Author's Note: Thank you so very much for my friend Kathy (kittie8571) who is the Beta of this story!
Thank you everybody for the reviews! Especially to harryeron,style,janice dodd, joetheone, debra, grlewis, Ramona and xoxrelientkxox.
Chapter Thirty Five: The loss of a beloved father
Jack paced around the hospital corridor, looking at the smiling faces of kids on the posters on the wall. Someone should tell the doctors and nurses that the advisements for public heath shouldn't have happy people on them. It was unnerving. Especially when you're feeling so nervous and worried about your loved ones.
He'd had the shock of his life when, upon entering the room where Ennis and his father had gone, he'd found his father unconscious in his boyfriend's arms. He had feared the worst, but after an exchange of words, Ennis had explained to him that his father had passed out on him. Jack understood immediately what was happening. The pain had been so severe that not even his father had been able to endure it.
The drive in the ambulance had been another unforgettable experience. The urge to arrive at the hospital was mixed with the frustration at the driver and the quick and organized work of the paramedics. Enrique had regained consciousness by then, but because of the pain, was mostly silent. He had told Jack that everything was alright and that he needed to forgive him once more. In that moment, Jack had confirmation of what had occurred between Ennis and his father. Enrique had confronted Ennis with his fears about the Twist legacy and had probably stressed himself out too much. But at the moment, none of that, which seemed to have infuriated Jack so many times before, had any value to him. He had quickly reassured his father that everything was alright between them and moved to keep him still.
The paramedics told him that he needed morphine and beyond that, nothing else. His body was losing its battle and the results were quite painful. It was just a matter of time. Jack had thought that after so many therapy appointments and conversations about the inevitable path of death his father was walking, he was ready for this moment. But he hadn't been. He most likely never would be. He cried on the shoulder of the female paramedic and stayed quiet for the rest of the time, waiting for his friends and his uncle to arrive. They had tried to follow the ambulance but it had been impossible because of the usual traffic in New York.
So there he was now, pacing up and down the corridor, feeling like a caged animal. He expected the doctors to give him news soon, but if he was honest with himself, he hadn't the smallest bit of hope. He could predict what was about to come.
"Jack!" Elizabeth said immediately as she entered the corridor.
She was followed by Ennis, who looked more worried than she had sounded and Mary, who looked more shocked than anything else. Jack remembered that Mary didn't like hospitals. She once spent Christmas in bed for fear of going to the doctor because of a nasty cold.
"Hi." Jack said in a low tone. He didn't want to be the one explaining how his father was, but he had no other choice.
"Mr. Dawson took control of the party and told the guests Enrique didn't feel well. Something about being too emotional. I didn't know he knew about Enrique's disease but he acted as if he did." Elizabeth told Jack softly.
"I called your Uncle Daniel and he's coming with Natalie, who stayed at the party." Ennis added.
"How is he?" Ennis asked worried.
"He's stable now. The paramedics said he needed morphine. I guess he had been hiding his real condition for a long time now. The pain was just too much tonight and he passed out."
Everyone knew what this meant and no one knew what to say to Jack. Ennis moved to stay close to him, but Jack seemed distant. He kept thinking about what could the conversation between Ennis and his father had been about before his father passed out. Maybe the only reason Ennis was still here was because of the whole situation that had happened before. These thoughts were driving him crazy and he couldn't stand to be next to Ennis without knowing, but this was definitely not the moment to deal with the future Twist heir business. The older of the Twists was dying and the younger Twist was on the urge of a breakdown.
Twelve hours later, the doctors had finally given permission for someone to visit Enrique. Ennis and Elizabeth were still sitting near Jack and Jack was still avoiding any conversation with them. He felt like being alone and especially away from Ennis. At the same time, he wanted nothing more than to take consolation in Ennis's arms. He felt like he was losing it. Uncle Daniel had also arrived looking as desperate and as crazy as Jack, and he and Jack shared a couple of words. There could only be one visitor and, of course, it would be Jack's chance to talk with his father.
He entered the room shaking, completely aware that this could very well be the last time he ever spoke with his father. It was a perturbing thought, but helped him stay focused on reality.
"Dad?" Jack murmured as he reached the stark white bed. His father looked even more fragile in his green hospital gown, surrounded by the typical white and green of the hospital environment. It was the picture of a living nightmare for Jack, but he needed to be strong for his father.
"Jack, son, is that you?" Enrique asked softly. The doctors had explained to Jack that the morphine in his system would affect his mind and if they needed to increase it, he would soon lose the capacity to speak coherently.
"Yeah, it's me dad. How are you feeling?"
"I feel nothing, which is a relief." He forced a smile on his face and Jack fought back tears.
"It's good to hear your voice, Dad."
"It's good to hear you too. I bet I scared you to death, hmmm?"
"Yeah, you did."
"How was the party?"
"People were confused, but apparently Mr. Dawson told the guests that you got too emotional. They think you just fainted."
"Good, good."
"The doctors told me you should have been more careful, especially about your rest."
"They think I should have come here a month ago. They're crazy! I never would have stayed here for a month."
"They're right and you know it. I should have never let you convince me into this whole party. You needed your rest, not to be surrounded by snobbish people or working long hours to teach me about the financials at the firm."
"I needed to be with you, son, to show you the real world and how it's going to be for you from now on. I couldn't just stay in this hospital."
"I guess I understand, Dad."
"Listen, Jack. You must forgive me, son. I spoke with Ennis, as I'm sure you are well aware now."
Jack really didn't want to have this conversation now. His father was dying and he didn't want for their last words to be about this. He didn't want to know the results of that conversation and he didn't want to fight with his father about it. Yet he remained silent. He had no desire to deny his father anything at the moment.
"You were right. I shouldn't have talked with him, but only because it wasn't necessary. He loves you and everything else will come with time. I trust you to fulfill that dream of mine and I trust Ennis to make you happy."
Jack was shocked. What had Ennis promised to his father? Or worse -- what had his father forced Ennis to promise? But he knew he would never discuss that with his father. This moment was for something else. He was happy to finally see approval in his dad's eyes, even if it had been at the very end. Even if it was the result of a dubious conversation. The happiness and the approval of that look was enough for Jack. It had been worth it because of this moment.
"Thanks Dad."
"Don't thank me son. I'm the one who needs to thank you for this whole life. You saved me…"
"Dad."
"It's the truth, son. You've save me from insanity and a life of miserable loneliness. I owe everything that I am to you. You were so important to me all these years."
"I did nothing dad. You were the one who took care of me."
"And I was happy to do it, Jack. I'd take care of you no matter what."
"I know you will."
"I love you son." Enrique said slowly.
"I love you too."
And their conversation proceeded for the next hour with Jack and Enrique remembering the happy times when Jack was younger and things were different. They didn't talk about the future, since there was really no need. They were living in the moment now, celebrating the time when they still be with each other.
"Mr. Twist?" A short, bald man dressed in white asked him.
Jack recognized him as one of his father's doctors. He prepared himself for the worst, and was not surprised to learn that the worst was already happening. His father was dying.
"Did you speak with him?"
"Yes. He was actually very lucid." Jack sighed. "We said goodbye, since I don't really know if he will ever be this coherent again."
"I have news, although it isn't really news." The doctor said softly. "Your father's condition is stable, but this episode was the result of the progressing of the cancer in his system. We have confirmed that it had metastasized for at least a couple of months. This means that the cancer has progressed into other organs and tissues. Since your father has refused any further treatment, it has developed quickly and it' i now destroying various organs of his body. I'll save you from the details by saying that it's amazing that he lasted this long with the medication he had been prescribed. The pain must have been unbearable."
"He was very stubborn about what he wanted. He didn't want to be in the hospital."
"He can return to his home, Mr. Twist but you would need a fulltime nurse caring for him. Either way, I'm afraid it would be too stressful for his condition. He probably wouldn't make it alive."
"Has he been seen by Dr. Natalie Hall yet? She was more familiar with his condition."
"She's supposed to arrive in a few more minutes."
"She surely knows more about the previous tests and exams. He never let us know much about it."
"I'm sure it won't be necessary."
"Is he in any pain?"
"No, the morphine dose is fairly high. We don't want him to suffer but with this level of drugs in his system, his kidneys won't last long. We're in toxic levels already."
"How much longer?" Jack asked, remembering the distant memory of the day he had asked the same question to his father.
"No more than a day or two. I'm very sorry, Mr. Twist."
"Thanks." Jack mumbled. It was all he could do because the floor under his feet had disappeared and the world around him had been destroyed.
At 5 am the following day, Enrique Twist passed away. His kidneys finally gave up from the long fight of filtering drugs and his body shut down in the following minutes.
The doctors told Jack that he had felt no pain thanks to the morphine, which ironically had been its own silent killer. Jack had been glad for that little mercy. In fact, it was the only thing for which he had been glad during the time that followed Enrique's death.
Jack had quickly hidden himself away from the rest of the world at the Twist mansion. He wasn't in the mood to see anyone, not even his boyfriend or his best friend. Indeed, if it wasn't for Edward and Matilda, he probably would have starved to death during the days following Enrique's funeral. His mind refused to work with his body and Uncle Daniel was forced to take care of all the details related to the funeral all by himself.
The day of the funeral, the city was expecting bad weather. The sky was dark and the climate was cold. Soon there would be rain and the numerous attendants wore their overcoats and brought their umbrellas. The women wore black hats and the men, black ties.
Jack barely stood near the casket at the funeral reception the day before. He could easily remember the faces of all those people who came and went all day. Some of them Jack knew and had been friends of the family for years, others were mere strangers, with whom his father had worked for many years. He heard their condolences, hugged them as they shared with him another story about his father and shared with them salty tears. It had been even worse than on day his father had passed away. He was sure that a part of him died slowly that day, for he had never felt so much pain.
Matilda had helped him get dressed that morning and Edward was the one who bought the suit he was currently wearing. Jack felt like he had no willpower left, as if he was watching a horror movie, completely unable to act on what was happening. He felt almost like a puppet left forgotten on the ground. It was a devastating period of his life and yet he now felt nothing. However, he was looking at the current scene in front of him, of a funeral march and wishing it all to be over as soon as possible. Although he wasn't really sure of what was he going to do next.
The wind had started to blow as soon as they marched inside the cemetery. Jack found himself looking at Ennis, who was walking a few inches away from him. He was wearing a black suit like the rest of the men present. He looked sad and his eyes were focused on a distant, invisible point. Ennis had arrived early that morning at the Twist mansion. He'd walked inside Jack's room and comforted him the best he could, just as he'd done at the hospital the morning his father had died. Ennis hugged him and kissed him, murmuring words of affection. It was supposed to be comforting. Nevertheless, Jack felt nothing. No pain, no love nor sorrow. He had felt nothing.
Even now, Jack kept feeling he had nothing left to feel. And as his eyes moved back to the path in front of him, he remembered his father's words. Enrique, the fighter that he was and had always been, had convinced Ennis during their final conversation or Ennis had convinced him. Jack wasn't sure how it had been. Either way, Ennis had been forced to take a position about the Twistheir. And even about that, Jack felt nothing, probably because even if circumstances were different, he would still not know what to feel.
The only thing he truly knew was that everything around him was wrong. His life, his body, his mind, his feelings and even his whole existence was wrong. And that was the only thing on his mind as he walked with more than 30 people in the direction of the Twist crypt.
Uncle Daniel and his new girlfriend were there. The red haired man was clearly devastated, but he was no longer crying. Jack understood. He also had no tears left to cry. Uncle Daniel had bought one of biggest arrangements of flowers Jack had ever seen. Pink roses and white tulips, on a green perfect circle, with a note saying simply love and friendship. Jack wished he could still cry when he had seen it for the first time.
Elizabeth and Mary were there too. Mary was supporting her blond fiancée, who was sobbing loudly against her. Jack had noticed when Elizabeth had come to talk with him and had taken of his sunglasses that she wasn't even wearing make up. She was barely recognizable. Her hair was messy and her shoes didn't match her purse or her hat. Shocking, for someone who knew her well.
Edward and Matilda were right next to Jack. The couple was hugging each other and sharing words in a low tone. Jack knew they were worried about him. They were the closest thing to family he had next to Uncle Daniel and had known him since he was a little boy. Matilda always knew what was wrong with him, even before Jack sometimes, and he suspected that the same thing was happening now.
His cousin Natalie was next to them, leaving against Robert. She was crying like the little girl she normally looked like and Robert was trying not to do the same, but failing miserably. They had met only a few days prior but had become fast friends due to circumstances.
The Dawsons were there too. Samuel was crying, while Frederic comforted him, a hand on his shoulder. Sarah looked as if taken from a Dolce & Gabana fashion show. Her black clothes had been carefully mixed up with golden accessories.
The members of the board and Enrique's other friends from the firm were also there. The firm had also bought an arrangement of flowers, with an unexpected big note saying law and love. Probably a choice from Elizabeth.
Even some of Enrique's ex-girlfriends were present. It was the moment to say goodbye and show respect. No one was surprised with how many people wanted to do so for his father.
The priest walking in front of them reminded Jack once again that he had lost connection with one of the family's oldest roots -- Christianity. It was due to Jack's grandfather that the family had converted to Christianity. Jack's grandmother had converted when she married his grandfather and had been a very devoted woman all her life. Enrique had taught everything he knew about the church and the religion to Jack, but had never forced him to act on it. Through the years, Jack had understood why, from time to time, his father would disappear on Sunday mornings.
Personally, Jack had always felt that he couldn't follow a religion that didn't accept him as a homosexual or showed prejudice toward things that were new and against tradition. And so, as he followed the priest in front of him, he was left to wonder why he was following it now.
The rain was falling hard and Jack stood under his black umbrella shaking from the cold. Almost all of the people had gone and he was taking the opportunity to run from the worried eyes of Edward and Matilda and all the people who wanted to have one more final word with him. He had only taken a few steps away from them when someone put a hand on his right shoulder, forcing him to turn back.
It was Ennis.
"How are you feeling, baby? Do you need anything?" His voice was soft and his eyes showed the worry of a lover. His curly blond hair was perfectly protected under his own blue navy umbrella.
"No, I don't need anything." He realized that he and Ennis hadn't really spoken these past few days. Ennis had no idea what Jack was thinking.
"Are you going home now?"
"Yeah, I guess." Jack said, feeling weird. Looking at Ennis now was like looking at someone he had known a long time ago instead of his significant other.
"I'll let you rest then. I'm sure Edward and Matilda will take good care of you. I'll stop by tomorrow. That is, unless you want me to go with you."
"There's no need for that."
"Of course there is. I want to help you with this."
"You can't!" Jack snapped at the blond lawyer. Jack couldn't explain why he was acting so irrationally, he wasn't feeling like himself anymore. He was numb.
"Jack, please don't push me away." Ennis said softly. "I know we'll make it through this together. I know we will."
"No, Ennis. Actually, I think it might be better if we don't see each other anymore." Jack was almost as surprised at this statement as Ennis was. He hadn't intended to break it off with Ennis in the middle of his father's funeral, but somehow, the timing felt right.
"What? What are you talking about?" Ennis asked, surprised by this statement from his lover.
"I feel nothing, can you understand that?" Ennis looked at Jack, confused. "The Jack you knew is dead, Ennis. There's nothing left for you here." He tried to move away from Ennis, but Ennis would not allow him to pass.
"Jack, you're devastated, I get that. You're not seeing things clearly." Ennis had a terrified look on his face.
"There's nothing to see. I need some time away. Away from everyone, including you." Jack looked at the horizon. "I know that I love you. Love like the love I felt for you doesn't die. But at this moment, I'm simply incapable of feeling anything. Not even love for you."
"Jack…" Ennis felt physically sick and tears were threatening to fall.
"I don't know myself anymore. How can I go on? What am I going to do next? Am I ever going to survive this?" Jack continued, almost as if he was talking to himself and not carrying on a conversation with his (now former) lover.
"Please Jack. Let me help you. I know I can help you." Ennis sounded so desperate as he held one of Jack's hands in his own.
"No, Ennis. I'm not such a monster to put you through this. How can you want to be with someone who knows nothing? Who feels nothing?"
"Let me at least try!"
"You're a good man, Ennis. I won't do that to you."
"I love you, Jack." Ennis was sobbing and Jack was surprised to feel tears running down his cheeks. He hadn't been able to cry all day.
"You won't anymore if you stay with me." Jack whispered.
"Please, don't…" Ennis said.
"I'm sorry, Ennis. I may not feel it now, but I know I will."
"Jack…" Ennis held him against him, as if afraid to let him go. "I love you so much."
"Goodbye, Ennis." Jack said, walking away in the direction of the exit, but his eyes kept searching for Ennis as if betraying his determination.
Edward and Matilda followed him quickly. Matilda spared a worried look at Ennis and Edward nodded their goodbyes. Ennis hoped they would take good care of Jack.
"I'll wait for you, Jack. I swear…" Ennis murmured to the wind.
And as he stood there next to that tree, umbrella forgotten in his right hand, rain falling against his face and mixing with his tears, Ennis promised himself that his relationship with Jack Twist couldn't possibly be over. Because in his heart, he was sure. He was certain that there was no one else for him. There was no love stronger than this.
End of part one
Author: Don't kill me, please! I hope I'll post the sequel next Thursday. And to make it up to all of you I'm also posting the rewritten chapters eleven, twelve, thirteen and fourteen today. Whit a new slash scene on chapter eleven! Go read it...
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