PORT ROYEAUX: A LETTER
I woke up and rolled over into a man's strong back. "Alistair…?" I asked groggily. I rubbed my throbbing forehead. Was I waking up from a nightmare? Then, I realized that Alistair didn't have that much hair on his back. I lurched out of a hard pallet, wondering where I was. The floor seemed to be moving…had I booked passage on a ship back to Ferelden already? I couldn't remember having done so, but I couldn't remember much from after I left Enrique's, least of all how I had met the strange, black-haired men with whom I had apparently spent the night. Maker, I felt horrible.
I threw up into a chamber pot that was near the bed and sat down on the floor. Not much had come out of my stomach; I must not eaten very much last night. I had not felt like eating, I remembered. I must have sought oblivion in wine, but now that was wearing off, leaving me feeling as sick to my stomach as I was sick to my soul.
After emptying my guts, I felt a little better. I found some elfroot in my pack and chewed on it. I lacked the energy to make a proper poultice, but it would ease my headache somewhat and help to settle my stomach. In time, the floor seemed to stabilize and I realized I was not at sea. I pulled myself to my feet, opened the shutters and looked out over the docks. I must have wound up in one of the dives down by the harbor. Well, at least I wouldn't have to go far to find passage out of Val Royeaux. There was no reason for me to stay here, now.
Not that there was much reason to return to Ferelden, either. If it hadn't been for Alistair, I would have left the wardens long ago. What I really wanted to do was pursue him, as I had when he left Amaranthine, but this time, I didn't think there was any point. At least if I went back, he would know where to find me, if he changed his mind.
Not bothering to say goodbye to the sleeping sailor, or whoever he was, I put on my travel gear, grabbed my things and dragged myself down to the inn's common room. I sat down heavily by the bar, and a serving wench brought me some coarse, crusty bread and a tisane. She arched an eyebrow slightly at the latter request, "A rough night?" I couldn't even muster a smile in response, and merely grunted.
After I had finished, I found a quill and some vellum in my pack and began to write a letter. If I sent it with a ship, it would probably arrive in Weisshaupt long before he did. Perhaps it was pointless. For a man plagued by self-doubt, Alistair was nevertheless capable of swift and decisive action. But I had to try.
Val Royeaux, Justinian 5
Alistair,
My dearest love.
I hope that your journey to Weisshaupt went well. I cannot tell you how much I wish I was there with you, and I pray that you are treated with the courtesy and respect you deserve. I have sent a letter that should explain everything to the First, and absolve you of any blame.
I have been thinking about what you said. Maybe it's true. Maybe I have no honor. Maybe I'm selfish and unscrupulous and undeserving of your love. It may be that the way that I fight is emblematic of my approach to everything in life. I can't even say that my betrayal of Leliana was the first time I had broken a promise to someone who helped me. Ask Anora about that. Or Morrigan, for I did not slay her mother as she wished. I misread the stakes and made a horrible mistake.
Maybe you really didn't know me. I was always afraid that if you saw me as less than heroic that you wouldn't love me. That was why I concealed what I had done with Morrigan for so long, why I didn't tell you how I had gained Celene's assistance. I guess I abused your trust, just as I abused Leliana's. Every time I've deceived you or hid things from you it was out of fear of your disapproval. Was that the only way? Did I win your love falsely?
Perhaps it's true that the man you fell in love with was an illusion. But the man who loves you is real, and would do anything, try to be anything, to win you back, if you'll only give me another chance.
I will return to Amaranthine, though the prospect of commanding the Wardens without you by my side is a bitter one. But I know that you would want me to do that, and so, I will, though I truly don't know how I will be able to do it without you. I don't know if you ever really understood how much I depend on your faith in me. I have always relied on you to give me strength and purpose. But I will go back there and wait and hope for your safe return. The hope that you might change your mind will have to be reason enough to keep me going.
I love you. I need you. Please come home.
With all my love, always,
Aedan
I closed the letter, dripped some candle wax onto the seam, and pressed my warden commander ring into it. After that, I paid my bill, strapped my pack onto my back, and went to the harbor to seek passage to Ferelden.
I found a ship that was leaving for Highever that day and the captain agreed to take me there. Perhaps I would keep my promise of a proper visit to my brother, after all. Maybe putting more effort toward keeping promises would help win Alistair back, and in any case I was in no hurry to go back to Amaranthine. Although I suspected Fergus would find me dreary company now…
After we had set sail, I stood on the stern of the ship, watching Val Royeaux recede into the distance. Somewhere beyond the city, my golden warden rode away to the north, every instant taking him farther away from me.
I pulled the gilded rose Alistair had given me six years ago out of its pouch and held it over the rolling waters. I admired the way it gleamed in the sunlight. It was a beautiful, precious and fragile thing. I needed only to open my hand and it would have fallen into the depths and been lost forever, like the beautiful, precious, and fragile thing it had represented.
I closed my hand tightly and returned the rose to its pouch. I was not ready to let go. Surely, he would come back. He had to come back.
THE END
Well, maybe not quite...I have one last story plotted out in my head that would be titled "Alistair's Journey" if I retain enough creative energy to get it done. Thank you for reading to the end.