Good to see you guys laughing, that makes me happy. Recently I've gotten a few reviews saying Starrk hasn't been tortured, now I had planned on Urahara being burned this chapter, but I decided on throwing in Starrk too. I'm killing 2 birds with one stone. Special Ukitake appearance as well.
Don't Judge A Fanfiction By Its Summary
This chapter was all me this time XD!
Chapter 34: An AU: Enter Detectives Urahara and Starrk
"I guess we're picking out straws again." Ukitake said.
"Seems that way." Ikkaku replied.
"Since I already read, I'm not going to participate in this." Toshiro added.
"Fair enough." Ichigo said. "Let's do this."
Everyone but Toshiro began picking out a straw.
"Alright guys, no funny business; show out your straws." Ichigo ordered and he showed his.
Hanataro sighed and showed his. "It's me."
"Get to work then." Nnoitra taunted.
Yoruichi gladly gave up the spot on the chair to sit down next to Urahara.
Hanataro dragged his feet over to the chair and began searching.
"I'm glad I don't have to read." Ikkaku said.
"No kidding." Starrk replied.
A loud grumble was than heard, but not just any grumble, it was a stomach grumble one normally gives out when hungry.
Renji blushed and scratched his head. "Sorry, I kinda skipped breakfast."
"You know..." Urahara said. "I haven't eaten either. I've been in my shop since morning and I rushed over here."
"Wow, here I thought only I was the one that was hungry." Shuhei added.
"You too Shuhei?" Renji asked. "Hey, who else is hungry in here?"
Much to Ichigo's dislike, a good amount of guests raised their hand. To add more salt to his wounds, they all stared at him.
"What are you all looking at me for?"
"Well, you are our host." Yumichika said.
Ichigo frowned. "I don't remember ever inviting any of you, with the exception to Rukia who was already here."
"I can cook us something." Orihime suggested.
"Yay!" Rangiku cheered. "I'd love that."
"And you'd be the only one." Toshiro replied.
Ichigo pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Look, I don't have enough food in my house to accommodate all of you."
Rukia grinned. "I say this calls for pizza takeout."
"Pizza?" Ukitake repeated. "I don't think I've ever eaten that."
"Me neither." Byakuya added. "I'm curious as to what it tastes like."
"It's actually quite delicious." Aizen said. He had actually tried it before. "I'm sure you'll agree with me once you taste it. That is, should Ichigo decide to buy pizza."
"That was a great idea you thought of Rukia." Urahara said. "Let's order some pizza for us."
"Are you nuts!" Ichigo retorted. "I'm not buying pizza for all of you."
"Kurosaki Ichigo, you truly are a dense person. Haven't I already told you the responsibility that comes with being a host." Byakuya replied.
Ichigo made an 'X' gesture. "No way, I'm not falling for that again. I'm not buying pizza and that's final."
"Hey, don't be like that Ichigo." Yoruichi said, truth was, she was also hungry. "Order pizza."
"No, now drop it."
Orihime pouted. "Aww, but Ichigo, I'm hungry too."
"Orihime..." Ichigo groaned. He didn't mind making the others starve, but he'd feel guilty if he made Orihime starve. This was definitely not his day. "Fine."
Rukia shot a fist in the air. "Yes."
"Oh hey Ichigo, may I suggest a separate box specially for Yoruichi." Urahara said. "She may not look it, but she's got a big appetite."
"Joy." Ichigo mumbled.
"Whoa, my appetite right now is big too." Renji said. "I'm starving like a dog."
"Hey, I'd really like a pizza too." Hanataro called out as he continued searching. When Unohana had once sent him to the human world, he had tried several of the unfamiliar food; pizza had been one of them.
"So I have to order like three freaking orders of pizzas?" Ichigo asked incredulously.
"Since there's like twenty of us here and lady Yoruichi wants her own order, and each box comes with eight slices, I'd say more like four orders." Rukia said.
"Good math Rukia," Uryuu praised. "I'm glad to see you took my advice and put some more interest in our education system."
Rukia smiled. "I couldn't have passed my math without your tutoring help Ishida."
Uryuu smiled with pride. "It's nothing really."
Orihime stared at the two suspiciously. She knew they liked each other, her woman's intuition was never wrong. (A/N: Silly Orihime, wrong again)
"I'll go order than, be back in a flash." Ichigo said and he leaped down his window, since his hallway was impassable.
"Don't forget the drinks!" Rukia shouted from the top.
Hanataro eyed the story he found. "I suppose this'll have to do." He clicked it and turned to the others. "Okay, I found one."
"Let's hear it." Urahara said.
"Wait," Nel cut in. "Shouldn't we wait for Ichigo to return?"
"Nah, he won't mind. Trust me, he'll thank us later." Grimmjow replied.
The Big Crime
"This sounds different." Ulquiorra said.
"Hopefully it is different." Renji added.
By TheBestDude6556
"Tch, I'm the best." Nnoitra said.
Summary: A big crime is going to take place in downtown Karakura and it's up to our top notch detectives to crack the case.
"A detective story, no way." Rukia said with glee.
"What's a detective?" Grimmjow asked.
"It's like this special officer who specializes in solving mysteries." Rukia answered. "I've read several books on this type of thing."
"Seems interesting." Ukitake pondered aloud.
It was a busy day in the office for detective Urahara.
"Me, a detective?" Urahara said. "Heh, I could be 'that' handsome detective; it suits me well."
"Don't go and inflate your ego Kisuke." Aizen replied. "You being a detective will be as successful as your rundown shack you call a store."
"Whoa," Urahara cut in angrily. "What's with the personal attacks?"
He was currently working on a hard case with his partner Starrk.
"Huh?" Starrk said. "Why pick me as a partner, I've never even met this guy until today."
"Hopefully this isn't some weird gross crack pairing." Renji said.
Yumichika chuckled. "That would be like ultimate crack."
"I find it interesting, let's see where they go with this." Yoruichi said.
It was mostly him who did the work while Starrk slept all day. Sometimes he wondered why he was partnered with him. The two were both lazy and stupid.
Both Urahara and Starrk winced.
"Heh, looks like I'm not the only character who insults themselves." Yoruichi joked.
"Yo!" Ichigo called out from the bottom. "Can someone give me a lift up there?"
"Why don't you just jump up here?" Renji said from the now windowless room.
"I'm not in my Soul Reaper form dumbass, now c'mon already."
Renji grumbled and jumped down. He grabbed Ichigo and jumped back up.
"Alright, pizza guy says he'll be here in thirty minutes."
"AWWW!" Everyone whined. They then began to get Ichigo up to speed with what he missed
They had never really solved anything.
"I may not be a detective, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be a good one if I were one." Urahara said.
"Meh, seems like to much work for me." Starrk replied.
"How can you say that?" Rukia said. "A detective is an admirable job. Don't go insulting the job of the great Sherlock Holmes and Jimmy Kudo. "
Starrk gave her a tired look. "Who?"
Rukia jabbed a finger to his face. "That's it you lazy good for nothing, once we're done here I'm going to convert you into a non-lazy person."
"Careful," Ichigo warned. "She'd really do it."
Honestly the chief only had them there because he needed some comedy in his life, so having two losers was convenient.
"Hah." Nnoitra said.
At that Starrk frowned. "Loser, me a loser, oh please. This author is a dumbass."
"They ALL are." Yumichika replied.
"And who is this 'chief' who thinks he's better than us?" Urahara crossed his arms.
Right at that moment chief Ukitake entered.
Starrk and Urahara turned to a stunned Ukitake.
Rukia dashed in front of her captain. "None of you are touching captain Ukitake.X
"Relax Rukia, let's see where they take this." Ukitake said. "Surely there's an explanation."
"Listen, I have a super-ultra-mega-awesome job for you."
The room began laughing at Ukitake's horrible characterization.
"I... don't talk like that."
"It's about time." Urahara said. "What is this mission you're talking about?"
"We're having strange activities occurring in downtown Karakura and we need you and Starrk to check it out."
"Count us in chief." Urahara said, speaking for both of them, since Starrk was asleep.
"We suspect that it could be the notorious Aizen we're looking for."
"I thought we were done with my character." Aizen said.
Urahara dashed out and dragged the still sleeping Starrk with him,-
"That's a bit of an exaggeration on my character. I'm not ALWAYS asleep." Starrk said.
not even realizing that they weren't sent for their talent.
Ukitake walked out to meet his other workers, whom all had hope in their eyes.
"Yes," Ukitake affirmed. "They will finally die."
"YESSS!"
Nnoitra went into a laughing fit. "That's fucked up."
Ukitake nervously shifted under the angry glares Urahara and Starrk were sending him.
"Don't worry captain," Rukia assured. "If they want you, they have to go through me."
Ukitake grinned. "I couldn't take those queers anymore either."
"Ahaha!" More laughter occurred and Ukitake could almost feel a hole burning into his head.
At a secluded warehouse in downtown Karakura, Kisuke and Starrk were currently on a stakeout.
"Yummy, steak." Yachiru said.
"This is so my kind of job." Starrk said as he folded his arms behind him. "Sleeping until you notice something."
"I could so agree with you." Urahara replied and he mimicked his partner. "Us lazy losers need to stick together."
Aizen chuckled to himself. "These things are quite humorous when it isn't directed at you."
"I've been saying that all day." Rangiku added.
Suddenly they noticed a strange person dressed in black entering.
"Let's check it out." Starrk said. Urahara nodded and the two stealthily followed the suspicious person.
They were each on opposite sides of the door. They peered inside.
"Is this thing suppose to be suspenseful, cos' it sucks." Nnoitra said.
"Ssshhh!" Nel retorted in his face. "I'm trying to hear."
Inside were Aizen and his nasty henchmen, Ulquiorra and Nnoitra.
"No! Fuck you, I don't wanna be in this load of garbage." Nnoitra complained.
"I share those exact feelings, though I am above voicing them out explicitly." Ulquiorra added.
"So what's the plan boss man?" Ulquiorra said.
"Boss man?" Ulquiorra repeated. "I do not refer to my lord as 'boss man'."
"The plan is we're going to use this woman right here as our hostage." Aizen said, as he beckoned the gagged woman. "Then we'll negotiate for the world." Aizen replied.
Ikkaku chuckled. "That plan is so half-assed."
"I'd never devise such a ridiculous plan." Aizen said in his defense.
"Oh the irony." Grimmjow joked.
Urahara nudged Starrk. "This is bad, they got a hostage in there. We need backup."
"Fuck backup, I'm going in." Starrk said like a dummy and he dove right out of cover. "Yo! You three people are under arrest."
Urahara facepalmed. "Starrk you make a horrible detective. Don't you know we have to stay incognito."
"I know that, but my character here is stupid." Starrk replied.
"Don't worry partner, I'm sure my handsome character is about to save the day." Urahara reassured.
"You guys DO know that you're not really detectives, right?" Ichigo said.
"Who the hell are you bastard?" Nnoitra asked.
"Don't worry about who I am, just put your hands where I can see them."
Aizen aimed his gun at the hostage. "I'm calling the shots."
Kon snickered. "Heh, get the pun?"
Starrk's eyes widened when he recognized the hostage. "Nel?!"
"Aww, why me?" Nel whined.
Urahara also visibly tensed. Nel was a good friend of his and Starrk's.
"Let her go you damn coward!" Starrk barked.
Nnoitra smirked. "Not after I have my way with her first."
"Jerk!" Nel angrily swung an unsuspecting Nnoitra out the broken window.
Grimmjow whistled. "Daaaamn, that's some arm you got there Nelliel."
"Um.. should I continue reading?" Hanataro asked.
"Yeah, these types of things are regular now." Toshiro answered.
"You disgusting monster, don't you dare!"
"Drop your weapon." Aizen ordered.
Starrk glared at him and dropped his gun. He hoped Kisuke would pull through.
"We got em' boss hehe." Ulquiorra said.
"I don't talk like that."
"Ulquiorra get his weapon." Aizen added.
"Yes boss." Ulquiorra picked up the gun and Starrk was shooting daggers at him. Ulquiorra frowned and pistol whipped him.
Grimmjow laughed. "Man the image of that is to hilarious."
"Kiss my ass." Starrk replied. He made mental note to pistol whip Grimmjow and Ulquiorra later with his resurrección.
Just then an angry Nnoitra climbed into the window and stalked over to Nel. "You bitch! What the hell was that for?"
"For trying to have your way with me." Nel replied.
Nnoitra gritted his teeth. "Oh please Nelliel, like I'd ever."
It hurt a lot, but Starrk wouldn't give him the benefit of a scream; despite how rough it was he wouldn't give in. Once Ulquiorra was satisfied he walked back over to Aizen.
Nnoitra paled, getting the wrong idea. "What the fuck did I just hear?"
Yoruichi chuckled. "It's not what you're thinking, although it could definitely be taken out of context."
"Here's how it will go down detective," Aizen said. "I want the world in return for the girl."
Starrk looked at him like he was crazy. "Huh? What, are you smoking meth,-
The humans in the room were laughing like crazy, the others seemed clueless.
"Byakushi, what's meth?" Yachiru asked.
"I have no idea, but I suggest you refrain from using it."
that would never work."
Aizen did a double take. "It won't? But I had it all planned out. I'd be the new ruler of the world and Ulquiorra and Nnoitra would be my loyal henchmen."
"You can't do that sort of negotiation."
Aizen frowned. "Then I guess I have no use for you or your girlfriend now do I?"
"Girlfriend?" Nnoitra repeated. "Wow Starrky, that's sinking low; I mean dating Nel, really?"
"Spoon head is jealous, spoon head is jealous." Yachiru sang.
"Damn it, no I'm not!"
Aizen readied his gun at Nel.
Nel shot a glare at Aizen.
Aizen sighed, he could probably go and forget about re-recruiting her.
"No don't!" Starrk cried. He shut his eyes closed as a bullet was blasted. When he heard Aizen yelp he opened his eyes. What he saw surprised him, but also relieved him.
"Kisuke!"
Urahara smirked. "What did I say, the handsome devil would come through. Yes, I can definitely be a detective. From now on call me detective Urahara."
Ichigo groaned, he knew this would've went to his head.
"The one and only." He had shot Aizen's gun away. "Now back away from Nel, unless you want a bullet where your brain is."
Starrk handcuffed the three criminals and untied Nel. "Are you hurt Nelliel?"
Urahara stepped closer, also worried. "Don't worry Nel, we're here."
Nel brought the two into a hug. "Thank you guys, I believed in you, I knew you'd come."
Urahara put one arm around Nel and the other around Starrk. "We make a good team."
Ichigo facepalmed.
Back at the office...
"WHAT?!" Ukitake exclaimed. "You retar- I mean you two actually caught Aizen?"
Urahara smirked. "I think this calls for a party."
Starrk also smirked. "And a raise."
A/N: Might continue it lol, but for right now that's all.
"Scoot over Hanataro." Urahara said and he shoved Hanataro off. "Detective Urahara is leaving this gentleman a request to continue."
Ichigo slammed his head on the wall. This just possibly couldn't get any worse.
Author's Notes
Hehe, Urahara thinks he's a detective now. I decided on doing something different this time, so I didn't do the usual 'pairing' story.
Btw, I wrote this after I ate pizza hehe.