So warm. So soft. He's wrapped around Rey and the terror of the last day recedes as he loses himself in the comfort of her body tucked in his arms. He doesn't care that it's only a dream, he needs this—he's barely holding on.
But then she shifts and he starts to understand that she's actually with him. Somehow he's found himself in her bed and he gasps, "Rey!"
Mmmm … Ben ... blooms in his mind.
His head is fuzzy from crying so hard the night before, but he's absolutely certain the bond has connected them and the relief coursing through him nearly brings the tears again.
"Rey, gods, Rey … tell me you're alright." He's immediately pulled into a place of utter helplessness, his body trembling and his hands roving over her, assuring himself that she's whole. He hasn't seen her more than 12 hours and anything could have happened.
Well, given that you're wrapped around me in this frankly ridiculous bed, I'd say I'm quite good at the moment.
Her teasing tone catches him oddly. How can she be so light-hearted when everything is so dire?
Because I can't change it and right now you feel wonderful.
Wait. He hadn't said that out loud, nor had he projected it. Or had he? "How did you know what I was thinking?" His tone isn't quite suspicious, but he can't help his confusion.
She rolls over in his arms and he looks into her delicate face, her eyes sleepily opening and closing slowly.
I didn't hear your thoughts precisely, but I got … an impression.
"You … you can sense my thoughts?"
We've always sensed them to an extent, you know that. But this was … louder.
"Oh."
Her sweet giggle tingles along his spine and he swiftly pulls her as close as he can, kissing her deeply. She pulls her blankets up over their heads. He draws his fingers along her throat and realizes her necklace is gone. His crystal, meant to be with her always …
"Rey … Did they … did they take it from you?"
She looks away, a shame that scrapes through him moving across her features. They took everything. I … begged to keep it but they ...
It's too much, the terror, the frantic fear that she's not safe. He gets moments of her fury as they'd yanked his gift from her neck and he knows if he were to look he'd find marks on her throat. He pours his desperation into kissing her. It's frenzied and wild, the anxiety quickly turning into passion. Her skin is so soft against the pads of his fingers as he holds her face close, tasting, needing every bit of her he can inhale.
Before he knows it, he's hard as durasteel and grinding against her body. Gods, he needs to be inside of her, to know her. What if he never does? What if all of his promises mean nothing and he loses her before he's able to show her how completely he loves her? He growls into her mouth before he moves his attentions to her neck, biting, sucking, wanting.
A surprised squeak breaks through the fog of his lust and he realizes she's not quite reciprocating. He forces himself to slow his hungry exploration of her skin and breathes in deeply, trying to calm down. His body is trembling with everything he needs to show her, to share with her, but she's stiff in his arms. Not sure he wants to see the expression on her face, he keeps his eyes closed.
She's breathing harshly and he's not sure if it's from passion or fear, and he knows he can't hide any longer. He finally looks into her eyes and finds her face oddly blank.
"Rey … I … I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."
It's alright, I just don't know how to hide this from the surveillance. No one would really notice me in your arms, but …
But if she returned his attentions it would look so strange. Pulling himself back, forcing himself to consider where she is, he takes in one more centering breath. "However, they might notice if your clothes started being thrown around the room. I understand." Even if he desperately doesn't wish to.
He tucks his head into the space between her head and her shoulder, suddenly feeling small and needy. His emotions are frantic and animalistic, the need, the want, the desire to throw all caution into space. What is wrong with him? How can he put his hunger before her safety? Who is this man she makes him?
Pulling away from her, he wills his body to calm. Slowly, but oh so surely, he finds himself centered and the wariness in her eyes makes him cringe. Now that he's back under control, he starts to get waves of emotion from her. Surprise … regret … frustration … fear.
His eyes snap to hers, his stomach turning at the thought of inspiring fear in her. "You're afraid of me. Just now, I made you afraid."
No! No … never. I'm worried about what they'll see. You have no idea how much I want to pretend that they can't and … and …
Then he feels an endearing shyness from her and flashes of their bodies moving together.
I am afraid. I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to feel you like that. That … that I'm going to die without ever being with you … fully.
"No!" he cries out. "No, I will not allow that to happen. I'm with the Resistance, I'm coming! I'll be there in two days, at the most. Hux won't harm you so long as he knows I'll come for you."
You're with the Resistance? Her face gets a look of almost awe.
"I … I knew I couldn't do it alone. Not and be assured of success." And nothing matters to him more, has ever mattered to him more than getting Rey off of that ship and away from Hux.
You really went to my friends?
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing." Doesn't she know that?
Her eyes grow wet and she looks at him for a long time. Then she slowly moves her lips to his ear and oh so quietly whispers, "I love you."
"Oh Rey … I love you more than I can ever begin to express. You're going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. Then I'm going to show you with everything I have just how much I love you."
Her eyes sparkle with love and a hint of wickedness.
I believe you.
She'd faded quickly and while his whole body almost hurts from how much he needs to have her close and safe, he's also aware that the time to leave with his new companions is approaching.
But first there are things he needs to do, like contact TL. He really should have last night, but … he decides not to castigate himself too harshly for needing to come to terms with the death of his mother. Well, as much as he can.
Sending the alert, he sits back in the comically small chair at his old desk and waits. This time he has to sit for quite some time before he hears TL's welcome voice over the device.
"Supreme Leader! I'd begun to worry."
"TL … perhaps you shouldn't call me that any longer, as we both know I'm far from being the Supreme Leader right now."
"Sir, if it's all the same to you, you are my Supreme Leader."
Ben sighs and remembers how his mother had said that people needed someone to follow and he decides not to press. "Well then … perhaps you can assist me with something."
"What do you need, sir?"
"I have the low-level codes for accessing the further outposts, but I'm going to need the latest changes if I'm going to get onto the Finalizer."
"You're coming? Here?" There's hope and fear in the stormtrooper's tone.
"Yes. I have to."
"For the girl," TL states simply.
"Yes."
There's a slight pause. "Sir, I think I can get my hands on something, but we don't have the best contacts in Sector 5-"
"I do. Analyst Bast."
"Sir?"
"When you approach him, tell him that you know about Hux's father and that you're working with me. If he … if he is less than supportive I'm afraid you'll have to kill him."
"So this is a risk."
"I hope not, but I only spoke with him once. I think, however, that his desire for the truth will outweigh his loyalty to the First Order. I hope."
"Analyst Bast …"
"Correll Bast. He's a recent transfer. Make sure he understands that I sent you."
"Yes, sir."
"Thank you, TL."
He's about to turn off the comm when TL says, "Oh, and sir?"
"Yes?"
"We're very close to getting one of our people stationed as a guard for your girl."
Ben notices the change from the girl to his girl and it makes him smile. It's a bit reckless, but he likes the idea that these people, who he has come to think of as his people, understand who she is to him.
"That's … that's good." His chest swells with a feeling he's not experienced in a long time. Not since he lost his knights. Loyalty. Support … friendship. "Thank you," he says quietly.
"No need to thank me, sir," TL says with his usual open manner and Ben signs off with his … compatriot.
He sits for a moment, staring at the wall, wondering what will come after he's found Rey. His fingers steeple and he contemplates his hopes for the galaxy before remembering the time.
There's something he needs to do before the rest of the rebels wake up. It's time to visit his mother's rooms now that they've taken his crystal from Rey.
It's still very early when he opens his bedroom door. He finds a Resistance soldier asleep in a chair across from his door and he snorts. But then he feels eyes on him and he finds Rose Tico just down the hall, a blaster almost pointed at him.
"Going somewhere?"
He could easily pull that blaster from her hands or freeze her with the Force, but he knows that won't help his cause. "I need to retrieve something."
"I'm not supposed to let you leave," she whispers, oddly mindful of the sleeping soldier.
Ben rolls his eyes. "I'm here of my own volition and I'm sure they told you why I came. Do you really think I'd bother with Rey as a ruse just to murder you in your beds? I'd certainly have come up with a better story."
"Certainly more believable," she says, her eyes still holding the iciness of last night.
Narrowing his eyes Ben growls, "Every word I've said is true."
"I didn't get to hear your explanations but Finn did tell me. Is this really all for … for love?" The hope in her tone melts some of the ice in her bearing.
"Yes," he answers openly.
"Where were you going?" she asks warily.
"My mother's rooms. There's something there I wish … I wish to get for Rey."
Now Rose's eyes narrow and her brows draw together. "What?" she asks shortly.
Ben regards this Rose Tico and decides that honesty is really his only choice. "A ring. From my grandmother."
Her whole countenance changes in a moment. "A ring? Like … an engagement ring?"
Well. Yes, As a matter of fact it is, but he doesn't want to explain how he needs Rey to understand in a way that perhaps the necklace hadn't explained. But this Rose seems almost eager at the prospect, so he finds himself admitting, "Yes, I want Rey to know just what my intentions are."
"You want to marry her?" she asks with something approaching glee.
Yes, yes, he does. WIth his whole being he wants Rey to be his in every single way he can claim her. He just never imagined having to explain that to a tiny Resistance soldier.
"I do. Will you help me?" he entreats.
"You better not be playing me," Rose warns, her hands tightening on her blaster.
"Ms. Tico, you may only know me as the man I once was, but I promise you that I would never play games with Rey's heart."
Rose tilts her head and looks at him for long time. Then she slowly nods. "I don't know why, but I believe you."
Shrugging, she starts down the corridor and then looks behind her, using her blaster to gesture him forward. "Well, come on!"
He doesn't hesitate a second time and follows her obediently.
"Look at all these gowns," Rose exclaims as she stands in his mother's closet. "I mean, I've never seen so many colors!"
Ben suppresses a snort, remembering scores of galas and all of his mother's finery. He's not going to be delayed by pretty dresses. He goes straight for the jewels and pulls out the top chest. Yes, this is where she'd always kept them.
Opening the chest, he looks down on the collection of rings and hesitates. He'd intended to pull his grandmother Padme's wedding ring from the velvet, but then he pauses over a simpler ring with the Alderaanian crest. His mother's adoptive parents … no, his mother's parents had given her this modest band when she'd come of age and he doesn't really think as he pulls it from the other rings in the collection.
Yes, he could give her a bright, opulent thing, but the smooth band is so much more … Rey. It's a rare metal of silver color with a blue gem embedded in it. The engravings of the Alderaanian crests on either side give it a regal, simple feel. He can feel his mother's Force signature in the gem and he half-smiles.
This ring is Rey. It won't snag and it meant so much to his mother. She'd told him she only stopped wearing it when she replaced it with her wedding ring. He flinches at the realization that that's been lost forever. He wishes he could bury her properly …
Shuddering, he hunches over the rings and sees so many memories laid out before him. But there's no time for that, not now. Maybe he'll bring Rey here after, show her everything that's now hers … but …
"Uhm … Ren?"
A nerve in his cheek jumps and Ben turns towards Rose. "If it's all the same, I'd prefer you call me Ben."
"Oh."
He sighs. "What is it?"
"I … are you alright?"
Ben blinks, confused by the question. His silence prompts Rose to say, "I mean, you don't … you don't seem alright."
Snorting, he shakes his head. "Of course I'm not alright. My mother … Rey …" He looks away.
"You … you really care about her, don't you?"
He only inclines his head, before returning his attention to the jewelry because he doesn't want to think about anything else.
Rose comes up to where he is and looks down on the rings. "May I see it? The one you picked?"
Slowly, Ben opens his hand and shows her the band and has a moment of embarrassment at how plain it is. Does Rey deserve-
"It's perfect," Rose breathes out.
"It's not … too … simple?"
"No, not at all. She's going to love it. Ben."
They stand in silence, looking down on the collection of jewelry. The silence stretches and finally Ben asks, "Your sister … she died?"
Rose sucks in a breath of air and her face hardens. "No. Not yet."
"I … alright."
There's nothing but quiet until Ben says, "Thank you … Rose."
She doesn't smile, but she doesn't glare, either.
"Okay, this is it," Dameron says to no one in particular. They're in the freighter Maz had prepared for Ben, and Lando is piloting. That had been quite a stand-off but Dameron had finally stood down with ill grace.
Ben is dressed as a mid-level officer and Finn is again dressed as a stormtrooper.
"You're sure you don't want me to come?" Rose asks.
Smirking, Ben gestures to the way her hair flips away from her cheeks. "Not exactly First Order standard issue."
"Hey! I infiltrated the FIrst Order before!"
Ben's eyebrow raises. He remembers reading about that mission. "And how well did that go?"
Luckily Rose has the grace to look chastened and keeps her gaze down.
"You're up … B-Ben," Lando calls.
The way Lando stumbles over his name fills him with conflict, pleased he's trying but bitterly regretful that his actions ever made it necessary.
Ben shakes his head and takes the comm. "This is Captain Janus, we were being transferred to the Finalizer when our transport had difficulty. All comms went dead and this freighter agreed to bring us to the nearest outpost."
"Security code?" a bored voice crackles through the comm.
"Theta-nine-four-nu-seven-sigma," Ben offers, providing the general code. There's no way that Hux has managed to change all of the low level codes by now. His higher clearance is certainly been wiped, but he'd been preparing for a long time. He'll get the codes he needs for the FInalizer from TL.
"Cleared for landing on pad three."
They all let out a breath of relief. Once he's face-to-face with First Order personnel this all becomes much easier. He has to see the individual for the mind trick to work.
"And these are?" a tall, slender officer inquires with not so subtle distaste.
"They agreed to bring us to the nearest outpost for refueling."
"Hmm." The officer looks Lando, Rose, and Dameron up and down with a sneer. "I suppose this wrabble hoped to curry favor with the First Order."
Ben sees the moment Dameron's hackles rise and thinks to himself that Lando was right, they have no idea how to be rebels. He steps in with a twitch of his hand. "You will authorize the refueling of their ship and send them on their way."
The arrogant woman's eyes go glassy and she repeats his instructions.
Ben looks around and finds them unobserved. He strides to Lando and pauses before clasping his shoulder. "It's time. We'll rendezvous in an hour."
Lando's lips move into a lopsided grin. "May the Force be with you, kid."
Ben almost rolls his eyes but then he remembers how his irreverent father had always said that, too. He'd been stiff, but he'd always said it.
His tone is genuine when he catches Lando's eyes, "And also with you."
A/N: Thank you to the marvelous ArtemisBare who is also a dear friend. I get to see her in May!
Thank you readers. I'm so sorry that I have only been able to write one chapter each week these past two weeks. It's harder to write when everything is coming together and work has been quite busy. I am tremendously grateful that everyone has been so patient and supportive. You really are so important to me and I cannot overstate that.