I woke up the next morning and had a shower, deciding that today I would go see Paul. This was not going to be an easy conversation but I needed to know, had his mother loved his father? Was that why she kept taking him back? Because being apart was more painful than the bruises and broken bones?

I had my breakfast with Lore and as we cleaned up, I asked her about leaving.

"Teala, is it alright if I go see Paul today?"

"I am not your mother and you are a grown woman, where you choose to go you need only your own permission."

I blushed and nodded, "I just, well, I meant if there was anything you wanted us to do today, if you maybe needed me for something. Or if maybe it was a bad idea to see the pack with this whole Sam thing." I mumbled the last.

"Today is no more significant than yesterday. If it is your wish to see Paul then go to see him."

"What about Sam?"

"Paul is your brother, Sam would not stop him from seeing you."

"No only my uncle."

Lore sighed, "Emmett is a vampire Bella. It is not the same."

"So I should forget him?"

"Last night you said you did not need to see him. That all you needed was Sam. Today you return to the resentment that he is afraid for you."

I sighed knowing she was right, "Sam isn't here though is he? He isn't coming to take me home. He's given up. He just walked away from me." I bit back fresh tears.

"Go, see your brother Luna." She hugged me before pushing me to the door.

I wiped at the tears and drove to Paul's place. I sat in the truck staring at it a moment and saw Sam leave out the back door and disappear into the woods. I stared at the spot he had disappeared through until my door creaked open. I unclipped my seat belt and slid into Paul's arms.

He hugged me tightly to him for a moment and then began walking us to the house where Emily was standing on the porch watching us.

"Can we go to the cliffs Paul?"

He nodded and changed our direction. Neither of us speaking again until we were sat leaning against our log, looking out over the horizon.

I took a deep breath and finally asked the question I had come to, "Did she love him?" He turned to look at me confused, "Your mother, did she love your father?"

He frowned thinking and then shrugged, "Maybe. I suppose she did, she must have to keep letting him back. I think she needed him. That she was afraid to be without him, afraid of being alone. I don't know if she loved him or just didn't love herself or me enough."

I leaned into him, "I'm sorry Paul."

"Why do you ask?"

"Last night I asked Teala, Lore, why Sam didn't come to check on me, why he didn't feel the pull anymore. I feel it all the time, the tightness in my chest, the ache in my heart." I felt a few tears fall but ignored them, "My soul hurts."

"I know. I can feel how sad you are but Bell he does check on you, so do I. He feels it, he fights it but it hurts him more than you can know."

I nodded, "Lore told me he comes in the night and some mornings while I work in the garden. Its not enough, it still hurts. All the time it hurts."

"I'm sorry little sister." He hugged me into his side; "I wish I could make it better. We all do. He's ordered the pack to leave you alone. You can come to us but we can't go to you. Leah, Jared, Jake, they are all pissed. They worry about you."

"He ordered you to stay away from me?"

"He ordered us to leave you alone, said if you wanted us you could come to us but we were not to pressure you. I go with him some nights, to ease the strange imprint we have, it doesn't help much, I can feel your sadness."

"I'm sorry Paul."

"What does it have to do with my mother?"

"I asked Lore why if he loves me he stays away. She asked me to tell her. I told her what it felt like." I shifted away from him a little and turned to face him, fresh tears falling silently down my cheeks, "I told her it felt like he was punishing me. That he is giving up because I am to damaged, to broken to marry."

"You are not worthless or broken. We are all a little damaged Bella but Sam loves you. It is nothing like my parents, Sam wouldn't hurt you, not ever."

I looked away from him again, out over the water, "But he is. I just had to know, I had to know if she loved him. I don't understand what she did to you. I could never understand that but I understand why she took him back, if she loved him."

"Bella?"

"It hurts Paul. More than anything, David ever did to me. If he is punishing me for disobeying him, for seeking out the Cullen's and for wanting to know my uncle, if he is then I would rather he hit me. I would rather he hit me than leave me."

I could feel Paul shaking beside me. I wiped at the tears continuing to silently fall in steady streams. "I'll be with Lore. Tell Sam I won't leave. I can't leave. I love him, it scares me but I can't not love him, I tried but I can't." I got up and walked away back towards his house. I could feel the movement of the air as he exploded behind me into the wolf; his howl was anguished and angry. I just kept walking. Emily was standing out on the porch when I cleared the woods around his house.

"Bella? What happened? I heard Paul howl, what's going on."

I shook my head and walked over to my truck. I swiped at the tears, trying to clear my vision enough to drive. My hands were shaking on the steering wheel.

Lore was waiting for me, sitting on the porch. I climbed out of the truck and walked up the steps to her.

"You sit Luna. I'll make us some tea."

I sat on the porch shivering despite the heat of the summer day. Movement in the woods caught my eye as Lore came out and handed me a mug.

"The wolves are checking on you." She nodded to the trees.

I shook my head; "Sam has forbidden them from coming here, from talking to me unless I go to them. It's him or Paul. Likely, it's Paul, checking to be sure I didn't drive into a ditch."

"What happened on your visit with your brother?"

"I asked him if his mother loved his father."

"Why?"

"To know if that was why she let him back. If the pain of his fist was less than the pain of his leaving."

"You think you are like her?"

"Paul once told me I was stronger than her. She let him back in, every time he hit her, abandoned her, she took him back. Paul thinks I'm stronger because I left David but I didn't love David, not really, he made me feel special in the beginning and then like I was lucky to have him in my life but it wasn't love. I love Sam and I would take him back, every time he left me, I would take him back. I would rather he hit me than left me. I'm not stronger than she was. I'm weak. I love him with all of me, and its not enough because I'm broken. This is worse, much worse than what David did. He only broke my body; he damaged my soul and broke my body. Sam has stolen my heart and broken my soul. He left me. I wasn't worth the fight." I stood up and went inside, curling on my bed, I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning Lore and I went back to our quiet routine. Breakfast with the dawn, work in the garden or on the house, have lunch, study in the afternoon, make supper together, spend the evenings listening to her stories and go to bed. The days slipped past flowing from one week to the next as the heat of the summer grew. The calm of my routine was broken only by my thoughts of the past and the future. While I found peace living in the woods with Lore she would not let me hide from my fears.

"Tell me something Luna."

"I am not the Luna." I replied, resting my notebook on my chest, swinging in the hammock as I turned my head to look at her. "The Luna is the mate of the Alpha."

"You are still Sam's mate."

"I have lived with you for several weeks. He haunts your woods but never comes for me. None of the pack comes, not even the imprints. Kim was my friend; she's under no Alpha command to stay away. I'm not Luna. I'm Sam's imprint and he has chosen not to take me as his mate. He has chosen to exclude me from the pack. I'm just Bella."

"Alright Bella."

"What is it you wish to ask me?"

"Your uncle, have you contacted him?"

"You would know if I had Teala so I assume you want to know why I haven't contacted him." At her nod I continued, "Part of me still wants to know him, to know who my mother was. Part of me wants to stay here, hidden in the woods, where time has no meaning, where I am not who I was, I don't feel broken here. Who he is, who she was it doesn't change anything. To leave here is to be out there. It's to face the fact that Sam left, he and the pack have abandoned me, even Charlie stays away."

"They all check on you."

"Talking to you is not the same."

"You could go see them."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"The same reason I can't call Emmett. Leaving here is being out there and I'm not ready. I don't want to go back to feeling broken. For the first time I feel peace. I have the stability I wanted when I moved to Forks. Even the pain is a constant and it numbs me to the world. I don't blame Sam for leaving or for staying away. I don't blame him for keeping the pack away or even for trying to forbid me from seeing Emmett."

"Why?"

"Sam left because I broke him. He's keeping the pack away so that it isn't hard for me to see the anger and pain we are causing them through each other. With Emmett, I cannot blame him for trying to protect me, for being afraid."

"What do you blame him for?"

"Nothing." I shook my head. "I did this."

"So how do you fix it?"

"I don't know. I don't think I can."

"What do you want Bella?"

I sighed, "Sam. I want Sam. I want to fall asleep wrapped in his warmth. I want to feel safe and loved. To cook for him, to laugh with him, to feel his hands on my body, to hear his voice, his growl, to smell his forest after the rain scent and see his eyes dark with desire. I want to love him."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Everything." I sighed again, "I fear the past and the future. I'm afraid of what the present is doing to Sam and the pack."

"I think it's time for you to go home."

"Sam is my home Teala. He doesn't want me."

"He has always wanted you Bella."

"I didn't want him to want me so he doesn't."

"What do you want Bella?"

"I want to marry Sam. I want the life I threw in his face."

"What about Emmett?"

I sighed, "I don't know."

"What do you want?"

"To talk to him, to know what he knows and find some kind of closure for us both. I still want to know who my mother was and what Dr. Cullen might know of the fey. If something comes after me here, I have to know what it is or at least as much as I can. I have to know how to protect them. How can I lead something dark and evil to the people I love? If I know more about them, about what I am and where I come from, then maybe I'll be able to protect them if it ever comes for me."

"This is what you should have told Sam. This need to protect him and the others, it's something the wolf can understand. You are Luna; it is your instinct to protect the pack, to guide them through the dark night, the young maiden, their gentle sister to protect and care for, the mother to protect and love them and the wise crone to teach them patience, trust and love. Sam is Alpha, he must guide them, he is their friend but also their leader, the decisions he makes can cost them their lives, it is not an easy role to fill. You help him do that by being his support, by taking care of them and he must support you in this. You have to trust each other."

I nodded, "I trust Sam."

"Do you?"

"I don't trust me."

"We all make mistakes Bella. When you met David, you opened yourself to love and when you needed to you did end it. It was his weakness and evil that hurt you and he has suffered pack law for it. Even there, you showed him mercy they would not have. You moderated their actions teaching them mercy."

"I didn't want them to become murderers. Protecting the tribe from Leeches is different. That is just defending themselves and their people, going after David was vengeance, he deserved to pay for what he did but killing him would have been wrong."

Lore nodded in agreement. She studied me for a moment before speaking again, "Are you afraid of Sam?"

"I'm afraid of loving him."

"Why?"

"Things are to good, to perfect, nothing easy like that is real, it doesn't last."

She laughed, "You and Sam have not had it easy Luna. Kim and Jared, they have it easy, the biggest hurdle that faced them was and is her mother but Kim has chosen to love Jared, what others think or want she does not care. They are happy. Emily and Paul had it easier than you as well. Paul was afraid of himself but Emily would not let him hide from her. She loved him when all he knew was anger and pain. She was his rock and still is. You and Sam, you have not had it easy, from the first time you met it was a struggle."

"Being with him is easy, not just the sex, but just being with him, the quiet moments of the day when all the world seems to disappear and its just him and I. Life is perfect then. I'm not broken, there is no past or future, only Sam and that moment."

"You're not broken Luna, your soul is a little damaged and you have scars that will never fade but you have never been broken."

I nodded, biting back tears. "It's still too good, just being next to him, it's too perfect, it can't be real, that kind of peace and love just doesn't exist outside of romance novels. It doesn't last in the real world, something always comes to take it away."

"Those are the moments that make life worth living Luna. The best moments of my life were the ones where my husband and I sat on the porch watching the sun go down; we did not speak, only sat together. The peace in my soul was complete. You must learn to accept the good things and not focus so much on the possibilities for bad in the future. Let all the problems of the past and the present fade away and accept the love of your soul mate. Everything happens for a reason Luna. You are Sam's reason. All that he has been through, all that he is and all that he does it is for you."

"I'm not worth his suffering."

"Tell me Bella. If you could change it all, go back and never date David, would you?"

"Of course."

"If you were never with David, if he never broke you, then you would not have come to Forks. You would not have become Sam's imprint and the fey part of you would never have reached out to Paul and soothed the pain in his spirit. Sam would be forever without the one who eases the stress of this life and Paul would forever have a part of his spirit broken, a sadness that ate away at his soul."

Lore got up and went into the house, leaving me to sit on the porch, looking out over the woods, thinking about her words. She never said much and half the time the things she said confused me but her wisdom was always there, guiding me through the fear and darkness.

After a while I got up and went into the house, Lore was in the kitchen mixing herbs together.

"I would live it again for them." I told her quietly sitting in my spot at the worn old table. "All of it, if I could go back, knowing what I know I would live it all again for them."

"Sam and Paul would tell you no. They would not want you to suffer."

"They're worth it."

"So are you. To them, you are worth any amount of pain. This is why they haunt the woods, why for weeks the pack has suffered without you. They would live through anything for you as you would live through anything for them, it is what love is Luna. Accept it, open yourself to it, you are worth it, they are worth it. Take the risk. Take a running jump off the cliff and move forward. The more you hold onto fear the more you let the past and David control you now."

"How Lore? How do I fix what I broke?"

"What do you want Luna?"

"Sam, I want Sam and our life together."

"The one you threw in his face."

"Yes."

"When he marks you the cage doors will close, you will be trapped in this life, in La Push."

"Being with Sam isn't a prison sentence, being without him is." I bit back tears, "Love is a gift. I don't want to leave La Push. I never really did."

"He will always tell you what to do. It's in his nature both as a wolf and as a man. He will always be over protective and possessive."

"He might always tell me but I wont always do it. I understand his need to protect me as I would want to protect him, a relationship is about compromise and love is possession, I love him so much that he owns my very soul."

"As you own his." I wiped at a stray tear and nodded my head. Lore set the mortar and pestle on the counter and walked over to me. "I think it is time you went home Luna."

"Sam is my home."

"Then it is time to teach him that. Your wolf has scars of his own Luna; he is not without fear and issues of his own. First, he must learn that you will not leave him. That La Push is your choice and it is time for him to come home. He kept the pack away, now you will keep the pack close, you will push him to face his own fears and accept your love as you have learned to accept his."

I bit back fresh tears and nodded, "I'll go pack."

Lore nodded and turned back to her herbs, "I will come with you if you like but you must stay on your own."

"No, I can do this on my own."

She nodded again, "You are much stronger than you know Luna."

"Thank you Teala."

"Come back to see me when you need to Bella. Trust your instincts, you will know what to do."

I went to hug her and she wiped her cool, dry hand over my tears, "Everything will work out well. Remember this last thing, sex does not cure everything but when words fail and fears hide us away sometimes the best attack is on their instincts. Once, before my marriage, my husband and I fought, I danced with another man, his jealousy reminded him of his love for me. You can use many instincts against a wolf Bella. Remind him he loves you; do not fight fair because everything is fair when love is at war. Attack him where he is weakest." With that, she kissed my forehead and pushed me gently to the hall.

It didn't take long to pack up my things. Her last words confused me and yet I knew as in all the things she said to me there was wisdom in them. The sun was setting as I got in my truck and drove to the little cottage Sam and I called home. It took me a moment to get out of the truck. I wondered if Sam were there or if he had been staying with the pack, unable to face the space we had shared, Maybe with Paul, or had he just been there on pack business that morning so many weeks ago? Where was he now? Did he know I had come home?

I took a deep calming breath and got out of my truck, determined to begin my life here, the life I had chosen and committed to and hopefully, one day that life would become the life I really wanted, a life with Sam.

There was a bit of a time jump in this chapter so just to clarify, Bella spent several weeks with Lore and it is the beginning of August when she returns home (to Sam's house).