In case you're from New York... you might be offended by this... but I have nothing against New York but the traffic there. In fact, there actually might be a little more than New York as well...
Also, this is not the 35th story. This is the 34th story. You may think it's the 35th due to that introduction being the first thing you see in the chapters. Also I have added three new gags which are all based on the new ones they have in today's Simpsons Seasons.
Opening Title Screen Gag: Homer as a Vampire flies through the skies over Springfield. A minute later God from heaven sends down lightning that shocks Vampire Homer into dust.
Billboard Gag: Martin is Missing... No Reward, Find him Dead or Alive
Chalkboard Gag: I will not give wedgies to Bill Gates, I will not give wedgies to Bill Gates
Couch Gag: The Simpsons ran towards the couch of the house only realizing that this is not there house as it is blue and a combination of the living room and the TV room.
"Hey, Peter I came in the mail and... You're not Peter." Brian Griffin of Family Guy spoke.
"AH! Talking Dog!" Homer screamed!
Worst Fanfiction-Made Couch Gag Ever... says Comic Book Guy
34th Story Summary: Springfield's image has gone worst ever since an award-winning horror movie was filmed there causing tourism to go downhill. Later, Springfield however successfully increases tourism but this also brings New Yorkers into the town which causes trouble to the people of Springfield.
It was ordinary day in FOX Studios as directors, producers, film crews, and businessmen's were working hard as usual under the sun... but in a certain office of FOX, there came a director who stepped into the office of the President of FOX angry like most people in California.
"President of FOX! We don't have enough money to produce my film!" The Director yelled at the President of FOX.
"How is this my problem? You're the one who spend all the money for that film." The President of FOX argued back.
He was a mean old man. You know how FOX was considered boring, stupid, and wrong. It wasn't always like that. They used to be cool back then. Now there just a bunch of evil businessmen.
"Spend all the money? You gave me three hundred dollars!"
"What do you expect? California is in its own economy crisis right now."
"So! I need a place to shoot this, cheap and looks like a real town."
"What about Springfield. I heard they hate FOX so much but they'll do anything to increase their tourism because there in a crisis of their own."
"Why are they in a crisis?"
The President of FOX held a magazine towards his face that said, "Springfield... THE ROUGHEST AND BARBARIC TOWN AROUND!"
"Uh.. that's just to attract business right? They don't actually mean it... right?" The director feared for his own safety.
"What do I care? This is FOX."
"You know... you used to be cool. When's the last time we ever went out to fish in the lake together? Back then, this was probably why The Sampsons beat the Bill Cosby show (Considered the best show in history back than) back then." The Director said in a serious tone.
"I grew up and became a success. Now you work under me! And me only!" He yelled.
"The president of DreamWorks has some good times still..." The director mumbled.
"What was that!"
"Nothing.. nothing.. President of damn FOX... so corruptive today.. used to be friends.. humph.."
The director sat in a fancy chair in Mayor Quimby's Office as they began to have some talks.
"So that's what I want to do. I want to film my movie here. It could increase tourism and we could win a lot of money out of just a little bit. Get the deal?" The director said.
"Wait a minute? Aren't you from FOX? I heard that they used to be cool and then they later became corrupt with power. That's probably why The Sampsons became slightly popular." Mayor Quimby spoke to the director.
"Oh finally! Someone understands me. I totally hate FOX, especially that Family Dude show."
"Family Dude is just popular because kids and teenagers are watching it for the adult comedy. The Sampsons will always be America's Favorite Family." Mayor Quimby said.
"Sometimes I think that all of FOX, every show, radio, film, producer, director, scriptwriter, everyone-!- needs to go back and look at there roots... like family, old problems and solutions, and daily values."
"I know." Mayor Quimby sighed.
"Well, at least you're not corruptive with power."
"Uh.. yes.. not corruptive.."
Suddenly a super model entered the office and said, "Oh mayor.. don't you want to come to bed with me?"
"Not now.." Quimby sighed in stress. "Anyway, this will increase tourism... right?"
"Yep. You can count on it."
Several months later...
"Oh god! Tourism has went even worst! How could this be!" Mayor Quimby yelled in his office as his female secretary stood next to him.
"Maybe because that the film was a horror slashed that actually scared so many people and has just won an award for being the best horror film in years." The female secretary.
"Er... ah... In other words.. people are too scared to even come to our town!" Mayor Quimby went surprised. "But our town could go bankrupt without the money of tourists! I could lose the election next time! And the supermodels I secretly left in bed pregnant could attack me when I'm not with guards! What am I going to do!"
"You could start a town meeting at Town Hall... of course..." The Female Secretary sighed.
"Good thinking! To the mayor mobile!"
Later at the parking lot...
"That's the Mayor Mobile?" The Female Secretary looked at a rusty car with no engine at all as she stand next to Mayor Quimby.
"Actually, that's Skinner's car. That's the mayor mobile." Mayor Quimby pointed at an even more rustier grocery cart which had only three wheels and had a few dents.
Suddenly the wind went strong and blew the grocery cart in pieces.
"Your joking right?"
"Joking? Er... Ah... I don't understand that word." Mayor Quimby responded back.
It was nighttime at Town Hall and everyone from Springfield gathered at the town meeting for suggestions to increase tourism.
"Anyone! Any ideas to increase tourism! We need to help Springfield now! And we must hurry!" Mayor Quimby yelled.
"We could build the tallest ice cream sandwich!" Abe suggested.
"We could destroy building and replace them with smoke bars." Krusty suggested.
"We could make a bigger cracker factory." Mr. Van Houten suggested.
I have an idea!" Marge stood up from the crowd of citizens.
"Oh god no.. It's Marge Simpson." One citizen said.
"What's she going to say this time..." Another Citizen spoke.
"Well, um.. your ideas.. are great.. but.."
"No mom. There all horrible." Lisa interrupted.
"Well we could actually make the town look more safe and ready for business." Marge said.
"That's what we're trying to do! Now what are you saying!" Mayor Quimby said.
"Well that's just the thing. It never has been safe or ready for business before that movie was ever made. We could create more jobs."
"More Jobs? Like that can ever happen." Mr. Burns laughed.
"We could make safer theme parks."
"There's actually safe theme parks." Krusty smoked
"Lower prices on every product there is."
"Who the hell would want to do that?" Apu stood up.
"We could also show that Springfield is a great place for business through the ads of today's popular culture."
"You mean like HRD Motorcycles?" Abe suggested.
"Grandpa. That company is so old that it closed down a long time ago." Marge said. "This is what I mean. You people never tried these things. In fact, I bet you never even tried to make this place safe in the first place."
"It was during the Great Depression." Abe spoke. "What people didn't know is that pretty much everyone's money went towards Springfield by accident. Everyone had a hard time finding the town in such a time. Not even I know where it is and I'm living here!"
"Uh-huh... Anyway, we should try to do all these things that other towns and businesses are doing. This could increase tourism." Marge said.
"Well.. the chick with the unique hairdo has a point.. Anyway, All in favor for Marge's ideas that are totally strange and new to us, say I." Mayor Quimby spoke through the microphone.
Everyone began to yell out "I!" repeatedly that not even Mayor Quimby can hear his thoughts about chicks in a sun tanning salon. Though one person did say "No.". Still, It was so loud that Homer Simpson who was at the town meeting couldn't hear his thoughts about salami being cooked at a sun tanning salon, which was similar to Quimby's thoughts.
It was a beautiful morning and Homer stepped out of his house just to get his newspaper that is until he stopped and just stood there as if something was wrong.
"This smell... it smells familiar... I know this smell anywhere! New Yorkers!" Homer did his girlish screamed as suddenly a group of cars of New Yorkers started to come in on the roads of Springfield.
Some were looking for jobs, to spread there business, to live in new places, or tourism of course.
As Homer watched these New Yorkers in their fancy cars passing by he just grunted at them, not liking one bit of them. Bart stepped out of the house to see what was going on and saw people, mostly businessmen, in cars.
"What's going on?" Bart said.
"It seems your mother's ideas actually worked but I didn't expect New Yorkers to come here, Springfield's oldest enemy."
"I thought Shelbyville was your oldest enemy."
"Fine, New York is our second oldest enemy..." Homer sighed.
"Plus, I thought we were taught to be nice to each other." Bart asked.
"Hey, Texas gets to hate Arkansas and Oklahoma and you don't see anyone arguing about that, plus where the hell did you learn something like that in this neighborhood?" Homer said.
"Hi their diddly neighborinos." Ned said.
"It was you! I'll get you stupid Flanders!" Homer started to chase Ned as the old Christian started to run for his life.
Bart entered the Kwik-E-Mart seeing no one there but Apu working at the counter.
"Hello there young customer. What would you like?" Apu said.
"A squishee my good man. Make it double the flavor." Bart handed him fifteen bucks.
"Good choice there. Anyway, here you go and Please, don't come again." Apu said but something was different of what he said.
"Uh.. wait a minute.. did you said, 'don't come again'?" Bart asked.
"Uh.. yes.. these new businesses are trampling on this one. Even then, these New Yorkers are trying to take my job and will work at any salary. This is my last day working here. How am I going to pay for the apartment, the family, and the new plasma screen TV I just bought yesterday." Apu said.
"That is bad." Bart drank his squishee.
"It's not just me little boy. It's other businesses and jobs owned by Springfieldians." Apu said. "Just look at them, there even sitting on the parking lots with their families."
Bart looked through the glass doors and saw many Springfieldians Families on the parking lot because of these different people from a different location of America.
Bart left the Kwik-E-Mart seeing Milhouse on the floor as a New Yorker entered the store.
"So what kind of grub you got here bub?" The New Yorker said to Apu.
"Bub? I don't understand what you're saying? Is it English or what? Anyway, Please Go to Hell if you don't want to purchase anything." Apu said.
Meanwhile, Bart ran to Milhouse who was with his parents on the parking lot.
"Milhouse, buddy. What happened." Bart said.
"These New Yorkers took my dad's job for an cheaper salary and now that my dad has no job, he can't pay the mortgage. He tried to at least get a job as a pizza man but every New Yorker pretty much took most of the jobs. Were now homeless and living in a parking lot. Now I know how people felt about immigrants coming to America back then." Milhouse said.
"We just found an enemy worst than Shelbyvillians." Bart said. "We Springfieldians should have another town meeting about this, tonight!"
It was nighttime again and the town meeting was for Springfieldians who lived here over a month. They were outraged of what has happened in this town.
"Settle down people! Were still have an increase of money for Springfield." Mayor Quimby.
"Yeah, but those New Yorkers are receiving the money! We should kick them out!" Skinner yelled.
"Yeah." Krusty agreed. "Not only that they brought in Burger King, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Pizza Hut, and several other fast food chain restaurants that beats mine! I'm going broke now that they have to bring their studios into Krustylu studios!"
"What about us Middle-Class Men who have families to feed?" Homer yelled.
"This town has gone in an uproar. Oh please Jesus. If you give me an miracle of some sort, I will stop cheating on my wife." Mayor Quimby said.
"Jesus won't fall for that you know." Quimby's female Secretary said.
As the crowd kept on arguing, one of Quimby's guards ran to him and whispered something to his ear.
"Oh god! The New Yorkers bought all of Springfield!" Quimby yelled through a microphone. "Woops.. I shouldn't have said that should I."
"Still, we did bought Springfield." A man stood up from the crowd.
"Wait a minute... a grey fancy hat, business outfit, and a silver grey wrist watch... he's a New Yorker!" Homer yelled.
"Hold on there a minute. We're just going to help your town with a few changes. Well a few but big changes that is." The New Yorker chuckled. "Were going to just destroy your town and build Little New York. It's going to be a town version of New York where everything is business, work, and no play time at all. Maybe a few jokes and some TV during break but most of the time it's work, work, and work."
"I can't stand you New Yorkers! We Springfieldians should do what we do best! Beat the hell out of these folk!"
"Homer's right! Were not just called Roughest and Barbaric Town for nothing." Moe said as the Springfieldians formed a group.
They were about to attack the single individual New Yorker until Lisa stopped them.
"Violence isn't going to solve it! It's just going to make it worst. Weren't we taught to love and work with each other peacefully in a non-violent town?" Lisa said.
"The girl is right!" Barney said as everyone agreed.
"Wait a minute? Why would a bunch of Springfieldians would agree to that?"
"The adults you got there drank too much beer after their rage against New Yorkers, duh." The New Yorker spoke.
"Nobody asked you!"
"Still, please don't go violent against them. There American just like us aren't they? They were from the original thirteen colonies. And we still has some things in common too." Lisa said.
"You mean like TV, beer, fast food restaurants, and Weird Al music?" Homer said.
"Well... yes, but we all love the word freedom. Isn't that's what America all about?" Lisa said.
"Not me. I'm a believer in communism. I was adopted by Chinese parents." The New Yorker he interrupted.
"Seriously. You really do have to shut up." Homer still becoming angry at New Yorkers.
"Dad. Please don't form a mob to attack them. You'll make Springfield look worst if you did that."
"... Fine sweetie... I'll do it for you... and that poor cripple old man... that I crippled..." Homer sighed as he waved his eyes back and forth but he really wanted to attack New Yorkers so badly.
The Simpsons were at the table eating peacefully... but also quietly as well... None of them said a word after what happened at the town meeting. Lisa looked at the family feeling like she should say something.
"So, uh.. I hear Illinois has a Springfield of their own there. We could move there if we want..." Lisa said, but this just made things worse as the Simpsons have lived here all there life.
Marge stood up from the table and left the dining room as everyone watched her.
"I can't take it anymore. There's got to be something we have to do..." Bart yelled.
Meanwhile, Marge was walking in the living room remembering how it all began and how it all continued.
"That's where Bart threw up for the first time." Marge looked at the floors
Marge than looked at the clean walls.
"That's where Lisa wrote her ABC's on the wall. She was so little. Took so much paint after that." Marge spoke once again.
She than looked at the chimney with a bullet hole in one of the bricks.
"That's where Maggie figured out how a gun works right after she shot Mr. Burns." Marge sighed.
"Is something wrong honey?" Homer entered the living room.
"I.. I don't know.." Marge looked at the floor.
"Your eyes are leaking." Homer looked at Marge who had a few tears dropping out of her eyes
"Oh.. what are we going to do?" Marge cried.
Homer didn't want to see Marge cry, in fact he didn't want to see the whole family.. no.. the whole town in sadness and tears but more importantly his family. Homer stood up with a serious expression on his face and spoke.
"You know Marge! For once! I'm not actually going to think about monkeys fighting each other! I'm thinking serious for the first time!" Homer yelled. "Marge. I want you to gather everyone in Springfield. I just had an idea."
The New Yorkers were in construction vehicles as morning rose ready to wreck Springfield from the face of the Earth, but there was a problem when they arrived.
"What's going on here?" The leader of The New York Community asked.
"What the hell are they still doing here?" A New Yorker said as they saw the whole population of Springfield in front of them blocking the roads.
"We won't let you destroy our town!" Homer yelled through a megaphone.
"Just run them over." The leader said.
"Uh.. sir.. as long as this town is filled with a large amount of people, we can't do anything.. they have to leave this place and running them down is murder. They can sue us to if they even survive." A New Yorker said to him.
"Dang it... What are we going to do and.. wait a minute.. why do some of them look like there in pain and gripping their stomachs tightly." The leader asked.
One of the New Yorkers grabbed some binoculars to see what was going on.
"It appears there starving... We New Yorkers who took their job must've affected there starvation as well as they don't have the money to buy food... hey there's also a cute Leprechaun with a... Molotov Cocktail!"
The leprechaun threw his Molotov Cocktail at the dump truck as the New Yorkers began to jump out of the vehicle. A minute later, the truck exploded.
"Stupid Springfieldians! But still... this gives me an idea... ever heard of Mad Pig Disease?"
"I thought it was called Mad Cow Disease."
"Actually there two very different things. Let's show how friendly we are..." The leader smiled with a devious plan to his sleeve.
The next day in the morning, Lisa woke up but she was starving as she couldn't buy any food from the stores and most of the organic food is outside of Springfield, but she notice that no one else was starving as they were eating meat.
"Oh.. it may be meat but do they have to eat it in front of me?" Lisa thought. "Wait a minute? Where did they got this meat?"
"Hey my little girl. Are you doing alright?" Homer stood in front of her.
"What? No! I'm a vegetarian and I can't eat any of this." Lisa said.
"Whatever. I'm eating all the pork, hotdogs, and ham around here. Looks like those New Yorkers aren't so bad after all." Homer smiled.
"Wait? Doesn't this seem suspicious." Lisa asked.
"What do you mean sis." Bart entered the conversation.
"Besides the fact that the New Yorkers hand food to us, all the food is not only meat but meat made from pigs. I don't see anything here made of buffalo, chicken, or cow." Lisa said. "What could they be up to?"
"Who cares. Were saved from starvation and... Oh right..." Homer looked at an angry Lisa who was starving as she needs vegetables and fruit or at least sweets.
It was another normal day as Lisa woke up again, however it only looked normal at first sight. She looked again and saw every Springfieldians around her sick and on the ground in pain.
"What happened now?" Lisa said as she ran to her family.
"Can't feel bladder..." Homer wetted his pants.
"This must've been the meat. There must been some kind of disease... maybe it's..."
"It's Mad Pig Disease." Grandpa Abe Simpson said in pain as he was on the ground.
"Grandpa! How do you know this?" Lisa said.
"I had this before." Abe answered.
"But this disease has no cure."
"Oh yes it does or I wouldn't be here... meet Old Long John... who lives in Shelbyville... Tell him that I sent you and that I said, 'Go Suck on a lemon.'. He has the cure and hurry. This disease can bring death. AH! I see him right now!" Abe screamed.
"Grandpa. That's a rabbit." Lisa sighed.
"AH! Death!" Abe yelled again.
"That's just me Grandpa."
"Oh my god! My granddaughter is Death! Get away from me!"
Lisa just sighed and roll her eyes around.
Lisa was walking through the suburbs of Shelbyville looking for the address. It took some time and she was still starving from hunger but she finally made it to the correct house. It was brown and made of logs as well. She went towards the door of the house and knocked on it. The door opened revealing an Native American.
"Old Long John is the name. Do you have any business with me?" Old Long John the Native American spoke.
"Go Suck on a lemon." Lisa just stared at him.
"Abe sent you? Didn't he?" He asked.
"How do you know?"
"Every month he sends me some kid who tells me this crap. Anyway, what did Abe do now? Did he ran over someone again?"
"What? No. He would never do that... after the last three months..." Lisa had a fake chuckled. "But I did came here for a reason. I'm Lisa Simpson, the granddaughter of Abe Simpson. He sent me here because he told me that you have a cure to Mad Pig Disease."
"Let me guess. New Yorker Problem?" Old Long John said.
"Yeah.. are you psychic?"
"What? Heck no. We just had a New Yorker problem here a few days ago. There really annoying you know but come in, come in." Old Long John said.
Several hours later, Old Long John had a stone cup of the cure he made. It was liquid and brown too.
"Is the cure an old ancient Indian remedy?" Lisa asked staring at the stone cup filled with the liquid cure.
"What? Hell no. That's a just bunch of lies and trickery. The cure is made up of Buzz Cola, Duff, some coffee, and a few pills to it."
"What about the children. They aren't allow to drink alcohol."
"Look. Do you want them to be sick and die or do you want them to be drunk and alive?"
"Well, drunk and alive but can the pills work in water?" Lisa asked.
"Uh.. what is this water you asked?" Old Long John asked as he did not knew what water is. Perhaps he knows what it is but not in English.
Meanwhile at the old abandon factory where all the New Yorkers are staying for their plans to take over Springfield completely.
"This is going well... soon there will be no Springfieldians left and it will soon be ours." The Leader of the New York Community spoke with an evil laugh through his sinister mouth.
"Um... we have a problem.." A New Yorker said.
"What is it?"
"Come look outside of the factory.
A group of New Yorkers decided to see what's going on outside, and so they did. What they saw was not a part of their plan at all. They saw hundreds of New Yorkers sick.
"What is this?" The Leader said.
"Some jackass New Yorker accidently dumped the infected meat into the healthy meat. Now our own kind is.. well.. infected.." One of The New Yorkers spoke.
"But.. but what will we eat?"
"What about fruit?" A New Yorker asked.
Suddenly everyone pulled pistols at him as they don't liked fruit. That one New Yorker who suggested that swallowed his throat and was sweating nervousl due to the pistols that pointed at him...
Springfield looked like it was near it's doom as every Springfieldian was sick and near death. Could they survive the disease or will they end up like road killed meat?... Mmm... Road Kill...
"Oh.. where's Lisa with that cure?" Abe said next to the sick family who were all on the sidewalks.
"I'm here!" A voice was heard.
"Lisa! Is that you! Where are you!" Abe said.
"I'm right in front of you Grandpa." Lisa spoke in front of the old man.
"AH! Death!" Abe said.
"Uh.. yes.. anyway, 'Go suck up to your mother, you old time fool.'." Lisa said to Grandpa.
"That sounds like Old Long John alright. You must've got the cure." Abe said.
"Yep. Special Pills and water."
"Uh.. what's water?"
"Just take the pills Grandpa..."
"Sir! Sir! I have news!" A Female New Yorker ran to The Leader of the New York Community as he was continuing his plans in the factory.
"What is it?" The Leader said.
"There is a cure to this disease and the Springfieldians have it."
"Ask what they want for this cure."
"They already did. The town is what they want." She responded back.
"The town? Risk the construction of Little New York? No way!" The Leader selfishly gave his response.
"But the community is dying. We need the cure right now! Even the dumb moron who caused this has the disease."
"Actually I have malaria." The dumb New Yorker came up to the two. "Wait a minute.. that's much worst.."
"No, no, NO! I'm not going to give up this town to those lousy rednecks, you got that! Now you can just forget about it and.. what the?" The Leader looked towards his wife.
She was coughing and was in pain as she slowly walked to her husband.
"What happened to you?" The Leader asked.
"I don't 'COUGH! COUGH!'... know. I just took a bite out of some pork and the next thing I'm.. "COUGH! COUGH!" sick..." His Wife spoke.
"Dang it.. Does it really have to come to this?" The leader sighed in stress and frustration. "Fine... Call them for negotiations for the cure and the town... Little New York would probably turn into a city very quickly anyway."
Homer and The Leader of The New York Community sat at a table with several Springfieldians and New Yorkers.
"So that's the deal than? The town, a big fat check once an year, and we have to spoil Shelbyville's resources." The Leader said as he signed a contract.
"Yep, and an infected piece of ham too." Homer said.
"What? Why would you want that disease again?" The Leader said.
"Hey, they actually taste better and we have a cure now."
"What's wrong with your father?" The Leader asked Bart.
"No one knows." Bart gave his opinion.
The Leader of the New York Community turned his head back to Homer as he finished signing the deal.
"Well, I guess we should be going now."
"Yep, you know. I kind of thought about what Lisa said in the past days. Were all Americans. Sure, every kid in a Los Angeles school carries guns whether there a Jock or Nerd, sure everyone sues everyone in Washington, and sure Alaska makes fun of everyone for having some great resources, but were all American. What we really should do is ban immigrants from other countries!"
"Dad!" Lisa yelled at him.
"Okay, we won't ban immigrants... I guess will all have to live in peace together." Homer said
Several months later at another town meeting.
"Favor for the new law to give tourists and businessmen from other countries or states of the USA a hard time?" Mayor Quimby said.
"I!" Everyone spoke including Homer, but not Lisa who just grunted that the town has started to change in a more... let's say more meaner than the schools in Mexico.
(Extra Scene Song)
"Old Springfield. Old Springfield a Barberic Town to live where Old Yelling Homer Waved his fist."
"Some of Springfields Hobbies include burning down buildings drunk, running over people drunk, and sleeping floor like drunks."
"But these drunks are not notorious compared to the El Barto. In fact, all of Springfield maybe all a bunch of "BLEEP!"