I Remember You
Flashback: Alone and Lonely
Chapter 37
Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. As the previous chapter, this chapter will be based on Eric's PoV. You may need some tissues because of the sadness of the formally 'carefree' vampire. You all are the best. I appreciate the time that you give to me and my story. I've had a few requests to make the chapter lighter. It's not as bad as the previous one but it is kinda sad. But after chapter 38, I will lighten things up a bit and we'll be going to the land of Fae.
For the past six months, I have been spending my nights in Bon Temps. Since the night her friends and family gathered around for Sookie's funeral, I have been more than determined to prove to them that she's not dead as they all say she is. She's not gone. My lover is somewhere waiting for me to save her. I know that to be true because she loves. Sookie would never leave me.
She vowed her everlasting love to me. She has always stood by her word. She's never broken a promise to me. She's an honorable and truthful woman. She wouldn't do this to me. No matter how I've stressed this to Pam and Bill, they haven't given me the peace of mind and the time that I need to think things through. If they'd only give me what I've asked of them, I will be able to piece it all together. I know that she will come home to me. I know that she's waiting for me to bring her home. I've told them there are times when I can feel her. I've heard her calling my name. I can smell her on me. If she wasn't alive, it's not at all possible for me to feel these things.
Bill told me that I needed to stop spending so much time in Bon Temps. He said that I was wasting my time. I wanted to choke the fucking life out of him but I didn't. I understood his concern but I didn't need. I didn't want it.
"Speaking as a …friend; no we've never been friends …speaking as one that has loved her, it is not going to get any better waiting for her to return." He paused for a moment and added, "I know what it's like to wait for her and she doesn't come back. Existence is unbearable without her. I have to force myself to remember the promise that I made to her. You have to keep going. I know that in time, I will forget …unlike you. In the meantime, you have to keep your mind preoccupied. The kingdom duties that you have to attend to should take care of that," he said.
If I'd been human, he would've tried to glamor me. His eyes were piercing and they were filled with determination. In time he may forget all about her but I will not. I will not live my life pretending as if I never knew her.
"If you intend to keep your promise to her, you need to do all that you can to see it through. You can't sit and dwell upon what you cannot change. Now, may I sit?" He sat down without waiting for an answer and placed a briefcase on the desk. He opened it and placed two folders upon my desk before he began to speak. "I have the information that you requested for the territories. There are a few issues that we need to discuss as ..."
I didn't want to hear it. "They can wait," I said. The glare and the tone that I'd bestowed upon him at that moment was more than enough to let him know that the conversation was over.
He methodically placed the folders back into the case and closed it. He stood and bowed to me. "When you are ready, I will be waiting for your call." He left without looking back.
I knew what he was trying to do but I didn't want to hear it and I didn't need it. I didn't want it. I want to wallow alone in myself pity and pain. I just wanted to be left alone so that I could grieve in peace. They just wouldn't let me.
Pam and Bill have been concerned about me since the night of the funeral. Bill and the others told Pam of my reaction to seeing Sookie in the gold and pink box … the coffin. Pam is afraid that I've gone mad and 'will meet your end with my irrationalities'; her exact words.
"Your problem is that you won't accept reality and the reality is that she's gone. You need to deal with that." She looked me square in my eyes and waited.
I know what she was waiting on. She wanted me to punish her. She wanted me to make her feel something. She wanted the pain of losing Sookie to be replaced with something else. That is something that I would not do. I know why she's doing it and I understand her concern. Though she'll never admit it, she loves me.
She never leaves me alone. She's usually watching me or either she has someone following me. I've pretended not to notice but Thalia is usually in the woods across from Sookie's farmhouse watching me. Maxwell Lee is usually standing out in the clearing of her woods, peering through the trees. Indira, she doesn't hide. She comes out of the woods and sits under the big oak tree and she watches. Pam sends the others because she won't return to Bon Temps. She says that it's because she has always hated that 'rinky dink' town.
"Too much dirt and dust," she'd say. "I've ruined at least ten pairs of heels on those rocky and crater filled roads. It's never really been worth the travel if you want to know the truth."
Another problem Pam has with me is that I've spent a total of two hours at Fangtasia since Sookie was taken. I stay long enough to make an appearance and then I leave. The vermin are of no use to me. They can't keep my mind off of Sookie. They only remind me of the stories I would tell her about them. They only remind me of the untold jokes. They only remind me of how much I miss and need her. They are of no use to me. Pam disagrees.
According to her, I need to put in more time. I disagree. I feel that they're satisfied if they get a quick glance of me; so that's what I give them. As long as they can see me glide through the bar and flash a little fang, I've done my duties for the night. And once I've made that quick appearance, the natives are no longer restless. After I've winked and glared at the slack jawed women and men, I always leave by the backdoor and I take to the skies. I go to Bon Temps and I wait. I sit on the porch swing and I wait. That's my nightly routine …I sit and I wait for her.
Tonight was no different. Since the night she appeared on the porch swing with me, every night at least an hour after first dark, I return with the hopes that she will be waiting for me to take her home. I usually sit on the swing until it's almost dawn. While I sit and wait, I usually hear walking and scurrying about in the house. I know that it's her uncle. He's used to me showing up. He normally leaves me a couple of bloods on the porch before I get there. Sometimes he'll leave a little something that belonged to Sookie. On my third visit, he left me a note and a gift.
Northman,
I found these things in a box in the room that Sookie used to sleep in. She must have forgotten it when she moved out. I was thinking that these things will make it easier for you. I hope that the things in this box will make it easier for you. The handkerchief is one that she kept in her purse at all times. I believe that she would want you to have these items. Take care, Northman. She's always with you. Never despair, old friend, she is always with you.
Dermot
The handkerchief smelled of her tears. I always keep it in my pocket. The pictures; they are forever burned in my memory and in a little book by our bed. One was a picture of her as a little girl. Her hair was so blond that it was almost white. There was a daisy tucked behind her ear. She had the rosiest cherub cheeks to ever be placed on the face of a child. What stood out the most were those eyes; those big, beautiful, blue eyes. She was sitting on the front porch of the house that Jason lives in and she was eating strawberries. She was wearing a little white t-shirt and cut off shorts. The shirt used to be white. It was stained with strawberry juices and finger smudges. She was looking at the camera and smiling; those blue eyes twinkling and that smile was as bright as I'd ever seen it. I could see the joy and the life in her eyes. She had the look of a happy child. I can see that she has always had a good heart, a loving spirit and soul.
The second picture was of the woman that I fell in love with. She was lying on a towel in the front yard; dressed in a bikini and reading a book. She was waving at the person behind the camera and smiling. She was so beautiful. Every night before I go to rest, I look at those pictures. I go to sleep looking into her eyes and I wake up to those eyes.
The grumbling sounds of a motorcycle interrupted my thoughts and my waiting; Mustapha. With his helmet tucked under his arm, he walked slowly to the porch. His boot heels clicked along the newly paved driveway and up the stairs to the porch. He stood on the second stair and looked at me. He knew what I was doing. He looked at the empty spot beside me and looked away. The black satchel that was draped over his body was soon lying on the porch beside him as he took the top stair as his seat. He was facing the front yard as he inhaled the smells of the night. For a moment, we listened to the crickets, the owls, and the other sounds of the Louisiana night.
"Cool night," he finally said.
"Yes."
He leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He cleared his throat before he spoke. "If you don't mind me saying so, she loves you." He looked down at the ground before he continued on. "She has a good heart; an old soul. My granny used to say a person that tries to find good in everything and everyone has an old soul." He began to chuckle. "I've seen many beautiful women in my time but she is different. She is beautiful inside and out but I don't think she realizes it."
I don't think he realized that he was speaking of her in the present tense but I didn't mind. I wanted it. I yearned for it.
He shook his head as he repeated his earlier statement. "She doesn't realize it. She is something. She is so funny but has the singing voice of rusted fence." He shook his head as he told me about the day they went to visit our new home. I heard him mention the Dixie Chicks and her smile and his voice faded from my mind.
While he talked, I looked out into the yard. I imagined her lying out there on a summer's day in a white bikini and sunbathing. I see her rubbing the suntan lotion over her body. She lays back on her towel and smiles up at the sun. She's relaxing and enjoying her day off from Merlotte's. I imagine that she's sunning and tanning because she's coming to see me at Fangtasia that very night. She knows how much I love to smell the sun on her skin and in her hair. I can almost feel her anticipating our time together.
The memories of her walking through the doors of Fangtasia are soon in my mind. Every vampire and man is envious of me because she is mine and she only has eyes for me. She looks at no one but me. They all fade from view. When she sits with me, the smell of the sun and coconuts are almost mind numbing. I can't get enough of her. Her small hand rests gently upon mine. When she touches me, I am complete for the rest of the night. She sits with me and tells me about her day. She asks me about my night; though it has just begun. I looked forward to those times. I miss the sharing. I miss the company. I miss the love. I miss Sookie. I don't like being alone.
I don't like not having feelings.
Memories; all I have are memories. I don't want the memories. I don't want to imagine what she would do. I want her. I want us to live as husband and wife. I want to hear her laughter fill the empty house and my empty soul. I want to feel her life pounding within me. I want to feel alive again.
"I miss her," I said into the night.
Mustapha stopped talking when I said that. "I know that Eric," he said. "That's why I'm here."
As he stood, he picked up his black satchel and walked upon the porch. He draped the satchel across his body leaned his backside against the railing and folded his arms over his chest. "I never understood the relationship that you two had until the day I took her to see that house. She is crazy about you. You and her vampires were her main concern as she walked through each room. Eric can't have this or Eric can't have that. Pam and Thalia will need this over here or Maxwell Lee and Indira will want that over there. She said that my Heidi was going to love the woods. She talked of making a lighted path through those woods ...for a vampire." He chuckled again as he thought of her. "She is different."
I think he finally realized what he'd been doing.
"She was different. She even wanted to cook brunch with me and my wife. As I was driving her home, she'd planned an entire menu ...for a month. She kept telling me that she couldn't wait to meet my better half. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not with my wife anymore. I didn't want to bring her down. She was happy and it was because of you."
I waited.
He opened the satchel and took out a manila envelope. "The night of the trial she gave this to me to give to you. She wanted you to have it regardless of how the verdict turned out. She said that she knew that you would love this and no matter what happened, you were to get this. With all that has happened, it didn't seem all that important. I wanted to give it to you earlier but you …you haven't been yourself lately. I discussed it with Pam. She felt that it was best if I waited awhile to give it to you." Mustapha said, "She's worried for you."
I looked at him. "Tell me why you're here."
He nodded. "It's been awhile, so here ya go."
I slowly stood up from the swing and looked at the envelope that Mustapha was offering me. The script on the envelope was in her hand; To My Darling Eric. I wanted to take it but if I did, it meant that I was conceding to her death and I would not do that. I shoved my hands in my pockets and returned to my seat on the swing.
"I understand," Mustapha said. "I'll put it here." He placed it on the railing beside him. "You can take it with you when you go. There's no rush; open it when you get ready." He looked at me for a minute before leaving. "You'll be alright?"
"I am fine."
"Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah; you're fine. What I meant is that if you need anything, you have my number."
"I do," was my only reply. In a matter of seconds, Mustapha and his grumbling motorcycle were gone.
I sat on the porch and looked at the envelope. I didn't know what to do. I'd stand. I'd sit. I'd stand. I'd sit. I'd stand. I paced back and forth trying to decide on whether or not I should open it; if I should even touch it. I didn't know what to do. I sat back down and waited. The envelope was torture. I wanted to open it but I couldn't open it.
"If I open it, it means that you're not coming back. It means that you're gone; you're gone from me forever. I'm not ready for you to be gone." I looked up into the sky and said, "If you're gone …I can't keep that promise. I can only hope that you'd forgive me. This existence is just too much to bear. It's cruel to make me suffer so. I've always prided myself on my strength and my determination but in this, I am failing." My eyes went back to the porch railing.
I felt the porch swing shift and warmth came over me. I felt pressure on my shoulder and a gentle pressure encircle my arm. I held an unnecessary breath and closed my eyes as I waited to hear her voice.
"I'm never gone, baby."
I closed my eyes and let the bloody tears fall.
"I'm always with you. It has never been my intention to treat you cruelly. But you have to keep your promise. If you break your promise, you'll be gone. I won't know be able to find you. It'll be over. I won't be able to return to you."
Her voice, her sweet, beautiful voice; it was music to my ears. I didn't want to speak. I just wanted to enjoy her touch. We swung in silence for a few minutes. I kept my eyes closed and bathed myself in her scent. I could smell her. I could feel her …I could literally feel her inside of me. Her life was flowing through the bond. It felt just like before. She was with me. She was touching me. I could feel that she loves me. I looked to my right and there she was; as beautiful as I've ever seen her. Her hair was the color of spun gold. Her eyes were like sapphires. Her lips were full and pink. I smiled at her. For the first time in six months, I smiled.
"You have the most beautiful smile, Eric," she said as she looked up at me. "I've never seen a smile like yours." She continued to stare at me. I remembered that she looked at me in the same way the night that she …"And your eyes, I've never seen in anyone else's eyes what I see in yours."
I brushed my thumb across her face and she leaned into my hand. "You're so beautiful," I whispered.
"I could have curlers and no make-up and you'd say that I'm beautiful," she joked. She placed her head back onto my shoulder. "You can open it. If you open it, that doesn't mean that I'm leaving you. I'd never leave you. I'm yours …remember? Forever, I'm yours. I belong only to you." She held my hand and began to stroke it.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensations of Sookie. I didn't know if it was real or not but I didn't care. This time was mine. I never wanted it to end. My heart was aching. I looked at her feet and smiled. They were bare and they shone like gold. Everything about her was …was beyond beautiful. Sadness filled me at the thought of going home alone. Everything reminds me of her. I dropped my eyes to the porch and let the tears flow freely.
"I know what it means now; to be yours. It doesn't mean that I'm property. I'm a part of you …your heart, your soul, your love. I'm yours, baby."
"Oh, Sookie," I moaned.
"I can feel your sorrow, baby. I don't like to see you like this." Her 'voice' began to quiver. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't know that I would have to die." I felt a tear fall onto my hand. "I never wanted to leave you." Again and almost to herself, she said, "I didn't realize that I would have to die."
"I miss you, lover," I said. "Why did you leave me?"
"Oh baby," she said. Her warm fingertips lifted my face to hers. She leaned in and kissed me. She kissed and licked the tears from my face. She kissed my eyelids, the tip of my nose. She softly kissed my lips. "I'm always with you, baby. You'll feel me. You may not always see me but you'll feel me." She kissed me again before she returned her head to my shoulder. For the next few hours, I held her hand and I was home. We didn't need to talk. I was finally at peace. I sighed because I was finally at peace.
"Eric, baby," she said.
I looked down at her. "Yes, my lover."
"It's almost dawn."
I hesitated to move. It couldn't be. We had just sat down only seconds and now I have to go? "I want to be with you."
"You promised me," she said firmly; never removing her head from her shoulder. She repeated, "It's almost dawn."
"Don't go," I said.
"I'm never gone. I love you, Eric." She lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "Now, you go on."
I walked to the edge of the porch and stopped. I reached for the manila envelope before I walked down the stairs. I wanted to turn around to see if she was still there but I was afraid that she was gone. But when I turned around, her arms were wrapped around the white column and her head was rested against it. Her hair and white dress were blowing in the non-existent wind. I closed my eyes as her scent filled my nostrils.
When I looked at her once more, she was smiling at me and waving. "I love you," I said as I watched her.
"I know." I could feel her watching me. I could feel her inside me and I relished that moment.
"Eric," she called.
"Yes, my lover," I said as I turned to face her.
"You have the power," she said.
I shook my head and chuckled. I used to, I thought to myself. "I love you, Sookie."
I watched her as she returned to her seat on the swing. "I love you Eric. I'll be waiting. Remember baby, you have to power."
I watched her as she faded from view and the swing gently rocked back and forth. For the time being, I've decided to exist for another day.