Hello good people of earth! Yeah, I'm back. Bummer, huh? If you replied yes to that, I'm deeply insulted. Anyway, I know it's been a while, but I've been really, REALLY busy. I had exams at the end of June (ew), and now school's over, but I've had some very stressing things happening in my life over the past week that made me not quite cheery enough to update Aro the Arotastic. But I'm on the road to recovery, and I'm partially in a good mood today, so I figured I would grace you all with my presence before I leave for a week to go to Thunder Bay for my cousin's wedding. I'm leaving Wednesday, and I'll be back on the 16th, but I most likely won't be at a computer updating again until some time after that. But as far as summer vacation goes, this is pretty much it, so I'll probably have lots of time to write, and hopefully I'll be able to update more often. And I know I say that practically every AN, but I mean it this time.
Okay, how's this: I'm saying that I'll update more often, but given my habit of being a lazy ass who never does anything that I'm supposed to at the given time that I'm supposed to do it, the odds of me updating as often as everyone would like, or even updating on a regular basis, are about as likely as me suddenly liking Justin Bieber. (No offence to Bieber fans, but I can't stand it when he sings. I have to physically leave the room if I hear him. And when I see him on TV or something, I usually cover my eyes until he goes away. And I'm ashamed that Canada, which is a country full of goodness and talent, would choose him to show to the world and make famous. I'm rooting for Marianas Trench and Lights. Although I also think that money should become obsolete and people should just barter again…so when you put it into perspective, I'm not the best person to be taking opinions from. But Marianas Trench is AMAZING, and Lights is incredibly talented and the only pop music I will actually put on my iPod. Oh, and as far as Justin Bieber, I think that him and Dakota Fanning should find a hole somewhere in the desert and live there and never come back into the world ever ever EVER again. But mostly Dakota Fanning. I HATE her. Don't ask me for a logical reason why, because there is none. I just naturally hate her. The only movie I watch where I don't go "EWWW DAKOTA FANNING, THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES THIS MOVIE ABOUT TEN PERCENT MORE TERRIBLE" is Push, because I love that movie and I kind of like her in it. And although I object to her being Jane, because I think she's horrible in that part, she didn't completely ruin the Twilight movies.
Speaking of Twilight…WHO SAW ECLIPSE? I DID! IT WAS REALLY REALLY GOOD! I liked it. It surpassed my expectations. Yes, I admit, I caved and saw it on the release day with my friend Alex, and just like Twilight, I laughed at parts that I probably shouldn't be laughing at. Like….pretty much every time Riley came on screen I started to giggle. And he's not even funny, or funny looking…actually he's pretty attractive…but for some reason, he made me laugh. And of course I laughed at Billy Burke, because he is amazing. I am in love with that man. He makes my life. And of course, at the times when I didn't want to knock some sense into him (you should have seen me reading the book. Pretty much every time he was there, I was like "IDIOT! LOVE ME INSTEAD!" and got all agitated. His stupidity in Eclipse upsets me.), Jacob pretty much made my day. "We both know I'm hotter than you." / "I kissed Bella. ... And she broke her hand. ... Punching me in the face." LMAO, I love him. But we've already established that I'm Team Jacob, and all the Edward-lovers are whispering mean things about me now, but oh well. When he's not being a lovestruck fool, he's amazing. Up until Breaking Dawn. Then it's just ruined. But then again, Breaking Dawn ruined everything. There's a dark spot in my life that was created by reading that book. It shouldn't exist. And everyone who's wondering how they plan to top Eclipse with the Breaking Dawn movie doesn't have to wonder, because I can tell you right now it will be horrible, because Breaking Dawn was the second most horrible book I've ever read. After Hatchet, because that book was AWFUL.
THE SECRET.
THE SECRET.
THE DIVORCE.
THE SECRET.
THE MAN IN THE WHITE STATION WAGON.
Okay, so…now that I've written you a page-long author's note…I think we can get on to the story. So…on with it, then!
Disclaimer - I do not own the Twilight series, nor do I want to, because that would mean owning BD, which would make me a lesser person than I am now. I don't even own my own copies of the books. I have a Team Jacob pin…and a bookmark with Taylor Lautner on it from New Moon…and a ticket to Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse…but that pretty much sums it up for me.
Besides, who needs to own Twilight when you could own The Host? Which I don't own either. But I'm working on it. I want Ian. He's MINE. And I really want Ian Somerhalder to play him, because I think if they made him look less evil, he would be PERFECT. His name is even Ian!
Alrighty then. I will carry on.Chapter…Umm….: Fruit Cake?
Since we last left the cast of The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic, the characters of the show were tired of Aro's PMSing and have left on strike. Even the hosts of the show have left to vacation in Miami. (They were hoping to meet the cast of Jersey Shore, but quickly realized that season 2 was filmed in the winter, and it is currently July.) However, since the star of the show is still here, the show must go on. So, without further ado, here are the adventures of Aro the Alone and Arotastic.
Aro: So…I'm alone…Why on earth would they leave me alone? I'm not funny when I'm alone!
Brutus: Squawk.
Aro: BRUTUS! Wait…Alec wouldn't leave without Brutus…
Brutus: Squawk.
Aro: Oh. You're an optical illusion. That's great.
Brutus: Squawk.
Aro: What do you mean these jeans make my ass look big?
Brutus: Squawk.
Aro: Now that's a lie. No one has a bigger ass than a buffalo.
Brutus: Squawk!
Aro: Oh…I never thought of Mr. Blue…
Brutus: Squawk.
Aro: You're right. Why am I having a seemingly one-sided conversation with a porcupine?
Brutus: Squawk.
Aro: First of all, no, I'm not a lesbian. And secondly, not all lesbians have one-sided conversations with porcupines. Only the butch ones.
Brutus: Squawk.
Aro: Fine then. Leave like everyone else has!
(Brutus leaves)
Aro: Great. Now what am I supposed to do?
Voice: I know what you can do…
Aro: God? Is that you?
Voice: Close, but no.
Aro: Mom?
Voice: Nope, now you're colder.
Aro: Aunt Jemima?
Voice: Almost! It's the fruitcake.
Aro: Fruitcake? You mean like the pastry?
Fruitcake: No, like your mom.
Aro: MOM?
Fruitcake: It's called SARCASM. You should try it some time. Maybe then you'll actually be funny.
Aro: Oh, as apposed to you, the talking fruitcake that was way overplayed back in the old days. Right.
Fruitcake: Well, I'm the fruitcake. What I say is law. And I say you're not funny. So ha.
Aro: "Ha"?
Fruitcake: SHUT UP YOU NON-FUNNY LESBIAN!
Aro: Hey, you're the only "fruity" one around here…
Fruitcake: I can understand now why everyone went on strike.
Aro: Well I can understand Dutch, but that doesn't mean I just follow all the Dutch people and do whatever they do.
Fruitcake: …Okay, I have no idea what that was supposed to mean.
Aro: It means I rule the world. "So ha".
Fruitcake: You rule the world now, do you?
(Ground shakes, skies get black, the whole shebang)
Fruitcake: …shit.
Aro: What was that?
Fruitcake: Well, since I'm all powerful and that, when I say something, it happens. So now you rule the world.
Aro: …No shit?
Fruitcake: No shit, dude. Your ass owns earth.
Aro: So after all these years, all I actually had to do to rule the world was make a sarcastic joke to you?
Fruitcake: Well…umm, yes.
Aro: HOLY OBAMA'S LEFT TESTICLE.
Fruitcake: Umm…I haven't heard that one…
Aro: I hate you. As ruler of the world, I officially banish you to the Mojave desert.
Fruitcake: But-
(Fruitcake is poofed away)
Aro: Well, I rule the world. What do I do now?
(Meanwhile, somewhere cold…)
Penguin: It's colder than Michael Jackson's left armpit up in here.
Leopard Seal: It smells pretty much the same too.
Penguin: I smell bacon…
Leopard Seal: Oh, Leonard's here.
Leonard the Leopleurodon: What have I missed?
Penguin: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Leopard Seal: Yeah, you said you were just going out for a snack, and then World War II happened, and we haven't seen you since!
Leonard: Sorry, guys. It turns out they don't have bacon in Antarctica…or South America…I had to walk all the way to North America to get some.
Penguin: It took you over 60 years to walk to North America?
Leonard: I met some friendly Mexicans. We ate some tacos.
Leopard Seal: And…?
Leonard: I ate a three dollar burrito. I had to poop. REALLY bad.
Penguin: Ahhh…
(And at Sesame Street…)
One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong…
Aro: Oooh! I know what doesn't belong! Timmy. Because he's Canadian. (A/N: I can make Canadian jokes because I'm a Canadian. Americans making them is just insulting, because a lot of Americans that I know actually have never been to Canada and know nothing about it.)
Elmo: Elmo thinks Aro is a scary woman.
Aro: I AM A MAN!
Elmo: Uh-oh…Grover, Elmo thinks you might want to get girl some Midol. Dorothy, what do you think?
Dorothy: …
Elmo: You're right, Dorothy! Let's ask Mr. Noodle! Oh Mr. Noodle…Oh look! It's Mr. Noodle's twin brother Mr. Noodle!
Mr. Noodle: -waves-
Elmo: Mr. Noodle, what do you think we should do about the yelling girl on our show?
Mr. Noodle: Give me her number. -winks at Aro-
Elmo: Mr. Noodle! You can talk?
Mr. Noodle: Yeah, I can…oh, right, I'm supposed to be silent. Well…
Aro: See, I thought it would be interesting to come here, but you all just keep insulting me. I'm cancelling this show.
Director: You can't do that!
Aro: Sure I can. I rule the world, bitch!
Director: Oh, damn. That's right. You do.
Aro: Well then, kids, this is the last broadcast of Sesame Street. It started sucking when Cookie Monster became Veggie Monster, anyway.
Today's show is brought to you by the sound "DUUHHHH"
One week later, after Dora the Explorer became Aro the Explorer and then back to Dora the Explorer, the Berlin Wall was rebuilt, and cat farming was made legal, the rest of the show's cast decided to end their strike out of boredom and curiosity about what exactly Aro was doing.
Aro: …and that's what happened while you were gone.
Dimitri: …The first thing you did after you became ruler of the world was go on Sesame Street?
Aro: It's a childhood classic.
Alec: -sobs-
Aro: Alec, what's wrong?
Alec: MR. NOODLE CAN TALK! MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE!
Aro: Your life was already a lie, because you're just an OPTICAL ILLUSION…
Alec: THAT'S NOT TRUE!
Aro: I have spoken, and I rule the world, so it's true.
Alec: But I want to exist…
Aro: No.
Dimitri: So…what are you going to do now?
Aro: Well…Uh…I don't know.
(Cuts to White Room)
Jeff: And that's the end of that.
Mr. Kittywhale: Thank God.
Jeff: So…are we done?
Mr. Kittywhale: I guess. Tune in next time for more inane things.
Jeff: Like flying birds!
Mr. Kittywhale: Birds can already…you know what, sure. Flying birds.
So…what do you think?
Yeah, I know it's short, but I was trying to get it done before I leave for Thunder Bay. Which is at 6 am tomorrow, and it's 8:46 PM as I'm writing this, so…yeah.
Okay, well…if anyone wants to suggest something for Aro to do as ruler of the world, and I actually get suggestions, I might make a super chapter including my take on everything.
Yes, that is my cheap way of getting other people to come up with ideas for me :P but if we want to get to fifty chapters, then this is necessary. And I do plan on making it to fifty.
So…review? If you dare.
:O GUESS WHAT!
I dunno. I just wanted you to exert yourself thinking.
kaybye :D
- Alexa (less than three)