A/N: Not much to say. Almost 17. Finished school year. Still accepting pics for the last scene of previous chapter.

Also, this came up a few times in the reviews. There was no Spanish in the last chapter because, when you are that close to the border, you can almost always get away without running into someone who doesn't speak English. Sakura just assumed she'd need Kakuzu's Spanish skillz because, like most people, she had assumed everyone in Mexico can't speak English.

Disclaimer: Pee-shawwww

Scrumdidileeumptious

Chapter 35

The Strippers are Ninjas

Before Deidara could become royally pissed off at me and make me entirely depressed, I decided to numb myself up a bit. So I grabbed the closest bottle of blackberry wine (which was at my feet as bottles of blackberry wine are always nearby in this place) and chugged half of the large bottle. I might need to worry about alcohol poisoning soon…

"Sakura…" Deidara growled, his face still being pressed into his cake by my hand.

I waited to respond after half the contents of the glass bottle had disappeared down my throat and all my effort to care had gone with it. "Yea?"

"This is a great cake, un." He said around the cake.

I smiled and it felt like a victory. We were definitely besties again! "Then you're going to love your present." I told him, smiling evilly.

Deidara's head popped up, covered in icing and globs of cake. "Presents!" He cheered, and leapt over the table to where the presents were waiting. "Which one is from you, un?" He asked eagerly.

"The ones wrapped in the sombrero paper!" I told him, just as excited because I get really excited when people open presents I got them. I just do.

Deidara tore the paper from the first package of C4 and upon seeing the explosive, clay material, he had a massive flip out. I was almost convinced that he and Tobi had switched bodies, seeing how he was freaking out so much over just some C4. But, then he hugged me in a vice like grip, thanking me over and over again, and I suddenly didn't care. My bestie was my bestie again and nothing was going to come between us.

Well, except a cadaver.

"What is this?" Sasori asked, shoving his wrapped gift between Deidara and me.

I didn't blame him. It did look quite ominous when wrapped…

"Reference material." I told him, hands on hips, glaring at him for interrupting me and Deidara's hug.

Sasori gave me a confused look and unwrapped the cadaver. He stared at it for a long time in absolute silence. Finally, he said, with a wicked smirk: "Pablo."

"Screw you!" Kisame yelled.

"Kiss it." Sasori commanded Kisame, holding out the cadaver to him.

"You sick bastard!" Kisame screamed in horror and disgust, backing away quickly. He backed into a life sized sculpture of the lifeguard named Pablo from the YMCA that had tried to revive Kisame back at the mall. It was a sculpture, of course, that Deidara had just created from his new C4.

Kisame took one look at it, and he was out the balcony, over the edge, and in the pool of the hotel next door.

In addition to my gifts, the boys received a present from everyone else. Deidara got cherry bombs from Hidan, a muffin with a heart on it from Tobi, an 'I.O.U.' from Kakuzu, all of his summer assignments done in full from Itachi, painting material from Konan and the same from Zetsu, colored henna ink from Temari and the same from Pein who had stolen it from Kakuzu who was not pleased, a large, raw fish from Kisame, and some bits of string from Sasori. The kind of bits of string that you put in bombs and light on fire and they burn, leading the spark to the bomb, thus setting the bomb off. Why didn't I think of that?

Sasori received three Pinocchio dolls, one from Kisame, one from Hidan, and one from Konan. He got a Barbie from Tobi, and 'I.O.U.' from Kakuzu, his summer assignments from Itachi, a pocket knife from Pein, a large plank of wood from Temari, a baby tree from Zetsu (the tree was later named Fabio), and another cadaver from Deidara. Great minds think alike, huh? Deidara's cadaver was a girl though, so we named her Paulette.

We then made Pablo Cadaver and Paulette Cadaver facebook pages and married them and in their 'interests' box they both said that they enjoy making out with Kisame.

Kisame, who was still in the pool next door, was not pleased as we yelled all this news down to him from the balcony.

-PabloxPaulette forEVAHZ-

3rd Person P.O.V.

The next morning found Sakura Haruno being mistaken for some kind of teddy bear. There were no less than nine men clinging to her in some way. Plus two girls. And two cadavers. One cactus. A baby tree. A rather large sculpture so a lifeguard. Let's just say some sort of love-fest, orgy-about-to-happen was going on in the upstairs apartment of the tattoo and piercing shop on this humble boardwalk in Southern California.

It's no wonder she woke up, bleary green eyes taking in the strange sight surrounding her. She sat up and a few of the people clinging to her let go and rolled over. Rubbing her messy hair, Sakura stood up fully, went to the restroom, and reemerged looking ready for the day, freshly washed and cleaned, her teeth and hair brushed thoroughly. She went to the kitchen for a glass of water to give her a little relief from her slight hangover.

That darn blackberry wine. It was so good but such a bitch! As she chugged her glass, a tired looking Kakuzu shuffled by. "Where are you going?" She asked as he put on his shoes at the door.

"Bank," He said. "Do you want to come?"

Sakura nodded eagerly because spending time with Kakuzu was becoming less awkward and more interesting. She hadn't known he had a Black Market membership card. What would she find out today? She happily pranced behind him, out of the house, and into Kisame's car.

Across the street, in what can only be described as a 'creeper van', Kabuto smiled from behind his binoculars he'd been using to spy on his pink-haired nemesis. Or, at least, that's what he'd come to think of her as. He despised everything about her. He hated how her gorgeous green eyes sparkled in sunlight, how her pink hair seemed to float and dance with everything she did, he hated that she seemed smart and pretty and social, and he hated, really, really hated, that stupid smile of hers. Who did she think she was? How dare she look that pretty?

No wonder Orochimaru had been interested in her. He couldn't blame the older man, really. He got where he was coming from.

"That slutty little bitch." Kabuto swore as he watched her get into a car with her stitched friend. He always said that, the same line, every time he caught himself thinking about her in a way that wasn't purely vengeful. However, he caught himself thinking about her in a non-vengeful way quite a lot. Thus, he repeated the line 'that slutty little bitch' very often.

He'd seen her with the stitched man yesterday too. "Dating?" He questioned aloud, meaning to sound curious and accidentally sounding depressed.

He turned on the bright side. His new mission was to slowly destroy her happiness. Starting with her boyfriend was a good idea. He turned his creeper van and followed their car to the bank. He parked as far away from them as was possible and watched, through his binoculars, as Sakura and her new boyfriend, or so he thought, emerged from the car and walked towards the bank.

Kabuto noticed, with a sharp dropping of his gut, how happy Sakura looked as she talked with the tanned, tattooed bastard she was mistakenly dating. He could definitely make her that happy, couldn't he? He was Kabuto Yakushi, after all. He was her intellectual equal, if not superior, and he definitely cared more for-

"That slutty little bitch." He repeated and followed them, at a safe distance, into the bank. "Slutty little bitch," he kept muttering over and over and over again as he snuck up behind the pair in line and dropped a small, unloaded revolver into the back pocket of Kakuzu's pants without Kakuzu noticing.

He then backed up to a very noticeable location in the dead center of the bank lobby, pointed in fake shock at Kakuzu and screamed in fake horror "HE'S GOT A GUN!"

-Kabuto is a dick-

Sakura's P.O.V.

"He's been arrested?" Hidan asked in a tone of voice that seemed a little too excited.

"Yeah." I told him. "That bitch that hit me with the ambulance, Kabuto, totally framed him, I'm sure of it. I totally got that creepy vibe from him and he's the one that said Kakuzu had the gun but I know Kakuzu didn't have the gun before. I don't know why he'd a bastard, but he'd definitely a bastard."

"They probably have him locked up at the police center right now. He can't be transferred to a legit prison yet." Itachi informed us, sounding depressed by the arrest of his friend.

"How do we get him out, Pein?" Tobi asked innocently, turning to his leader.

"I don't know, we've never been arrested before…" Pein admitted. Sure, they'd broken the law plenty of times, but they'd never actually been caught.

"Lucky for you, I was prepared." I told him, my face growing dark with mischievous intent. My haphazard prison escape plans Konan, Temari, Bonbon, and I had cooked up in the dead of night. "Who's ready to break Kakuzu out of jail with me?"

"Wait—what?" Sasori asked, dumbfounded by Temari and Konan's conspiratorial glances in my direction.

"Can't we just pay bail for him?" Itachi suggested.

"Yeah, because Kakuzu would totally go along with that." I said sarcastically.

"Well, what do you suggest?" Pein asked skeptically.

"Well, we always figured we'd have to break someone out of jail at some point." I explained, smiling.

"Which plan are we using, Sakura?" Temari asked, excited.

"Number seventeen," I told her, seeming very serious on the surface. "Konan, get the satchel."

That sounded so evil…

"Aye, aye, captain!" Konan cheered and rushed off to the kitchen where the satchel was hidden. Oh, our harebrained schemes from late night sleepovers were so paying off.

"Did you just say 'satchel', un? What's in the satchel, un?" Deidara asked, concerned by the fact that whatever my plan was, it had Itachi trying very hard not to laugh.

"What the fuck is 'number seventeen'?" Hidan inquired, equally concerned.

"Alright!" I declared, ignoring the boys and rolling up invisible sleeves (I was wearing a tank top). "Time to bake the stripper cake!"

"I don't know what this plan is, but… I think I approve." Kisame admitted at the sound of a stripper cake.

"Agreed." Zetsu said, getting me some flour for my stripper cake.

"I'll prepare the slut wear!" Temari yelled, running off to get the proper outfits for Plan #17.

"Good!" I told her, beginning to prepare the stripper cake. "Okay boys," I began, still working on the cake. "This is what you'll need to do…"

-Girls plot at sleepovers, of course! What'd you think we do, have pillow fights?-

3rd Person P.O.V.

Tobi strolled into the police station, calm and cute as you please, pulling a large wagon cart that had a giant cake on it. The police, working at their desks and mulling about in the large lobby and entrance hall in front of the stairway that led to the temporary cells, all stopped at Tobi's entrance, staring at the adorable boy in the eye patch, and his giant cake.

"Can I help you?" A large policeman asked Tobi.

Tobi, completely abusing the use of his one puppy eye, turned up his cuteness factor to mass adorable-ity. The police officer froze at the look on this boy's face. He suddenly wanted to hug Tobi more than he'd wanted to hug anything in his entire life. "I wanted to thank you and your fellow officers for your fine work." Tobi said, his pouty lips making him look much younger than he actually was. "My mother works at the bank you saved this morning. Please accept my undying gratitude in the form of this cake."

And with that, Tobi presented the officer with the handle for the wagon, turned, and skipped away happily. As soon as Tobi was out the door and out of sight, the man looked around as his fellow cops, and declared "CAKE!"

Any officer that wasn't already in the vicinity, immediately appeared there, drawn away from their posts by the promise of delicious sugary cake. Lucky for Sakura, Temari, and Konan, all the police present were male.

As the police gathered round, the second phase of plan number 17 (the first being Tobi presenting the cake) began. Sakura, Konan, and Temari jumped out of the top of the cake wearing skimpy bikini tops and overly short jean bootie shorts. "SURPRISE!" They yelled, striking their best individual stripper poses.

Temari then pulled out a boom box from the depths of the stripper cake and pressed play and some stripper like music, which was just a series of fast beats, began playing and the girls all began dancing in their best stripper-impersonation way.

The cops began to cheer, reaching for wallets and singles wherever they could. The girls got out of their cake and wandered, still dancing, into the crowd of immensely happy police officers. As soon as the cops were in range, they all reached out to the closest one, and pressed their respective cop-victim's pressure points along the collar bone and each of the respective cops immediately fell to the floor, unconscious.

Before anyone could react, the girls had knocked out at least ten more cops in total. All other officers left conscious had the same thought at the same time: the strippers are ninjas.

Sakura, her face deadly serious, sunk into a martial arts pose and faced the cops who were backing away. "Let's dance."

Smiling at how cliché she sounded, she lunged. Temari and Konan followed suit, making their way up the stairs to the temporary cells, leaving a trail of unconscious cops in their wake.

They quickly found Kakuzu. "This is the best sexual experience I've ever had in prison." He said upon seeing the three girls in their faux stripper outfits. Temari and Konan scoffed as Sakura jingled the keys she'd stolen from one of the cop victims. She unlocked his cell, grabbed his hand, and dragged his bemused ass out to the waiting escape car.

Itachi was driving and Kisame was in the car, and they all hopped in, driving at top speed to the docks where Zetsu and Pein were awaiting in the escape chopper. They all leapt into the helicopter and flew away in a very ostentatious fashion before landing at the docks a few towns away where Hidan, Sasori, and Deidara were waiting with Tobi's Tobi Mobile. They all climbed in, leaving the helicopter they'd stolen safe and sound on the dock, and drove back home.

"I think that got them off our tail." Sakura smiled as they all gathered in the living room.

-Number 17 is a SUCCESS-

Sakura's P.O.V.

So, our plan had worked. We'd gotten Kakuzu out of prison and made it so ridiculous that we almost seemed professional as they'd probably call in the feds. And by the time that happened, it'd be time for school again, and we'd all be gone except for Kakuzu, who'd have been cleared of the bogus charges by then (since his prints weren't on the gun and he didn't resist arrest), and Pein, who they hadn't seen.

"For some reason," I began once we'd had celebratory leftover cake from the birthday party last night, "I feel like we should be more concerned about the whole Kabuto thing."

"Hey guys?" Temari called as she came back from the bathroom. "Why's there always a creeper van across the street behind the shop? I thought it was just coincidence the first few times I saw it, but I waved this time, and he drove off in a hurry."

END CHAPTER

A/N: Thank God it took so long to hit 60 reviews. Finals are over now. YAY! And school's out! TIME TO UPDATE AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!

Now: Dear Caeafae's cousin,

Caeafae has informed me that you read and don't review. This has made me cry.

Depressingly sincere,

BitterSweetCrimson AKA ChaCha

Question to reviewers: Kabuto- Yea or ZOMFJ, PLEASE KILL THAT DOUCHE BAG OFF ALREADY or Ew or Err.. I don't really care but I wanna know what you're planning to do with his character?