it mattered to me whether your body was here or not, it's the tall folks who care about such trivial things." Pippin kneeled by the cat. "I stood here together with all your friends and those who had cared for you and I said goodbye. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. When I had left your casket they buried it here in the ground and placed the marble cat here to mark the spot. Another thing I found ridiculous but after all this is Strider's land and he hast he final say in things. And I must admit I've come to realise the point in such a ritual. To me, this has been where you are. For ten years I thought of you and whenever I pictured you dead this was where I saw you being. This spot was you. Turns out it is a silly ritual after all, and this is just another place like any other. Only it has some of your belongings buried beneath its soil."

"I think I'm going to be sick" Merry said.

Pippin turned his head and looked at him with slight surprise but Merry ignored him. The realisation of where he was standing made a chill run down his spine.

"I'm not dead but I have a burial spot" he said. "People buried me…"

A painful memory came over Pippin when he heard his cousin say that. Memories from the war, when he had found Merry staggering down the streets of Minas Tirith after the battle of the Pelennor Fields.

"Are you going to bury me?"

"No indeed!"

But Pippin had buried Merry. He rose to his feet and stepped away from the cat, feeling just as sick as Merry. Out of all the places in the world where the two of them could be standing together this had to be the queerest. He wanted to scream at Merry to leave, to not ruin this place where Pippin could still be with the Merry he had buried. The Merry he had for such a long time believed to be gone and who had been resting at this place. But it had all been a lie, just like everything else. In the corner of his eye he saw his cousin but he would not vanish if he turned to look at him. Not anymore. He was real, he was there, a physical being who could be touched and heard. Yet at this moment Pippin longed for the Merry who had vanished at the turn of a head, the one who could be exactly what Pippin wanted him to be for he lived mostly in Pippin's mind and memory. That Merry had been less lost to Pippin than this one was.

"This must be the worst place in the world to be" Pippin heard Merry say. "Standing at your own gravesite."

"Perhaps you should go" Pippin said. "It's not good for you to be here, and… and…"

He didn't have to finish his sentence. Merry turned and walked out of the glade, only happy to get to leave. He stopped once he was back out on the path he had walked on before and took a deep breath of air.

"Sometimes I wonder… where have I been? What have I seen? Who have I been? While you were burying me here, while people were mourning me here, all those years that everyone who cared about me believed this place to be all that was left of me… Where was I?"

"Those little hairy beings we encountered…" Pippin mumbled to himself.

"I wonder…" Merry said. "I wonder if I forgot about all of you even then." Then he sighed. "I am tired of wondering!"

"We all are" Pippin said in a low voice.

Merry shook his head as if to clear it from all bad thoughts. Then he followed the path back to the castile. Pippin was left alone with the marble cat. He cast a glance on it and thought of all it had represented to him. With an angry cry he walked over and pushed the cat over. It fell hard onto the frosty ground and the ear and part of the side broke and fell off. Pippin wished it had all broken. He never wanted to see that cat again.