Ch 35- Stolen Moments

March 20th, 1920

Samuel Carson giggled so hard he almost shrieked when he heard his father say 'peak-a-boo!' The baby boy's giggles, accompanied by his father's deep, joyful laugh filled the whole downstairs with a sound that brought utter delight to Elsie Carson's heart but startled everyone else within ear's reach.

Carson was so stern and proper most of the time that the mere idea he could be so sweet with his baby son was almost off-putting. More specifically, it came as a shock to Daisy, a sweet surprise to Anna (who thought her own husband would be just as sweet of a father), and it made Thomas feel ill. But for Mrs. Carson it was the greatest of gifts: a stark reminder of how enormously blessed she was to be a mother after all her years of waiting.

"Peek-a-boo!" Carson said again, unable to help but crack a smile at Sam's reaction. Beryl smiled half-heartedly, watching from the other side of the kitchen.

"Ha!" The baby gasped in awe, looking back as his dad covered his hands with his face, attempting to hide from his son.

A few seconds long pause on Carson's part confused the almost eight-month-old boy. He started to panic and turned his head both ways, looking around the kitchen from his place in his highchair.

'Where is he, where'd daddy go? Where's my daddy?!' He thought frantically, not looking past the hands that covered his dad's face. Sam thought his dad was actually gone and started to cry.

"Oh! Oh Samuel, Samuel what scared you, what scared, you daddy's back." He said, lifting the baby into his arms. "There lad it's not that bad." He whispered, rocking the boy as he held his head in his hands. "Shuu."

Sam was a people person, but hated to be apart from his mom and dad. He'd grown clingier ever since Elsie started putting him in the nursery with the other children.

Elsie walked in and paused, smiling as she watched her husband balance their baby son in his two hands, trying to shush him. Sam was a big baby, but still so small in comparison with her husband's mammoth hands, something about that touched Elsie deeply and she couldn't help giving off a peaceful sigh as she approached her husband and baby.

"Here Samuel look, mummy's here." Carson chuckled.

Beryl watched, feeling a bit jealous as her friend joined her husband, gazing at their son. She wasn't sure what it was but she'd felt a growing discontent ever since Samuel had been born. Sure she loved the Carson children and knew she was a valued figure in their lives but part of her was hurt. She was grateful, but not content to just be an auntie. In some way, Beryl wished she'd gone another way and had a husband and children of her own, but didn't dare allow herself to think on it.

"Times are moving fast Mr. Carson." Elsie said, watching their son yawn in his father's grasp. Sam blinked up at his parents, barely able to keep his eyes open.

"A little too fast Mrs. Hughes." He acknowledged, kissing her softly.

Carson was still worried about what the future held. Lady Mary's wedding was fast approaching and Lord Grantham had kept very tightlipped about Downton's financial situation ever since he and Charlotte had found out about it. The butler was almost offended his employer hadn't shared this information to him given that in some way he was also head of the house.

After a while, he wondered if perhaps his daughter, who seemed to be part of the house in a way he didn't yet understand, had gleaned any new information about the Lord and his finances, but when he asked she only said:

'Oh daddy you said we weren't supposed to talk about that. Remember? What, again, are finances? Oh! Money, I remember daddy!' The child grew excited for a moment. 'He lost it, right dada?' She asked sadly, her worried tone of voice breaking his heart.

Indeed the drum of time was marching on too quickly. And Carson was left to wonder helplessly where his family would find themselves come Christmas time (actually… he'd never imagine where they would be at Christmas). He watched his wife as she took their baby son in her arms, something about her smile in that moment softened his heart, making him feel all the more desperate about their uncertain future.

"Come on Samuel. It's time for lunch and a nap, oooh mummy needs a nap!"

"I'll agree to that!" Beryl chuckled.

The two women were fast at work preparing for Lady Mary's wedding, which was just eight weeks away and unbeknownst to them, expected to be the last grand affair Downton would ever host. All of this added to the enormous pressure Carson was feeling.

"Good-bye daddy." Elsie giggled, kissing her husband's cheek and heading toward her sitting room. Carson watched her carefully as she walked away.

'She's so beautiful.' He thought.

Looking back, he saw the young girl he married rather than the middle aged woman she was. A beautiful woman who'd been his everything all these years and who now finally thought she had the peace and the happiness she deserved in raising the children she'd so desperately wanted. He couldn't stand to shatter that peace for anything. He couldn't imagine having to tell her that their youthful longing was to be replaced with a mountain of worry in older age. Carson sighed, resolving that he couldn't let that happen and had to get more answers from Lord Grantham or forge ahead and make a new life on his own.

…

"Do you boys want to be in a wedding?" Cora asked excitedly.

Many hours had passed and Cora was in the small library with all of the children. She too was spending much of her time excitedly planning her oldest daughter's wedding and was enjoying the break with hers son and his friends.

"Noooooo!" Ben and Charlie replied at once, both disgusted with the idea of weddings.

Seven-month-old Sam sat on the floor on a blanket looking back and forth between Lady Grantham and his big brother. He was confused by all of the excitement as of late and didn't understand why Cora and his own mother were both so busy.

"I do, I do! Please." Charlotte begged.

"Yes of course Charlotte." Cora smiled. "You're going to be a flower girl, would you like that?"

"Yay! What's that?"

Cora giggled. "You get to wear a pretty dress, walk behind Lady Mary as she walks down the aisle, you know at the church. And you get to throw flower petals all over the floor with some other little girls, does that sound like fun?"

"Yay!" Charlotte's eyes grew wide.

She loved the idea of getting to play with some other little girls for a while. Sharing the nursery with three little boys, even though they were boys she loved, made her feel somehow very lonely. Things had changed since Sam had gotten big enough to play with them: they were all older and she found herself very much outnumbered. Lady Sybil's recent visit had reminded her that she'd once had a much older girl in the house to relate to and left her feeling lonely.

Charlotte spent part of her days indulging mostly in the games the boys chose (they'd never dream of leaving her out, all three boys adored her for their own reasons), and another part of her time wishing she were with mummy, Mrs. Patmore or Cora. Charlotte never uttered it; she knew it was far too improper, but she hoped that Mary would have a baby soon after she married and that she would be a girl.

Charlotte grew excited at this prospect for a moment before she remembered that in six months they might not all even be there: life at Downton would be a memory. The little girl swallowed hard at the thought that had been eating her up inside, trying to put it in the back of her mind.

"Yay." Cora smiled, reassuring the little girl she'd grown to love.

"Charlotte wear dress?" She asked.

"Charlotte will wear a beautiful little dress."

"No dress for Charlie." Charlie practically spat causing Cora to laugh.

"I should certainly hope not." Cora laughed and Ben giggled, knowing Charlie was simply being cheeky.

"Your da would never allow that m'lad." Elsie laughed, coming into the room.

"Mummy!" Charlotte squealed, turning from the countess and running with open arms to her mother, her twin brother at her heals.

Charlotte's heart pounded. She'd kept tight-lipped about what she'd heard weeks before, but her father's worry was obvious to her, just as it was to her mother who was clueless about what was even wrong. The little girl hugged her beloved mother tightly, feeling guilty for hiding this secret from her. It seemed important.

"Hello my little lovely girl and darling boy." Elsie whispered, kissing her softly as she took Charlie in her arms too. Sam watched from Cora's feet, jealous that he couldn't also run to his mother.

"She'll be over to get you in a minute, I promise." Cora whispered to him before turning to Elsie. "Elsie I was just asking the children if they would like to be in the wedding."

"Mummy I get to be a flower girl!" Charlotte forgot her on-again, off-again angst; suddenly excited about the role she would play.

Every once in a while, Charlotte used to try to get the boys to play wedding with her and aside from Ben's occasional cooperation she usually got a resounding no, so despite all her fears she was almost entranced by the idea of being in a real wedding.

"You do?!" Elsie asked, pretending to be surprised. She rested her forehead against Charlotte's. "Charlie are you in the wedding?" She asked. He frowned and nodded slowly. "You'll be so handsome m'lad."

No one there knew how much confusion permeated the walls of that house. Everyone knew in some measure that something was wrong, the problem was most of them thought they were on their own in knowing it. Cora thought the financial problem wasn't as bad as it was, and didn't realize it wasn't a secret confined to her bedroom. Charlotte felt guilty for knowing something she didn't understand and Elsie knew her husband was deeply burdened by something important. By deduction she'd reasoned it had to do with the house. If it were more personal he'd have said. Even Thomas had heard rumblings, and was in the midst of a plan to ensure that he retain his status at Downton… and that Miss O'Brien did not.

The abundant confusion that accompanied the whole mess resonated in little Charlotte's soul in such a way that she'd always be able to recognize a similar problem brewing. One day when she was grown she'd look back on this experience, this feeling she had of impermanence and uncertainty and use it to help save Downton for real.

Charlotte nervously played with the buttons on her mother's dress, feeling the need to make a confession, but again she kept quiet. Today she would simply be a flower girl, not a brave girl. Unbeknownst to her, she would choose to do the same thing Cora was doing: channel all of her worry and angst into the wedding and her role in it.

"Cora there is just one thing." Elsie said, kissing her twins and going to pick up Sam. The baby squealed in delight, reaching for his mom. "The way they've designed the floral arrangements is a bit haphazard. To do what Lady Mary wants they'll have to take off the front doors, I wasn't sure you would be…"

"Yes. I'm amenable to that Elsie. I know Carson won't be."

"He isn't going to believe me." She confessed. "And he won't like it."

"Under other circumstances I don't think I'd like it either." Cora admitted, lifting Ben onto her lap. He sat and began to look at her needlepoint. "But the doors of his house will be open soon enough." She sighed.

A few minutes later, Elsie took her children and made her way back downstairs, deeply disturbed by her friend's comment. What did she mean the doors would be open soon enough? What doors, to who and why? Elsie was confused but knew in her heart that it had something to do with her husband's increasing discontent.

…..

5 Hours Later

"Are you sure?" Mary asked, knitting her eyebrows together in an almost annoyed display of misunderstanding.

The fire crackled filling the silence in the room before Carson finally spoke for his son. Matthew and Lady Mary, you see, had made a request of the youngest Carson, one his parents didn't feel he was prepared to honor. As a result they'd been called up to the drawing room to see the young couple after dinner.

"We appreciate your offer and are honored you considered Samuel, m'lady." Carson began. Elsie stood next to him, holding the baby in her arms as he sucked on his hand.

"You're sure?" Mary urged.

"No m'lady. He'll eat it." Elsie insisted.

"Well surely we can tie it to…" Matthew began, speaking of the wedding ring they'd wanted baby Sam to hold during the ceremony.

"No Mr. Crawley. I'm afraid he will… consume it." Carson finished.

The four paused watching the baby chew on his own hand, his father's words needing no explanation.

"I see." Mary smiled quickly, her voice almost sharp.

"He's a happy little chap." Matthew laughed and Elsie smiled in agreement, looking down at her son.

"Yes Mr. Crawley, he is." Elsie almost swooned over her infant son.

"We'd only wished to include Samuel." Mary said. "Along with all the other children after all, he is a part of this house why shouldn't he be in the wedding?"

Carson sighed as they made their way out into the hall, Elsie still focused on her baby. "I feel a little bad. It would've been nice for Sam to have been in the wedding. See m'lad sometimes being a big, chubby baby will get you in trouble." She giggled, kissing his cheek.

"He'll only be part of the house for so long anyway." Carson mumbled, walking ahead of his wife as she focused on their drooling baby.

Elsie stopped for a moment her confusion turning to anger as she considered Cora's earlier comment about the house. In an instant she knew it was time to finally ask him, to make him tell her what was wrong.

"Charlie? What on earth does that mean?!" Elsie asked angrily. "After almost a month I think you owe me an explanation. I know something's wrong."

"Not right now Elsie." He gave an impatient, almost angry sigh.

"Mr. Carson?!" She demanded.

"Carson?" Robert asked, sticking his head out one of the other doors.

Carson didn't answer his wife, and instead followed Lord Grantham, leaving her and Samuel in the foyer on their own.

"Mmmm." Sam mumbled, looking up at his mom with great big blue eyes.

"Ah!" She jumped, noting he had her keys in his mouth.

…

The Carsons barely spoke on the way home and when they did they argued. Charlotte and Charlie had never seen their parents so upset with one another. Charlotte, knowing what she did about her father's burdens, found the whole thing distressing and wondered if she could fix the row with just a bit of her own insight. But it was late and although the twins were smart they were little. Both fell asleep on their father's shoulders as they made their way home, their parent's bickering with one another sending the pair off to a night of restless sleep and dark dreams.

"You could tell me." She said, tucking Sam into his crib. Her voice was quiet but carried with it an undertone of anger and pain. Carson could sense his wife felt betrayed.

'I'm trying to spare you.' He longed to say. 'I'm doing this for you.'

It began to rain the moment they walked inside the house. Neither bothered to pour a drink or stoke the fire and instead, tucked the children in bed first thing. Carson looked around the house. His house. And as he tucked his children in bed, thought about how they soon might not have a place to sleep. How they wouldn't just loose Downton but possibly their own home too. He owned the house, outright. But once his savings went where would they go? He followed Elsie to the kitchen, hearing the storm pick up outside.

"I… it's difficult for me." He tried to explain, hesitating as she went about her home chores, smashing things around in the kitchen.

"What would you not share with me?" She asked her eyes flashing as she slammed a drawer shut.

He paused, seeing pain in her eyes. It crushed him to see her hurt. There'd been so much of that in the early days of their marriage when they should've been able to be young and carefree. He'd never forget the pain in her eyes that seemed to come each month when she'd discover that she was not pregnant. He'd never forget his own pain of continual separation from her, of not being able to sleep with her, or hold her, to share an overwhelming joy that had never faded: that she was his wife.

"What could you possibly not share with me?" She urged, tears in her eyes.

She believed this was about Downton but had started to wonder if it were personal. She remembered his near heart attack several years before and was now worried this was related to that. What if he were sick? What would she do alone with three babies? And even if it were about the house, what if the stress did affect his heart? She was about to more thoroughly express her concern for him, rather than her anger with him when he spoke again.

"Well what did you not share with me?" He thundered, obviously affronted. "You told me you couldn't bare my children Elsie and then went and had a risky, painful operation to fix it without telling me. Without giving me the opportunity to be there for you."

Her words had been a trigger point for him, he'd been angry since he found out about the surgery that had enabled her to bare Charlotte, Charlie and Samuel, and couldn't believe she'd kept it from him. It made him feel like she didn't trust him with her life, and even though she didn't know it, her life and their children's rested presently in his mammoth but unsteady hands.

"I was just trying to spare you." She said softly, her voice wavering as her heartbeat spiked. "I'm doing it for you."

"I feel…as though the ground I walk on were shaking." He admitted. She swallowed hard as he approached her.

"Charlie, please. I'm your wife. I know something's wrong please just say it."

Carson paused for a moment before pressing his lips deeply into hers, pushing her up against the kitchen counter with force. She was surprised but sunk deep into his kiss, almost more excited than anything else. It had been a long time since he'd come upon her lips first, primal, uninhibited and seemingly ready to just take her wherever she stood. Elsie tilted her head, giving him further access to her mouth as she wrapped her arms around him.

Such an encounter was a vestige of their previously private, childless marriage. At one time it had been very common for him to just descend upon her as it were, taking her whenever it seemed they had the chance to be alone together and be intimate. At the time, it had been the only way they could come together: in his pantry, or her sitting room or wherever else they could find in the depth of the night. The two would suffer throughout the day that followed, having foregone much needed sleep in favor of a night of passion spent with the other.

Carson thought about this as he kissed his wife, lovingly caressing her face in his hands. That had been no way for a young man to spend time with his wife. Stolen moments were something for lovers, for people sneaking around doing wrong: not for happily married couples. Carson found himself saddened they'd spent so much time sneaking around, that he'd allowed his precious wife and his time with her to be cheapened in anyway. He felt cheated, and all the more so knowing he'd done it for the sake of their lives in this house, something that was just going to crash down all around them anyway.

Elsie considered all of this as she started to unbutton his shirt. She had no shame for sneaking around with her husband and while in some way, she felt cheated over having to hide their marriage, she also sort of missed those days. Carson was too proper to admit, even to her, that he felt the same. After all, there was a lot to be said for sneaking around. For Elsie, her husband's unexpected physical pursuit of her in the kitchen that night had been a wonderful reminder of what it had been like to be young, of the thrill she'd always felt in being with him and finally of the allure of being caught.

She adored the sanctity and the warmth of their marriage bed, but before tonight never could've admitted that she missed the random wall or desk. It'd all changed once she'd finally become pregnant with Charlotte and Charlie.

'I can't make love to the mother of my children on a desk.' He'd said, treating the word like it was filth.

But tonight, Carson found himself frustrated and scared. He needed to feel young again, like there was anything in the world he might be able to control, and so he found himself returning to the walls and desks of his youth, ready to steal the evening with his surprised but eager wife.

Elsie searched his eyes when they pulled apart, wanting to question him further, but knowing definitively that he wouldn't give her an honest reply to her inquires. Something was wrong and whatever it was, it was beyond her ability to fix it in any permanent sort of way. Elsie gently rubbed her hands over his bare chest, his shirt now totally unbuttoned. Laying her hands over his beating heart she leaned forward and kissed the center of his chest as he collected her hands in his own. Elsie paused for a minute, trying to discern what he could be feeling. It was something that had been bothering her and continued to as she searched his face. Elsie decided in that moment, that she wouldn't press him and that instead, the only thing she would do that night was be the wife he clearly needed her to be.

"My dearest one…" He whispered, deciding he should explain something to her. Carson looked down into her eyes his heart leaping as he thought of how much it pained him to let her down.

"No, no Charlie." She soothed, looking up at him as the wind howled in the distance. "Shuuu. You don't need to say anything else my love."

Carson spoke not a word, tears coming to his eyes in gratitude for his wife's forgiving heart and took her face in his hands softly brushing her cheek with his thumb. She stood on her tiptoes as he leaned down and started to kiss her once more, taking comfort in the warmth of her lips. Elsie yelped a little in excitement but didn't break their lip lock when she felt him lift her into his arms. He held her close, kissing her deeply as the thunderstruck and together they sunk onto the floor.