Sherlock's eyes widened like saucers, did John really think that of him? He would never, at least he was certain, that he would never try and take his own life. Yes he was quite depressed over everything that had happened but not enough to leave John and this world forever, they were both far too interesting.
"John...I swear it was an accident" Please believe me John..
John breathed a sigh of relief and struck up the courage to look Sherlock in the eyes. He saw there, sincerity and this calmed his heart. So it had been an accident then, that was good, well not good but at least now he knew his friend wasn't suicidal. "Then...why Sherlock? Were you just reckless? Why did you start using again?" You were going so well, I don't understand.
"...I wanted to forget" I wanted to make the pain go away...
"Forget what's happened?" Oh Sherlock...
Sherlock nodded.
"I just wanted to forget it never happened because I can't sleep. When I close my eyes I see it happening and it's always so much worse in dreams then in real life. And sometimes...sometimes he's alive again John and everything is as it used to be and should be but then I wake up and suddenly the realisation comes crashing down that I will never see him again, never hear his voice, condescending or no, never again being relaxed in the knowledge that he is watching over me, over us. There is not one else who is like me anymore John, who really understand how I do what I do..me and Mycroft were the same in many ways and now he's gone. And...I just can't deal with that John...so I took the drug to forget, to have a dreamless sleep but I was tired and I guess I took too much."
Neither had looked at the other during this speech, it was the most Sherlock had spoken since the explosion. Now John truly understood and he was glad that Sherlock had had the courage to get this off his chest because one look at him told him that he too was relieved to have spoken of his grief. Tears were present in both their eyes as they so often had been during this entire ordeal. John held Sherlock's hand in his own, reassuring his friend and himself.
"I don't blame you for wanting to forget Sherlock... but this wasn't the way to do it. You won't ever forget..I know I never have, I still remember the faces of my friends lost in war, I still dream about it. Yes I may miss the war in some ways but I wish with all my heart that I didn't have to see the faces of my dead comrades when I close my eyes. I can't promise that this will get any easier, but I can promise that you don't have to deal with this pain alone. Promise me you'll talk to me, ok Sherlock?"
Sherlock closed his eyes, he didn't deserve John, not really but he was so glad to have him in his life, that he couldn't even express it in words. With Mycroft gone, he felt this even more, John was the only brother he had left now, the only person on this earth who truly understood him. Of course he'd tell him.
"I promise John"
"Good, now focus on getting better, we still have a holiday to finish!"
"Only if I choose the next place to visit, somewhere not horribly populated with boring tourists and no tour guides! I swear the last one was such an imbecile if you had not been there I would have thrown my guide book in his face"
John laughed, the image coming easily to his mind. "Alright, but nothing morbid or too obscure, this is my holiday too"
"I can't promise you anything except that it will not be boring"
"Thats all I ask mate"