An update! Can you believe it? I'll make no promises about how long it's going to take until the next one, because, as you may have noticed, I can't keep them. Hope you enjoy this and please leave a review if you have time.

Thank you to my dear friend and talented beta, Hatsepsut (It's good to have you back, honey!). Also thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter.

Chapter 32 – Like Dreamers Do

The weather was not so bad anymore. The snow was beginning to melt, people were back on the streets, the markets were busy again and so was Hawke. There was some issue in the Bone Pit that Hubert needed her help with and she had gotten a letter from Arianni about another problem with Feynriel. Maybe her friends would be willing to lend her a hand and she sent word for all of them, except Fenris, to meet her at the Hanged Man for lunch. Before she could ask for their help though, Varric spoke.

"Red and I tracked down Javaris, Hawke. He didn't steal the formula to the saar-qamek. He said it was an elf and she's hiding here in Lowtown."

"Yes. We need to find her. And I want your help with that templar – Emeric. Do you remember him, Hawke? He's convinced that every random murder in the past few years is connected and he won't be quiet," Aveline said.

"I'll talk to him," Hawke replied.

"Are we still going to get those ingredients for Sol?" Merrill asked.

Hawke had almost forgotten about that. When they had gone to Sundermount to find the Varterral's heart and the Dalish tattoo ink, they had been ambushed by slavers and ended up somewhere else, helping Fenris hunt down Hadrianna. "We are. Why?"

"Oh… I… need a special tool from my clan. An Arulin'Holm. But the Keeper… I can't talk to her. We fight or talk circles around each other. She has a disappointed frown that turns your bones to jelly. Will you talk to her for me, pleeeease?"

Hawke held back the urge to roll her eyes and said, "Sure, Merrill. Anything else?"

"There's a woman, a mage sympathizer, who's running a board for mages seeking help. She's at the Docks. Can we go see her? Maybe we can help," Anders said.

The rogue just nodded in agreement. It seemed this year was going to be an extra busy one. "Isabela? Sebastian?"

"I found a strange book in the Chantry. It was about blood magic and when I destroyed it, demons and shades were summoned," the prince said.

"I destroyed one of those in the Keep too. I didn't think there would be more," Aveline said.

"Why would you destroy them?" Merrill asked with genuine curiosity.

"She's just joking, aren't you, Daisy?" Varric laughed out loud, elbowing her. "She's just joking," he repeated emphatically.

"We should investigate. There might be others," Hawke jumped in before Merrill could say anything even more compromising. They had already risked too much letting Sebastian know about the mages in her band. It was best if he didn't find out one of them was actually a blood mage. He might not be willing to overlook that and she'd rather not have to kill him to keep Merrill safe. "What about you, Isabela?"

"Well, since you asked… Remember that relic I told you about? I've been following a lead. I'm so close I can taste it! If you don't mind helping me do some digging… It's in a stash somewhere in the Wounded Coast."

Hawke raised her brows, twisting her lips. "Somewhere?"

"Hey, I know enough to narrow down the search to a couple of caves," the pirate said.

Hawke dragged her hands over her face. She was sure that would be a tremendous waste of time and get them nowhere.

"I have never seen the ocean. All we got in Starkhaven is the Minanter River. As impressive as that is, I suppose," Sebastian remarked absently and Hawke saw her way out of that dead end job.

"Really? You don't know what you're missing, Cho– Sebastian! You go with Isabela then. Help her with this," she said.

"I'm bringing a tent. I think we might need to spend the night there," the pirate said, winking at the prince.

Sebastian chided himself internally for having walked right into that one. "No, I… uh…"

"I could go with you, Isabela. I mean… if you think you might need my help," Merrill said, wringing her hands and giving the pirate an expectant look.

"Sure, Kitten," she said cheerfully and turned to Sebastian. "Rain check, Choir-Boy? That tent is for two."

Aveline gave Isabela a surprised look. "What happened to 'the more the merrier'?"

"Apparently, that's not how Merrill likes it," Anders said, making the elf blush to the tip of her ears.

"If you break Daisy's heart, Rivaini, you're answering to Bianca," Varric muttered to the pirate.

Hawke and her companions went to see Arianni after their meal on the Hanged Man. It would still take a couple of hours for Keeper Marethari to get there, so Hawke was taking her time figuring out who to bring with her to the Fade. Sebastian had had a strong reaction just at her having agreed to help Feynriel and since she was not in the mood to argue, she just sent him back to the Chantry. Aveline suggested they let that situation be dealt by the Circle, which made Hawke cringe and she dismissed the warrior too. Merrill and Isabela would most probably have no qualms about cutting a deal with a demon there, so it was best if they sat this one out.

Since Anders had a lot of first-hand experience with creatures of the Fade, no doubt about that, and she was sure Justice would keep him safe there, she decided to take him. Varric too, because he was her best friend, a reliable friend and she trusted him.

There was someone else she was certain wouldn't go making deals with demons, but after what had happened between them, she didn't know if he would still be willing to follow her around. Maybe…

"Anders, will you talk to Varric about the Fade, tell him what it's like and what's to expect? We still have some time until the Keeper arrives and there's someone I need to see before we do this," Hawke said already leaving Arianni's house and not giving Anders the chance to ask any questions.

It felt like a déjà vu being at Fenris' door unsure about knocking, wondering if he was still in Kirkwall, if he would still want to work with her…

He opened the door before she could knock. He had heard her get there, recognized the sound of her footsteps and got anxious when it took her too long to knock, thinking that she might give up and leave without talking to him. "What you want, Hawke?" he asked. It sounded harsher than he intended. Still, it didn't intimidate her.

"I need your help, Fenris. There's… a place I need to go to and I need people I can trust by my side."

He had to hold back not to smile at that. She still trusted him; it was good to hear it. "Where?"

"The Fade," she answered, her chin held high as if she was challenging him to try to convince her otherwise.

"The Fade is a place for mages, not for people like you and I," he couldn't help saying, even though he knew it wouldn't change her mind.

"If I don't go, Feynriel might be lost forever."

His eyes narrowed and he clenched his fists. Just remembering how much trouble Feynriel had been the first time they had had to help him was infuriating. "This boy again?"

"There will be demons there and they'll tempt us," she continued as if Fenris had never spoken. "So you can imagine why Merrill and Isabela are not suitable for this quest. I trust Sebastian wouldn't betray me for some demon, but he refused to help. Aveline… is busy. Bottom line is you, Varric and Anders are my best bet to get this done."

"Are you bringing the abomination with us?"

"So you're going?"

"I have no desire to explore the Fade, but if you need me, I will go," he admitted. Some of her friends really couldn't be trusted to have her back in the Fade, but he could and he wouldn't let her down.

"Good. We better leave now. Keeper Marethari will be arriving any minute to start the ritual." Hawke turned on her heels and started walking.

Fenris hastily grabbed his sword and went after her, grasping her arm when he reached her. "Hawke!"

Halting suddenly, she turned to look at him, her eyes drifting to his gauntleted hand that still hadn't let go of her arm. It was nice to know they could still touch each other, even though he was being a bit rougher than the situation required. If he had just called her name, she would've turned to answer him just like she was doing now.

"Are you sure about the abomination?" he asked.

She huffed loudly. "His name is Anders and, yes, I'm sure. He hates blood mages as much as you do, so I know he won't go making deals with demons there. Plus, we could use Justice's experience in the Fade."

Fenris was at a loss for words. He felt he should argue and disagree with her, but her reasons to bring the abomination with them made sense. A frustrating lot of sense.

The instant they entered the Fade, Justice took over Anders' body. "I had not thought to return in such a way. It is good to feel the breath of the Fade again, not the empty air of your world."

"Feeling homesick, Justice? Maybe you should stay here and leave Anders alone," Hawke retorted.

"He wouldn't be missed," Varric muttered an aside to Fenris.

"I do not understand Anders' obsession with you, human. It has to end. You are distracting him from his path," Justice's voiced rumbled, loud and irritated. "However, you are here to save a mage and you don't have much time. I can feel his mind straining, so I will help you. But do not count me as your ally."

"I don't, believe me," Hawke replied, rolling her eyes as she took point and began the search for Feynriel.

After they defeated the demon of sloth, they met one of desire. They broke its hold of Feynriel, but then Hawke felt like she was being stabbed through the heart as the creature turned into Arthur, young, healthy and handsome as the day he had returned to Lothering to marry her.

"Leave them, Marian. They don't love you like I do. You'll always come in second for them. We can finally get married," he spoke.

Hawke's companions exchanged worried glances.

"A-Arthur," she gasped, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."

That was not going well and Varric took a step closer to her.

"It is forgiveness you desire and only I can give it to you. Kill them and you shall have it. Everything we had will be restored," Arthur offered.

She trembled and the dwarf reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. "Hawke, this is not him. Arthur is gone."

"The Fade is the only place where your failure can be erased," Arthur said, his eyes fixed on hers.

"Oh, Arthur, I really did fail you, didn't I? I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

"Hawke, this isn't him!" Fenris bellowed, trying to snap her out of it.

Varric tightened his grip on her hand. "Hawke, think. Would Arthur ask you to kill your friends?"

"N-No." She took a deep breath, swallowing back her tears. "He wouldn't. He was decent, virtuous, a better person than I'll ever be." Infinitely better.

So many demons had tried to lure her these past years, in that foundry in Lowtown, when they were trying to escape the Primeval Thaig, at the Vimmark Mountains, Torpor just now as they entered the Fade and she had never even considered making a deal with any of them, but this one delved in the depths of her mind to offer her something none of the others had: forgiveness. Her true heart's desire.

How weak was she. She had seen the monster turn into him, but still felt compelled to believe the creature. When she had entered the Fade, she knew full well something like this would happen. Yet for a moment there she had wanted to give in, craving the peace of mind that Arthur's forgiveness would bring her, even if it wasn't real.

She stared at the demon who was cruelly wearing his face. It isn't him, she reassured herself. Arthur had many qualities, but he was never this articulate. Clearly, it isn't him, she repeated. He wouldn't tell her to betray her friends.

"Hawke, we don't want to fight you," Varric said.

"No. You won't have to. I know this… this isn't him," she said in a shaky voice and squeezed back the dwarf's hand so he would know he could trust her.

The demon must have realized it had lost its grasp on her and turned back to its original form, already summoning shades to attack them.

Fenris leapt in front of Hawke, figuring she wouldn't be at her best to fight right now. The devilish creature still had its eyes on her, making her blood boil with anger, frustration and shame. That filthy demon had violated her mind, used Arthur against her and she… she had almost caved. Fuck! She would rip that thing apart.

Hawke vanished from behind the elf to appear face to face with the demon. It attacked her with Winter's Grasp, but the rogue was strong enough to keep moving, burying her daggers in its chest in an agonizingly slow motion. The demon casted a Drain Life spell, sucking from Hawke the health that her blades were taking from the creature. Although she was feeling weaker and dizzier with each heartbeat and her movement speed was still reduced, she kept sinking her daggers deeper in its chest.

The demon clawed at Hawke desperately and when it finally died, it was because Hawke had no more life to be drained out of her. She slumped to the floor, hearing in the distance her companions shouting her name as they were swarmed by the shades.

Hawke woke up with a start at Arianni's house. Her friends were still sleeping, eye balls rolling frantically under their closed eyelids. Disappointed at herself, she sat up and dropped her head to her hands. All she could do now was hope Varric, Fenris and Justice would be able to get it done in time to save Feynriel.

The two elven women came over to her side and Hawke told them not to lose faith. Varric was still there and he would carry on the mission. He had helped Feynriel before, he had taken him to the Dalish and Feynriel trusted him.

They waited in silence, until Fenris woke up, disrupting the quiet.

"What happened?" Hawke asked urgently.

Keeper Marethari stared at him, a piercing, knowing look on her face that made him blush and avert his eyes. "We all have weaknesses the demons find," she uttered.

The rogue gawked at the elf. "You?"

"I… I'm sorry. I would have thought myself above such influence," he apologized.

She could hardly believe it. "You're the last person I thought would make a deal with a demon."

Fenris glanced at Arianni and Marethari. "I do not wish to discuss this now, Hawke."

"Fine. You can go." You hypocrite! Don't think I won't hold this against you, because I will. I can barely wait for you to begin ranting about mages again, she wanted to add, but kept it to herself to avoid another screaming match, especially since they were not alone.

Thankfully, it didn't take long until the others woke up and they brought good news, besides Anders being back in control of his body – Feynriel was alive, not Tranquil and would be going to Tevinter to learn how to handle his abilities.

They left Arianni's house planning to go have a few drinks at the Hanged Man, but as they were passing by a side alley, they saw guards closing the way forward while a crowd was gathered around them. Most were just curious citizens, trying to see what was going on beyond the guards' blockage, but a few were truly desperate people, claiming they had to pass to find their loved ones that hadn't gotten away in time.

Hawke pushed through the crowd to meet the guard in charge. "What's going on?"

"Messere Hawke? Maker, please, the street is death," the guardsman said. "There was a cloud that drove people mad, and now a seeping mist that kills. All I can do is warn people. If someone like you dies on my watch, I'm right stuffed."

Anders managed to get to her side, carrying a reluctant Varric under his arm.

"Damn you, Blondie! Put me down! Now!" the dwarf complained.

The mage dropped him and said innocently, "I just thought it would be easier for you to get through the crowd like this."

"You thought it would be funnier, that's more like it," Varric grumbled.

"Shut up you two," Aveline said, joining them. "Guardsman Mason, keep your post. We will take it from here."

Aveline took point and Hawke and the others fell into step behind her. "He's a good man," she spoke about Mason. "Trust that it's as bad as he says."

One sniff at the odd greenish mist that was covering the street and Anders could already recognize some of the ingredients that had been used to make it and what were the possible effects of exposure to it. "Everyone, drink an elfroot potion before we get deep into this. What we're dealing with here is really strong. We're probably going to need a detox… if we survive."

It was something very strong indeed, they all noticed as it was getting harder and harder for all of them to concentrate and fight with every minute that went by. Once the crazy elven woman that was behind the whole incident was dead, they crawled out of that poisoned alley, coughing, with bleeding noses and sore eyes.

"We need to get rid of these clothes and bathe as soon as possible," Anders told them. "And drink another elfroot potion if you have any left," he added, since he was too weak to cast a healing spell that would be powerful enough to help all of them.

"See that our next job is on the beach, Hawke. We could use some fresh air," Varric said, before turning his head to the side and throwing up.

Of all of them, the dwarf was the one in worst shape and Hawke cursed herself for letting her short friend get in that poisoned alley in the first place. Of course he would be affected more than the taller and heavier people. He was even having trouble getting on his feet and Aveline got Mason to carry him to the Hanged Man. The guardswoman left for the barracks, while Anders and Hawke stayed at the tavern with him to make sure he would be alright.

At Hawke's request, Norah quickly drew a bath for him in his room. She made some snarky comments about what she thought was just Varric being drunk as… well, a dwarf, which Hawke and Anders ignored. Varric was muttering nonsense, slipping in and out of consciousness and they were not in the mood to explain the whole story to the waitress. Also, he would probably prefer if people thought he was filthy drunk rather than poisoned while fighting against a crazy elf for the benefit of Kirkwall. Being a martyr was not his style.

As the waitress left, Hawke and Anders got rid of the dwarf's clothes and got him into the bathtub. She scrubbed him clean of the saar-qamek with what was left of her strength; while the mage was fumbling with all their remaining potions, separating for them to drink the ones he thought would help.

They got Varric to swallow a couple of potions before putting him to bed, remembering to dress him in clean smalls so he wouldn't wake up thinking he had lost too much of his dignity that night.

It seemed that it was only taking care of the dwarf that was keeping Hawke together, because the moment he fell asleep under the covers she fell to the ground on her hands and knees. Anders hastily went to get Norah to draw them a new bath and while the waitress got it done, he sat on the floor by Hawke's side and pulled her to his lap. She was pale, sweating and shaking and though he was not feeling well himself, he tried to give her what comfort he could.

When they were alone again, they undressed and bathed. Exhausted, still feeling sick and experiencing a few lingering effects of the poison, they went to bed. To Varric's bed, which was a double bed and fitted the three of them somewhat comfortably, with Hawke mostly draped over Anders.

They could have rented a room for themselves at the Hanged Man, since they were clearly in no condition to make the trip back to Hightown, however they were not thinking straight and just crashed on the nearest bed, which was Varric's.

The next day they woke up startled, the dwarf shouting by their side, "Oh, shit! I'll be a nug's uncle! Did we…?"

"No!" Anders and Hawke replied in unison.

Varric took another look at them, at how they had their arms around each other. "Did you…?"

"No," Hawke said at the same time Anders said, "Not tonight."

"I knew it!" the storyteller uttered triumphantly, even in his debilitated state.

"It's nice to see you're feeling better, dwarf," Hawke said dryly and shot the mage an icy look. They hadn't agreed on telling the others they were together.

"It really is, sweetheart," Anders said, purposefully ignoring her glare. "Think you can find us some clothes, Varric?"

"Sure. Rivaini must have something Hawke can borrow and I'm sure there must be men's clothes somewhere in her room too." Varric got up, his movements slower than usual, and went to get dressed and break into Isabela's room. If she had gone with Merrill to the Wounded Coast, they probably hadn't come back yet.

The instant Varric left, Hawke turned angrily to Anders. "You had to tell Varric? Really? He's going to tell everyone!"

Anders shrugged. "So?"

"Well, it's just… It's that…"

"See! You can even find a reason! What is wrong with you?"

Damn, she wanted to slap him. Why didn't he get it that she was just not ready to parade in front of everyone her possessed apostate lover? She could do without the pressure that putting a label on that thing they were having would bring, without her mother asking when they would get married, without her companions keeping tabs on them and meddling in their every business. And just to think about the tragic, awful ways her two past serious relationships ended, she felt like she should never even consider being in one again.

Before she could answer Anders, Varric returned bringing them clothes, but panting and bleeding from various nicks and small wounds on his arms, hands and face.

"Fuck, Varric, what happened?" Hawke wrapped herself up in a sheet and rushed over to the injured dwarf's side. "Anders, do something!" What kind of place was Kirkwall that they couldn't walk a few steps without being attacked?

Varric dropped the clothes and leaned against the wall, wincing as his arm touched the hard surface. "Rivaini, that dirty nug-licker, had shrapnel traps all over her room. You might have noticed I'm not on my best, so I guess I don't need to tell you I didn't manage to disarm them all."

At least Anders was feeling well enough to cast a healing spell on the dwarf. While he recovered, Hawke went over the clothes he had brought only to find out the boots, skirt and shirt he had gotten for her were all hers in the first place. Maybe I should set some traps in my room too, she thought, inwardly shaking her head at the pirate.