Chapter 34

"My… my house?" I choked out.

"Yes, little sky, your house." Ali nodded hesitantly and I could tell that he was watching me as my expression faltered and crumbled to complete distress.

Memories of six years ago flooded my mind instantly and I knew exactly what he had meant. He had meant that we could use the house that I used to live in. The house that I used to live in with my now deceased parents. If I went back there, I knew that memories of how life used to be back then would consume me and I would probably break down into a total mess the same way that I had done on the first day that I was back at the Academy after having had the talk with Martin in his office.

I wasn't sure if I could handle another break down again so soon. I hadn't even considered the idea, the possibility, that they had kept my parents' house empty. I would have thought that after such a long time they would have remodelled it to cater for other visitors or royals in this school. I hadn't once thought about the chance that they might have kept my parents' house the way that we had left it.

All my questions about what state the house might be in were answered by Ali's next comment.

"We left the house as it was and didn't change anything at all. The only thing that we did do was to tidy it up a little bit and to continue dusting it every now and then and use it as a base for gathering but that kind of meeting diminished pretty quickly after I graduated and was assigned a charge to take care of. But now that we're all back together, we could definitely start those gatherings back up again. It would certainly be a nice way for us all to catch up without the fear of someone interfering."

"Why? Why didn't any of you move on?" I whispered as I stared up at him.

Although I didn't want them to move on, I couldn't help but think that it would have been horrible to hang onto the past in such a way if I did die out there while I was on my own. None of them had any type of reassurance that I was still alive. They couldn't have possibly had any idea that one day I might be back. Even I had absolutely no idea that I would one day be back. I had never even considered the idea.

Yes, I had missed my family here. But I also loved the life and freedom that I had out there and after having already been gone for so long, I couldn't possibly just come back out of nowhere. I had never thought that I would one day be caught out by a Guardian from the Academy, especially not from St. Vlads. If it had been any other Guardian, and I had bumped in a fair share in the past, I could easily blag my way through and no one had ever suspected a thing. Not even Arthur and Tamara had any idea that I was the runaway Ivashkov heir. No one knew, and I was perfectly happy to keep it that way.

At least, that was how I used to think, but now that I was back I couldn't help but feel glad that I was found out by Joe. I couldn't help but feel as though, while I was living out there, every single day I had been waiting for them to appear out of nowhere and to bring me back home. Loving my freedom out there was one thing, but absolutely nothing could beat the family I had here and having come back for a week now really hammered that thought home. Now that I was back and fully knowing that I had my family with me I suddenly couldn't understand how I had managed to hold on for so long out there. How had I managed to live alone for so long? What had that been like? It had only been a week, but already I was beginning to forget what my life out there was like in terms of living alone.

Of course, I would never forget my experiences at school as a member of various different clubs, nor would I forget about my job, but suddenly living on campus again with other people around me, I suddenly couldn't remember what it was like to live on my own, to have meals on my own occasionally, and to not be wondering around in the middle of the night chasing after stray Strigoi.

That kind of life, although I had only left it about a week ago, suddenly seemed so long ago and it seemed so far away from me.

"What are you thinking about?" he whispered as he stroked my cheeks. "You seem to have a very complicated expression on at the moment."

"I'm just thinking how on earth I managed to hold on all this time out there without you guys around." I smiled sheepishly and rested my forehead gently against his.

"I've been wondering that every single day since I found out you were back."

"It just seems so unreal right now. I've been gone for six years, and yet here I am back again and the family is coming back together like nothing ever happened. We're connecting just as we had done six years ago and it just seems so surreal. I can't remember how I used to get by without having you guys around anymore. It's only been a week but… I honestly can't remember."

"And I have every intention of making sure that you will never have the need to remember how to get through every day without knowing that we were there for you. I lost you once, little sky and that is already one time too many for me. I won't ever let you slip away like you had done six years ago ever again. If you even consider doing this to do again, I promise you, I will hunt you down and I will leave no place in the world unsearched."

"I certainly don't want to get on your bad side, Ali."

"Unless you decide to stupidly think about leaving and taking the burden by yourself again without letting us help you, you won't ever have to worry about something like that," he scoffed. "But seriously, you can't do this to us again. Not when we've got you back and you turned out to have grown so well."

"Considering how there isn't really much else that I can learn by being on my own out there anymore, I don't really have any objections to staying here for the rest of my life."

"Is that all?"

"Well, the lovely people here who are with me are certainly a bonus." I grinned.

"Ah yes, speaking of people here who might make you want to stay. I've heard and seen about Cooper. Just how on earth did that happen? I have to say that I didn't really see that one coming at all. I had a feeling that he would try to aim for you but I didn't really expect you to agree."

"Ali, I'm not a saint. If an attractive boy is vying for my attention so blatantly the way that he was, I don't really have any reason to object unless I had someone else that I wanted to go out with." I told him honestly.

"Just be careful, Kai. I know that people say great things about him, but I also know from experience that it is most often the people who appear to have a perfect record and is still able to be popular and ace everything that are the most dangerous, especially in our community. If they are a teacher's pet and are as seemingly squeaky clean as Cooper is, then that means that he is definitely hiding something."

"Either that or he's just never been caught." I scoffed. "You seemed to be saying the exact same thing that Guardian Jenson was trying to tell me. He was leaning more towards the fact that I needed to be careful and not get myself pregnant though and ruining my chances of having a brilliant career as a Guardian."

"This was probably said to you before he found out though, right?"

"Yeah."

"I've been meaning to ask, but do you actually have the intentions of becoming a proper Guardian?"

"I don't know, Ali." I sighed and shook my head. "I don't really want to talk too much about this topic since I still have two years until graduation, but even I know that my secret is going to get exposed at some point before I graduate. I would be lucky if I manage to get away with it for a whole year but I honestly don't think that it will last that long. I don't really think that fate likes me well enough to do that. Somewhere down the line, something is going to happen that will expose my secret and I don't really know what could happen after that. All I know for sure is that there will be chaos."

"I'm not asking what you think will happen in the future, Kai. I want to know whether you really want to be a Guardian who protects a charge."

"At the moment, I have absolutely no idea. I'll let you know if I change my mind."

"What is the likelihood that you will change your mind?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. I will change my mind when I find someone worth risking my life for the way that a proper Guardian is supposed to do to their designated charge." I smiled.

"Have you ever thought of the likelihood of someone requesting you?"

"Don't joke, Ali." I smacked him in the arm. "What idiot would request me as their Guardian?"

"Kai, I don't think you fully understand. You are aware of how strong and capable you are in comparison to a lot of already fully pledged Guardians here, and yet you don't seem to have thought about the possibility that because you are so capable, there will be people fighting amongst themselves to have you as their Guardian."

"You're kidding…" I stared at him in shock and mulled over his words for a moment and realised that he was right.

I had only been concerned about being strong to protect the people important to me that I hadn't even begun to consider the idea of someone wanting to request me as their Guardian. I realised that my experience and desire to protect people would appeal to a lot of people and that although people don't know why exactly I had worked so hard to become strong, they would only see me as a good choice of request.

I cursed and smacked my forehead in reprimand of my own foolishness for not having realised it earlier.

"I definitely didn't think of that." I groaned.

"Fortunately for you, you have a long time before you have to make that kind of choice, Kai. You don't really need to think seriously about it for at least another year and a half. You're one of the lucky Guardians who don't have to think too hard about working towards impressing others to get a good charge. What you'll need to concern yourself with at a later date would be who to accept as your charge."

"That's no better!" I protested and threw my arms up in frustration.

Ali laughed and just hugged me to him once more. "You are absolutely hilarious, Kai, you know that?"

"Oh, I'm glad that I'm amusing you, Ali." I scoffed. "Speaking of charges, how did you get yours? Was he a friend that you wanted to have as your charge or did you just random get selected and mashed together with some Moroi?"

"Well, we were casually mashed together as you so delicately put it," he grimaced. "But we weren't exactly the best of friends either."

"Who was it?"

"Jonathon Dashkov."

"Wait… Jonathon Dashkov as the one who was only on the outskirts of the whole Royal system? The one who wasn't a full royal due to the diluted blood line?"

"That's the one."

"Isn't that the exact same one who used to irritate you to the point of no return?" I frowned.

"That's the exact one. You've got a brilliant memory considering it was six years ago."

"I'm alright at remembering things that stand out, especially when it comes to people and their actions or relationships. How on earth did that happen?"

"Well, not long after you left, there was even more chaos after everything that happened that month. For some reason John decided to get his act together and went for joining the Council so that he could have a say in politics."

"He wanted to join the Council? Was he crazy?!"

"It wasn't actually that bad of a decision. As annoying as he was, he was smart and intelligent and had amazing ideas, even I couldn't deny that. Apparently, because of his goal, he had decided that he wanted to have one of the better Guardians by his side to help him through, someone who wasn't stupid or just a sheep and someone who wouldn't be afraid to tell their opinion the way it was without caring about who their charge was."

"And of course, the only person who fit that description was you."

"He wasn't actually that bad towards Graduation. After you leaving, I got my act together as well and stopped mucking too much. In fact, I think I was around the same age as you are now when you left back then."

"That does sound about right." I smiled.

"What have you got planned tonight?"

"Nothing that I know of, why? You want me to sneak out?"

"If you're not too tired do you think you can sneak out after lights out? I'll ask Martin's permission about it so that if you are caught you don't get into trouble but I think that you should probably go see your house as soon as possible. If you delay it for any longer it think that the strain will just be worse when you eventually get round to it."

I stared at Ali for several moments and I contemplated on refusing it. The truth was, I really didn't want to see my old house. I didn't want to go back there. I didn't want to for fear of everything rushing back all at once and that I just might revert back to the way I used to be due to the shock. I might reminisce too much in that house and forget who I am now. I might get confused about who I really am. If I went back to that house, I knew that I would remember myself as the Ivashkov princess again, a person that I hadn't even thought about since the day I left the Academy. I hadn't thought of myself as the princess for such a long time and I didn't know what it would be like to remember that no matter how much I try to run away from the truth, that was who I was. That was my identity and no matter what I did, there was nothing that I could do to change that fact.

But deep down I knew, that despite my irrational fear, Ali was right. The longer that I kept myself away from my old house, the worse it would be when I eventually saw it again. The sooner that I got this done, the better it would be. I knew that he was right, and that was why I decided to agree to sneaking out after lights out.

"If you clear it with Martin then where do you want me to meet you?" I asked him.

"I'll wait for you outside your window. If I ask you to meet at the house, you'll probably think about running away at the last second and not go through with it."

"So you're planning on dragging me kicking and screaming?"

"If there is a need for it then yes. But then again, you'd never stand me up so you just might hold that into consideration before you bolt."

"Hey, how do you know that I'd never stand you up?" I protested indignantly.

"Instinct, Kalster. You're too nice to do that to someone you like to a certain degree."

"I might have changed, you know."

"You've changed, I'm finally starting to get that, but I do know that that isn't one of the things that's changed about you."

"Damn it you caught me." I grumbled.

"I'll be outside your window just after lights out."

"You know, Alster, if you get caught hanging around outside, people are going to think that you're a stalker." I laughed.

"I'll make some kind of an excuse to get around it," he shrugged. "You should probably leave the Guardian Quarters before anyone decides to come back for a chill. I don't think that we can possibly think of a logical reason for you to be here, especially not in a male Guardian's room."

"I couldn't agree with you more on that." I nodded.

With that said, we gave each other another hug and I gingerly opened the door and glanced along the corridor to make sure that no one was around before sneaking out of Ali's room and making my way out of the Guardian's Quarters as quickly as I could without getting caught.

I felt considerably lighter after having had that well needed conversation. For one thing, I was no longer left feeling completely baffled and confused by what was happening, especially with regards to people's emotions and reactions to what was going on. But now that one problem was dealt with, I had another one following straight after.

I had to go back to my house.

The house that I grew up in.

The house that held so many precious memories that I had kept locked up and hidden for the past six years to keep myself from crying all the time. To say that I would be a nervous wreck if I were to enter the house would be one heck of an understatement. I was absolutely terrified of going back there. I was terrified of feeling so weak and helpless again, something that I hadn't really felt since leaving the school.

Leaving the vampire community, where higher strength for dhampirs was the norm, and immersing myself within the human society had really boosted my self-confidence. Being out there with people who would naturally have less strength and stamina than me had really helped me see myself in a new light. I was no longer comparing myself to people who were much more outgoing and better at what I was supposed to be good at. I was no longer constantly being compared to either by the other royals who would always give me snide and condescending glances as though I was nothing more than filth on their shoes. Although no one had ever said anything directly to me, they never had to, because even as a young child I was good at reading what was in people's eyes. Even back then I was observant and had learnt to read the emotion and thought just by looking at the way someone's eyes gleamed. It was in their tones as well.

It didn't matter that my parents were well respected people, the fact that I was a freak was unchangeable. I was an unexplainable existence that not even my parents could justify. They loved me. I knew that. But I also knew that there had been moments when they were somewhat troubled by the fact that I wasn't a part of either race. I was neither a dhampir nor a Moroi. I was an unnatural being, an outsider.

I knew that they used to be concerned about what would happen as I grew older and whether I would ever be accepted by people. Back then, children growing up were constantly influenced by what the adults said about me and I knew that if I hadn't left, the children would have grown up being constantly influenced by their parents' comments and opinions about me. If I hadn't left, no one would have been able to see me with fresh eyes not heavily influenced by the opinions of the older generations. They would have always seen me as what the adults said I was and never would've had the opportunity to see me as I was really was. They wouldn't have been able to see past my oddity.

And even now I wonder what would happen if the truth was to be revealed. I knew there would be chaos. But would people still view me as a freak the same way they had back then? Would they even remember how they felt about me back then considering how insignificant I used to be despite occasionally being at the centre of attention due to my should-have-been impossible talents to wield any element I wanted.

Even more so, thinking back to something that Drew had said once since my return, I wondered that if he had the chance to, would he really want to try training with a dhampir who could fight like I could as well as wield magic the way that he could. If he knew that his dream wasn't actually impossible, what would he do?