Chapter Thirty-Six

Castle was so confused by the lack of sensation.

Blinding pain, white hot with its intensity had followed him mercilessly since the moment his mind cleared enough to finally understand what Kate had been trying to tell him, finally understand that something had happened to him.

The feeling of relief that April was unharmed lasted only long enough for the pain to fully register. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to shake the memory of that frantic look in Kate's eyes as she struggled with him to get to his injury.

Now, however, he didn't understand the moment he found himself in. Confusion warred with relief as he felt weightless and without pain. It was an odd experience to glance down and see his stomach, watch a doctor poking and prodding, swiping at the blood, jabbing into him with a needle, but he felt nothing.

He felt weightless, calm. More than calm, he had moved full circle from scared shitless to an almost serene sense of tranquility tinged with an almost giddy feeling.

He wondered where Beckett was. He felt so alone here with just him and the medical staff. As he continued to watch the doctor and nurses working, someone blotted at the wound to clear the blood and he got a good look at the slash in his abdomen. It was almost as if he could see right inside his body.

It was a surreal feeling in that moment and he wanted to see Beckett walk through the door so badly just so that he could have someone to stand beside him. Be there, even though he knew there was nothing she could do.

His eyes fell on the wound again and thoughts of Beckett fled as he became enthralled with watching himself be poked, not feeling a thing. He wondered if his Twitter followers would be disgusted by this, because he found it absolutely fascinating.

x.x.x

Kate didn't know how long they had sat there. Her own tears had stopped long ago as she lectured herself for breaking in front of the already panicked teen. She needed to be the strong one right now. She had swiped her face and eyes to eliminate the remnants of tears, though she knew nothing would take the red rimmed eyes or pink cheeks and nose away. They were just as much of a giveaway as wet cheeks and glistening eyes.

Alexis had settled from the initial emotional outburst, but Kate kept talking. She didn't even know what she was saying. Empty platitudes, promises that her father would be ok, that everything would be ok. She knew from experience that she could lose him today and she knew that nothing would ever be the same again if that happened.

With a sniffle, Alexis finally pulled away from Beckett. She felt the moment air took the place of her emotion heated face as the damp skin along Kate's neck prickled with goose bumps and the fabric of her shirt felt cool against her shoulder where it had been wetted with Alexis' tears.

She noticed that Alexis was avoiding her eyes, her head ducked as if ashamed of her reaction. The girl confirmed it when she softly spoke, "Sorry, Kate."

"Shh." Beckett responded, running a reassuring hand down her hair slowly before moving a bent finger over to lift the teen's chin and connect their eyes, "You have nothing to apologize for." she told her, trying to maintain a reassuring tone. "It's perfectly normal and natural, and if you're apologizing for that then I'm going to have to as well."

She felt more than saw the miniscule nod of acceptance before she recognized the quiver in the girl's chin. Alexis pulled away from her touch to look away from her again, "Not just for this. For earlier, too." It was so far from Kate's mind that it took her finishing her point before she caught up with what they were talking about, "It's really none of my business and I had no right to talk to you the way I did."

"Hey, no." she responded gently, reaching out to tug the redhead back into an embrace. "Can I tell you something?" she was going to regardless, but the nod she felt against her meant she wasn't being ignored, "In your position? I would have done the same thing."

Alexis pulled away again, giving her a look somewhere between disbelief and surprise. "Really?"

"Mostly." Kate nodded, "I don't know how you held back so long. I'd have been in my own face two weeks ago, though in hindsight he and I were both idiots." Beckett understood. She really did. She could see now how much their lack of communication had cost them, how it had hurt him as much as her.

Alexis laughed a little, "That surprises me." she responded. "Well, not about dad. You know how he is."

They were smiling at each other over the joke, but something about Castle not being right there to hear them making fun of him made the moment less than it could have been. They both seemed to realize at the same time that there was a reason they were sitting together on the linoleum floor outside the emergency room of a hospital.

Alexis stood first, holding a hand down to her. "Let's go see if they have any news."

When she grasped the smaller hand, more for balance than to actually pull any of her weight up, Beckett realized once again that she was wearing Castle's blood like a morbid set of gloves.

Alexis seemed to notice at the same moment and kept her hand in Kate's as she led her away from the doors to the emergency room and back down the way she had come in. "There's a bathroom this way. I passed it on my way through."

She followed along in a daze. Once inside, Alexis washed up quickly, but Kate stood at the sink a moment, staring at her reflection. She hardly recognized herself. Finally, with a heavy sigh, Kate turned the water on and began to scrub her hands.

Alexis had finished and was leaning against the wall by the door. Beckett could feel she was being watched, but she seemed unable to pull her eyes away from the blood as it rehydrate and dripped off her hands, swirling in the sink. She pumped soap on her hands and worked it furiously into a pink lather.

After rinsing, she went back for more soap and scrubbed some more, paying attention to the cracks of her fingernails that seemed intent on holding onto this memento. Her mind was waning again, spiraling out of her control as she scrubbed under the hot water. She knew she should turn the handle for cold to mellow out the scalding temperature, but the burn against her skin felt good, it felt cleansing.

She knew she was wasting time, but she hadn't gotten it all off. "You should go check on him. See if they have any word."

Silence greeted her in response. It stretched on long enough to make her uncomfortable so she pulled her eyes from the task of scrubbing long enough to glance at Alexis. The girl just gave a little shake of her head, apparently she didn't to want to let Beckett out of her sight and Kate couldn't blame her. Martha was on her way from out of town and should arrive in an hour or two, but she knew from experience that this was not something that people wanted to face alone, regardless of the outcome.

Alexis starts talking. It's the first words since they got off the floor and she suggested the bathroom. It's as if she's afraid silence will result in another breakdown. She's trying to hold herself together and Kate sees a young Katherine Beckett, scared, feeling desperately alone, but unwilling to show the world that which she had perceived as weakness. Trying to be so strong on the outside while crumbling inside.

She doesn't want to see Alexis give up the youthful exuberance and the innocence of her childhood to the gnawing ache that comes with losing your parent at such a young age. She's drawing parallels with her own life and it makes her sick to think that might be a reality for this girl soon.

Hands red and raw, she finally turns off the faucet and grips the sink. Bowing her head she watches the water on her hands run down the side of the sink and drip slowly onto the floor. She should clean that up, but she can't seem to move.

Her head comes up when paper towels are handed to her and she smiles in thanks at the gesture. As she dries her hands, feeling how sore the act of scrubbing had made the flesh on them, she winces.

Silence walks with them back to the Emergency room. Kate takes a seat, but Alexis pushes the nurse for information. She's hopeful that having a family member will yield better results than she had been able to, but it's a false hope and soon Alexis is sitting beside her, head on Kate's shoulder.

It's all about waiting now. Alexis leave's her side three more times to go back to the reception desk before she finally speaks again. Kate had been so lost in thought that she's surprised Alexis' voice was even able to filter through. "Ashley stayed on the phone with me while I was in the cab." she said quietly. "He wanted to meet me here, sit and wait with me. I told him no."

"Why?" Kate asks, not sure why Alexis is confiding in her, but willing to listen, hoping it's not something she's just practicing for when, no, she had to stop that thought. Instead she put all her focus on listening.

"I don't want him to see me like this." Her tone is quiet and Beckett can hear the insecurity in the words. "He keeps calling, but I," she sighs heavily and Kate recognizes the move, knows the girl is trying not to cry, trying to bottle it away. "I just I don't want to, I can't answer it."

"You really love him, don't you?" Kate asks, gently prodding.

Alexis nods in response, eyes unfocused and staring at the wall just below where the TV in the waiting room was running a news program.

"Can I tell you something without you thinking I'm just trying to be all grown up about it?"

That guarded look is back when Alexis turns towards Kate, "Not if you're going to give me a lecture about how I'm too young to know what love is."

Beckett reached out a hand and placed it over one of Alexis' on the armrest of her chair. This time it's her turn to look away. "My mom was not a fan of my boyfriends when I was a teenager. She probably didn't think they were good enough for me. Looking back, I can see her point." Kate smiled slightly at the memory, it wasn't a real smile, it was the one she always pulled out to give herself a moment to draw back in the emotion that was trying to run free. It seemed that at least one teenage girl was onto her ploy; because Alexis shifted her hand to lace her fingers with Kate's and gave a gentle squeeze.

"I'll never forget this late night we had my first Christmas break during college. We were having some cocoa before calling it a night. Dad had gone to bed and we just weren't ready for the day to end yet, so we were just lying on the carpet by the fireplace. If I close my eyes I can still almost feel the carpeting beneath me and the heat of the fire. I can clearly remember the happiness in my mom's eyes as she sat beside me and looked down." She had to swallow back the sudden lump in her throat.

"It's ok, Kate. We don't have to talk about this."

She smiled at the kind gesture, but shook her head to decline the offer of an out. She was done running from things just because they were uncomfortable. "She told me something that night that has stuck with me. Something that has been in the back of my mind through every relationship I've ever been in. Something that I knew proved why those wouldn't work a long time before the relationships actually ended." It was a brief moment of doubting the logistics of her bringing up this story before she convinced herself to go on.

"She looked down at me and asked if I knew what love was. Of course, I thought I did and explained it as well as I could, but she just continued to smile and shook her head at me. She said, 'Katie, love isn't a feeling. It isn't a want or desire or being happy all the time. Love is being willing to open yourself up to someone enough that you want them there when you aren't happy. Love is knowing that no matter what you look or feel like, they will always be there for you and you for them.' Always." Becket repeated the word, latching onto it and thinking hard on the meaning she had intended for Alexis to get from this.

"I know what you're going through, to some extent." Beckett continued, and felt the fingers wrapped around her own tighten. She knew Alexis understood what she was saying. "I also know that you want him here, because when you love someone you're not afraid to breakdown in front of them. You know they'll be there to help you pick up the pieces."

"Like in the hall?" Alexis asked.

She knew instantly what Alexis was asking her. She knows it's a reference to the two of them breaking down together and wondering if that means something. "Just like that, but something I can't give you. Something you need him for."

Alexis releases her hand and she wonders if she overstepped. It's a thought that only lasts the time it takes for Alexis to lean into her side and wrap her arm around Kate. She hugs the teen close to her side.

Alexis pulls away and gives her a warm smile with fresh tears brimming in her eyes. "I'm going to check on Dad again first." she says as she stands and heads back to the reception desk.

Kate watches her until she starts back, her phone now out and her finger hovering over the touch screen. She hits the send button to return Ashley's call as she approaches the seat she had been waiting in with an appreciative smile. One Beckett recognizes as trying to relay that she had gotten the message.

The sound of Taylor Swift's 'Mine' broke the silence through the door of the emergency room opening. Alexis turned and started towards the young man standing awkwardly in the still open door. Kate recognized Ashley frozen in place. He looked nervous and unsure with his phone in his hand, eyes locked on Alexis and shining with concern behind the obvious feeling that he may be in the wrong for showing up when she'd said no.

Watching the boy's face over Alexis' shoulder as she embraced him, she wondered if her own reaction to the teen had been so obvious to any observers. The way his eyes widened in surprise told that he had been expecting a reprimand, but then his features relaxed as he pulled her in tight and started talking softly. Kate couldn't make out the words, but wouldn't be surprised if he was repeating the same things Kate had said in the same situation less than an hour before.

Alexis still had her phone in her hand, sniffling into Ashley's shirt when it began to emit a chime that was a simple delicate tinkling of bells. Kate watches as Alexis' spine went instantly straight as she pushed away from Ashley and almost dropped her phone in her haste to pull up the message.

"Kate." she said, sounding breathless and shocked. Beckett was almost scared to move, to find out what horrible thing they would be adding to the list of events for the day.

Without a word she moved to the teens and took the phone from Alexis' hand, not sure why but thinking she saw something akin to relief in the girl's eyes. It took a moment for her brain to register what she was looking at. In the time it took her to examine the picture and read the words three times to get it to sink in, Alexis had grasped Ashley's hand and was right back at the reception desk explaining the situation to the nurse who had been on duty the past hour.

It was Twitter. She finally realized. She was looking at a post from Twitter.

The picture of an open wound in the process of being stitched closed with the text above reading, 'Got the bad guy. Saved the girl. And I get to keep this SWEEEET battle scar! Hey, Doc, is that my spleen or a kidney?'

She couldn't stop herself from laughing with her relief. She made her way over to find the nurse still giving Alexis the run around. Her attitude was curt, bordering on unprofessional and she had been becoming increasingly unfriendly every time that Alexis went up to ask if there was any news.

"You listen to me," Alexis cut her off as she leaned in close to make a point of examining the woman's name tag, "Darcy. I don't know if you realize what you're doing, but the fact that you have left us out here in a near panic while my Dad is in a room somewhere fine enough to crack jokes and take pictures makes me wonder if you ever even called back to check on him."

The nurse opened her mouth to respond but Alexis cut her off with a hand gesture.

"No, either you will hear me out or you can find whoever runs this freaking circus and I can have these words with them." When the nurse didn't make a move to speak or call anyone else, Alexis nodded once. "Maybe you didn't hear me correctly when I told you that my father, Richard Castle, was brought in via ambulance over an hour ago. Maybe you didn't realize that my family and our friends pay enough into this hospital that if we were to blacklist it for donation then you and at least a third of the staff here would be looking for another job. Something you obviously need because you lack even the most basic human compassion."

The nurse looked completely pissed now, but Alexis wasn't through with her.

"Now, you are either going to open that door," Alexis gestured towards the secure doors that doctors had been swiping for entry through the whole time they'd been waiting, "and tell me where my father is, or I'm going straight upstairs to talk about the impact of this emotional trauma on my poor young psyche with the head of Emergency, the head of this hospital, and every single lawyer that my father keeps on retainer."

"Room 128." the nurse said, then her frustration obviously won out as she added, "Just family." with a sharp look at Beckett and Ashley as she reached under her desk and pushed a button that started the automatic doors opening.

"You might want to get together some kind of formal papers defending your side of these events. My mother and I will be in with my dad." Kate knew from the way Alexis had said it that she was just trying to make it easier for the nurse to let them pass through, but on top of everything else, the words brought fresh tears to her eyes. She blinked them away quickly and realized Alexis hadn't made mention of Ashley's relation, but the young man was not letting go of her hand.

The doors were finally open enough to step through as Beckett dialed the number her fingers had wanted to call for the last hour, but she had been so sure it would be pointless.

"Hey, Pumpkin!" Castle's excited and obviously drugged voice called through the receiver and she realized she still had Alexis' phone.

"It's Beckett." she responded. "The evil gate keeper has finally let us through. Make sure you're modestly covered because Alexis is with me."

x.x.x

A/N: OK, you all win; I couldn't leave you hanging another night.

Review that made my day: KnitterJen, I'm glad that made sense to you. I was trying to draw on the odd thoughts that bounced through my head the one time I found myself with a loved one in a potentially life threatening situation. I went in an ambulance with my daughter when she was two and had a seizure in the middle of my sister's living room. Watching her not breathing sent me into a panic, blood racing, thoughts a mess, yeah, it wasn't pretty. She's all good now, childhood seizures and none in almost two years, but that feeling is still fresh from several years before.

On a side note, they made me ride in the front of the ambulance for liability purposes, so that's why Beckett was relegated to the front as well. Plus, I had to keep her in the dark somewhat about his injuries for this to play out how I wanted it to.

Thanks to everyone for reading.