Believe Again

Penelope Garcia was exhausted. If there was a way for her feet to hurt all the way up to her shoulders, then she was definitely yearning to just take a hot bath and sleep for a couple of days.

Kicking off her shoes, she pattered across the wood floor to the kitchen. While one hand reached for the hot cocoa, the other grabbed the large coffee mug. It was definitely going to be a two cup night.

Just as she shoved the cup in the microwave, the doorbell rang. "Ah, hell," she muttered. "Who could that be right now?" She closed the door and set the timer. The bell rang again. "Coming!" she shouted and ran across the short space.

Peeking to see who was calling on her, she gasped to see Derek. Quickly, she undid the numerous locks and chains.

"Why Derek Morgan." she purred. "What brings you to my super, secret, off limits after hours lair?"

"Do I need a reason to see my angel?" he returned smoothly.

"No. Come in before I embarrass you in the hallway."

"You always did like an audience." He closed the door and locked it, then gave an appreciative sniff. "Is that chocolate I smell?"

"Oh," she smiled, "you are good! I was just heating the water. Want a cup?"

"Sure." Derek sat down on the overstuffed couch. "I see you still have this junkyard special."

"I love it," she retorted from the kitchen. A couple of minutes later she appeared with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. "Here you go. Watch out, it's hot," she cautioned and sat down beside him.

"Mmmm, this is good," he sipped cautiously.

"What's on TV tonight?" she wondered with half interest. Her mind was on the moment and not a show. Derek was in her apartment for a reason and she was going to find out why.

"I don't want to watch TV."

"You would rather watch me?" she teased.

"Not the way you think." He set the mug down on the coffee table. "I told you a few weeks ago that we needed to talk. Enough time has passed and I think I need to find out what's been bothering you."

"I'm okay," she murmured and pulled back when Derek laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"You pulled back," he observed. "You never did that before."

"It's been a long day," she excused. "I was hoping to take a bath and go to bed early."

"The bath can wait, Mama. We need to talk."

"Derek, if you really love me the way you say you do, then you will drop this. Please," she pleaded.

"It's because I love you that I can't drop this." He watched her facial expressions and half expected her to bolt from the couch. "Do you want me to turn off the light? Would that make it easier?" he asked softly.

"Sure…I guess."

Derek turned off the lamp and settled in. "That's better."

"I guess," she repeated.

"I think you know that I've noticed the change in you since JJ's assault. And as good as you are at trying to hide it, you keep putting little things out there. I've let you have your space, but you can't keep hiding behind that wall you put up." He paused thoughtfully. "Who hurt you?"

Pen was thankful for the darkness so Derek couldn't see the look of shock on her face. "What makes you ask that?" she replied as casually as the tremble in her voice would allow.

"Penelope Ingrid Norris Garcia, I know you too well. And I know when something is eating you up inside."

"I'm worried over JJ; I get like that."

"You get possessive," he corrected. "You don't get defensive."

"I had a moment of weakness."

"You nearly tore Will's head off at the hospital that first night. And I know you've spent hours crying. Sympathy is one thing, but…either you are getting in too deep with this," he said. "Or you've been there."

"Derek…" she protested softly.

"I know how you feel…just like you know how JJ feels. We agreed that there would never be secrets between us after Chicago. And you know my deepest darkest secret, now it's time to hear yours."

"You're going to hate me," she whispered hoarsely.

"I could never hate you, Penelope. And something tells me that I could never hate you as much as that little part of you hates yourself."

The minutes passed slowly. Neither one pushed the other.

"It happened when I was nineteen," Pen's voice trembled. "I had run away from home after my parents were killed. The house was sold, and I had just graduated, and there was no reason to hang around. Guillermo made it clear that I was no longer part of the family, I should, in his words: Pack my shit and get out of their lives because I was no longer wanted." She blinked back the tears. "So, I did."

Derek held his breath because he knew more was coming.

"I took the money and ran…just like the song. I filled Esther with what I couldn't live without, and I ran like my life depended on it. I eventually made it out to San Francisco. I loved the song and thought it would be a great place to start over…you know 'flowers in you hair and peace and love' and all that garbage. But life is hard when you're young without direction…and it's harder when you only have a high school diploma with average grades. Doesn't help you secure that great job in a high rise with tons of great pay," she joked sardonically.

"Where did you live?" Derek asked.

"I got an apartment with the money, but eventually it ran out and my part time job couldn't support me and rent and food…" She closed her eyes as the memory came back. "Derek, don't make me do this."

"Keep going, Pen; you need to get this off your chest," he encouraged.

"I…" The tears began to fall. "I had met a couple of girls at work who needed a place to stay, and I had the room, so I offered to let them move in with me. We liked to drink on the weekends - and you know what a party town Frisco can be - you know that profiler instinct you have that drives me crazy…I wish I had had that then.

"Maggie - my best friend - had a boyfriend - Charles - who would come over when she wasn't home. I thought it was to play her PS2, so I could ignore him at first. Then I found myself listening to him talk about his problems at home and with Maggie, and I sympathized."

"He was feeling you out and trying how to get past your wall."

"I know that now," she sobbed.

"What happened, Pen?"

"He came over one night and needed a place to crash, so I let him have the couch. Maggie and Ruth were working, and he sometimes stayed, so I didn't think anything of it. And my door was closed." Pen closed her eyes as the memory washed over her. She could still see his face in the moonlight as he shoved his tongue in her mouth and ripped at her clothes.

"I felt something cool on my skin and wondered if I had fallen asleep with the window open. When I went to reach for the blanket, it wasn't on the bed. He had taken my pajama bottoms off and was…" She took a deep breath. "…he was over me - naked - his hands were touching me. I tried to push him off, but he was too heavy. I tried to scream, but he clamped a hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet. I tried to kick him but either he was too drunk to feel it, or I was too surprised to put up a defense.

"He told me that he knew that I wanted it because of the looks I had been giving him. He was pushing against me even when I pulled back. He forced my legs open and then he…he raped me," she finished. Heart wrenching sobs filled the room as Pen finally gave into her grief.

Derek sat in shock as he absorbed her story. He had presumed that something had happened to her, but he had never imagined anything so brutal. The protector in him wanted to run out of the door and hunt down the bastard who had hurt his baby girl. He had a first name and he had an address - it would take time, but he could locate him and beat the shit out of him.

But the sensible part knew that he couldn't change what had happened and now he had to be strong for the woman he loved more than life itself. He couldn't let emotion get the better of him.

"What did you do?" Derek asked slowly.

"I told him that I was going to tell Maggie. He just laughed," she sniffled back the tears, "and told me that Maggie would never believe a lying slut like me. Plus everyone knew that I had a flirtatious nature, so…who was to say that I hadn't led him on?"

"That's not true…" Derek protested.

She shook her head. "I was different then; you didn't know me."

"I know that no matter what you do and say, you would never deliberately lead someone on. You didn't deserve what he did to you." He reached over and brushed the tears from her cheeks.

"I know that now."

"So, what did you do? Did you tell Maggie?" he wondered.

"I tried, but I couldn't. I tried to avoid him the best I could, but he still spent the night when she was there. One night he came into my room when she was asleep and tried to…I kneed him and told him that if he touched me again, I would kill him. The next day when everyone was gone, I packed my stuff and left…everything. Then I took a couple of courses at the night college and taught myself code." She tried to force a smile. "And the rest is history."

"What happened to…Charles?" Derek's fists clenched and unclenched at the mention of the name.

"He's dead. Drug overdose or something. I knew he had a problem…" She forced a short laugh before continuing, "I had this dream of tracking him down and confronting him now that I worked for the FBI. But…fate had something else in store for him."

"He got off too easy," Derek growled.

"He got what he deserved."

"Did you ever tell anyone?"

She shook her head in denial. "No. I read some books and then I volunteered at the local rape crisis center. That helped me a lot. It got me to you."

"Still…"

"You know as well as I do, Sugar, that sometimes channeling our anger and grief is the best thing we can do. You became a police officer and then a profiler; I became a hacker and FBI tech analyst. It worked out."

Derek nodded at her logic. "At least now I know why you were ready to kill Will." He cupped her cheek. "I'm sure that if we hadn't been there, you would have."

"I don't know. I'm not sure the idea had crossed my mind; I was too angry to think."

"But you're thinking now, and I know you'll be there for JJ."

"I don't want to fail her."

"You won't. You love her and you'll be there for her - just as she was there for you when the chips were down. That's what family does," he soothed.

"I know."

"Come here." He pulled her into the comforting, protective embrace of his arms. He pressed a kiss to her hair and breathed in her delicate scent.

She held on to him. "You don't hate me?" she worried.

"I could never hate you, Pen; I love you."

"Don't let me go."

"Never."

Feeling his arms tighten around her, Pen closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. She had survived and was loved, despite everything. Now she had to wish the same for JJ.

A/N: Until further notice, this story, and all others, are on hiatus. Thank you.