Chapter thirty-four.
I think I had been staring at Edward for over ten minutes. He stayed completely still, his face buried in his hands. There I stood in the middle of his room, my lips pressed in a straight line. My eyes were prickling slightly and I was holding my breath because it was coming out uneven. My arms felt useless by my side as I slowly moved my fingers, clenching then relaxing my hand. The house was quiet and the light outside was beginning to darken. It was nearly half past six in the evening.
Finally, I took in a deep breath. Choices had been made for me. Choices that were thought to be best. Choices that I should've easily avoided. But I didn't.
Within those choices, I had to decide what to do now.
I had chosen.
Edward had given up. But he didn't exactly explain though. On what? On life? Surely not. He didn't look suicidal. He just looked lost, sad. Broken. Like a piece of him had died when Carlisle had died.
Did he give up on me?
I straightened up and turned towards the door.
"If you love me, you'll follow me", I whispered, loud enough for him to hear, "if you don't…goodbye then. I might visit Charlie once in three years, maybe we'll bump into eachother."
Follow me, Edward.
With that, I turned around and walked out of his room.
I didn't hear him move or follow.
At first, I thought that he didn't hear me. As I descended the stairs, I thought that maybe he was just thinking. About to come sprinting after me. Any moment now. But I still didn't hear anything. As I reached the bottom stepped, I realised that he wasn't coming. He wasn't behind me. He didn't follow.
He really did give up.
On me.
No. Come after me. Tell me you'll miss me, Edward.
"Bella", an excited voice called out, making me jump. I looked up to see Jasper and Emmett walking through the door. Their wide grins faded as they saw my expression.
"What's the matter?" asked Jasper, concerned, "hey, are you ok?"
He didn't follow.
"I'm going back to London tomorrow"; I said in a broken whisper, "I'm sorry. I'll miss you guys."
"Are you joking?" demanded Emmett. I shook my head sadly at him. I watched as frustration and hurt appeared on Emmett's face. He looked exactly like I had seen him a week ago, when he was mourning for his father.
"Have you…told Edward?" Jasper asked cautiously. I nodded at him.
"He doesn't care", I said, sighing, "He gave up on me. He's upstairs…in his room. As usual."
He didn't say he'd miss me.
"Bella, of course Edward cares", said Jasper smiling gently at me, "he's not acting it because…maybe its because he knows he'll miss you."
But he didn't say it.
"Why are you leaving?" asked Emmett, looking as if he had just been slapped, "don't you like it here?"
His tone held a desperate edge to it. He was fidgeting about with his fingers a lot too.
"Of course I like it here", I said, shaking my head, "my mother thinks its good for me to return. Besides…I miss London."
Lies.
"And my friends are there", I carried on, "California was just temporary anyway."
Just temporary.
"Couldn't…couldn't you wait a couple of weeks?" muttered Emmett sullenly, "I mean, Edward's not in the best shape right now, Bella…"
"I'm sorry", I repeated, my eyes watering fully now, "I'm really sorry. Tell him I'll be there, Tifins forest. I'll wait to the last minute…until I have to leave."
I walked out of the door with Jasper and Emmett looking defeated and rejected. They both waited by the door, watching me walk away. I turned back to give a halfhearted wave and offer a small smile.
With a big sniff, Emmett sudden sprang from his rooted spot and ran towards me, grabbing me by the waist and squeezing me into a tight hug.
"We'll miss you Bella", he whispered gently, "I'll miss you so much…I can't believe you're going. I'm gonna miss you so much."
He set me on my feet after a couple of minutes. Jasper had walked over with a tight, sad smile on his face.
"I'll miss you too", I told them. My heart was wrenching into two. It was pounding and thrashing against my ribcage. I felt so torn. Alice and Rosalie or Emmett and Jasper? London or Edward? Home or love?
Looks like it was Alice and Rosalie, London and home.
"Bye…we'll miss you", whispered Jasper.
At least he had the guts to say it.
--
Jessica pranced around my room with a bounce in her steps. She hummed under her breath as she worked, packing away my things. She inspected my things, turning them up and down and scrutinizing them. She sniffed some of my clothes too, oddly. She polished and shined my flip-flops, sandals, shoes and boots.
Her humming got lively and she sung some words aloud before going back to normal, slow words. When she had finished stuffing most of my clothes and things in my suitcase, she stood by the doorway, smiling brightly.
"All done", she chirped up, nodding.
I sat in the middle of my bed, legs crossed, shoulders hunched. I turned my head fractionally to the left and noticed that it was half past nine at night.
Just on cue, my dad walked in with Lauren.
"Better get some sleep, Bells", said Charlie gruffly. He stood by the doorway, his eyes going over my luggage.
"Just about to", I told him, "thanks Jessica. For…packing my stuff." I guess I could afford to be thankful and nice to her today. I had spent much less time with my sister than I thought I would be doing."
"You're welcome", she said, positively beaming, "goodnight Bella. Flights at ten o'clock tomorrow morning. I bet you can't wait, huh?"
"I think I can wait", I muttered as she skipped out. Charlie and Lauren both said goodnight and closed my door as they left.
I lay back on my bed, not bothering to turn off the lights. I had already set an alarm on my phone. It would wake me up.
Turning to my side, I closed my eyes until unconsciousness overwhelmed me.
--
The beeping sound of my alarm woke me up and my eyes flew right open. I didn't have time to be sleepy and drowsy. Checking the time, I knew that it was quarter to midnight. I peeled off my pyjamas and threw on some skinny jeans and sweatshirt. I brushed my hair roughly, untangling the mess of it. I tiptoed to the bathroom quietly and splashed my face with water.
When I was ready, I skipped out of my window and made my way towards Tifins forest.
My thought wondered around anything and everything as I walked. Around one person, but around my whole life. Around one thing, but around everything.
I imagined myself running away from the airport tomorrow, like they did in the movies. Instead of getting on the plane, I would somehow run to Edward's house. I was leapt into his arms and he would hug me. He would smile like he used to, he would kiss me like he used to. He would tell me that he loved me.
Or maybe he would meet me there in the airport. Just before I would get on, he would coming running to me and tell me that he was going to miss me a lot. That he would cal me everyday when I would be back in London.
Just the thought of him missing me, still loving me and wanting to be with me, made me smile. I would probably be able to survive if I got a little goodbye from Edward. That's all I was asking for, not for him to make a miracle so that I could stay, but for him to say goodbye. Properly. Because he didn't follow me when I walked out.
My eyes landed on a shimmering lake and I halted in my steps. The moon reflected off the water, making lines and sparkles. I walked towards the water and sat down in front of it.
And waited.
I would wait for Edward. I wanted to help him before I went. If he loved me he would come to me.
That's when he would tell me that he would miss me. That he loved me truly. That's how it would happen.
I was strong. I would wait for him. Come and find me Edward, I thought to myself as I sighed, I'm leaving in hours…come and find me.
I picked a spot at the trunk of a tree and sat down. The grass underneath me was slightly damp but I didn't mind. My eyes scanned the forest lazily as I waited.
And waited.
Stars appeared and sparkled in the darkness of the night, the moon was full and bright. And I waited.
The wind blew passed and through my hair, but still I waited.
And waited.
My excited thumping heart became a panicking rejected one as still; I waited for Edward to come to me. To say goodbye. Just a goodbye. Just to say that we were ok. That he still loved me as I loved him.
Confidence became patience. And patience became hope. Finally, hope because despair.
A single tear rolled down the left side of my cheek as I stood up, stretching my legs to test and make sure they still worked. My eyelids were drooping slightly but I didn't want to sleep. I opened my phone to check the time. It was nearly o'clock in the morning. Two fifty-seven to be precise.
I took in a deep breath, enveloped with the feeling of dejection, rejection, pain and disappointment. I stood there for a couple more minutes and waited. But even I couldn't joke and fool myself anymore.
A strangled sob escaped my lips. More tears pooled down my face and I wiped them away furiously with me hands. I wouldn't cry. I would be strong.
I concentrated on breathing evenly as my sobbing ceased slowly. I was strong, I had to stop crying.
Why hadn't he come? He loved me, I would never question that. I saw it in his eyes. Edward loved me as I loved him. Why didn't he come?
I lifted my feet and took one of many steps towards the way I came in, but a familiar sound made me halt. I whirled around, aware of the gasping noise I had made.
Music found it's way to my ears, the trotting of a horse. Starlight.
I felt my heart lift and exploded with adrenaline as it pounded throughout my whole body. My ears itched and listened harder, trying to figure out which direction the noise was coming from.
My eyes searched and then finally landed on something.
He was mounted perfect on Starlight; his face looked worried but then as soon as our eyes met everything froze. Just for a second, nothing existed apart from us. It was just Edward and I in Tifins forest. There was no thought about Carlisle's death, no thought about me leaving, no thought anything apart from us.
"Bella", he whispered in a breathless voice.
OK, sad chapters... my work reflects my mood. Lots of Edward and Bella time next chapter. LOADS of talking and a bit of kissing...OK, maybe a lot of kissing.
Review Please.
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