A/T: Hey my beloved friends! Here is another chapter I spent a lot of time thinking about. Generally, the next few chapters are quite emotional and I try to be extremely careful about what I write since I don't want you in any way to hate the characters.
As always your reviews make me happy so feel free to express yourselves.
He stands alone at the porch of the great mansion staring at the bottom of another empty glass. New Year's Eve is finally here but this is not how he planned to spend it. He always pictured his first New Year's Eve with Kensi to be somewhere romantic, away from the rest of the world. Right now though he can't be with her or even talk to her. Batista is keeping him on a short leash after the incident, so he hasn't found the opportunity to contact LA PD in 3 days.
He knows his handler is close by watching him; he's seen him around from time to time, but he needs to speak. He needs to ask. He needs to know that Kensi is good. This…..silence is driving him crazy and slowly killing him. He gathers what's left of his sanity and strength in order to restrain himself and not give up. He feels tired, exhausted and in desperate need of an escape.
With every passing hour he regrets his decision. He blames himself for leaving Kensi behind time and time again.
He's been off drugs during these past two months and the sudden deprival has its toll on his body and mind. He doesn't fight it though. The shivers, the trembling, the hot l ways of going method and a perfect way to sell the authenticity of his cover. He is committed to successfully end this operation and bring down Batista along with his sick son of bitch Lawence. Just pretending to be friends with this type of criminals makes him sick. Being Max Gendry makes him sick!
The sky is clear, the stars are brighter than ever and some colorful fireworks make their first appearance. New Year is less than two hours away and for the first time in a long time he is alone with his thoughts. You'd think he'd appreciate the solitude, but the voices in his head return to remind him his huge mistakes, some of which he could have avoided.
Batista is having a huge party inside but Deeks has no reason to celebrate. He needs to see her and make sure she is safe. He has to explain to her that the only reason he resolved into shooting her, was to actually save her; no matter how ironic that sounds.
He has been away for far too long and just the vision of her standing in front of him out of the blue, only made this operation more intolerable. His urge to break free is stronger than ever but he must stay focused. If he drops out now, he will eliminate any chance they might have on taking down Batista. He is torn and confused in his own dilemma. All he needs is a couple of hours. That's it! It's New Year's Eve after. Batista should be willing to grand him a free pass for the night, no questions asked.
He drinks one last shot of whiskey and walks back into the house. He spots Batista among the crowdy living room, making out with one of the classy prostitutes he has hired for the evening.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to speak with you," Deeks firmly says.
"Maxuel boy relax. We said no business talk tonight," Batista doesn't even look at him as the prostitute keeps him fully occupied.
"It's not about work. I need to leave for the night."
Batista stops kissing the blonde that's sitting on his lap and glares at him. "And where exactly do you wanna go? I've provided you booze and boobs and you so bluntly turn it all down? The least you can do is give me an explanation."
Deeks remains silent for a brief moment, but then her remembers that sometimes the most believable lie, is the actual truth. "I need to be with someone."
"Is it that chick you've been talking about? Megan? Why didn't you invite her over?" Batista grins.
Deeks gives an awkward ashamed smile. "She prefers to stay low after the bust of the Reilly cartel. She is the only of in the family that got away so, she doesn't easily trust people."
"But yet she trusts you Maxuel boy! Very well! You can go, but don't let her keep you up all night. I'll need you fresh in the morning."
Deeks just smiles and slowly walks away n disbelief. He actually let him go. He is free for the next few hours to reunite with Kensi. He can't let his excitement get the best of him though. He must stay focused and careful in case Batista sends someone to tail him. Thankfully, these past 3 years in NCIS has made him an expert in slinking.
He drives in circles for half an hour to make sure no one is following, and then directly to Kensi's house. Should he stop to get her some flowers? No. He can't waste any time, not even a minute. He needs to be with her and he needs her right now even though a part of him is scared. He is completely unaware what he is going to encounter. Will Kensi be mad at him? Will she even be home? Nuh! He knows her far too well. There is no way she would accept to go out and celebrate without him.
He parks the car right outside. The dim light is visible behind the closed curtains. He was right. She is there.
He walks towards the door and freezes for a moment before knocking. He feels a knot in his stomach, much like going out on a first date. She has this unique effortless ability to make him feel like a school boy in love.
Finally, he takes a deep breath and knocks the door. He can hear her footsteps slowly approaching. She pauses for a moment to peek through the curtain of the door, but as soon as she sees Deeks she opens the door clearly excited.
"Deeks!" is all she says before falling into his arms crying in joy.
He holds her tight and pulls her into her apartment to avoid been seen by anyone. Batista's men could still be following him.
God he's missed her. Her smell, her touch, her smile….everything! Soon, they break their embrace and their lips meet. It is not lust, it is longing.
When they break the kiss she places her hand on his face softly caressing his cheeks. "Is it over? Are you free?"
Deeks shakes his head. "I'm sorry, no! I am only here for the night. I couldn't leave you alone on this day."
"Is it safe though?"
"I found an excuse and Batista seemed to fall for it. I was extremely careful and no one seemed to follow me here. We have the night all to ourselves," he gives her an evil smile.
Kensi looks deep into his eyes and tries hard to hold back her tears but it is vain.
"What's the matter?" Deeks asks as he wipes a tear that slips down her cheek.
"Nothing! I am just happy that you are here," she tries to reassure him. She can't possibly tell him what she went through right now. She cares too much for him to submit him to her pain.
"Why didn't you go at Sam's place. I bet he is having a huge party."
Kensi takes his hand and leads him to the couch where they both sit tangled together. "Actually, no! Hetty is the one throwing the party this year at ops. They are all there right now."
"Why didn't you go?" he kisses her hand.
"Cause I have nothing to celebrate," her honesty disarms him as he knows all too well that feeling.
Her long sleeved pajama hides the scar from the bullet that HE shot but he knows it's there. He softly rubs her arm with his thumb and then kisses the wounded area."I'm sorry," he gently whispers.
"Don't be. You did what you had to do and saved my life. End of a story!"
"I should have found a way to contact you sooner," he sighs.
"Look at me!" she coupes his face and looks at him straight into those deep blue eyes. "You did what was necessary to protect your cover but also save me in the process. Contacting me would only risk the operation. Coming here tonight might even be dangerous."
"I don't care. Even if my cover is blown I will die a happy man cause I will have spent my last night with you."
"No! Don't say that. You are not going to die you listen to me?" she glares at him.
Nov 7Even when she is mad at him she is sweet in a bitter kind of way. He knows he can't argue with her so he pulls her close and brushes his lips against her.
"Why don't we go to the bedroom? You know what they say….what happens in New Year's Eve stays in New Year's Eve."
"That's not what they say!" Kensi laughs at him. The truth is she can't go into the bedroom. Even though Michelle made sure everything was cleaned up before Kensi came back from the hospital, sleeping in that bed is not an option right now. She can still see the blood and she can still feel the same void in her heart.
Not to mention that they have been apart for far too long and he surely eds, so moving to the bedroom will be like giving him the green light. The doctor though, forbade any kind of sexual intimacy for at least 3 weeks.
But she is not ready for honesty yet. She can't tell him the truth cause she knows it will probably kill him. She has to wait until the operation is over and he is finally back safe and sound. Sometimes she doubts wether she will ever find the strength to tell him.
She snuggles in his warm embrace, lets him wrap his arm around her and rests her head beneath his shoulder. "Let's just stay here please. It is more comfortable, " she begs him.
To her surprise he doesn't protest. Instead he draws the blanket close and covers their bodies with it. "Anything you want," he kisses her forehead and slowly closes his eyes.
Soon, they fall asleep in each other arms feeling safe and protected after a long time. A perfect moment of absolute serenity and bliss. Soon it is midnight and they are awaken by the rain of fireworks outside.
"Happy New Year sunshine," he holds us her chine and places a soft kiss on her lips.
"I really hope it's true what they say about New Year," she says between kisses.
"What's that?"
"If you are happy when the New Year comes, then you will be happy throughout the rest of it."
"Don't worry princess. I plan on making you happy for the rest of your life," he kisses her forehead. "I am sorry to ruin the moment, but are you hungry?"
"To be honest…yeah!" she holds her stomach. "I have some cake in the fridge."
"Did YOU make it?" he asks in disbelief.
"What if I did? Won't you taste it?" she glares at him offended.
"As I've said before you are not exactly known for your cooking skills, but I trust you," he laughs walking towards the kitchen.
"Whatever, Nell stopped by earlier this evening. She cooked it herself."
Kensi looks at him and she can't hide the smile on her face. Despite everything they've been through all these months, life is just perfect right now. Even though there is a darkness in his eyes he seems physically healthier than he was two months ago. She can tell that he is off drugs and she feels like there is still hope.
He takes the cake out of the fridge and places it on the counter. He takes out a spoon to steal a bite before taking it to the living room but unfortunately his spills a piece of cake on the floor.
"Damn it," he mutters.
"What's wrong?" Kensi asks.
"Nothing…nothing to see here. I'll be right there in a sec."
He takes a napkin and cleans the scattered piece of cake from the floor. Then opens the dustbin, but before he throws the cake away he notices the hospital leaflet in it. He pauses for a moment but then he takes it out. Unwanted pregnancies and Abortions. Why would Kensi own such a leaflet. Then, his looks falls upon the discharge paper from the hospital dated two days ago.
Why would she stay at the hospital during all this time. The shooting incident took place a week ago and the wound he caused was no more serious than just a few stitches. But what draws his attention even more, is the fact that it is signed by an OB.
The strong pain killers on the table, the abortions leaflet, she looks weak and pale, she avoided any sexual contact…..His thoughts take him to a dark place and force him to quickly jump into a conclusion.
He forgets all about the cake and slowly walks to Kensi holding the two papers.
"Kensi? Would you care to explain these?" he firmly asks showing her the papers.
Time seems to stop and Kensi freezes. She is completely unprepared to have this conversation right now. She just stares at him while panic soon takes over her.
Her sudden inability to utter a single word forces Deeks to jump into the wrong assumption.
"God damn it Kensi, how could you?" his voice cracked and broken.
Her eyes widen in shock clearly not expecting this kind of reaction.
"Why did you do this? Why? Why? WHY?" the tone of his voice growing louder and louder.
"Didn't you have faith in me? I told you I was coming back. Unless…." He looks down on the floor and paces nervously up and down the room. Suddenly he stops and looks at her with doubt. "Was the baby even mine?"
She can't believe her ears. How could he possibly question her loyalty. How would he doubt her morals. She doesn't need to defend herself. Her piercing eyes make the answer crystal clear.
He shakes in head in disbelief. "The why did you go through with it? I know the course of our relationship hasn't been ideal, but we were fighting for our future. I was fighting for us! I know you never wanted kids but I expected you to change your mind through time. You were not alone, you had ME!"
Her anger is boiling up inside but she knows that if she speaks up right now, her words will be more venomous than his. She knows they will kill him and she will probably regret them the moment she utters them. So, she chooses silence for now but finds it difficult to hold back her tears.
"Really? You' re crying now? Did you cry when you signed for this?" he throws the brochure at her."And here I was feeling guilty all this time. At least I am not killer like you.
All of a sudden her tears dry. The hurt and sadness she was feeling are now replaced by wrath that she can no longer hold back.
Her hand clench into fists and every muscle in her body seems to tighten. Deeks doesn't seem to notice though and carries on his uncontrollable rumble.
"Were you ever going to tell me or did you plan on keeping this a secret for the rest of your life? Did you really think I would never find out?" he runs his fingers though his hair while never stopping pacing.
"You've ruined everything! You can't take back you did and I can't let it go," he raises his hands in defeat. "I am sorry but this is beyond my powers. I can't do this anymore. You killed our future, I give up! I quit! I'm handing over my resignation to Hetty and going back to LA PD. "
He picks his leather jacket from the chair and opens the door. He stops for a second as if he wants to say something, but then shakes his head and walks out.
The sound of the door closing is nothing compared to the sound of her broken heart. Finally, she is able to catch a breath before her whole body starts trembling and she bursts into uncontrollable tears.
She tries to understand what just happened but she can only focus on his harsh words. A part of her thinks she should run after him and tell him the truth, but she is too proud. He didn't even give her a chance to explain as he was trapped in his own mind and too absorbed into his dark theories.
This man was not Deeks. The man she once loved left six months ago and never truly came back.
She tries to control her sobs but it is vain so she lays back on the couch in despair until she finally cries herself to sleep.