"Not bad for a couple of virgins," she says playfully and his recently recovered heart freezes in his chest. She thinks … oh no. Force, no! He fails utterly at keeping the dismay from his face.

"Kylo?"

He looks away. How is he going to tell her this?

"Kylo?" she prods with a tinge of worry.

He tries to hold her eyes, but he can't. "Rey … there's been a misunderstanding."

She draws back and props herself up on one elbow. "What do you mean?" she asks warily. He still has an arm draped loosely across her waist.

He can feel his release seeping through the cloth still covering him and he would give anything, anything at all to be able to go back in time. He feels like he's taken liberties under false pretenses. Would she have let him touch her like that if she'd known? Force, he's angry with himself. Of course she'd think … he'd told her he'd never kissed anyone else.

How could he have been so stupid? It all unfurls before him, how he'd told her there were no women in his bed, that the gifts were only for her, that he'd never cared for anyone else. All true, but he couldn't have created a more misleading set of statements had he tried.

He knows his prior behavior with women has been … odd. But he just didn't trust any of them enough to allow anything beyond the necessary contact. He didn't want to. He'd done everything he could to avoid the cage of devotion. Now he seeks—with single-minded obsession—to find a way to lock himself within it for a lifetime.

He hadn't meant to deceive her. He'd been so careless with his words, never imagining her extremely logical conclusion. And now she thinks he's given this part of himself to her the way that she gave this first experience to him and he feels dirty.

"I mean," he draws in a shuddering breath, finally able to look her in the eyes. "I mean that only one of us is a virgin."

She begins to move further from him and he regretfully withdraws his arm. He's been touching her in one way or another for hours and he misses her immediately.

"But … you said you'd never kissed anyone. Were you lying?" She doesn't seem angry, just painfully young and confused.

"No, I wasn't lying. You truly are the first person I've kissed. You're the only one I ever want to kiss." His eyes plead with her to believe him.

Her hand is lying on the bed near his. He tries to take it, but she swiftly pulls her hand back. He can't ignore how much it hurts.

"I don't … I don't understand." Her voice quavers.

He looks away from her beloved face. "Kissing isn't necessary for other acts." His cheeks heat with shame.

"I know that!" she says petulantly "I just … why would you want that with someone you didn't want to kiss?"

He returns his gaze to her and her eyes are bewildered.

"It was never like this," he offers, gesturing between them.

"So you've … before. With another woman."

"I never meant to make you believe otherwise. I didn't think. But I promise that the others-"

"Others? As in many? How … how many?" she asks fearfully.

This is all spiraling horribly out of control and she just looks so damned hurt. He wishes she would get angry, but instead her eyes are huge and wounded.

"I don't … I honestly don't know." He hadn't partaken frequently, only indulging his baser side once he joined Snoke. He supposes there have been somewhere between 20 and 30. He'd preferred not to take the same woman twice. He's certain knowing the specifics would only hurt her; however, if she presses, he will tell her.

She only looks down and the most pathetic little "Oh," falls from her lips. He's hated himself for as long as he can remember, but never so much as in this moment.

She shakily pulls up her nightgown and each jerky movement tears at his heart. Then she turns away from him completely, lying on her side with her back to him. He's desperate to coax her to return to him.

"Please, please don't turn away. You are all that matters to me. I haven't touched anyone since I first heard about you. I promise."

He watches as she shrugs. She doesn't say anything and he's not sure if he should try to explain, tell her how much he loves her, and only her. How he's never felt another's skin, how profoundly different everything is with her. But he's afraid to make it worse. He sits up on his knees so that he can better see her, the sheet tangled around his waist.

After an agonizingly long time he hears a slight murmur. Her voice is so quiet he can't make out what she's saying. "Love, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

She turns slightly and he can just see her face in profile. He almost wishes he couldn't, she seems so diminished. "I said, it doesn't matter, I had no claim on you. I just … I thought you were all mine." She says the last word with such sorrow.

He inhales sharply. "I am! Rey, please. I have never been anyone's but yours. Sweetheart, please turn over, please come back. We must talk about this."

She turns back away and draws her knees up to her chest. He just wants to soothe this hurt away, but she's made it clear she doesn't want him to touch her.

"Please … please," he whispers, grasping at the sheet to keep from reaching for her.

Finally she turns her head, looking at him over her shoulder. She blinks and nods once. "You're right. We said we would talk."

He's not sure he's ever been more relieved than when she turns over to again face him. Her expression is full of a kind of sadness he's not sure he's ever seen on her face before. There's no anger or malice, just a bleakness that leaves him hollow.

Then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. When she opens them again she seems more like herself and he's cautiously hopeful.

"So I'm the first person you've kissed but you've done everything else, then?" she asks, a hint of scorn in her tone.

"Not exactly," he says carefully.

"What does that mean?" she asks evenly.

"I never … I never took off my mask … or my gloves. I preferred to touch them as little as possible." It sounds far more strange than he'd ever considered once he hears the words out loud.

"What, you just took them to be-

"There was never a bed," he interrupts tonelessly.

Her eyes widen then she blinks. "You just bent them over and that was that?" Her expression is very close to disgust and he's again filled with shame.

"More or less."

He's very confused when she laughs out a hard sound.

"Rey?" he asks with apprehension.

"Oh, just that I was worried about how to tell you that I had kissed someone before."

"What?" he growls.

She swiftly sits up, mirroring his position. "Oh no, you don't get to tell me you've screwed you don't even know how many women and then get jealous because I've rolled around with one other man." She jabs her finger at him.

"What do you mean, 'rolled around'?" he asks through clenched teeth. They've only just got underway to the fleet, he could easily order the Finalizer to Jakku.

"Do you want details?" she asks incredulously.

"Yes," he hisses. He needs to know if the man dies swift or slow.

"Well, nothing so vivid as the images I now have seared into my brain, but there was a boy from Niima. We used to scavenge together and sometimes we'd hide away in an old wreck and kiss. A couple of times he got under my bindings. But he wanted more and I didn't. That was the end of that. Happy?"

He ignores her jab. "What was his name?" he asks with deceptive calm. His nails dig into his palm as his hands ball into fists. Someone else had kissed those sweet lips, felt her perfect breasts. She was supposed to only be his!

"Yoryn."

Of course it's Yoryn Glant. "And I was so certain your relationship with him was innocent," he sneers. He should have had him killed, just to be certain.

"Seriously? You're really going to act like I did something wrong? You shouldn't even know who he is, but you and your holos ... At least you don't have to wonder-" Then the fiery indignation leaves her eyes and she flinches. "You don't have to wonder ..." She trails off and shakes her head.

The jealousy still simmers in his blood but now anguish is coming off of her in waves and he can't keep from being alarmed. "Wonder what?" he asks shortly.

Her shoulders fall and she looks away. "Wonder if what we just shared is as meaningless to you as they were," she whispers.

Yoryn Glant suddenly seems insignificant when faced with her thinking such a thing. Sharing that with her, it's as far from meaningless as he can fathom.

"No! Rey, no!" He shakes his head furiously. "Please, I … I've never touched anyone the way I touch you. I never let them touch me the way you do. That's why I was so overwhelmed when I first felt your skin against mine. Stars, I had no idea I could feel like that, the way you make me feel … I didn't wish to be so intimate, not until you. I didn't let them see my face! Don't you understand?" He must make her see.

"But … I … why would they want that? I can't imagine wanting that," she says hollowly.

"Certain women are attracted to power. I assure you, they got what they wanted." He remembers the last woman. He had just finished a mission and was in a dark cantina on Coruscant, wanting some relief. She had boldly put her hand on his chest and looked into where she presumed his eyes were behind his visor. No words had passed between them. He'd just taken her behind the establishment, made sure she was ready, flipped her around and took her while she held onto the wall. When he was done, he'd simply left her panting in the alleyway.

Rey is looking at her hands, they're twisting in the sheet over her knees. She lifts her head and tilts it slightly to the side. "That's all it was then? Just … a transaction? Like trading for portions?"

He nods. "Exactly like that." He got to come and they got to brag they'd had Kylo Ren's cock.

Her face twists in revulsion but then it shifts into an ineffable sadness. She reaches out and cups his face and he doesn't understand what's going on. He just knows she's touching him again.

"You really were so lonely, weren't you?"

He wasn't expecting that and he doesn't know how to respond.

She gently strokes his face. "I was surrounded by sands, no one to reach out to. You were surrounded by people and didn't know how."

He turns his face away, suddenly feeling exposed. He doesn't like it.

"No, don't; stay with me."

He returns his gaze to hers. Then she's so close and her arms are coming around him; he swiftly returns her embrace. She's back, oh she's back.

She kisses his cheek and breathes into his ear, "I understand. It's alright." He lets out a shuddering breath. She says it's going to be alright. He hadn't even realized his heart had been hammering in his chest until he feels it slow.

She draws back to look into his eyes. "I know you didn't mean for me to think what I thought."

"No … no, I truly didn't."

"I know. It doesn't matter." Then she looks away for a moment, her arms around his shoulders and his around her waist. When she's again looking at him, her eyes are full of insecurity.

"What is it?" he entreats.

"Just … you wouldn't … with another woman now, would you?"

"What?" he gasps. "No, Maker, no! Why would I? You're all that I want, you're all that I need. I love you. I promise, you, only you."

She's wrapped around him again and she growls into his ear, "Good, because I'm very good with a staff and I fight dirty."

He barks out a surprised laugh and finally relaxes. He likes this possessive side of Rey. He settles back into her bed and hesitantly pulls her closer; she melts into his side.

"May I kiss you?" he asks, unsure where he stands but badly needing to connect with her.

"You don't need to ask."

"Yet you may always revoke my welcome."

"I know. Now hush and kiss me."

He holds her face and does as he's told.

His eyes shoot open as he startles awake. Then he hears it, Rey is whimpering in her sleep. They're on their sides with her back to his chest and he's holding her close, her head resting on his bicep.

Her hands are curling and uncurling and he hears another agonized moan.

"Rey?" he calls worriedly.

Her distress is growing so he shakes her lightly but she's still not waking. He waves his hand and a low glow fills the room. He tries again to wake her, shaking harder this time and she jerks awake, calling out "No!" She flips herself over, now facing him.

"Love, what is it?" he asks, searching her wide, frantic eyes.

She clenches her eyes shut and shakes her head. He gathers her close, soothing his hands along her back.

"What is it?" he whispers against her hair; she's almost burrowing into him. "Tell me," he requests.

She lets out a shaky sigh. "When you were in my mind, did you see … did you see the day they left me on Jakku?"

"Yes, I saw it."

"That's what it was. Over and over again. The day she left me." She looks into his eyes and she seems lost. "Was I so bad that she wanted to get rid of me? If I had been better would she have kept me?"

"Oh my darling …" He does not usually enjoy hurting women, but he's beginning to think he might make an exception for Lann Tren. "You know that she left you because of the spice. As horrible as it is, the truth is that you weren't part of her decision. It wasn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done to change what happened to you. I'm sure you were a wonderful little girl."

"I used to think that if I had only been better, sweeter, or prettier, then they wouldn't have left me."

"No, no, none of that is true." Oh his love, she's just so damaged.

She shrugs. "Doesn't change that I thought it for most of my life."

"But it's not true, do you accept that now?"

"I do know it's not true here," she says, touching her head. "But it still feels true here." She holds her hand to her heart. "I wasn't enough. I'll never be enough. And now I wonder if …"

He waits for her to finish. When she doesn't he prods, "If what?"

"No, nothing. It's silly." She's again drawing into herself.

"Please tell me."

She looks at him for a long time and then she sighs. "I … it's just that … what if one of them was … better. More … skilled. And then you'll wish you were wi-" His fingers touch her lips as he flinches at the idea he would ever prefer anyone to Rey.

"Stop. No. I will never compare you to another. There is no comparison to be made." He strokes her bottom lip then pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"But, I don't know anything."

"Did I seem to be complaining earlier when you made my eyes cross while I was chanting your name?"

That lovely blush infuses her cheeks. "No …"

"There is no way that I ever could consider what we share in the same light. It's simply impossible. Those others … it was never about who they were, I didn't care. I know that sounds heartless … because it was. That was the way I wanted it. But with you, sweetheart, I feel everything. I want you to touch me and I want to touch you. It's so very different. Do you see?"

"I … I'm truly not sure. I think so? I think … I think it will just take some time. I have to adjust to knowing this. Does that make sense?"

"Perfectly. Someday, soon, you'll know how special you are. I'll tell you all the time, every day until you believe me."

A rueful little smile pulls at her lips. "That could get really annoying."

He smirks. "Well, then you'll have an incentive to start believing me, won't you?

Kylo grows serious and catches her eyes, needing her to be able to see his sincerity. "You are more than enough for me. I won't ever leave you, Rey. I will never abandon you. I will always choose you."

"I ..." Her hazel eyes swim with unshed tears.

"I promise."

She pulls him close and lays her head on his chest. "Thank you," she murmurs.

"I love you, so much."

She nods against him, tracing random patterns along his skin.

He strokes her hair with one hand and holds her tightly with the other. Her hand eventually stops its movement across his body, then her breathing evens out and he kisses her crown. She sighs and soon she's asleep.

The light dims again with another wave of his hand, but he doesn't fall back to sleep easily. He's concerned that Rey had been more shaken by his past than she'd let on. She'd had a nightmare about her abandonment and she's clearly feeling very insecure. He wonders if it would have been better had he never touched another woman, or have had a proper relationship. She seemed particularly disturbed by the impersonal nature of it, well, and his lack of knowledge of how many partners he's had.

At least he was able to give her one of his firsts, even as she will give him almost all of hers. He's surprised that the reminder of Yoryn Glant doesn't incite a jealous fury. Instead he just feels sad that he wasn't her first kiss, but compared to his own history, it really would be horribly hypocritical of him be angry about it. He supposes this feeling, that he'd thought they'd shared that first kiss together, is a bit of how she must be feeling.

How can he make her understand that there's only her? That what he's experiencing with her is entirely new? He wonders again if he somehow took advantage of her, if she would have made different choices if she'd known he is more experienced. He's going to have to talk with her about that, as well.

He lays awake for a long time.

They've been awake for an hour or so, both willfully ignoring the time as they lose themselves in the bliss of their connection. He's on his back and her head is on his chest as they trail their fingers over each other's skin. He knows he should talk to her more about the revelations of last night, but he doesn't want to spoil the luxurious energy they're building together.

"Kylo …"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you think … maybe I could see that message from Leia? I'd like to see her face, hear her voice."

He stiffens immediately. He can't bear the thought of Rey hearing what his mother thinks of him. His hands stop their journey along her body and some of the warmth is dissipating.

She shifts and lifts herself to look at him. "Please?"

He closes his eyes for a moment and rubs the bridge of his nose. "Rey … I'm not ready for you to hear some of the things she said about me. But soon, alright?"

Her expression is pensive. After a moment she nods. "Alright. Soon?"

"Yes, soon."

Now that the tranquil bubble has been broken, he knows he needs to try again to help her understand, truly understand who she is to him and how no one else could ever take her place.

"Since we're trying to talk instead of leave things unsaid, I would like to address some things with you."

She looks at him warily and slowly says, "Okay …"

He moves up the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard. She follows his lead and sits cross-legged at his side, facing him.

"Our misunderstanding last night, did it … do you feel that I took advantage of you because you didn't have all of the facts? Would you still have let me … would you have wanted me to touch you like that if you'd known of my past?"

She thinks for a moment before responding, "I think so? I can't really know, honestly. But last night was wonderful."

"Truly?" It would be very hard for him to recover if he'd hurt her in this way.

"Yes, Kylo." She takes his hand in hers. "I mean … it was hard to find out about the o-others." She blinks a bit then looks at their clasped hands. A wistful smile crosses her face. "I really did think that … " Then she sighs and shakes her head. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters! Please tell me."

She keeps looking at their hands and finally she looks up. "I already did, really. I just … I liked the idea that we were just each other's. But I guess it's better one of us knows what they're doing." She tries to pass it off like a joke but he just hears … grief. She truly feels that she's lost something and he fervently wishes he could give it to her. And perhaps he can, in a way.

Kylo pulls his hand from hers and stands, then he grasps her by the thighs and pulls her to the edge of the bed. She gasps in surprise, but she lets him place her where he wants her. He goes down on one knee in front of her and takes both her hands in his. He looks up into her beautiful eyes. Her hair is wonderfully tousled from sleep and her nightgown is delightfully thin. She's an absolute vision of loveliness.

"Rey, listen to me. From the age of 11 onwards I kept a distance between myself and others. Occasionally someone would get a little closer to me. Orin, Vitok. But even with them there were firm boundaries. I never pursued any sort of intimate relationship with women. I didn't want to fall in love. I was terrified of it, honestly. It ruined Le-" He sighs. "It ruined my mother, and before you start arguing, consider that Han Solo would sometimes leave her, leave us for six months at a time. It hurt her. I remember her tears.

"So I decided that I would never let that happen to me. I was never going to fall in love. To ensure that, I made certain that any sexual experience I had was as impersonal as I could make it. Talking about it now, I see how misguided I was, but it is what I did. The minute you burst into my life you were everything, everything. It may have taken me a bit of time to realize the extent of my feelings, but I do know that the next time I was approached by a woman I was horrified and wouldn't let her anywhere near me. I was already yours.

"You changed all of it. You wiped away whatever pale, shallow experiences I had the minute I laid eyes on you. I was in love before I even knew what hit me. Then what I had abhorred became what I craved. I want to share it all with you. My body, my mind, my heart. When I kissed you the first time, when I felt your perfect lips against mine, it was the most pleasurable thing I had ever experienced. Before that it had been when you kissed my cheek. Before that it had been when you held my hand. Do you sense a pattern? Honestly, holding you on Takodana stirred me more than any other woman ever had.

"But beyond that, beyond the physical, it is how I feel when you touch me. It's like your touch is a balm for my very soul. With each caress of your hands along me, with each kiss you grant me, you heal me. I know you don't know how you feel about me, but … when you touch me you make me feel more cared for than I ever have in my entire life.

"I am yours, Rey. Completely. I am branded by your touch and am irrevocably in love with you."

Rey has quietly listened to everything he had to say, only reacting when he'd suggested something negative about … his mother. Now, she seems almost stunned. She says nothing and his stomach sinks when he sees a tear fall down her cheek.

Then she's kissing him intensely and pulling him towards her. It takes just a moment for him to fully comprehend the shift. She's kissing him so passionately, she must have understood. He gathers her up, laying them both on her bed. She's on her back and he's above her and kissing her with equal fervor. He feels like she's trying to say something with her kisses and he can't discern it.

She pulls back and her eyes are dark with something far deeper than lust. She reaches up with both hands and holds his face as her eyes search his. "I'm yours, Kylo. I'm yours. Do you understand?"

He stills, immediately perceiving the importance of that statement. She has denied this time and again from the moment he first told her that she was his. Across the lightyears she fought him, swearing she didn't belong to him. But now ...

He descends on her lips, kissing her with such ferocity that her nails dig into his back. She's his, she's his, she's his. She's finally, truly his.

Pulling away, he rests his forehead on hers, panting heavily. "Please, let me hear it again."

"I'm yours."

"Yes, oh, Force yes." Then he's again pressing his lips to hers, swirling their tongues together. Then the Bond opens and she floods him with her light. He gasps against her mouth and surrenders to the moment completely.

"Yours," she says through the Bond, and he whimpers.

Now she's pulling back slightly, looking into his eyes. Out loud she says, "Show me, show me again that you're mine, only mine."

"You want …"

"Like last night. Touch me …" she begs.

He pulls down the straps of her nightgown as he lowers his face to her neck. "I'm yours, only ever yours," he promises into her skin.

He's very late to the bridge.

A/N: Thank you CharlotteCAgain for the beta help! She has a really amazing story, Commemoration, that is one of my absolute favorites. Wonderful character development and a spot on Kylo. If you're looking for something new to read I highly recommend it! It can be found here on fanfiction.

Thank you readers! You are always so supportive, be it here, via PM, or on tumblr. I'm afraid there won't be a Thursday update this week because of Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how long I'll keep those up, but the muse has been being particularly kind as of late. Thanks again for being such wonderful human beings.