Author's Note: The Ship's Closet has officially PREMIERED, and you can see it here: http://www. Youtube .com/watch?v=lImwscLMUWM

It's gotten rave reviews, over almost 350 subscribers, and just a tidal wav o' love from everyone, which is such a freaking RELIEF to me.

I love the world.

P.S. – Octoliebe! We're in a Slash Drought! No worries, though, it won't last very long, and there is so much goodness on the other side. I can't even begin to describe it. No really, people. Whoa.

P.P.S. – This project has now received over 800 reviews. The name of the 800th reviewer was 'mmmHerpesFlavour.'

That probably makes me laugh a little more than it should.

Season Two, Episode Seven: Wolf in the Fold

We open on a beautiful belly dancer with a SHIT TON of eye make up on and an outfit covered in really long Christmas tree 'icicles' doing her sexy little dance for a small crowd.

(((While we don't think twice about seeing this much skin, this was freakin' risqué for the 60s. Just the fact that she's showing her navel alone is eyebrow-raising because up until recently showing your freakin' navel was expressly forbidden, and this is how they decided to open the freakin' episode.

Freakin'.)))

We get a nice pan shot of the cozy little club until we land on Kirk, McCoy and Scotty sitting around a table and enjoying the show. Scotty voices his love for the place, and McCoy tosses in a comment about how this society (the Argelians) are a hedonistic society (they put pleasure above all else, hence the almost naked dancing lady).

(((What I like is that the dancer has a gorgeous, healthy body. She's not stick thin and hot DAMN she doesn't need to be. Whew.)))

They watch a little more, and we see Scotty's big ol' smile, and then Kirk's pleased grin as well.

(((Yes, Kirk is enjoying the show. Yes, that is perfectly natural. No, that does not mean he can't be attracted to/falling in love with Spock.

Bisexuality. It has its advantages.)))

Kirk: "You like her, Scotty?"

Scotty: "Aye. Why shouldn't I?"

Kirk: "Good. I've invited her to join us at the table. I thought you might like to meet her."

(((Note that he's invited the girl over for someone else. Fascinating.)))

And then the lovely dancer shimmies on over to the boys' table and shakes her money maker for them a little bit before heading back to the stage, but not before getting a strange, kind of half-jealous look from a guy at a nearby table. We shall call him Smoosh Nose.

The chick finishes her dance, and goes back to the boys' table to have a seat. Smoosh Nose doesn't like this very much, gets up, and leaves.

Scotty takes about .2 seconds to lay the Scottish charm on the dancer. Kirk has a pretty amused expression on his face, like 'Oh, there he goes with the flirting.'

(((Like you're one to talk, Kirk, with all the shameless flirting you unleash on Spock.)))

Scotty and the dancer soon excuse themselves to go for a little stroll outside.

Kirk: "My work is never done."

McCoy: "My work, Jim. This is prescription stuff. Don't forget the explosion that threw Scotty against the bulk cannon was caused by a woman."

Both Kirk and McCoy check out another dancer as she walks by.

(((I think it's interesting that it's a one time writer that has Kirk do blatantly hetero stuff.)))

Kirk: "Physically, he's all right. Am I right in assuming that?"

McCoy: "Oh yes, yes. As a matter of fact, considerable psychological damage could have been caused. For example, his total resentment towards women."

Kirk: "He seems to be overcoming his resentment."

(((Ooooh, okay, so Scotty was hurt because of a chick and they brought him to a place with pretty girls because he had developed a resentment towards women which has now been cured by a belly dancer, which would be why Kirk invited the chick over in the first place. Got it.)))

Kirk: "Bones, I know a little place across town where the women-"

McCoy: "Oh yes, I know the place, I know the place, let's go."

(((Where the women what? Dance naked? Offer free fellatio? Dress up like Vulcans? WHAT?!?!!)))

Kirk and McCoy leave the club and head out into a very foggy night. They don't get very far before a woman screams and this instantly triggers the Hero Switch and they dash off to find the source of the scream. What they find is the dancer that Scotty was with, dead from being stabbed a dozen times.

(((Not quite the poke we all thought he was gonna give her…)))

In a corner, however, is…Scotty! Holding a knife! And it's bloody! And he looks completely out of it! And now here come the titles! AHHHH!!!!

(((This is another episode that was penned by a one-time Star Trek writer, so we really can't expect him to have been in on the whole K/S thing. It wasn't something you could tell just anyone, obviously.)))

On the planet, Kirk and McCoy are talking to a bald guy named Hengist, who's the Chief City Administrator and is currently in charge of the investigation.

(((Hey, it's that guy! You know, that bald guy that's been in a bunch of stuff, very recognizable voice. I can't remember where I know him from though…hm.)))

They chat about how there aren't many people to help with the investigation because murders don't really happen around such a happy place, Hengist isn't originally from this planet, etc. Hengist picks up the murder weapon and holds it in front of Scotty, who's still a bit dazed and confused about the whole thing since he doesn't remember anything about what happened, just that he was leading the way then he heard the girl scream.

Kirk tries to press him to remember, and McCoy pulls Kirk aside. They have a mini-debate about how Kirk has a diplomatic responsibility, since it happened in the planet's jurisdiction he has to go along with whatever the Argelians decide to do, McCoy insists that Scotty couldn't have done it and he's not in very good condition.

(((This is a good example of Kirk not letting his friendships get in the way of his responsibility as a Captain because, well he's a Captain. He's gonna stand up for Scotty as much as possible, but he's not about try and mess with the people's system until the last possible moment.)))

Hengist then says how it's a bit weird that Scotty remembers nothing, but only his fingerprints are on the weapon.

Kirk: "What's the law in these cases?"

Newcomer to the Party: "The law of Argelius is love."

They turn to see a bearded gentlemen whose hair looks like a cross between Sean Connery and Wolverine. Hengist introduces the guy as the planet's Prefect, Jaris. Jaris introduces his wife, Sybo.

Jaris takes a look at Scotty.

Jaris: "He does not look like a man capable of such an act. Still, it's been so long. Gentlemen, before our Great Awakening two hundred years ago, we had ways of learning the truth in such matters. We shall return to them."

McCoy: "The Argelian empathic contact?"

(((The Magellan pathos who what?)))

Jaris then explains that his wife is a descendant of ancient priestesses who are like super amazing at the hocus pocus shit, and invites everyone over to his place for the big Empathic Contact party.

As they arrive at Jaris' place, Kirk is all 'So your wife has empathic abilities and that's just adorable, but I could beam a technician down here with an instrument that could really do something' and McCoy explains that a psycho-tricorder will offer a detailed account of what exactly Scotty's been up to in the past 24 hours.

Hengist is against the idea because this is an Argelian matter and we don't need no stinkin' tricorder, but Jaris doesn't see anything wrong with it. I mean shit, the wife's gotta meditate for a while anyway, might as well do something useful. Yes? What?

Kirk calls Spock (who's in command of the Enterprise, obviously) and gives the order, while McCoy makes sure there's a place where the tricorder can be used in private, since nobody can be around when it's in use.

Oooookay cliff's notes…Jaris is worried because this incident has gotten around town and is uber depressing…might have to cut off travel to the planet…the planet is a strategic space port…Hengist leaves to go round up some suspects…a cute little blonde yeoman beams down with the psycho-tricorder thing…Jaris takes Scotty and the yeoman off to a private room…Kirk and McCoy talk about the possibility of amnesia brought on by guilt…Jaris comes back and oh hey his wife is ready for the empathic shit…the murder weapon has disappeared oh noes…a scream…the yeoman's been stabbed to death…Scotty's passed out…so…yeah, nothing too big happens before commercial…

…back from commercial…Scotty is given a drink that wakes him up and he has no idea what happened…Scotty is absolutely precious in his denial and having absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on…Hengist brings in a couple of dudes….hey look it's Smoosh Nose!

Kirk recognizes the bigger guy who's not Smoosh Nose and points him out.

Kirk: "You…you were a musician at the café. You played for the murdered girl."

Musician: "Since she was a little girl, she danced for me."

(((WHOA pedophile!)))

Musician: "She was my daughter."

(((WHOA incestuous pedophilia!)))

Kirk also recognizes Smoosh Nose as the dude who left the café just before Scotty and the Dead Dancer did.

(((Kirk has mad observation skillz.)))

Turns out Smoosh Nose was the Dead Dancer's jealous fiancé. Kirk offers up that jealousy has often been a motive for murder and Jaris is like 'Uh, duh, that's why we think it's icky.'

(((Kirk is still very much on the path of Prove Scotty Innocent, despite the overwhelming evidence that Scotty is guilty. Sure, he's gotta stand up for a member of his crew, but we know that he's Scotty's friend too so it's a touch heartwarming.)))

(((Oh, and I don't actually think the musician dude was a pedophile, he just paused long enough for my mind to jump down into the gutter.)))

McCoy comes back to say that the only other point of entry to the room where the yeoman was killed, a gate, may or may not have been picked, but it's impossible to tell. Kirk looks around for a second then demands that Smoosh Nose prove his innocence.

(((Now he's starting to grasp at straws.)))

Jaris comments on how Kirk seems to be getting a touch desperate to save his friend, but that desperation could also come from trying to hold onto a strategic outpost too. Sybo speaks up and says that she's ready…again. They all sit down, and Kirk demands that, before the empathic stuff begins, the room be sealed. Jaris obliges and Spock calls Kirk, requesting a private word, so Kirk walks ten feet across the room.

(((Apparently Argelians have sucky hearing.

…or…

Yay 60s.)))

Spock gives his opinion that the whole Argelian empathic stuff is fun and great for parties, but it's not badass enough to really count on, especially when it comes to life or death.

Kirk: "What do you suggest, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Simply that we beam Mr. Scott on board the Enterprise and employ our computers to learn the truth."

Kirk: "These are proud people. They have their own customs, their own laws, and while we're here we're subject to them. It is absolutely imperative this matter be resolved according to Argelian law. Is that clear?"

Spock: "Quite clear, captain."

Kirk: "I don't like it anymore than you do, Spock, but there's nothing we can do about it. Kirk out."

(((Now Spock's last line looks pretty run of the mill, but Kirk could tell from his tone alone that he was not a happy Vulcan, so Kirk made sure that he knew he was just as unhappy about it as he was to make him feel better.

It's small, but still sweet.)))

So they start the séance- I mean the empathic, er, thing, and Sybo immediately feels something.

Sybo: "Yes…there's something here…something terrible…"

(((So a copy of Twilight is killing women?

…………………

Makes sense.)))

Sybo: "I can feel its presence…fear, anger, hatred…anger feeds the flame…there is evil here…monstrous, terrible evil…consuming hunger…"

(((Okay, show, so is it Twilight or Oprah? Make up your mind already.)))

Sybo: "Hatred of all that lives…hatred of women…a hunger that never dies…it is strong…overpowering…an ancient terror…it has a name…baradis kesla rejik, devouring all life, all light, a hot hunger that will never die…rejik…Rejik!!"

The lights go out! Someone screams!

(((Did I change the channel to 'Clue' without realizing it?)))

The lights come back on. Scotty is holding Sybo, who's a touch dead on account of the knife in her back.

Transition to later. Kirk and McCoy stand in front of Scotty. Now it's getting a little hard to defend Scotty when there's been THREE murders and he's the only logical suspect. McCoy insists that he couldn't have done it, but Kirk is starting to go with the theory that Scotty's bump on the head could have knocked the switch from Scottish BAMF to Kill Teh Wimmins. Hengist agrees with that theory and Jaris shuts them all up for a second to wonder how anyone could do such a thing.

Scotty swears in the most endearing way possible that he didn't do it, and then Kirk makes the request that they all go to the Enterprise and use the computers to really get down to the bottom line once and for all.

(((This was clearly the very last resort.)))

Jaris agrees to beam on up, but makes sure that we all know the penalty for murder on his planet is death by slow torture. Good times.

Back from commercial, where Kirk is explaining to everyone in a briefing room exactly what's gonna go person on the stand will have their hand on a lie detector so they'll know when a person is, you know, lying. Scotty's the first one up, and they find out that Scotty's not suffering from any kind of amnesia. Kirk suggests that he's lying then, but Scotty insists, again, that he doesn't remember a thing and the computer says he's telling the truth. Scotty then explains that he does remember what happened before Sybo's murder. The lights went out, he went forward to see if Sybo was okay, but there was something in the way.

Kirk: "Something…you mean someone."

(((Heeheeheeheheeeeee, I don't know why that tickles me so much whenever they have him say a line like that, but it just does.)))

Scotty then explains that it was something, and it was cold and icky and not really there in a way if that makes sense, which it doesn't.

Kirk comes right out and asks Scotty if he killed Sybo. Scotty says no.

Hengist: "He's been saying that right along. It means no more now than it did before."

Kirk: "Scotty, lie to me. How old are you?"

Scotty: "22, sir."

Computer: "Inaccurate. Inaccurate. Data in error."

Hengist shuts up.

(((I love this because Kirk is so super quick to resolve the matter, and he stays completely calm and sails right through like it was barely a blip on the radar. Sure, it was a simple problem with a simple solution, but he didn't even stop to argue. He was just like, 'Okay, this guy has a problem, here's why his problem isn't really a problem, and we're moving on."

He wears power and competence with incredible ease in both complex and basic situations, and that is sexy.)))

Aaaaaand more Cliff's Notes…Scotty was near Kirk and Smoosh Nose after Sybo was murdered but Scotty was the only one holding the knife and dead chick…Scotty is telling the truth when he says he doesn't remember if he killed the other two chicks…Hengist says this whole thing is a waste of time…Kirk orders a full psycho-tricorder work up and Hengist reluctantly agrees that the results would be sufficient…Jaris has to shut Hengist up and say that they'll take Kirk's word that the computers, you know, WORK…we start to get some quick shots of Spock reacting to this whole thing…Smoosh Nose is put on the stand…he admits to being angry that night…Spock chimes in and asks if he was angry enough to do violence…he swears that he could never do violence, especially to her…the musician dude stands up and calls bullshit…awww, his daughter never loved Smoosh Nose…Smoosh Nose was jealous all the time…he denies having killed anyone and the computer says he's telling the truth…Smoosh Nose leaves the stand.

Kirk goes over to Spock and starts musing about the presence Sybo was talking about before she died.

(((He's got a room full of people and he wanders over to Spock to put their heads together. Lovely.)))

Between Kirk, Spock and McCoy they remember the seemingly nonsensical words she said right before she was killed and Spock puts the word Rejik through the computer. The computer eventually tells them that the word Rejik is actually the name of a killer from 20th century Earth, only his Earth name was Jack the Ripper.

(((Yup. You read correctly.)))

From there everyone figures out that the culprit behind this whole thing is an entity with an incredibly long life span that can inhabit any living thing it wants and literally feeds off of fear.

(((Kirk has another "someone or something" line too. Happiness.)))

Long story short (too late): Hengist is possessed by the entity known as Rejik and was the one to kill all the women.

(((I can't remember if I figured it out before the show told me or not, but I'm pretty sure I caught on fairly late in the game. The whole alternate explanation of Jack the Ripper is pretty nifty, too. Yay creativity.)))

Hengist makes a mad dash for the door.

(((Or really, Hengist's body double makes a mad dash for the door. It is, hands down, the most laughable body double we've seen on the show so far, what with him being HUGE in comparison to the actor, and wearing a bald cap that's not even on correctly.

Yay. 60s.)))

Kirk punches Hengist out, and it kind of kills him on the spot, so that's a little weird.

Rejik leaves Hengist and takes over…the ship's computer!! AHHH!!!!

Rejik is laughing maniacally, and the display has been taken over by pretty colorful smoke which is menacing in a way kind of ish. Spock makes the note that they won't simply be killed because Rejik feeds off fear, so it'll try to scare the shit out of them first. Kirk makes an announcement to the ship.

Kirk: "All hands, this is the captain. Stay at your posts, remain calm. Captain out."

(((I suppose that was better than the alternative message: A MURDEROUS ENTITY IS CONTROLLING THE SHIP AND IT'S GONNA TRY TO SCARE YOU BUT DON'T GET SCARED 'CAUSE IT LIKES THAT SO JUST CHILLAX PEOPLE KTHXBAI.)))

Kirk then orders for McCoy to give tranquilizers to the entire crew so they won't get scared, and goes off to save the day (but not before he orders Spock to join him).

As Kirk and Spock head down the hall, they start to hatch a plan to make the computer try to solve a huge math problem to keep it occupied while they try to figure out how the crap they're gonna get Rejik out of it.

As they head into the turbolift, the door almost closes on Spock.

Kirk: "Spock!"

(((I don't care how many times they do it, when they call out each other's name when the other is in danger, I will always smile. Always.)))

Clearly Rejik is trying to scare them, and continues to do so by sending the turbolift into a free fall. Our boys remain perfectly calm, though, as they switch it to manual and head to the bridge, with life support systems malfunctioning along the way.

(((Spock staying calm is one thing, he's half Vulcan, but Kirk staying completely calm is pretty darn impressive. Does he EVER lose his cool?

Sure he does.

When Spock is in danger. XD )))

They get to the bridge, Sulu gives a report, Rejik tries to scare everyone with over-the-top voice acting, and Spock gets down on the ground to look at the ship's circuits. Kirk joins him.

(((There's something very 'boys at a camp-out' about Kirk getting on his stomach and lying next to Spock as they peek in on the inner workings of the ship. It's just…cute.)))

Spock temporarily restores life support, and gets to work on giving the computer a huge math problem to deal with.

(((Hm, Uhura's missing in this episode too. I remember reading somewhere that it was because she had an affair with Roddenberry and when things didn't go well he tried to have her kicked off the show…but I have no idea where I heard that so take it with a grain of salt.)))

Rejik tries some more spooky maniacal laughter and sadistic promises. Everyone on the bridge (except for Kirk and Spock) is given Hypos full of Happy and pretty soon they're all loopy as can be.

Spock then tells the computer to compute Pi to the last digit, because he's a clever little bastard. Kirk and Spock head back to the briefing room, where everyone except McCoy and Jaris has been given proper Hypos full of Happy.

Rejik jumps out of the computer then, but they can't tell where it's landed this time.

Kirk: "Bones, what would happen if that thing entered a tranquilized body?"

McCoy: "Well it might take up knitting, nothing more violent than that."

(((I love you so fucking much, DeForest. You could make anything hilariously snarky at any time, and yet not seem like a jerk. ::hails:: )))

Kirk orders McCoy to tranquilize himself, he does, and then Jaris kind of attacks Kirk because he's kind of possessed by Rejik. Whups.

Fortunately Spock pops right in with a good ol' Vulcan Nerve Pinch and Jaris goes down like a sack of potatoes. Rejik jumps from Jaris back into Hengist and puts a knife to a young yeoman's throat. Kirk executes a masterful judo throw and Hengist is down for the count.

(((That throw was really done by Shatner, too. His stunt work, when they let him do it and not a stunt double, was actually quite well done. Bravo, Shatner.)))

Spock tranquilizes Hengist, which tranquilizes Rejik. Now he's giggling while he's promising to kill everyone.

(((And everyone with a morbid sense of humor giggles right along with him.

Myself included.)))

Kirk hoists Hengist up on his shoulder and Spock accompanies him as they head down the hall to the transporter room.

(((It's a pretty damn funny shot. Kirk's expression is made of subtle hilarity.)))

They lay him down on the transporter and beam him into deep space.

Scotty and McCoy join the party, laughing and giggling from the Hypo of Happy. Spock explains that Rejik will probably exist as a bunch of particles, but will be pretty powerless, and McCoy and Scotty are…still giggling.

Kirk: "Bones, how long will it take for this tranquilizer to wear off?"

McCoy: "Oh, I don't know, five or six hours. I gave 'em a pretty big shot, Jim."

(((The way he says that last bit, while just genuinely laughing, cracks me UP.)))

Kirk: "Well, Mr. Spock, for the next five or six hours we're gonna have the happiest crew in space. Of course we won't get much work done…"

Spock: "Captain, since you came to Argelius to rest, I would suggest you take advantage of the opportunity."

(((…just what kind of rest are you talking about, Mr. Spock? It feels like there's more to his suggestion that he hasn't said yet, like he has something specific in mind. Now that 'something specific' is most likely absolutely harmless, like "Hey let's go play chess" or something. Still, I can't help but wonder what Spock had in mind.)))

Kirk walks over to Spock.

Kirk: "That's a splendid idea, Mr. Spock. I know a café where the women are so-"

McCoy: "I know the place, Jim!"

(((Women that are so WHAT?!?!?! What is so amazing about these women that you can't let Kirk freaking say it?!?!?!)))

Scotty: "Let's go see!"

Kirk: "You gentlemen, in your condition? Don't be ridiculous. Mr. Spock, this café has women that are so…"

(((ARE THESE WOMEN JUGGLING TRANSVESTITE BABOONS FROM ZANZIBAR???!?!?! TELL ME!!!! GAWD!)))

(((Also, Kirk's line delivery is very much 'no no, you guys can't go, leave me alone, I'm asking Spock out.'

Which is exactly what Kirk is doing right now. They might have him asking Spock to a club where the women are apparently juggling transvestite baboons from Zanzibar, but Kirk is still asking Spock to go somewhere, and that makes me smile.)))

He trails off when he notices Spock's dead pan 'yeah, right' expression.

(((Spock looks like he thinks Kirk is insane for thinking that he would enjoy looking at women. I guess Vulcans wouldn't appreciate that kind of a café…but still…fascinating.)))

Kirk: "No I guess not."

(((Kirk can be remembering the whole 'Oh yeah he's a Vulcan' thing, but it could just as easily be taken for the 'Oh yeah you don't like women so much' thing.

Now Spock's not gay, he just seems to not like women very much, so he leans towards men.)))

Kirk looks around.

Kirk: "Alone?"

Kirk abandons the idea and they all leave the transporter room.

(((Does anybody else notice the fact that Kirk and Spock will basically be left to entertain themselves while the crew comes down from the tranquilizers? I would have loved to see what they did to pass the time (and for once I don't mean that in a pervy way).)))

(((So hmm, Spock seemed like he was about to ask Kirk to do something, and Kirk just asked Spock if he wanted to do something, but they ended up missing the boat on both occasions. That's quite a nifty way to the end show, I feel.)))

End of Episode!

(((OMFG HENGIST IS THE VOICE OF PIGLET. WE JUST HEARD PIGLET TALK ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE. THAT IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK. HOLY. CRAP.)))

Score of Happy:

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 3