Chapter 9

TRIS

It should be a criminal offence having to tear one's self from bed on a Saturday morning, especially before the sun has risen.

I wake up feeling incredibly sore and I barely make it out of bed. I shouldn't be surprised that the Dauntless expect us to keep going, but I had anticipated at least one day off during the week for recuperation. No need to say I was wrong.

I take a cold shower to help wake myself up and soothe my aching muscles. When I'm done I try to stretch myself out a bit, but it doesn't help much; ironically, I still feel stiff. And not being able to lift my arms all the way up, I struggle to pull my top on. Christina loaned me a much more comfortable pair of training pants, so at least those are easier to get into.

I've come to love wearing black. The only time I wear grey now is during the first five minutes after I shower at night and put on my nightgown, after which Tobias gracelessly takes it off. I tell myself I prefer the black because if I'm ever spotted by a traitor Dauntless, they're less likely to shoot at me, thinking I'm one of them. Or simply because the Dauntless girls don't keep grey training clothes in stock. But neither of those things is really true. I wear black because I like it, because I feel more like myself in it.

Most days, Tobias still wears a combination of the two. I watch as he slips on his grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt. He looks stronger already; the lines between his muscles are deeper. I don't look that much different, but I do feel stronger, as sore as I am. I suppose I don't have much to change either since we're almost done with the physical part of training.

As we get dressed, Tobias is quiet and so am I. We haven't exchanged that many words since we got home last night. He probably just thinks I'm tired, which I certainly am, but to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about what I saw last night. It bothered me so much that I went to bed with it on my mind.

Coming out of Dauntless together, Susan, Uriah and I were all talking and laughing at first. But there was Emily, standing a bit too close to Tobias, and obviously she was very comfortable doing so. She didn't look sick at all, which was the whole reason why she had asked to leave early. After everything, I can't seem to convince myself she was out there for any other reason than because she knew Tobias would be waiting alone.

I don't need any more signs to be sure that I don't want Emily anywhere near my husband. I don't want to tell him so, but I know I need to. It wouldn't be wise to just let it simmer inside me.

Taking a breath, I decide to just get it over with. "I saw you talking to Emily last night."

Tobias doesn't look at me as he tightens the lace on his training boots. "Yeah," he says. "You don't still have a problem with her do you?"

I stare at Tobias wide-eyed even though he's not looking at me. Last night, my smile vanished as I saw them, and I know they both noticed.

"I don't like the way she looks at us- at you," I say. "I saw her staring when you were helping me yesterday, and she looked like she wanted to tear me to pieces." Standing upright, Tobias gives me a strange look. "What?" I ask him.

"She was probably just observing, Tris. She asked me to help her with her training," he says, as if it were nothing.

"And you said yes?" I raise my eyebrows at him.

"What was I supposed to say?"

"You were supposed to say no," I answer strongly. I'm sure he notices the change in pitch, tone and volume in my voice.

Letting out a breath and walking over to me, Tobias sets a hand on my waist. "Emily's going through a hard time. She's just looking for comfort."

"Well tell her to look somewhere else." I practically sing the words. I swear Tobias rolls his eyes at me.

"She lost her parents, Tris."

"So did I, Tobias," I answer quickly. "And so did you. Losing her parents doesn't give her the right to throw herself at you. And if you don't set her straight- I will."

"She isn't throwing herself at me." Tobias looks frustrated. He pulls his hand away and his arms hang tensely from his shoulders.

"She isn't? Or do you just refuse to admit it?" I'm suddenly fuelled by irritation. I can't believe he's standing in front of me defending her!

I can ever so clearly remember the way she kept blushing at him from across the dinner table when we had dinner at their house, the way she reluctantly ushered me into my own husband's office as if I were an intruder. She's always wanted him, but at least then our factional norms restricted her to quiet passive aggression. Those norms no longer exist, and I fear she's out to get what she's always wanted.

"Think about it, Tobias," I challenge him. "Why does she need special training from you? What's she doing all day?"

"She told me Lynn's been ignoring her."

"How convenient is that," I say, frustrated. It's not a lie, but it's not like she hasn't been training. Uriah's picked up most of the slack.

"You need to stop assuming the worst of everyone," Tobias says in a careful tone. "First Kade and now Emily. I know you're going through a lot right now, Tris, and we don't know who we can trust, but you-"

"Don't you dare use my grief against me!" I snap at him, upset. "I'm not crazy, Tobias!"

"I never said you were," Tobias answers calmly and he takes a step closer to me. "Tris, do you trust me?" he asks. Not too long ago he asked me the very same question, with me in one hand and a gun in the other, just before stepping into the war outside. My answer hasn't changed.

"It's her I don't trust."

Tobias takes my face between his palms. "You know I would never hurt you, Tris. We're going to train and nothing else. And you're welcome to be there," he says. "I'm actually thinking about inviting James. He could use the practice."

Wounded, I try to force back the tears. Even knowing how much it will upset me, he's still going through with this. So much for never hurting me.

"Do whatever you want, Tobias." I take his hands from my face and I leave the house without him.

Training is not as brutal today. We didn't spar this morning; instead, we're working with the daggers and knives. I was grateful, not sure if my tiredness or mental frustration would dominate my fights.

I was clumsy with the knives at first, so I started practicing without them, finding the right stance and learning the right arm motion. When I did start actually throwing the knife, I quickly got the hang of it. Maybe it was the fact that I was upset with Tobias but I hit the target every single time.

The physical release of frustration and the fact that I was good at it actually made me feel better. Watching Emily's knives repeatedly fall short and clatter on the floor helped as well. For the entire morning, she stayed in her corner and I stayed in mine. It was all the confirmation I needed; Emily knew exactly what she was doing and knew better than to approach me.

While the rest of us take a short break, she's actually still standing there attempting to hit her target; Uriah is nice enough to help her. I try not to but it's hard for me to not glare at her every now and again and then smile when she misses.

"You really don't like her, do you?" Christina asks. I quickly divert my eyes back to the group. I don't answer her. I was hoping no one would notice so I wouldn't have to explain. I haven't even told Susan about it.

Christina laughs at me when I ignore her question. "I bet it's because of a boy. It's always because of a boy."

"Or girl," Lynn corrects her with a smirk. Lynn still hates us. I can see it in the way she looks at us, but I suppose someone talked some sense into her since she's at least being civil. And I'm guessing she's over here with us because Uriah is not.

"Or girl," Christina chuckles. "But let's not forget who we're dealing with here." When Christina points at me, I unconsciously roll my eyes.

"Oh my God… it is because of a boy," Christina squeals. Everyone is quiet and when they all stare at me I almost feel compelled to answer. Aside from Lynn and Emily, the rest of us have actually formed some kind of friendship. This is almost always how we spend our breaks- sitting in a circle, talking.

"She keeps flirting with Tobias," I admit softly.

"Well he married you, didn't he?" Shauna suggests with an incredulous shrug. I suppose the idea of infidelity among the Abnegation is a hard one to generate. And he did marry me, though not because he wanted to. That shouldn't matter now, yet it's the first thing I think about.

That might be why I have such a strong distaste for the pretty girl who speaks to my husband when I'm not there. If I were to be honest with myself, I'd admit that I feel threatened by her. She makes me wonder, really wonder, if Tobias had been given a choice, would he have chosen me? She makes me wonder if Tobias only fell in love with me by default.

"So you guys are married? Like… married married?" Christina asks, sitting up straighter. She extends both arms behind her back, resting her palms on the floor, and rests into them.

"Is there any other kind?" asks Susan with a laugh.

"Oh, yeah," Christina clarifies chirpily. "My older sister and her boyfriend were shacked up for years before they officially tied the knot. Kinda like Zeke and Shauna." She smirks.

"Oh shut up!" Shauna answers with a grin. She flies an air kick in Christina's direction, which Christina comically tries to dodge.

"Anyway, it's not uncommon for a couple to live together and test the waters of commitment before they actually go through with it," Christina says. Susan and I exchange a look. That might not be uncommon in Dauntless but it's unheard of in Abnegation. I can doubtlessly say it wouldn't be allowed at all.

"So marriage isn't the norm in Dauntless?" I ask curiously.

"Not for someone our age. You guys are still babies," Christina points out. "And speaking of babies, what kind of protection exists in Abnegation anyway? Or is family planning considered selfish?"

I know she's teasing because I hear Lynn snickering in the background. I'd answer, but I don't understand her question.

"Protection?" I ask. Then, suddenly realizing that everyone expects me to know the answer to that question, the silence that follows it is entirely awkward and uncomfortable.

Shauna buts in when she realizes I don't. "Why would they need protection, Chris? Everybody knows the Abnegation don't have sex." Shauna winks at me inconspicuously, and both Christina and Lynn begin to laugh loudly. Susan is still staring at me. "Forgive Christina," Shauna says to me. "She's Candor-born. Verbal diarrhoea is second nature for her."

"I've realized," I mutter. Her candidness is almost always too much for me. I feel violated to be honest.

True to her nature, Christina easily removes me from the centre of attention and pokes at the next susceptible person. "What about you, Susan? Anyone special?"

Susan's face turns a whole new shade of red. She told me Caleb's been sleeping over since she moved into Dauntless with the orphans. I've had to ask her about my brother several times since I haven't seen him at all in the past week, and she says he's been rather bitter. I'd prefer he dismiss whatever problem it is he has with my husband and use that same energy to focus on Susan. He's just using her as a bin in which to unload his frustration, while she's too selfless to tell him to stop and likes him too much to not read into it. I really wish he'd stop screwing with her head.

Luckily, Susan isn't really given time to answer; Uriah calls out to us, signalling the end of break time. Protesting, the others all stand up and return to training, but Shauna discreetly pulls me over before I can follow behind them.

"I noticed you kinda froze at Christina's question," she whispers to me though the others are already out of earshot. "Are you trying to get pregnant?"

"God, no." I shake my head, embarrassed.

"I thought so," she mumbles. Shauna walks me over to the corner where her purse is resting and picking it up, she searches inside and pulls something out. "Here," she says, and she places in my hand a round, plastic container. I can see several pills inside, all fashioned in the shape of a circle. "Start the pack on the first day of your next period. You take one a day, every day. Take it at the same time every day or it might not work. Do it right and it'll stop you from getting pregnant before you want to."

"Thank you," I say to Shauna, still staring at the circle of pills. I never thought about it, but as bad as it sounds, a pregnancy would be just about the worst thing to happen to me right now.

"This is a month's worth. I have plenty so just let me know when it runs out."

I nod.

"I'm hoping one day soon I won't need them," Shauna continues. "Not now. But one day." She smiles for a short while and I can only assume she's thinking about her and Zeke having a child together one day. I've never imagined what a baby between me and Tobias might look like. I've never imagined having children at all.

When finally breaking from her daydream, Shauna looks at the others; Emily and Susan are both still failing miserably at knife throwing. Deciding I don't need more practice-not more than the others do anyway, she asks, "Want to take a walk?"

Stuffing the pills in my pocket, I don't hesitate to agree and I don't look behind me when we walk out of the training room.

Shauna takes me through a different set of tunnels than the one I'm used to. I only know it's different because of the spray painted graffiti on the walls- aside from that they look identical. From the looks of it, I'm not sure I'd be able to find my way around Dauntless on my own. But we don't walk for too long, and we come to a set of double doors which Shauna gracefully pushes open. "This is the Pit," she says, "The central part of Dauntless."

"The Pit?" I ask, but when I look around me, I understand. We're in an underground cavern so huge I can't see the other end of it. The rock walls are uneven and rise several stories above my head. Built into the stone walls are places for food, clothing, supplies, and leisure activities, all connected by narrow paths and steps carved from the rock. Blue lanterns dangle at random intervals above the stone paths, and for contrast, I imagine, there's a slant of orange light stretching across one of the rock walls. The roof of the Pit is made up of panes of glass and above them is a small building that allows sunlight to pass through.

Shauna is quiet as she glances around; it's almost as if, like me, she's never seen the place before. But that might be because she's always seen it crowded with people, all dressed in black, all shouting and talking. I can't imagine how haunting the silence is to her; I only know that it is.

"You should have seen this place only two weeks ago," she says, awe in her voice. Honestly, I wish I had.

Shauna leads me to the right side of the Pit, which is conspicuously dark. I squint and see that the floor on this side ends at an iron barrier. As we approach the railing, I hear a roar—water, fast-moving water, crashing against rocks.

I look over the side and gasp; the floor drops off at a sharp angle, and several stories below us is a river. The gushing water strikes the wall beneath me and sprays upward. The left side of the river is calmer, flowing quickly with constant ripples, but to my right it is white and foamy as it battles the rocks.

"This is incredible," I say. There is nothing like this in Abnegation, or should I say was. There was no place for recreation or socialization. There was no place where one could just truly satisfy their senses and enjoy being a human being. Despite all they taught me, I find nothing selfish about it all. Looking around me all I see is beauty and the chance of a wholesome life. I think I would have loved living here.

Shauna smiles at me. "Come," she says, and she leads me up the steps. I walk carefully. There are no barriers to keep us from falling over the side. "It's been deserted since the others left. Tori doesn't want anybody looting, but I'm sure she won't mind if we take a few things."

We stop in front of a clothing store. There's a sign at the top that reads Jessica's. Shauna pushes open the small glass door and ushers me in. The lights are off inside, but enough daylight comes through the door that we can see.

Shauna takes me all the way to the back, directly to the underwear section. She skims through the rack while I look at the items on display. I'm sure my eyes are popping out of my head; most of the pairs of underwear look more fashionable than they do functional, and the materials all look very uncomfortable.

Shauna glances at my waist and then smiles. "Perfect," she says, and she removes a small, white hanger from the rack. On it is a pair of underwear made of red lace. Nonchalantly, she hands it over to me.

"What's this?"

"A weapon."

"Where's the rest of it?" I ask her, only slightly joking.

Shauna chuckles and then she says, "Men only speak one language, Tris. And most of the time they think with the wrong head. That," she says, pointing at the pair of underwear, "is to keep Tobias from thinking about anyone else but you. When girls like Emily come around, you can't be afraid to play dirty. Remind Tobias why you're the one he wants to be with. And make it entertaining."

I stare at the red lace. It is attractive and bound to capture his attention. It's definitely different from anything we used in Abnegation. Rubbing the material between my fingers, I ask, "You don't think I'm being paranoid? Tobias seems to think so."

"No," Shauna says, her previous humour gone. "I don't think you are. I've noticed a few things," she shrugs. "Besides, you should never doubt your intuition. Take it from me."

I look at Shauna and raise my eyebrows. "Zeke?"

She nods. "There was this one girl we kept fighting about. I knew she was flirting but he thought I was just being paranoid. We fought about Bianca for months until I finally dropped it. I was still mad but I left it alone. And somehow that very girl ended up coming on to him at a party while he was drunk. Nothing happened, thank God, and he came running back to confess what she had tried to do and that he was wrong."

Her story unsettles me because Tobias doesn't perceive underhandedness the way I do, and it might come to proving him wrong for him to believe me. I'm not sure I could bear it.

"Stop worrying," Shauna says, setting an arm on my shoulder. "Tobias is one of the good ones. He'll stop it before she goes too far. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be proactive." Taking back her arm, she picks out one more pair- a blue one.

"What if it's not enough?" I softly question, staring at the garments in my hands. Over the past few days I've kept wondering who Tobias would've chosen if he was ever given the choice. It's not to say he doesn't love me- I know he does. But would he have still fallen for me if he wasn't forced to live with me? And without any real factional pressure to force him in any direction, when Emily walks back and forth in front of him, will he finally open his eyes and realize that he could do better than me?

"Tris," Shauna begins softly. "A woman will always be your man's greatest weakness. And everything will be fine as long as that woman is you. In the unfortunate event that he does do something stupid, don't be afraid to make him miss you." I look up at her. "It's hard because it's something that hurts the both of you. But a lot of times, it's the only way to make them understand how much they've hurt you and that you mean business."

Just the thought of fighting with Tobias again is enough to bring tears to my eyes. I hate it. I hate being distant from him and not just physically. All day I've felt like someone's been trying to rip my insides out.

"You love him," Shauna says, "and he loves you, and everybody with eyes can see that." She smiles at me.

"Love doesn't stop people from making mistakes," I say.

"It doesn't. But it brings them home repented. And when he's trying to make it up to you and you're satisfied with his apologizing, make sure you're wearing a skirt." Shauna winks at me. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and leads me out of the store. I don't tell her I have no idea what she means.

A/N: HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! From me and Bamberlee :) I hope you're all having as much fun as we are :)
Sadly, postings will continue to be every other week until I can manage to catch up with writing. But I loved reading you guys thoughts about Emily and I can't wait to see what you all thought of this chapter! :)