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Fun fact: There are actually three parts to this series, all of them named after Breaking Benjamin songs (Dance with the Devil; Here We Are; Until the End.) The entire series is also called Until the End.
I gulped as I sat on the bed, watching with wide eyes as Sam and Ruby crawled around on their hands and knees, drawing the intricate design with careful measurements. They're using everything short of a protractor and ruler, and may I take this moment to point out that the motel staff will officially hate us.
Phantom lay next to me on the bed, his face cushioned comfortably between his paws, and I decided to use him as a pillow for lack of anything better. Bobby was in the bathroom, making an ass load of holy water to use if need be, but I'm trying to ignore him, and that feeling that things always go wrong when there's a bathtub full of 'holy' water. Really, things just tend to go wrong in my life.
God, I'm emo. Still, though, I think I'd beat most of those boys with black eyeliner in a 'why my life sucks' contest. By a lot.
"We almost ready out there," Bobby called impatiently, and Sam nodded. The sight of Sam, his wavy brown hair bobbing innocently in time with his jerky movements, somehow brought tears to my eyes. It brought back memories of the Sam I started this trip with – he was young, and angry, and yet fun.
I gulped down a breath before standing calmly, "I need to get some air; I'll be outside." Phantom didn't budge from the bed as he watched me rush outside, my hand carefully placed over my mouth. Something just seemed so wrong about this – about willfully calling a demon to us, about risking Sam and Bobby's life. I didn't even know Bobby, but no one deserves to go the way that we might tonight.
It's for Dean – it's the only way, I tried to remind myself as I fell to the edge of the curb, the grayish-pink sky of twilight stretching for miles in front of me. We all know what we're doing – we'll be alright. And we'll save Dean, and then I can be on my way and everything can be alright again.
Somehow, I found this thought even more depressing. I rolled my eyes at myself, the tears blurring the dark horizon and mixing it with the grayness of the sky as the door behind me opened. Great, a heart-to-heart, or an awkward moment of Bobby stuttering. One of the two.
Sam sat down next to me without a word, but a month of spending time with him almost exclusively had taught me the art of Sam's individual body language. His long legs bunched up to his chest, almost a complete mimic of mine, and his hands were knotted and resting on his knees. Nervousness, and yet resigned. A look at Sam's face gave that inevitable impression of every Hunter and Slayer; that we've seen too much in too little time, and our brain is still processing what we learned about last Friday, trying to make sense out of everything we thought was a lie.
"You nervous," Sam finally questioned, and I nearly started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the question; was I nervous? Was I blond? Was I scared? Did I want to cry? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But was I going to let any of that show? Well, I can't help being blond, but the rest of that is a firm no.
I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, "Not really. I figure if he targets anyone first it's Ruby, and by the time he's got her we're either out of the county or we're in the middle of sending him back to Hell. Dean or no Dean, I'm not letting him kill you too, Sam. You didn't do any of this; he did."
There was a prolonged silence, filled only by the faint sounds of Ruby and Bobby conferring and the occasional hiss of the spray-paint can. "I love him, you know," Sam finally spit out, his elbows falling until his arms were almost a straight line from his mouth to the pavement, "He's my brother. He did this to save me. I've got to do this for him. Even if he doesn't want me to. He's more important than anything else to me."
I nodded, looking away and wishing I had such a sappy motive; then I could at least later blame the stupidity of my heart, and not some flaw in my logic, when we were all dead and this motel was blown to rubble. I closed my eyes, trying to block the mental picture of the four of us, our bodies mangled in the debris. I could feel the beginning of tears once again trying to force their way out of my ducts, but I pushed them back down and looked at Sam instead.
Sam was unabashed – what else did I expect from him? Tears ran down his face openly, and I automatically leaned over to hug him. It was almost necessary, but the memories it brought back for me were painful. What a different situation, indeed, when Dean cradled me on the bathroom floor as I sobbed into his chest, and then the night he told me about the deal. I wished a little that he was here with me, now, to tell me that it was going to be alright and to tell Sam that he was doing the right thing, even if none of us knew whether or not it was.
The door opened behind us, and my throat went dry as I turned to see Bobby ruining the closest thing Sam and I had ever come to actually comforting each other, the closest thing either of us had come to comfort in the last month, probably longer for Sam.
"We're ready for you in here whenever you are," Bobby offered, looking between me and Sam in a way that screamed CONFUSED!
Sam looked at me, wiping at his eyes hastily, "You alright to come back in?"
I shook my head, turning back towards the entrancing twilight, "No-" I heard the door squeak as Phantom shoved his way passed Bobby, letting his head fall quietly into my lap. "-I just need to think a few things out. Go over the ritual – make sure you've got it down pat. We don't have time for screw-ups."
"I still can't believe we've resorted to this," Bobby muttered as Sam ignored him, the door closing quietly behind the two of them.
To be honest, I couldn't believe it either – three months ago my biggest worry was whether or not Landon and I would find a way to get back together eventually. Now I'm involved in a border-line epic struggle, ignoring what few morals the school insisted upon. And for what? Dean.
His name left a light tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers, like they missed him or something. I remembered vividly the last time I'd ran my fingers along his neck, through his hair. A month ago, or maybe a little less. Hell, maybe more - time stopped having meaning when I woke up once to realize I'd been reading for three days without a nap, until that moment when I woke up and realized I'd slept for an entire twenty-six hours. Once that happened, the only time that mattered was the countdown; twenty hours to go.
I gulped passed that block in my throat again, and my vision blurred more intensely. I sniffed – twenty hours. All this had come down to twenty hours and most-likely everyone's untimely death. I know, I'm a real cheery person, but can we all just look at the facts objectively? A powerful demon who doesn't want to be found plus us plus a deal with a tiny footnote that if Dean tries to get out of it, Sam dies. And we're expecting to all be alive at the end of this?
At that moment, Ruby chose to lean out and grimace at me, "Hey, Princess, we're kind of on a schedule here. We need you for this whole shebang."
I nodded and stood to go in, even if all I wanted to do was curl up into a little ball and fall asleep. "No; if you sleep you'll get depressed. You need to bounce back from this, Carden." His words hit me painfully, and as Ruby let the doors close two small tears escaped rebelliously, taunting me the whole way down my cheeks and sticking desperately to the tip of my chin.
I looked down at my hand, where James' ring was loosely shoved onto my thumb. I couldn't take it off – it was like my final link to my old life, the one where all I did was take orders from the school and count the days to my twenty-fifth birthday. Back when Hunters were mindless idiots who thought they could take care of my destiny, not actual people who had lives and needed saving just like I did every now and then. And James was alive, and Landon loved me. It was all easier then; then, I could deal with things.
And to think – I could've been in Italy this entire time, getting tan and, well... you know, I'm still not quite sure what I was supposed to do in Italy with Landon; I just knew we were going and I didn't care much passed that.
A light breeze from the area of the forest, and the jingle of Phantom's tags as he finally stood, brought me back to the present time, place, and most painful of all the present situation. Demon that wants Dean's soul. Life-threatening evil, including one taking the form of my ex-boyfriend.
The breeze shifted slightly, and for one horrifying second I thought I could smell Dean. His cologne, mixed with the almost tangible filth that he insisted on living in. It wasn't necessarily pleasant, but it was... comforting. It wrapped around me, and yet I was somehow sure that he wasn't there. He was still asleep, probably tossing and turning and completely unaware that Sam wasn't there. Sam might never be there again.
Licking his lips and yawning, Phantom shoved his head into my left hand, and I almost jumped at the sudden reminder of his presence. He then sat and looked up at me with warily hopeful eyes. That was the look I'd been hoping to see in Dean all along, the look I woke up every morning and hoped to find, even if it was buried under layers of sarcasm and anger.
I sighed, and I remembered that it was for Dean's eyes, for Dean in general that I was doing this. If it was most anyone else, I would've hit the road the minute he told me. There was no need for me to risk me life for some scumbag who thinks that just because they suddenly realized that death is horrifying, I can save them. I can't. I can't save them.
But maybe I can save Dean. Maybe the Trickster was right – maybe I can do this. And maybe if I do this, Dean will, well, he'll learn to trust, to have hope. Sam has hope; Bobby has hope; hell, even little old me has hope; we've all got faith. This job will kill you if you don't have faith.
Almost like Phantom could read my thoughts, and he approved of them, my puppy started to slowly wag his tail, his eyes warming. Apparently, faith and hope are a chain-reaction kind of thing. But what else did I expect from the dog who is probably smarter than three quarters of the population? Nothing less than the perceptiveness that made him a great pet and fighting companion.
Again, the breeze blew around me, wafting up my nose and weighing me down to the ground. I turned and looked, just to reaffirm that he wasn't really there, watching us. The parking lot was empty, save for a few leaves blowing across the parking lot, dead and stiff and their sounds light in the breeze that comforted me.
It's all for you, Dean, I thought to myself, hoping that the somehow knew that everything we'd done, we'd done for him.
And with that I turned, ready to face down the door. As if I needed any more memories, it was like the night after my first kiss with Dean, when I had to reward each step with a breath. I utilized the tactic, taking that final step towards the door with one long, overexagerated breath.
It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I am not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got one hundred steps to go
Tonight I'll make it ninety-nine
One more, go one more, yeah yeah
Don't stop that, go one more, yeah yeah
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yeah yeah
One more, go one more, yeah yeah
Don't stop that, go one more, yeah yeah
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yeah yeah
I have everything to lose
I'm not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy
The battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step one
I can face the ninety-nine
One more, go one more, yeah yeah
Don't stop that, go one more, yeah yeah
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yeah yeah
One more, go one more, yeah yeah
Don't stop that, go one more, yeah yeah
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yeah yeah
One more, go one more, yeah yeah
Don't stop that, go one more, yeah yeah
One more, go one more, go one more, go one more yeah yeah